Girlfriend got a tattoo I don't like, how to deal?

[kleptoz28]

If you don't accept her for her awesome tattoos then leave. That's who she is and she's not gonna cjnage. Find a girl who doesn't like tattoos

 

I thought I had. Singular tattoo, there's only one. She decided to be a girl who liked them after a year. The whole point was, who she is did change and I'm trying to accept that.

[kleptoz28]

I am about those who offered advice how-to deal with it. My advice derived from my experience with someone who was categorically unattractive from a physical standpoint. His character was exemplary. i wanted to love him, so I taught myself how.

 

If you want to deal, you cannot use concepts like hiding it etc. Acceptance is required of you.

 

And your advice was actually sound, and in part what I'm trying to do. Hiding it when we're out for a while was her suggestion btw, not mine.

[IAmFCA]

And your advice was actually sound, and in part what I'm trying to do. Hiding it when we're out for a while was her suggestion btw, not mine.

 

Ah, got it. Thank you for saying this, it helps me understand.

 

My other thoughts were directed at ideas I heard that are divisive. Those you will have to let go. The tattoos (pluralseems more appropriate) have become a flashpoint for "how much do you love me" and most any human behavior will fail that sort of test.

 

she took the risk that you would leave and that's a blow to the ego and the heart. she sensed/knew a large tattoo would be enough to make you leave, and thats a blow to her ego and heart.

 

Trust in each other's affection is now diminished. How do you recover?

[BritterSweet]

Tattoos are permanent, so I believe that if you're going to get one, it should be exactly what you want for yourself. The "compromise/agreement" shouldn't have even happened in the first place.

 

The person I'm dating or even married to can get a giant swastika on the face, and I still don't get a say in that. The only choice I have in this situation is whether or not I will stay with the person. Because it's their body, not mine. It's not about me!

 

Likewise, her decision to get the big tattoo was not something she did to wrong you.

[kleptoz28]

Tattoos are permanent, so I believe that if you're going to get one, it should be exactly what you want for yourself. The "compromise/agreement" shouldn't have even happened in the first place.

 

The person I'm dating or even married to can get a giant swastika on the face, and I still don't get a say in that. The only choice I have in this situation is whether or not I will stay with the person. Because it's their body, not mine. It's not about me!

 

Likewise, her decision to get the big tattoo was not something she did to wrong you.

 

Again with this. This is something fabricated by posters in this thread. There was no compromise. She wanted a smaller one and I was okay with that. At the last minute when she went in the tattoo artist can't do the detail that small and talked her into getting a much larger one.

 

This sounded like garbage to me at first too, but the more I'm finding out about it the more I understand why it happened and the more I think it was a very rash decision on her part. I found out today it wasn't even done at a shop. The reason it was so cheap is some dude is doing them out of his d*** house.

 

I haven't said it to her but I'm also not impressed with the quality of the work. I wish she would have talked to me about it before making that decision because honestly I would have been willing to pay for it myself for her to go somewhere better.

[mustlovedogs]

It was an agreement for a smaller tattoo. She told you what she wanted, you said you were ok with that. You can't bash every poster for saying you agreed to a smaller tattoo than the one she got because you did.

[kleptoz28]

It was an agreement for a smaller tattoo. She told you what she wanted, you said you were ok with that. You can't bash every poster for saying you agreed to a smaller tattoo than the one she got because you did.

 

Everyone who says she "compromised" with me is making something up for the sake of argument.

 

READ before replying. She herself wanted something smaller. For some reason she gets one done out of some guys house instead of a reputable shop and he claims it has to be larger. My assumption is he doesn't have the right equipment in his home to do the details right. That's how it happened, I'm not "bashing" anyone but it's aggravating to read people making their own story up and commenting on it.

[katrina1980]

Tattoos are permanent, so I believe that if you're going to get one, it should be exactly what you want for yourself. The "compromise/agreement" shouldn't have even happened in the first place.

 

The person I'm dating or even married to can get a giant swastika on the face, and I still don't get a say in that. The only choice I have in this situation is whether or not I will stay with the person. Because it's their body, not mine. It's not about me!

 

Likewise, her decision to get the big tattoo was not something she did to wrong you.

 

Not to beat a dead horse, but where she went "wrong" was agreeing to and essentially promising him she was only getting the 4 inch tattoo, assuring him he had nothing to worry about, and then reneging on that agreement/promise and a getting the half sleeve.

 

I am getting a bit wound up now cause everyone (with a few exceptions) seems to be on this kick throughout this thread that since its "her" body, she can do with it what she pleases (which I agree with) and insisting the OP is too demanding/controlling.

 

When the fact is the OP 'never' demanded anything, nor is there any evidence that he is "controlling" (read his original post again if you need to) and completely dismissing the bigger issue.

 

That bigger issue being she and the OP made a tacit agreement, she even assured him he had "nothing to worry about" as she was aware of his aversion, but went ahead with what she wanted (the half sleeve) regardless, without so much as letting him know the original plan for the smaller tattoo changed. Which was totally disrespectful.

 

Again maybe I'm old fashioned, or just completely naive, but when a couple in a committed relationship makes an agreement, no matter how trivial it may seem to others, such agreement should stand for "something" and mean something.

 

The 'respectful' thing would have been, at the very least, to inform him she was changing the plan and not just arbitrarily deciding to do what she wants, completely dismissing their original conversation, agreement and her assurances that she would get the small tattoo.

 

Agree with BitterSweet that the compromise/agreement should never have even happened in the first place.

 

All that said, I hope they can work it out.

 

DONE.

[BritterSweet]

Again with this. This is something fabricated by posters in this thread. There was no compromise. She wanted a smaller one and I was okay with that. At the last minute when she went in the tattoo artist can't do the detail that small and talked her into getting a much larger one.

 

This sounded like garbage to me at first too, but the more I'm finding out about it the more I understand why it happened and the more I think it was a very rash decision on her part. I found out today it wasn't even done at a shop. The reason it was so cheap is some dude is doing them out of his d*** house.

 

I haven't said it to her but I'm also not impressed with the quality of the work. I wish she would have talked to me about it before making that decision because honestly I would have been willing to pay for it myself for her to go somewhere better.

 

Alright if the compromise thing really was an inaccuracy then I apologize. But my original point still stands about how she alone gets a say in what she does to her own body. Getting a tattoo that turns out be bigger than what she originally said she would get is still nothing wrong. You may say it was a rash decision, but it was still hers to make. You saying she has BPD in an earlier post does not invalidate her decision.

 

You don't have to like her tattoo. You don't have to "accept" and stay with her anyway. But her choice is none of your business.

[figureitout23]

Again with this. This is something fabricated by posters in this thread. There was no compromise. She wanted a smaller one and I was okay with that. At the last minute when she went in the tattoo artist can't do the detail that small and talked her into getting a much larger one.

 

This sounded like garbage to me at first too, but the more I'm finding out about it the more I understand why it happened and the more I think it was a very rash decision on her part. I found out today it wasn't even done at a shop. The reason it was so cheap is some dude is doing them out of his d*** house.

 

I haven't said it to her but I'm also not impressed with the quality of the work. I wish she would have talked to me about it before making that decision because honestly I would have been willing to pay for it myself for her to go somewhere better.

 

Everyone who says she "compromised" with me is making something up for the sake of argument.

 

READ before replying. She herself wanted something smaller. For some reason she gets one done out of some guys house instead of a reputable shop and he claims it has to be larger. My assumption is he doesn't have the right equipment in his home to do the details right. That's how it happened, I'm not "bashing" anyone but it's aggravating to read people making their own story up and commenting on it.

 

Take the word compromise out then.

 

She made a personal choice to permanently decorate her body in a way she saw fit after speaking with you about it.

 

Does that work better for you?

 

 

You're getting so upset over word choices, but the fact remains - She chose a bigger tattoo, rash decision or not, discussed with you or not, she made that decision - its done, its over. You can dislike the decision until the cows come home, hash out every tiny detail, that is your prerogative, but whats done is done. What are you going to do about it?

[katrina1980]

Alright if the compromise thing really was an inaccuracy then I apologize. But my original point still stands about how she alone gets a say in what she does to her own body. Getting a tattoo that turns out be bigger than what she originally said she would get is still nothing wrong. You may say it was a rash decision, but it was still hers to make. You saying she has BPD in an earlier post does not invalidate her decision.

 

You don't have to like her tattoo. You don't have to "accept" and stay with her anyway. But her choice is none of your business.

 

BitterSweet, read further. It may not have been a 'compromise" in the standard sense, but knowing his aversion to tattoos, she assured him it was only going to be small, 4 inches. Told him he had "nothing to worry about." Her exact words.

 

And being that he loves her, he did compromise on his preference (that she remain tattoo free), and supported her decision.

 

Believing her assurances that it would only be 4 inches.

 

That was their agreement.

 

Again, do not such assurances, and agreements made between a couple in a committed relationship stand for anything?

 

Why make a point of assuring him and agreeing to the smaller tattoo, when in the end she did what she wanted regardless?

 

Did her reneging on the agreement and her assurances not even warrant a text letting him know before she went ahead with the half sleeve?

 

Not asking permission, just letting him know. It's called having respect. For your partner and your relationship. At least IMO it is.

 

I dunno I feel like I'm going crazy now. lol.

[figureitout23]

BitterSweet, read further. It may not have been a 'compromise" in the standard sense, but knowing his aversion to tattoos, she assured him it was only going to small, 4 inches. Told him he had "nothing to worry about." Her exact words.

 

And being that he loves her, he did compromise on his preference (that she remain tattoo free), and supported her decision.

 

Believing her assurances that it would only be 4 inches.

 

Katrina, hes the one getting upset over the word 'compromise'.

 

She 'assured' him it would be 4 inches. She lied, changed her mind, got bamboozled, fell asleep on the chair, forgot the size, was high on fairy dust she bought off an alien, tt doesn't matter, she did what she did and it was her choice to make and its done. Theres no guarantee they'll be together in 10 years, hell theres not even a guarantee they'll be together in 10 months. She has to live with her decision, not him.

 

Lets say she called him from the shop, guys house, whatever and said, "Hey babe, I know you're going to be mad but its not going to be 4 inches, its going to be half my arm." he says "ok". He still wouldn't have liked it, right?

 

Lets say he says, "No, I didnt agree to that'", she says screw you and does it anyway, he still wouldn't have liked it, right?

 

Lets say she says ok and doesn't get a tattoo at all, shes unhappy, lets say she wanted a bigger one but he said no so she gets a 4 inch one to appease him, again, shes unhappy.

 

The design she wanted had to be done at that size so at the end of the day, someone was going to be left unhappy and since its her body...

[BritterSweet]

BitterSweet, read further. It may not have been a 'compromise" in the standard sense, but knowing his aversion to tattoos, she assured him it was only going to be small, 4 inches. Told him he had "nothing to worry about." Her exact words.

 

And being that he loves her, he did compromise on his preference (that she remain tattoo free), and supported her decision.

 

Believing her assurances that it would only be 4 inches.

 

That was their agreement.

 

Again, do not such assurances, and agreements made between a couple in a committed relationship stand for anything?

Why make a point of assuring him and agreeing to the smaller tattoo, when in the end she did what she wanted regardless?

Did her reneging on the agreement and her assurances not even warrant a text letting him know before she went ahead with the half sleeve?

 

Not asking permission, just letting him know. It's called having respect. For your partner and your relationship. At least IMO it is.

 

I dunno I feel like I'm going crazy now. lol.

 

The only time I would say this is valid would be if, for example, they want to get matching tattoos as a couple, and this change now meant that in order to match her, he would have to get a bigger tattoo than he was expecting. But no, she's the only one getting the ink. She has the final say, and she had the right to change her mind.

 

Being in a romantic relationship, no matter the commitment level, does not mean one partner gives up any portion of their bodily autonomy for the other's preferences.

[katrina1980]

 

She 'assured' him it would be 4 inches. She lied, changed her mind, got bamboozled, fell asleep on the chair, forgot the size, was high on fairy dust she bought off an alien, tt doesn't matter, she did what she did and it was her choice to make and its done. Theres no guarantee they'll be together in 10 years, hell theres not even a guarantee they'll be together in 10 months. She has to live with her decision, not him.

 

Lets say she called him from the shop, guys house, whatever and said, "Hey babe, I know you're going to be mad but its not going to be 4 inches, its going to be half my arm." he says "ok". He still wouldn't have liked it, right?

 

Lets say he says, "No, I didnt agree to that'", she says screw you and does it anyway, he still wouldn't have liked it, right?

 

Lets say she says ok and doesn't get a tattoo at all, shes unhappy, lets say she wanted a bigger one but he said no so she gets a 4 inch one to appease him, again, shes unhappy.

 

The design she wanted had to be done at that size so at the end of the day, someone was going to be left unhappy and since its her body...

 

LOL at your first paragraph, and okay fair enough, I do see your point. Sort of.

 

It's still not how I would have handled it, but not everyone is going to do things the way I do, just need to accept that and not get so wound up.

 

It's just that when I'm in a committed relationship, I take that commitment very seriously and don't mess it up by not considering my bf's feelings (about anything) and reneging on agreements.

 

I do see your point though and thanks for interjecting some humor, needed that!

 

What a mess.

 

I hope they can work it out.

[kleptoz28]

The other point, which I just discovered and posted earlier this morning, and no one else seems to have acknowledged, even for those here in support of tattoos as an art and she can do what she wants...

 

Getting one done on you from some guy practicing on people out of his house? And when she finds out he doesn't have the right equipment to do small detail but has to have it NOW so badly that the size and quality of work don't matter? In my opinion that is a poorly thought out and rash decision. I think what it says about her thought process is bothering me as much as the result. With me or without me, I think she'll eventually regret trying to go cheap on something that's forever.

 

Yes, it's all a huge mess. Say whatever you want about me, I just wish she'd have picked up the phone. I'd have paid 10x what she paid that guy to take her to a shop and have one that was not only smaller, but better looking. Also, possible she gets scarring from overworked skin letting some guy out of his house do this.

[katrina1980]

The only time I would say this is valid would be if, for example, they want to get matching tattoos as a couple, and this change now meant that in order to match her, he would have to get a bigger tattoo than he was expecting. But no, she's the only one getting the ink. She has the final say, and she had the right to change her mind.

 

Being in a romantic relationship, no matter the commitment level, does not mean one partner gives up any portion of their bodily autonomy for the other's preferences.

 

Please read my posts (today) again.

 

NOT saying she had to give anything up, just letting him know prior, out of respect for him and the earlier agreement they made.

 

That's all.

[mustlovedogs]

^ that is a valid point. In everyone else's defense, OP, you get so caught up on word choice that it deviates the argument IMO.

 

I would speculate she does have some emotional things going on if she made a decision like that (if she is otherwise a very rational person)

[kleptoz28]

^ that is a valid point. In everyone else's defense, OP, you get so caught up on word choice that it deviates the argument IMO.

 

I would speculate she does have some emotional things going on if she made a decision like that (if she is otherwise a very rational person)

 

The word choice turns the argument into something it isn't. Read the last post I made on the previous page. I'm not trying to control her, I think it's crazy to handle the situation the way she did, and I'd have been willing to pay for it myself had I known what was really going on.

[BritterSweet]

The other point, which I just discovered and posted earlier this morning, and no one else seems to have acknowledged, even for those here in support of tattoos as an art and she can do what she wants...

 

Getting one done on you from some guy practicing on people out of his house? And when she finds out he doesn't have the right equipment to do small detail but has to have it NOW so badly that the size and quality of work don't matter? In my opinion that is a poorly thought out and rash decision. I think what it says about her thought process is bothering me as much as the result. With me or without me, I think she'll eventually regret trying to go cheap on something that's forever.

 

Yes, it's all a huge mess. Say whatever you want about me, I just wish she'd have picked up the phone. I'd have paid 10x what she paid that guy to take her to a shop and have one that was not only smaller, but better looking. Also, possible she gets scarring from overworked skin letting some guy out of his house do this.

 

Not the point. And it still won't make us say what you want to hear about how she did the wrong thing.

 

Anyway, I went back and reread your first post:

 

I've been dating this girl for over a year. About 2 months ago, she mentioned wanting a tattoo and showed me the design she wanted. Tattoos are an extreme turn off for me, nothing wrong with a person having them, just a physical preference that affects my attraction. I can't explain or control it, but I wouldn't approach someone with lots of them as a romantic interest.

 

I talked to her about it, and said it is her body and her decision. I told her I find large tats and sleeves extremely unattractive but I love her and want her to be happy, so if she wants a small one I can get past it and fully support what she decides to get. She told me it would be a small tattoo maybe 4" or so on her bicep and showed me the design.

She had the appointment yesterday, and we talked before she went in. She assured me what she was getting was small and I have nothing to worry about. I got a text 3 hours later "It's done, but you won't like it". Apparently, the artist told her he couldn't get the detail she wanted in a small design so at the last minute she decided to let him do a full shoulder to elbow design. I wasn't told about it until it was done.

 

I know some people will say I should accept whatever she does, but I feel slightly decieved and I feel like my opinion doesn't matter to her. I find it extremely unattractive, and it's not even something with meaning just a bunch of flowers she thought looked good.

 

So now I'm not sure how to handle this. Someone I love now has something I find extremely unappealing. She says I'm being superficial and if I love her it won't matter. I think by doing this, she's placed wanting to change her appearance over the relationship. It also seems insanely impulsive and irresponsible to be talked into getting a much larger tattoo at the last minute. It's there forever now and I don't know if I can be ok with it. Any advice?

 

That's where the other posters got that you made a compromise, which is a reasonable conclusion to make. It was not a complete fabrication.

[mustlovedogs]

OP I get what you're saying. Stop being so combative. When people acknowledge your viewpoint (as I did) you still insist on arguing.

[LaHermes]

You'd think, when all is said and done, that the relationship would be more important that the blasted tattoo. Sigh!!

[katrina1980]

You'd think, when all is said and done, that the relationship would be more important that the blasted tattoo. Sigh!!

 

Exactly. More important to both of them.

[IAmFCA]

I was willing to accept what she said she was getting. What it ended up being was more than I can handle.

 

"I was willing to accept..." You found a way to look past it. So look past it, or break up.

 

The emotions in the middle are akin to whining. It wasn't your decision, it didn't turn out how you had thought, that's a bummer. Now what?

 

Hence this thread. I get it. I have new advice.

 

Look at the half sleeve. See it as an expression of her strength, her journey, her victories, her individuality, her struggle. Find HER in those images on her arm and you may find this easier.

[journeynow]

Ultimately, we each get to decide what a partnership means to us, what love means, etc., and act accordingly. I may think my partner means the same thing when they say they love me or care about me, I don't know if it is the same thing I mean when I use those terms. We each get to choose our own boundaries and red flags, and choose for ourselves what best serves us, our life, our growth.

 

This discussion, while about a partner's choice of tattoo, could also be about career, weight, diet, house style, days off, music, pets, etc.

 

If, in a relationship, we can approach each other in the spirit of collaboration, rather than expecting compromise, it may feel more giving and expanding overall.

[LaHermes]

No comparison Journey.

 

.....career, weight, diet, house style, days off, music, pets, etc.

 

Just me, but defacing one's skin just seems so gross to me. Can't stand tattoos. But they are all the rage, only problem is that they are so difficult to have removed (and no doubt costly).