jmann45 Posted August 1, 2017 Share Posted August 1, 2017 Hello my name is James and im from Texas, I am 24 years old, almost 25. i recently started dating this girl, everything about her seems perfect. Her outlook on relationships is very similar to mine. One thing is, that she dated some guy a few months ago and it didnt work out and she only saw him as a friend. She says that he is now one of her best friends. She is 20 years old and I am 24. Should I be worried? Or should I hold off and see how this plays out.. It is still very early in the relationship. Only been about a month. PS. they are both going to some upcoming events together, but she said that it has been planned well before she met me. Link to comment
Andrina Posted August 2, 2017 Share Posted August 2, 2017 It's up to you if you want to, or don't want to date someone who has male best friends and hangs out with them one-on-one. Each person has their own comfort levels and their own boundaries or lack of boundaries. As for me, my husband and I have a rule that we don't have close friends of the opposite sex. We have a group of friends that we get together with. To me, male/female close friendships have a different dynamic that I'm not comfortable with. She is young, so it is common at that age before people move into more serious relationships to have best friends of the opposite sex. The problem here is that he may have a crush on her, and she might like the ego boost, and if he likes her, he won't be supportive of her relationship with you. If that's the case, it's not healthy for her to remain friends with him. Nobody can tell you what to do. It's up to you if you'd rather not date a woman who does this, or if you accept her having a male best friend. I'd ask to meet him and maybe you'd feel better about it, or maybe you'd see if he's an enemy of the relationship you two have, and if that's the case, decide if you want to date a woman who allows that sort of toxicity against you. Let us know how it goes. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted August 2, 2017 Share Posted August 2, 2017 Forget her. Next thing you know you'll be one of her best friends after having a few dates and you'll be in competition for her time. Did she have sex with this "friend." Link to comment
JaggerJim Posted August 2, 2017 Share Posted August 2, 2017 The trouble is, if he still harbours feelings for her, and wants her back, it will always cause trouble. Unless he gets a girlfriend of his own, it will always feel like your both dating her. Link to comment
link14 Posted August 2, 2017 Share Posted August 2, 2017 just a straight question .. does the other guy know u exist ? Link to comment
jmann45 Posted August 2, 2017 Author Share Posted August 2, 2017 Is it appropriate to ask her if this specific guy has had sex with her? Because if he has, that would be where i drew the line. That is where i would take a step back and re evaluate where i stand. But i just dont know how to ask this question without looking like im very insecure. That question itself points out insecurity. I dont know how to bring it up. I feel like in a young females head, if a guy brings up questions like this, he is automatically considered very insecure. and is looked at differently in her eyes after that. So even if she answers by saying that they havent had sex, ill still have asked the question and ill be viewed in a certain light in her eyes. Link to comment
jmann45 Posted August 2, 2017 Author Share Posted August 2, 2017 just a straight question .. does the other guy know u exist ? Exactly, thats my next thing. Its been less than a month, and i havent told any of my friends about her either. But it matters since shes going to this event with him. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted August 2, 2017 Share Posted August 2, 2017 I can't speak for others, but unless there are children involved, I would steer clear of anyone who is still involved with an ex. JMO... Link to comment
jmann45 Posted August 2, 2017 Author Share Posted August 2, 2017 Is it appropriate to ask her if this specific guy has had sex with her? Because if he has, that would be where i drew the line. That is where i would take a step back and re evaluate where i stand. But i just dont know how to ask this question without looking like im very insecure. That question itself points out insecurity. I dont know how to bring it up. I feel like in a young females head, if a guy brings up questions like this, he is automatically considered very insecure. and is looked at differently in her eyes after that. So even if she answers by saying that they havent had sex, ill still have asked the question and ill be viewed in a certain light in her eyes. Link to comment
Starlight925 Posted August 2, 2017 Share Posted August 2, 2017 It doesn't matter if they've had sex or not. What matters is, is he interested in her for more than a friend? The problem with having exes as friends is that very rarely do two people break up completely mutually. In almost every case, one person wants the breakup more than the other, and the "dumpee" continues to have feelings. If the "dumper" keeps the dumpee around as a friend, then the dumpee continues to believe they still have a chance. Are you two exclusive? Have you had a "boyfriend/girlfriend" talk? My rule would be, if they are truly friends, then this guy would know about you, and you could all hang out together. If not, then that's troubling. Link to comment
jmann45 Posted August 2, 2017 Author Share Posted August 2, 2017 It doesn't matter if they've had sex or not. What matters is, is he interested in her for more than a friend? The problem with having exes as friends is that very rarely do two people break up completely mutually. In almost every case, one person wants the breakup more than the other, and the "dumpee" continues to have feelings. If the "dumper" keeps the dumpee around as a friend, then the dumpee continues to believe they still have a chance. Are you two exclusive? Have you had a "boyfriend/girlfriend" talk? My rule would be, if they are truly friends, then this guy would know about you, and you could all hang out together. If not, then that's troubling. No we have not had the boyfriend/girlfriend talk. I usually "talk" for a couple months before i have that talk with any girl. It gives me time to see any red flags and keeps my feelings out. We both did tell eachother that were not talking to, or going out on dates, with anyone else. She initiated that conversation.. Thats all. Does that make it okay for her to NOT tell this best friend about me? How do I get this info out of her is my main question.. should I just wait it out and see how everything plays out, or should I declare exclusivity (boyfriend/girlfriend talk) now. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted August 2, 2017 Share Posted August 2, 2017 Is this the same girl from a month ago who you found boring or a new girl? Link to comment
jmann45 Posted August 2, 2017 Author Share Posted August 2, 2017 Is this the same girl from a month ago who you found boring or a new girl? no.. different one Link to comment
Knight2001 Posted August 2, 2017 Share Posted August 2, 2017 close the door and move on. the only things on the horizon here are trouble and heartbreak. Link to comment
jmann45 Posted August 2, 2017 Author Share Posted August 2, 2017 I brought it up today and they have not had sex, and dated for a couple weeks. Until she realized that he wasnt over his ex. She then broke up with him, to which he was devastated. She said that they never really got along anyways. Also she said that she felt bad so she offered to be friends with him, to which he agreed. Since then, they have been really good friends. She says that she just doesnt see the 'relationship' features in him either. She also mentioned herself that she hasnt brought me up to him yet but was planning on doing it next time him and her hang out, which is in a few days. Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted August 3, 2017 Share Posted August 3, 2017 I brought it up today and they have not had sex, and dated for a couple weeks. Until she realized that he wasnt over his ex. She then broke up with him, to which he was devastated. She said that they never really got along anyways. Also she said that she felt bad so she offered to be friends with him, to which he agreed. Since then, they have been really good friends. She says that she just doesnt see the 'relationship' features in him either. She also mentioned herself that she hasnt brought me up to him yet but was planning on doing it next time him and her hang out, which is in a few days. And somehow they are now best friends? How does that work? If he was devastated after just a couple weeks of dating, you are very likely going to have a problem on your hands with this guy when he learns she's seeing someone else. This isn't someone who lets go easily. And she will stay friends with someone out of pity. Another red flag. I don't know OP, this friendship is concerning for a few reasons. She might not like him romantically, but I would bet any money he's still holding out hope that he can date her again and she apparently doesn't have firm boundaries. If she did, she wouldn't have stayed friends just because she felt bad for him. Link to comment
jmann45 Posted August 3, 2017 Author Share Posted August 3, 2017 I brought it up today and they have not had sex, and dated for a couple weeks. Until she realized that he wasnt over his ex. She then broke up with him, to which he was devastated. She said that they never really got along anyways. Also she said that she felt bad so she offered to be friends with him, to which he agreed. Since then, they have been really good friends. She says that she just doesnt see the 'relationship' features in him either. She also mentioned herself that she hasnt brought me up to him yet but was planning on doing it next time him and her hang out, which is in a few days. And somehow they are now best friends? How does that work? If he was devastated after just a couple weeks of dating, you are very likely going to have a problem on your hands with this guy when he learns she's seeing someone else. This isn't someone who lets go easily. And she will stay friends with someone out of pity. Another red flag. I don't know OP, this friendship is concerning for a few reasons. She might not like him romantically, but I would bet any money he's still holding out hope that he can date her again and she apparently doesn't have firm boundaries. If she did, she wouldn't have stayed friends just because she felt bad for him. I agree. Im planning on cutting it off. She planned us a date for this weekend, but she talked to me and said that she couldnt hang out that day. Because she offered "friend" to hang out that day after she had already planned it with me, and he accepted. I just said its cool. She asked me if i was free the next day or the day after that, I said that i would be pretty busy and we'll play it by ear. But just the fact that she put an ex before me.. thats a slap in the face. She explained that hes going on some trip and wont be back for a while, so she had to see him because they hadn't seen eachother for a long time. Thats no excuse in my books. As far as im concerned, its over. Thank you all for your advice. Now to just figure out how to cut it off without making it sound like it was because of "friend".. Link to comment
Starlight925 Posted August 3, 2017 Share Posted August 3, 2017 I agree. Im planning on cutting it off. She planned us a date for this weekend, but she talked to me and said that she couldnt hang out that day. Because she offered "friend" to hang out that day after she had already planned it with me, and he accepted. I just said its cool. She asked me if i was free the next day or the day after that, I said that i would be pretty busy and we'll play it by ear. But just the fact that she put an ex before me.. thats a slap in the face. She explained that hes going on some trip and wont be back for a while, so she had to see him because they hadn't seen eachother for a long time. Thats no excuse in my books. As far as im concerned, its over. Thank you all for your advice. Now to just figure out how to cut it off without making it sound like it was because of "friend".. I don't think it matters how it sounds. You just need to get away from her. This girl is bad news. And yes, it is because of her "friend". You wouldn't like it if she scheduled something with her girlfriend after you two had already scheduled something. She's at the very least rude and inconsiderate, and at the most, she's putting her "friend" ahead of you. Just call or text her right now and tell her she can have alllllllllll the time she needs with him, as you will not be seeing her anymore. Link to comment
jmann45 Posted August 3, 2017 Author Share Posted August 3, 2017 I don't think it matters how it sounds. You just need to get away from her. This girl is bad news. And yes, it is because of her "friend". You wouldn't like it if she scheduled something with her girlfriend after you two had already scheduled something. She's at the very least rude and inconsiderate, and at the most, she's putting her "friend" ahead of you. Just call or text her right now and tell her she can have alllllllllll the time she needs with him, as you will not be seeing her anymore. Thank you. Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted August 3, 2017 Share Posted August 3, 2017 You're right to consider this over. She's putting him before you, after making plans with you - she still likes this guy, in my opinion. I would let her go. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted August 3, 2017 Share Posted August 3, 2017 She cancelled plans with you to be with him. She refuses to tell him she's dating you. Yep, she's decided he's more important. Time to say bye. Link to comment
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