Girlfriend got a tattoo I don't like, how to deal?

[Miastar]

This whole incident goes deeper than the tattoo I believe. I agree with all the reading into this. The whole last-minute situation with the tattoo artist not being able to make it small enough... that's a bunch of bullcrap. A skilled artist can do anything, any size, anywhere.

I wanna share a short story, it's been told many times (especially on ENA) but I'll tell again. My ex-girlfriend. 6~ years ago she talked me into taking her on a long-ass drive to the other size of the city to a tattoo shop to get a big tattoo across her chest with song lyrics on it. It was a very spur-of-the-moment thing out of nowhere. At the time, I thought "whatever"... I was 21, I was gonna get to stare at my girlfriend half-naked getting a tattoo on her chest and I thought it would lead to other things that day. Well, it didn't lead to anything but a lame "thank you" followed by her dumping me some two weeks later because she turned out to be a closet lesbian. And I was devastated, and to this day it has screwed up my head and was a big thing that has happened to me in my life. I was hurt because I was really falling for her and I thought we were super compatible and everything. I wanna add in, that I did not like nor support the tattoo idea, but it was her body and everything.

 

The tattoo, it was just a catalyst to the lesbian confession. Tattoos, they are one of those things. They say something about people and who they really are that get them. And often it seems that people that get them... it is either inspired or followed by some psychological change going on with themselves. The feeling that they need to permanently change their bodies in a stupid way to make a public statement that no one cares about. I wanna add in, I'm not a superstitious guy, but to me, tattoos are bad luck.

This may sound rude/judgmental, but I'm gonna say it. I'm 27 years old. And I think almost every single person I have ever met/personally known that has a tattoo of any kind has had some kind of issues. Very nice women I was interested in years ago had small ones on her wrist. Turned out to have some kind of PTSD from the military, ended up getting knocked up on one drunk night by a loser. Another woman I was interested in that also had wrist tattoos lied to me for months about wanting to date me and things. A close friend of mine I knew since a teenager got tattoos on his legs, ended up having severe depression. Another great guy I know, doing well and has a kid/happy wife, but his life wasn't always peachy perfect, having messed up his college career and got thrown out of a fitness club for something to do with giving alcohol to minors... also has tattoos. Lastly a childhood friend I got that got tattoos also turned out weird, has marital problems, etc.

 

It seems like everyone I've ever known or met that has had them has had issues to some degree. I just question the mentality of anyone who feels the need to put stupid permanent ink on their bodies. I totally don't see anything wrong with you dumping this girl over the tattoo ordeal. Just think; you're going to have to see it forever if you stick with her. Every time you go out shirtless, to the beach, swimming, when you're intimate, that tattoo's going to be staring and laughing in your face. Think even longer... wedding photos with tattoos, first kids, etc. That tattoo is gonna be part of the story. If it bothers you now, it will only get worse down the road, and what's stopping her from getting more? First is the shoulder, then the arms, then the wrist, then the back, then the tramp stamp, then one on the foot...

I've concluded for me, tattoos are a deal breaker. And I'm a hard-rock/metalhead guy, I love metal music and things, write music, you think I would be "OK" with that lifestyle. But, I'm not OK with tattoos. It's permanently ruining a beautiful body. The wrist tattoos, sleeves, I hate it all. It's sickening. I'm just so weary of anyone that has tattoos, I feel like I'm instantly incompatible with someone who likes tattoos. I don't like it. I wanna say lastly, I think it's wrong she did this without your feelings in consideration. I don't know, if she thought of you as true "future husband" material and you really mattered to her, she may have second guessed getting this stupid ink. She didn't .

 

 

 

Doesn't everyone have some kind of "issue" or history though? Surely it's just a coincidence or just totally unnecessary. I could say "every man who I've dated who has chosen to live in london has had a back story/problem in his past".. it's true of everyone surely?

 

OP - it sounds like your partner having a tattoo may be a deal breaker, which is a shame but not the end of the world.

[katrina1980]

I think you have somehow twisted my wording or applied your own situation and personal experience somehow. Re-read the OP. I tried my best to support her decision, the issue came about when it turns out she lies to me about what she was getting. It has nothing to do with her being "mine", perhaps as someone who likes tattoos you can't understand the sentiment, but pick something you find to be a major turn off and imagine your partner wants to do it.

 

kleptoz, no need to defend how you feel.

 

I don't know what that other poster was going on about, she/he sounds a bit selfish, IMO.

 

Wanting what she wants, and that's it; it's *her* body, and if her bf doesn't like it, tough ****.

 

That's some attitude.

 

She also compares voluntarily altering ones body with acquiring a scar from an accident, for example.

 

It's not the same thing, apples and oranges.

 

Relationships are about understanding and **compromise** which is exactly what you attempted to do.

 

You dislike tattoos but because it was important to your gf, you supported her decision and compromised by agreeing to a small one.

 

That is a good healthy compromise!

 

But she disregarded that compromise and did what SHE wanted knowing full well how you felt about it. IMO that was disrespectful to you and your relationship.

 

I can't speak for others, but I don't conduct my relationships that way. I always consider my bf's feelings no matter what I do. We're in this together.

 

Also, that other poster insists that getting a tattoo is such a small thing, that if her BF loved her, he would disregard his own feelings about it and accept it.

 

Well, flipping the script , since getting a tattoo *is* such a small thing according to her, then if *she* loved him, then *she* would disregard her own desire for one and accept that he doesn't like them and turn him off.

 

Or accept the compromise he offered and get a small one, which again is a good healthy compromise which your gf disregarded. Thinking only of herself and what she wanted.

 

I think that was selfish and wrong.

[kleptoz28]

kleptoz, no need to defend how you feel.

 

I don't know what that other poster was going on about, she/he sounds a bit selfish, IMO.

 

Wanting what she wants, and that's it; it's *her* body, and if her bf doesn't like it, tough ****.

 

That's some attitude.

 

She also compares voluntarily altering ones body with acquiring a scar from an accident, for example.

 

It's not the same thing, apples and oranges.

 

Relationships are about understanding and **compromise** which is exactly what you attempted to do.

 

You dislike tattoos but because it was important to your gf, you supported her decision and compromised by agreeing to a small one.

 

That is a good healthy compromise!

 

But she disregarded that compromise and did what SHE wanted knowing full well how you felt about it. IMO that was disrespectful to you and your relationship.

 

I can't speak for others, but I don't conduct my relationships that way. I always consider my bf's feelings no matter what I do. We're in this together.

 

Also, that other poster insists that getting a tattoo is such a small thing, that if her BF loved her, he would disregard his own feelings about it and accept it.

 

Well, flipping the script , since getting a tattoo *is* such a small thing according to her, then if *she* loved him, then *she* would disregard her own desire for one and accept that he doesn't like them and turn him off.

 

Or accept the compromise he offered and get a small one, which again is a good healthy compromise which your gf disregarded. Thinking only of herself and what she wanted.

 

I think that was selfish and wrong.

 

I appreciate the response, you've pretty well echoed how I feel about the situation. I would never make a major change like that without considering my so's feelings.

 

To me it's a sign of an unhealthy relationship. If my feelings don't matter here, when and where else will they not matter?

 

Oddly enough she made that same "scars and burns" comparison the other posted did when I talked to her on the phone last night. I told her it's not the same thing, this was a conscious choice.

 

I'm seeing her tonight for the first time since she got it 2 days ago. I'm trying to get past it, but in my gut I feel like it's going to remind me every time I look at it how little she cares. I guess I'll know pretty soon, but I'm thinking this is a deal breaker and not just because of the physical aspect. I'm not sure I want to be with someone who only considers themselves.

[Krankor]

I appreciate the response, you've pretty well echoed how I feel about the situation. I would never make a major change like that without considering my so's feelings.

 

To me it's a sign of an unhealthy relationship. If my feelings don't matter here, when and where else will they not matter?

 

Oddly enough she made that same "scars and burns" comparison the other posted did when I talked to her on the phone last night. I told her it's not the same thing, this was a conscious choice.

 

I'm seeing her tonight for the first time since she got it 2 days ago. I'm trying to get past it, but in my gut I feel like it's going to remind me every time I look at it how little she cares. I guess I'll know pretty soon, but I'm thinking this is a deal breaker and not just because of the physical aspect. I'm not sure I want to be with someone who only considers themselves.

I think it's really silly to say that she "only considers her own feelings" because she got a tattoo.

 

Let's say you really like Mexican food and she really likes Chinese food. Every time you go out to eat you go to a Chinese restaraunt. She absolutely refuses to ever go out for Mexican even a quarter of the time, even though she knows you prefer it. In that case, you have a legitimate beef about her only caring about what she wants.

 

With the tattoo, however, we are talking a completely different situation. There was no trade-off. There was no compromise. You could say a compromise would have been a smaller tattoo but that's hardly fair, as if you two don't work out she'd be stuck forever with a tattoo she didn't really want as a compromise to you. No, in this case one of you was going to get your way, one of you wasn't. So, you tell me, OP, should YOU have gotten your way?

[katrina1980]

I think it's really silly to say that she "only considers her own feelings" because she got a tattoo.

 

Let's say you really like Mexican food and she really likes Chinese food. Every time you go out to eat you go to a Chinese restaraunt. She absolutely refuses to ever go out for Mexican even a quarter of the time, even though she knows you prefer it. In that case, you have a legitimate beef about her only caring about what she wants.

 

With the tattoo, however, we are talking a completely different situation. There was no trade-off. There was no compromise. You could say a compromise would have been a smaller tattoo but that's hardly fair, as if you two don't work out she'd be stuck forever with a tattoo she didn't really want as a compromise to you. No, in this case one of you was going to get your way, one of you wasn't. So, you tell me, OP, should YOU have gotten your way?

 

OP did compromise by agreeing to the smaller tattoo, which his gf accepted and was good with. Win win!

 

So it wasn't one or the other getting their way, they're both getting their way (if that's how you wish to refer to it).

 

If they end up breaking up later, she can get her elbow to shoulder tattoo; hell she's free to get a full body tattoo if that's what she wants.

 

What happened though is his gf dismissed that compromise and went ahead with what she wanted regardless, without any thought or consideration to how her bf would feel about it.

 

Most likely because she knew he wouldn't like it, and through hell or high water, she was going to get that elbow to shoulder tattoo no matter what!

 

To me that is disrespectful to the OP and their RL.

 

That said, I am going to repeat what I said in my first post. Wait a while before deciding what to do and determine if you can accept it and live with it. It may turn out not to be that big of an issue after all, in fact you may grow to actually like it and find it sexy, who knows.

 

What he may have trouble accepting is how she dismissed and disregarded the mutual compromise they agreed on. To me that is the bigger issue and I am pretty sure OP agrees.

 

And to also add, a shoulder to elbow tattoo is no small thing and I would venture to guess would turn many men off.

 

 

 

There are several photos depicting what it looks like.

[kleptoz28]

I think it's really silly to say that she "only considers her own feelings" because she got a tattoo.

 

Let's say you really like Mexican food and she really likes Chinese food. Every time you go out to eat you go to a Chinese restaraunt. She absolutely refuses to ever go out for Mexican even a quarter of the time, even though she knows you prefer it. In that case, you have a legitimate beef about her only caring about what she wants.

 

With the tattoo, however, we are talking a completely different situation. There was no trade-off. There was no compromise. You could say a compromise would have been a smaller tattoo but that's hardly fair, as if you two don't work out she'd be stuck forever with a tattoo she didn't really want as a compromise to you. No, in this case one of you was going to get your way, one of you wasn't. So, you tell me, OP, should YOU have gotten your way?

 

I think this is someone else who didn't fully read the original post. This is not what she said she wanted. There was never any discussion of her wanting what she ended up getting.

 

The understanding was that she wanted a small tattoo and I fully supported it but had a discussion with her about how I don't like larger ones but would be okay with what she was talking about getting.

 

To use your food example it would be more like if you both agreed to go get Chinese but she drives to the Mexican place every time.

[Pleasedonot5]

She's right: her body, her choice.

 

The caveat is you don't have to stay with her if her choice turns you off completely.

[kleptoz28]

What he may have trouble accepting is how she dismissed and disregarded the mutual compromise they agreed on. To me that is the bigger issue and I am pretty sure OP agrees.

 

And to also add, a shoulder to elbow tattoo is no small thing and I would venture to guess would turn many men off.

 

 

 

There are several photos depicting what it looks like.

 

At least someone gets it. The hell of it is it wasn't really a compromise. The half sleeve she ended up getting was never even mentioned. She never told me she wanted something that large at all. She understood that I didn't like tattoos, but I was okay with what she wanted because it was supposed to be small.

 

As far as I knew she was getting what she wanted. Her claim is the artist wouldn't do it any smaller and she's happy with how it turned out. I think it was an impulsive decision and if it wasn't exactly what she wanted she should have went elsewhere.

 

A better example might be a Google image search on girls half sleeve.

[katrina1980]

She's right: her body, her choice.

 

The caveat is you don't have to stay with her if her choice turns you off completely.

 

Exactly. And I would venture to guess (at least in part) is what troubles (and hurts) the OP on a certain level also.

 

That she obviously just didn't care whether or not he became turned off and, as such, chose not to stay.

 

I mean she had to have known this was a possibility. She just didn't care.

 

Yeah, coming to this realization about your partner would hurt, on top of feeling dismissed and disrespected.

[Pleasedonot5]

That she obviously just didn't care whether or not he became turned off and, as such, chose not to stay.

 

I've been there before (not tattoos, but similar concept), and have broken up with a previous girlfriend because of that feeling. I'm confident in that it was the right decision for me.

[IAmFCA]

Exactly. And I would venture to guess (at least in part) is what troubles (and hurts) the OP on a certain level also.

 

That she obviously just didn't care whether or not he became turned off and, as such, chose not to stay.

 

I mean she had to have known this was a possibility. She just didn't care.

 

Yeah, coming to this realization about your partner would hurt, on top of feeling dismissed and disrespected.

 

Same as it would hurt her that she hasn't changed a bit except for this visual detail, and he was able to walk away on that basis alone (as it would seem to her).

[katrina1980]

Same as it would hurt her that she hasn't changed a bit except for this visual detail, and he was able to walk away on that basis alone (as it would seem to her).

 

Fair point and why, although I hope they can work it out, I believe this RL is probably done.

 

To add though, and as OP himself has stated numerous times, if he chose to walk away it wouldn't be just because of the tattoo itself.

 

His main concern was he felt disrespected by her disregarding and dismissing their earlier agreement for a smaller tattoo.

 

Which is a valid concern, imo.

 

Maybe not so valid to others, but to him, it was.

[Krankor]

I think this is someone else who didn't fully read the original post. This is not what she said she wanted. There was never any discussion of her wanting what she ended up getting.

 

The understanding was that she wanted a small tattoo and I fully supported it but had a discussion with her about how I don't like larger ones but would be okay with what she was talking about getting.

 

To use your food example it would be more like if you both agreed to go get Chinese but she drives to the Mexican place every time.

I read the first post, which is why I brought up the "compromise" about the smaller tattoo. Maybe she lied, which is wrong, or maybe it was a spur of the moment thing. Either way, to suggest that this is a situation which requires some sort of common ground i.e. "You want a big tattoo, I don't want any tattoos on you, so we'll compromise and you'll get a smaller one" is absolutely ludicrous. Perhaps she shouldn't have agreed to that, but it doesn't really matter. It's her body; she should get 100% of her way about it. You aren't even married for heaven's sake; you are just boyfriend and girlfriend. I can't fathom why you or anyone else thinks you should have some say over whether or not she gets a tattoo, or where, or what, or how large. You don't get a vote here, period.

 

What you do have is the ability to decide whether or not you still to be with her. This is an issue of whether or not you are compatible. That's it. It would ne perfectly fair for you to decide that yoi are no longer compatible. But to make it an issue of her "not considering your feelings" is beyond absurd.

[katrina1980]

 

But to make it an issue of her "not considering your feelings" is beyond absurd.

 

Oh lordy Krankor, I usually agree with your posts, but that comment was so dismissive and insulting.

 

Feelings are never "absurd," never-mind "beyond absurd."

 

They just are, whether you agree with them or not.

 

If he feels disrespected (or whatever he feels) because she didn't consider his feelings about it, he's entitled to that.

 

Just because you wouldn't be, that doesn't make how he feels "absurd" geez.

 

 

What you do have is the ability to decide whether or not you still to be with her. This is an issue of whether or not you are compatible.

 

This^ I agree with

[Krankor]

Oh lordy Krankor, I usually agree with your posts, but that comment was so dismissive and insulting.

 

Feelings are never "absurd," never-mind "beyond absurd."

 

They just are, whether you agree with them or not.

 

If he feels disrespected (or whatever he feels) because she didn't consider his feelings about it, he's entitled to that.

 

Just because you wouldn't be, that doesn't make how he feels "absurd" geez.

 

 

 

This^ I agree with

Maybe "absurd" is a bit strong. I'm not trying to insult the OP, I'm just disagreeing with him. But what I'm calling "absurd" isn't any feeling he has. If he feels sad or disappointed or angry so be it. However, he's stating a position that she isn't considering his feelings. Taking a position is different than having a feeling IMO.

 

To me, what would be wrong is if he would break up with her and say "I am breaking up with you because you don't consider my feelings" unless, of course, there was other evidence of that. Instead, if he broke up with her over this it would be more honest to say "I am breaking up with you because it turns out we really aren't compatible." In the former there would be a sort of victim-playing that would be unfair.

[kleptoz28]

I read the first post, which is why I brought up the "compromise" about the smaller tattoo. Maybe she lied, which is wrong, or maybe it was a spur of the moment thing. Either way, to suggest that this is a situation which requires some sort of common ground i.e. "You want a big tattoo, I don't want any tattoos on you, so we'll compromise and you'll get a smaller one" is absolutely ludicrous. Perhaps she shouldn't have agreed to that, but it doesn't really matter. It's her body; she should get 100% of her way about it. You aren't even married for heaven's sake; you are just boyfriend and girlfriend. I can't fathom why you or anyone else thinks you should have some say over whether or not she gets a tattoo, or where, or what, or how large. You don't get a vote here, period.

 

What you do have is the ability to decide whether or not you still to be with her. This is an issue of whether or not you are compatible. That's it. It would ne perfectly fair for you to decide that yoi are no longer compatible. But to make it an issue of her "not considering your feelings" is beyond absurd.

 

I'm not sure where everyone keeps saying there was some sort of compromise. She never said she wanted a bigger one. She said all along this "small" one (if 4" or so is small, med maybe?) is what she wanted and I was willing to support that. The idea she wanted a larger one and I talked her out of it is fabricated by people replying to this thread.

 

She knew I didn't like them, but showed me what she was getting, I told her I was fine with it. Then she comes back with a half sleeve.

[Krankor]

I'm not sure where everyone keeps saying there was some sort of compromise. She never said she wanted a bigger one. She said all along this small one is what she wanted and I was willing to support that. The idea she wanted a larger one and I talked her out of it is fabricated by people replying to this thread.

 

She knew I didn't like them, but showed me what she was getting, I told her I was fine with it. Then she comes back with a half sleeve.

The compromise came with your "I don't like tattoos on a woman but I guess I can live with that" stance. When she decided to go a little bit bigger you seemingly took on an indignant "Wait a minute, I didn't agree to this!" stance. It doesn't matter. She was well within her rights to change her mind and go bigger. You can take that as a sign that you aren't compatible but shouldn't try to twist this into a "She doesn't care about my feelings" scenario. Your feelings about what she puts on her upper arm are irrelevant beyond deciding whether or not it means you want to continue seeing her. I'm sorry, that's just how it is.

[kleptoz28]

The compromise came with your "I don't like tattoos on a woman but I guess I can live with that" stance. When she decided to go a little bit bigger you seemingly took on an indignant "Wait a minute, I didn't agree to this!" stance. It doesn't matter. She was well within her rights to change her mind and go bigger. You can take that as a sign that you aren't compatible but shouldn't try to twist this into a "She doesn't care about my feelings" scenario. Your feelings about what she puts on her upper arm are irrelevant beyond deciding whether or not it means you want to continue seeing her. I'm sorry, that's just how it is.

 

Respectfully, I disagree. I think if you're in a relationship, you consider your partner's feelings in all major decisions. You're entitled to conduct your own relationships as you choose, but I wouldn't want to be with someone who takes that stance. Apparently I am, but probably not for much longer. There's definitely a compatibility issue here, amongst other things.

[Krankor]

To put it another way OP, what you are implying is that when she was sitting in the chair and realized she wanted to go bigger with the tattoo, she should have stopped and said "No, wait a minute. It's what I want but it's more than my boyfriend said he is willing to support. I guess I'd better consider his feelings and go with the original plan."

 

Yeah...no.

[Krankor]

Respectfully, I disagree. I think if you're in a relationship, you consider your partner's feelings in all major decisions. You're entitled to conduct your own relationships as you choose, but I wouldn't want to be with someone who takes that stance. Apparently I am, but probably not for much longer. There's definitely a compatibility issue here, amongst other things.

Here's where I disagree. Yes, when it comes to major decisions that affect both people roughly equally--where to live, what home to buy, major shared purchases, etc--both partner's feelings should be considered. Actually, when it comes to minor decisions that affect both the same is true, like where to eat, what show to watch next, etc the same holds true.

 

This decision does NOT affect you equally. Not even close. Not even on the same continent.

 

I had an ex who hated how I groomed myself. I prefer to stay clean-shaven with a short, military-style haircut. She preferred the scruffier look on a guy with basically hockey hair and a beard. That's not me. It will never be me. But she was always pushing for it and would get angry when I went and got my hair cut. She went so far as to say that I was "selfish" for insisting on getting "my way" when it came to my own hair. My argument was always that while I considered her preference, I decided it wasn't for me. For her to continue to push the issue was controlling and she instead needed to take it or leave it. Accept me for who I am or move on.

[katrina1980]

To put it another way OP, what you are implying is that when she was sitting in the chair and realized she wanted to go bigger with the tattoo, she should have stopped and said "No, wait a minute. It's what I want but it's more than my boyfriend said he is willing to support. I guess I'd better consider his feelings and go with the original plan."

 

Yeah...no.

 

LOL, call me old fashioned or whatever but yeah that is exactly what I would do (and have done) when in a serious committed long term relationship. Not re a tattoo, personally I don't care for them on my own body, but other things.

 

I consider my boyfriend's feelings about it before just deciding to go ahead with it. For the reasons I stated in my very first post.

 

But then again, I am not one of those "hear me roar, it's MY body dammit" type of woman lol, two of my relationships (one more than the other) were Dom/Sub in many ways, so perhaps that is why I feel as I do.

 

I like to make my man happy and turn him on. And as I said in my first post, he does things to make me happy and turn me on.

 

Although I would imagine there are women who aren't in Dom/Sub relationships who want to make their men happy and turn them on too.

 

It's what you do when in a committed relationship, you consider your partner's feelings. Discuss it and reach a compromise. Whether it's about my body, his body, where to live or anything else. At least that is how I was raised.

 

Again, different strokes.

[yatsue]

kleptoz, no need to defend how you feel.

 

I don't know what that other poster was going on about, she/he sounds a bit selfish, IMO.

 

Wanting what she wants, and that's it; it's *her* body, and if her bf doesn't like it, tough ****.

 

That's some attitude.

 

She also compares voluntarily altering ones body with acquiring a scar from an accident, for example.

 

It's not the same thing, apples and oranges.

 

Relationships are about understanding and **compromise** which is exactly what you attempted to do.

 

You dislike tattoos but because it was important to your gf, you supported her decision and compromised by agreeing to a small one.

 

That is a good healthy compromise!

 

But she disregarded that compromise and did what SHE wanted knowing full well how you felt about it. IMO that was disrespectful to you and your relationship.

 

I can't speak for others, but I don't conduct my relationships that way. I always consider my bf's feelings no matter what I do. We're in this together.

 

Also, that other poster insists that getting a tattoo is such a small thing, that if her BF loved her, he would disregard his own feelings about it and accept it.

 

Well, flipping the script , since getting a tattoo *is* such a small thing according to her, then if *she* loved him, then *she* would disregard her own desire for one and accept that he doesn't like them and turn him off.

 

Or accept the compromise he offered and get a small one, which again is a good healthy compromise which your gf disregarded. Thinking only of herself and what she wanted.

 

I think that was selfish and wrong.

 

Btw that comment was a mis-reference by the OP to one of your posts, so yeah it wouldn't make sense that he thinks it doesn't make sense when the post was in response to another user. And this is an untrue statement: "She also compares voluntarily altering ones body with acquiring a scar from an accident", I was comparing voluntary scars, such as from voluntary surgeries or whatnot. Reference the bag example I provided. I never said "accident".

 

It's pretty ridiculous that someone would think it's selfish to do something to your own body, just because you happen to be in a relationship at that point in time. I don't care what my partner does to his own body because I don't attach selfish conditions, such as "Always let me know if you make any changes to your body so I can approve of it in advance!" or "If you do anything to your body that I don't like, I'll give you hell or break up with you! So always let me know if you change your mind at any point".

 

So out of a relationship, a person is not selfish anymore but if they're in one, they become selfish? It seems to you guys, we'll need to consult our partners about any change we make in order to please our partner. Well, that's called a controlling relationship. It's the epitome of selfishness because a partner feels justified in their right to your body, only thinking of what they want for your autonomy in their image. Your rights to your autonomy do not go away, even partially, when you enter a relationship.

 

OP, if you feel like you need a submissive girl in a relationship, then that's all you. However, I would tread carefully as it could cross many boundaries in any of your future relationships. Your girlfriend was not wrong in getting what she wants for her body, but it is wrong if she was to tell you what she wants for yours, as you did to her. You are not her keeper and she isn't your keeper. Now that your girlfriend has a tattoo she didn't really expect on getting and didn't pre-approve it through you, there is no going back. Are you going to break up over this or talk to her about how it makes you feel? The latter would only be a productive conversation if you tell her that it wasn't the tattoo, but the letting you know part you are unhappy with. She needs to let you know in advance of any changes to her body and to consult you about it in the future, in order to come to an agreement.

[kleptoz28]

Here's where I disagree. Yes, when it comes to major decisions that affect both people roughly equally--where to live, what home to buy, major shared purchases, etc--both partner's feelings should be considered. Actually, when it comes to minor decisions that affect both the same is true, like where to eat, what show to watch next, etc the same holds true.

 

This decision does NOT affect you equally. Not even close. Not even on the same continent.

 

I had an ex who hated how I groomed myself. I prefer to stay clean-shaven with a short, military-style haircut. She preferred the scruffier look on a guy with basically hockey hair and a beard. That's not me. It will never be me. But she was always pushing for it and would get angry when I went and got my hair cut. She went so far as to say that I was "selfish" for insisting on getting "my way" when it came to my own hair. My argument was always that while I considered her preference, I decided it wasn't for me. For her to continue to push the issue was controlling and she instead needed to take it or leave it. Accept me for who I am or move on.

 

The comparison is flawed again, because she tried to change you. This girl was exactly what my preference is, and after being together for a year, she has elected to change herself in a permenant way. I liked her just as she was, and had no indication in the first year she intended to change that.

 

I'm catching a lot of flak in this thread, but I do know what I have to do. It just sucks, but people change, and not everyone is meant to stay together.

[yatsue]

Here's where I disagree. Yes, when it comes to major decisions that affect both people roughly equally--where to live, what home to buy, major shared purchases, etc--both partner's feelings should be considered. Actually, when it comes to minor decisions that affect both the same is true, like where to eat, what show to watch next, etc the same holds true.

 

This decision does NOT affect you equally. Not even close. Not even on the same continent.

 

I had an ex who hated how I groomed myself. I prefer to stay clean-shaven with a short, military-style haircut. She preferred the scruffier look on a guy with basically hockey hair and a beard. That's not me. It will never be me. But she was always pushing for it and would get angry when I went and got my hair cut. She went so far as to say that I was "selfish" for insisting on getting "my way" when it came to my own hair. My argument was always that while I considered her preference, I decided it wasn't for me. For her to continue to push the issue was controlling and she instead needed to take it or leave it. Accept me for who I am or move on.

 

I agree with all of this, and would like to add anything involving pregnancy is also a major decision a couple has to make together. This is due to the fact that this is a shared effort. Key word: shared. However, a person's appearance always changes and should not be governed by their partner. Appearance is individual, unless if you're Siamese twins, it is not a shared aspect of the relationship, such as finances and making offspring. It takes two for both of the examples mentioned, while it does not take two to change a person's appearance. It is the person in question that holds that right.

 

I remember a friend from college who is a fitness fanatic. She was admirable, but her boyfriend had issues in how she was developing her body. They would fight a lot over it. I always thought she should dump him; she was gorgeous! She has muscle and he said he was intimidated by it. It was a pretty controlling relationship with him demanding she does everything his way, although it ended anyway. They were incompatible, but it's pretty selfish to dictate how your partner should develop their body.

 

Some mistake that they have a right over their partner's appearance because it influences attraction. Sure, attraction is influenced by what a partner looks like or becomes, but attraction is superficial and individually dynamic. Like I said before, you should love a person for who they are, not what they look like because looks change whether you want it to or not. If a partner dictates how they should handle their body, it becomes controlling. Anything from tattoos, to their hair, surgery, makeup, clothes, fitness level etc. should only be dictated by the person who has to perform these changes. It comes from the individual, not from their partner.

 

It is naive for a partner to believe their significant other will never change physically. Physical appearance is dynamic, meaning it is always changing. Expect hardships if you think your partner will never change on something that isn't stagnant. I wish you luck OP.

[MissCanuck]

Just break up with her, OP.

 

Rather than endlessly debating who is right or wrong, look at the result: you don't like her decision-making process and you don't like the physical alteration she made.

 

If you cannot overlook this, then don't. Let each other go so you can find people more suited to the both of you.