Dates and being on time.

[Batya33]

I went through a break up a few months ago and while I am not sure if I am ready to date, I did test out the water. I had two dates with the same guy recently.

 

The first date he was 15 minutes late and the second date he also made me wait 15 minutes. He states he is always a person who is late. While I am not actively going to pursue this guy, I just want others opinions. As most people I spoke to IRL have said this isn't a big deal.

 

However, it really bothered me that he was late both times. I am a person who is always on time, if not early. If I am running late, I let someone know ahead of time. I feel that this is probably a deal breaker for me. I do understand that there may be situations where being late without warning is inevitable because of people's schedules, but am I overreacting?

 

Just wanted other people's thoughts. Thank you!

 

If he is going to be more than 5-10 minutes late he needs to text you enough in advance so you are not waiting -emergencies aside. Being late like that is rude. Many years ago I dated a guy who did this constantly. One day he arrived at my house in his car and buzzed downstairs (pre-cell phone!) - I sat in my apartment for 35 minutes. Then went down. He asked me why I kept him waiting and I said that he was so late I needed to redo my makeup and hair. We eventually broke up as he was selfish in other ways too.

 

My husband used to be chronically late. When we got back together several years after a break up (pre-marriage) he said he'd changed his habit because he knew it was rude/selfish. So he is late sometimes but not chronically and he does his best to apologize etc. Sometimes the bad habit creeps back in but it's nothing like what it used to be.

[Batya33]

I am terrible with time management. I have no excuse whatsoever, I'm just never on time. My Friends and family have just learned to accept/expect it. I've tried to make changes because it can be embarrassing and I do feel bad if someone is angry at my tardiness, but I don't think it makes me a selfish person. I'm a very giving and caring person. I always take other people's feelings into account, sometimes more than my own, I just suck at time management.

 

I think it's all about finding someone you're going to mesh well with. I'm dating a guy who is also always late and it annoys me but how much can I complain when I'm 10 minutes late myself? But if I was punctual, I don't know, it would probably be a deal breaker for me. If you value something it's probably best to find someone who has similar values. Unless you can overlook it, doesn't seem like you can though and again even as someone who is always late, I don't blame you.

 

To me it's about actions. It's nice that you think you care but when you are wasting people's precious time because you "suck at time management" then your sucking at that aspect is impacting other people negatively. I don't think it's fair to brush it off with "that's just me so accept it" - unless you understand why people might "suck" at accepting it. I'm almost always early and only late in very rare, emergency situations.

 

If you are making someone wait for you more than 10 minutes and it's not an emergency by definition you are not taking their feelings or needs into account at that time. Obviously some people don't care at all -they have things to keep them occupied/can get work done/know you're always late so they pre-plan but please please do not tell yourself that at that time you are making them wait you are being a giving person who is taking someone else's feelings into account. Believe me you are not, at that time even if you are at many other times. Please reconsider.

 

I had a good friend who is very caring, giving in many many ways but always late. One time she was 40 minutes late for lunch on a day when she knew I had a specific time period to meet her during the work day and what she didn't know was that I was pregnant and feeling woozy/needing to eat. But if your friend is meeting you for lunch there's the concern that if you start eating, that's rude because it's nice to wait for the other person before eating. And the restaurant had a long line to wait, etc. Finally, I ordered my lunch, ate and she still wasn't there - and then I told her not to bother coming because I had to be back at work 10 minutes later. I could have met another friend for lunch or eaten a peaceful lunch and not felt sick from low blood sugar during pregnancy and stressed as to whether to keep waiting or eat.

 

I've sat in the front row of movie theaters and craned my neck because a friend was late with no emergency, waited in the rain with a fussy toddler, and on a sketchy street corner because the restaurant no longer existed and I couldn't reach the person on my device back then. Three of many examples. I've missed two plane flights and spent hundreds of dollars because the other person sucked at time management. Pretty darn stressful and not just annoying.

 

Please do not tell me that that person who was late without any emergency "cared" about my feelings right then because she just "sucked at time management". Why do I have to be the victim of that choice not to put in the effort not to "suck at time management". And now we have all these time management devices which didn't exist 10-20 years ago.

It's totally fine if you choose not to work on your time management skills, just asking you to reconsider how you view yourself as a person when you impact someone else's life (and if you're fine with that since you're giving and caring in other ways, and the people in your life are willing to cut you slack and be inconvenienced or worse because of your choices, that's fine too -not for me to judge -just giving you the other side of things -thanks for listening).

[IAmFCA]

Thank you everyone for your responses! I appreciate all of the input and thoughts. I do want to say that in no way shape or form do I feel that people who are constantly late are bad or do not care.

 

IAmFCA-My best friend is like you. Chronically late. And I see it's a struggle for her at times. However, I commend you on the fact that you have worked on it. Thank you for detailing your own personal experiences and your side of things.

 

J.man- You are absolutely rights. It's simply not who I am. I have learned to be more patient with my friends and family who are chronically late, but it will still annoy me a bit. And the biggest factor with the first two dates are definitely more of not giving me a heads up versus actually being late.

 

The second date, I had text him to say I arrived at his house to carpool to the restaurant and he said he would be down in 5 mins. Well it was probably over 15 mins and his excuse was his credit card company had given him a call so he had to take it and figure that out. For some reason, I just can't seem to think of why he couldn't have shot a text while on the phone or walked outside to signal to me. Maybe that's asking for too much?

 

My bet is he wasn't ready and was embarrassed.

 

Not an excuse, just an explanation. He should have signaled.

[IAmFCA]

I don't understand this either.

 

My BF is ADHD but he always sets his alarm for the time he knows he needs to leave by, which always gives him plenty of time. He's never been one minute late without a call.

 

I'm sorry, but I just think it's rude. I know there are all sorts of reasons, but we have too much access to alarms, texts, etc., to make excuses.

 

I left while waiting for a date once after 20 minutes (prior to meeting my BF). He apologized profusely, there was bad traffic, blahblahblah. Um, yeah buddy, my traffic was amazing, I flew in a helicopter to get here.

 

 

Thank you for sharing this. The alarm technique is a good one. I need to use it more often.

[IAmFCA]

If he is going to be more than 5-10 minutes late he needs to text you enough in advance so you are not waiting -emergencies aside. Being late like that is rude. Many years ago I dated a guy who did this constantly. One day he arrived at my house in his car and buzzed downstairs (pre-cell phone!) - I sat in my apartment for 35 minutes. Then went down. He asked me why I kept him waiting and I said that he was so late I needed to redo my makeup and hair. We eventually broke up as he was selfish in other ways too.

 

My husband used to be chronically late. When we got back together several years after a break up (pre-marriage) he said he'd changed his habit because he knew it was rude/selfish. So he is late sometimes but not chronically and he does his best to apologize etc. Sometimes the bad habit creeps back in but it's nothing like what it used to be.

 

Yes! Good on you both for owning it: what you need, what he can do, and then being flexible enough to see the bigger picture.

 

When I am stressed, I lose focus on time. I am overwhelmed with detail, and anxious, and late behavior creeps back in. This can be a period of a few months before I withdraw from life as much as possible and deal with my details. It's a subconscious thing; I am not fully aware of it until it gets awful.

[Batya33]

Yes! Good on you both for owning it: what you need, what he can do, and then being flexible enough to see the bigger picture.

 

When I am stressed, I lose focus on time. I am overwhelmed with detail, and anxious, and late behavior creeps back in. This can be a period of a few months before I withdraw from life as much as possible and deal with my details. It's a subconscious thing; I am not fully aware of it until it gets awful.

 

Yes, whether subconscious or not if it impacts another person negatively that's the issue not whether it's conscious or you don't "mean it" - with that argument a person who hits another person out of anger can also justify it in the same exact way -obviously that is physical pain - a different category -but typically we don't allow that kind of excuse for impacting another person in that way. So sure you might not be "aware until it gets awful" but you know the objective manifestations -the time you need to be somewhere, the time on the clock, how long it will take to be there on time including prep time/travel, etc. - and you can set things up with the alarms/reminders/friends who might be willing to call you with a reminder or text ,etc - you can plan for that, too. Just sayin' -I do get that you mean well, I really do.

[IAmFCA]

Yes, whether subconscious or not if it impacts another person negatively that's the issue not whether it's conscious or you don't "mean it" - with that argument a person who hits another person out of anger can also justify it in the same exact way -obviously that is physical pain - a different category -but typically we don't allow that kind of excuse for impacting another person in that way. So sure you might not be "aware until it gets awful" but you know the objective manifestations -the time you need to be somewhere, the time on the clock, how long it will take to be there on time including prep time/travel, etc. - and you can set things up with the alarms/reminders/friends who might be willing to call you with a reminder or text ,etc - you can plan for that, too. Just sayin' -I do get that you mean well, I really do.

 

Agree with all of that. It requires exactly the sort of focus to fix that I lack when I am generally anxious. That doesn't absolve me of responsibility. I am just trying to describe the experience of it.

[Batya33]

Agree with all of that. It requires exactly the sort of focus to fix that I lack when I am generally anxious. That doesn't absolve me of responsibility. I am just trying to describe the experience of it.

 

Yes, so before you are generally anxious, my two cents is to be proactive and preventative. You already know the triggers and you have several ways to put plans in place so should that happen again and you lose focus, external sources will help you focus. As a pale by comparison example, if I have to deviate from my morning routine getting my child out the door and fed and clothed in time to make the bus, I know that even a minor deviation will throw me off and I'll forget something else that's important -that is when I'll lose focus. So whenever I know that in advance, I have all the extra post it notes and alarms on my phone and back ups for back ups ready. Because I know myself and how bad I am at going with the flow when I'm in a rush and stuck to my typical routine. Same for you -whenever you have a plan that requires you be there at a certain time, plan as if you'll be feeling generally anxious at that time even if it turns out you feel fine.

[camwhite18]

Even as someone who's a staunch proponent of punctuality, I do have to agree that it's not about you, OP, nor is it intrinsically indicative of him not caring about you. Like most things, I do believe chronic lateness has its own spectrum, and while a good number within it are simply discourteous, there are others who make the trait easier to look past.

 

I wouldn't consider this man among the latter. Not saying he doesn't care about you, but while he may not be acting flagrantly in disrespect of it, he certainly isn't caring or concerned about your time. Someone who was would give you a heads up beyond a general disclaimer of "I'm always late." Obviously he can't commit to a certain number of minutes he'll be late as that kinda defeats the purpose, but if he knows he's out the door late, if he's cutting it close even with good traffic, whatever, that's when he gives you a heads up, "Hey, sorry, just heading out the door from [whatever location] now. Might be a few minutes late if I hit traffic." Great. That at least gives you the opportunity to gauge whether you'd like to at least check out the cute boutique or whatever down the street for a few minutes rather than fiddling with your phone without a clue.

 

But, at the end of the day, you'd probably have to adapt by playing it loose with arriving on time yourself (not necessarily as a concerted effort, but simply not catching yourself rushing to meet the exact minute) and you both being OK if one or the other is late (another element of the spectrum is just how cool someone who's chronically late themselves is with someone else being late). Given that's simply not who you are, you'll only catch yourself resenting him more and more. Frankly, that gets to a point where it's unfair to both of you.

 

It's only been a couple dates. I'd cut your losses.

I couldn't agree more, it has nothing to do with you.