My boyfriend doesn't want to socialize with my friends...

[LaHermes]

I don't think you are pointing out his flaws constantly, OP. At least not from what you have written. And all we have here is the written word.

 

Good for your friends for not allowing him to be the centre of attention.

 

Btw not from me are you getting disapproval of his "behaviour". Merely drawing attention to certain points in your posts which stood out, for me.

[totojeto]

I don't think you are pointing out his flaws constantly, OP. At least not from what you have written. And all we have here is the written word.

 

Good for your friends for not allowing him to be the centre of attention.

 

Btw not from me are you getting disapproval of his "behaviour". Merely drawing attention to certain points in your posts which stood out, for me.

 

I find this very very helpful and truly appreciate your input. I don't think a friend would ever give me a blunt opinion, so sometime I am left guessing why I feel something is off.

As someone mention, my friends are going to tolerate him given he treats me well otherwise and he gets along with most of them just fine..

 

And so to me it comes down to what I can get out of this where I feel good about where we stand. He is fundamentally not going to change - again nothing in his life has shown him his personality is a hindrance (and here I am having a biased opinion).

I guess what I gather from this I'm not going to give him a slack when asking him to participate (which I do more often than not; I got to hold him to his promise).

 

Some people pointed out that it's ok for partners to have separate circles. I don't really mind that, but I will hold him to his promise and he needs to be on his best behavior knowing it's not his place to be the center of attention. He gets so defensive when I tell him, but we got to talk this out...

[LaHermes]

Toto:

 

And I agree it is most healthy for partners/spouses to have separate interests/pursuits/friends, and of course also to have joint interests and friends. It is hugely important that a couple don't live in each other's pockets, so to speak. And besides it is also quite normal that one partner's interests or hobbies might not be of interest to the other. However, I cannot see why a couple would not also meet up for events with each other's friends from time to time. We certainly do, and it is the most normal thing in the world.

 

But, then, that is not really the issue here at all.

[totojeto]

Toto:

 

And I agree it is most healthy for partners/spouses to have separate interests/pursuits/friends, and of course also to have joint interests and friends. It is hugely important that a couple don't live in each other's pockets, so to speak. And besides it is also quite normal that one partner's interests or hobbies might not be of interest to the other. However, I cannot see why a couple would not also meet up for events with each other's friends from time to time. We certainly do, and it is the most normal thing in the world.

 

But, then, that is not really the issue here at all.

 

Well to be honest... We do.. We have dinners with his friends, which I really enjoy (although might not end up best friends with, which I find totally normal). We've spent some weekends with his friends. He spent time with my family, etc... We often do dinners with my friends and he had fun, etc. So it's not like he is totally excluded from my social life and he has no healthy social circle on his own. That would be a gross exaggeration. But yeah... getting him to spend a day in Napa winetasting or something similar would be a struggle (it's just not his thing). And yeah, he definitely can voice an opinion or overtake a conversation..

[LaHermes]

Well, that's OK too. Napa is the place in California?

 

So it's OK if he doesn't go to a wine-tasting. Question of preference.

 

I cannot imagine anything worse than being asked to a stadium to sit through a football match LOL. Even with the best seats.

[totojeto]

Well, that's OK too. Napa is the place in California?

 

So it's OK if he doesn't go to a wine-tasting. Question of preference.

 

I cannot imagine anything worse than being asked to a stadium to sit through a football match LOL. Even with the best seats.

 

 

Yes, that's a good analogy (although I would totally do it for him if asked and I still would have fun, even if it's not my thing...) he is more stubborn... I guess my friends are not necessarily his cup of tea, so that's where there is somewhat of a friction. And because he has a strong personality, initially he just flatly refused to participate. He has toned down, so I guess I can see we are both trying to sort this out...

As a matter of fact, I know he really loved to hang out with his last ex's circle of friends (all PHDs). He said after they broke up he was more upset loosing her social circle than her (this was in no way offensive manner towards me). Dang, there are just so many angles to this... I am kind of getting confused whether this is a big issue or not..

[LaHermes]

Toto:

 

Analysis and examination of a situation is good. Keep going!

 

" Basically his whole career is based on calling strangers and getting them to catch/connect with him at some level.) Sometimes I think his interactions are repetitious (like a salesman),"

 

What you are describing is cold calling. Yes?

[ThatwasThen]

___

 

I really appreciate your input! I am glad you were able to work this out. It's interesting how some responses are a resolute disapprovals of his behavior and some are ok.

Maybe because those that disapprove haven't been with a man that is trying to compromise and so they've ended up leaving that person for their my way or the highway attitude? Maybe because they haven't bothered to stay with someone that doesn't do what they like (which they would find too incompatible?)

 

I would have left my guy too if he wasn't willing to at least meet me halfway. There is one friend of mine that he absolutely can't stand due to her very opinionated, and "Gloria Steinam" type personality. (She once went on and on and on one time [when we were driving her home] about a Billboard advertisement for Victoria Secret underwear about how it exploited women and demeaned them blah, blah, blah I finally told her to simmer down about it lol). Well that was the final straw and he wouldn't go anywhere with me where he knew she was going to be again. I don't even bother asking him to go... I just tell him my plans and he's cool with it.

 

Anyway... I stick by my original "yes" vote (with no malice in it at all It's not like he's not going anywhere with you and it's not like you can't stand his personality (or is it?... I'm beginning to wonder)

[totojeto]

Maybe because those that disapprove haven't been with a man that is trying to compromise and so they've ended up leaving that person for their my way or the highway attitude? Maybe because they haven't bothered to stay with someone that doesn't do what they like (which they would find too incompatible?)

 

I would have left my guy too if he wasn't willing to at least meet me halfway. There is one friend of mine that he absolutely can't stand due to her very opinionated, and "Gloria Steinam" type personality. (She once went on and on and on one time [when we were driving her home] about a Billboard advertisement for Victoria Secret underwear about how it exploited women and demeaned them blah, blah, blah I finally told her to simmer down about it lol). Well that was the final straw and he wouldn't go anywhere with me where he knew she was going to be again. I don't even bother asking him to go... I just tell him my plans and he's cool with it.

 

Anyway... I stick by my original "yes" vote (with no malice in it at all It's not like he's not going anywhere with you and it's not like you can't stand his personality (or is it?... I'm beginning to wonder)

 

I love this guy! And I think his personality is very compatible with mine. I am more of an introvert, so anytime we have a disagreement he would just not ruminate but face it full on (I would do otherwise). And we are having so much fun in so many other aspects of our lives!

 

But basically in the car, he would be the guy who would just shut her up somehow if he didn't like what she was saying (not necessarily in a rude manner, but in a way she might personally find offensive.) He would basically be the one saying out loud what the whole group is thinking. Although I can't recollect even one situation where he would intentionally offend someone. So yeah, sometime I can't stand his personality when we are in a social setting.... but no, in no means I would want us to break up over this!

[totojeto]

Toto:

 

Analysis and examination of a situation is good. Keep going!

 

" Basically his whole career is based on calling strangers and getting them to catch/connect with him at some level.) Sometimes I think his interactions are repetitious (like a salesman),"

 

What you are describing is cold calling. Yes?

 

His career started with cold calling (when he was young)... Now it's more like clients referrals, word of mouth, etc... He has to entertain people (fancy dinners, drinks...) Although I know at this point of life, he doesn't enjoy the drinking etc. He would prefer to be at home cooking, looking at his art, biking or traveling the world.. But he is a wall-street guy! He has survived years in a business where he has seen many of his colleagues to lose their jobs. It's cut-through and a quiet person would not still be in his position at his age. So the 'constant' 'being-heard and noticed' has definitely rubbed on him... I am coming to terms he is never be that boyfriend whom all your girlfriends love... I can't change that. But I know his intentions are never malicious. He just can sometime be so annoying socially! ooghs... but then, if it's the right group of people, everyone can have so much fun....

[ThatwasThen]

He would basically be the one saying out loud what the whole group is thinking.

... I say 'good on him.'

 

but then, if it's the right group of people, everyone can have so much fun....

Well, there ya go!

[LaHermes]

Anyhow, OP, as always it's "horses for courses".

 

He suits you and you suit him.

 

Mind you, you have heard the saying "still waters run deep". He isn't one of them.

 

I take it that your friends are not the intellectual types he gravitates towards?

[totojeto]

He would basically be the one saying out loud what the whole group is thinking.

... I say 'good on him.'

 

 

but then, if it's the right group of people, everyone can have so much fun.... Well, there ya go!

 

 

___

thank you!

[totojeto]

Anyhow, OP, as always it's "horses for courses".

 

He suits you and you suit him.

 

Mind you, you have heard the saying "still waters run deep". He isn't one of them.

 

I take it that your friends are not the intellectual types he gravitates towards?

___

 

No, they are not. they are not people I would otherwise see him making friends with... fortunately or unfortunately. It kind of goes both way (his friends and I).... this was helpful! At least I know better how to approach my battles with him...

[j.man]

___

 

No, they are not. they are not people I would otherwise see him making friends with... fortunately or unfortunately. It kind of goes both way (his friends and I).... this was helpful! At least I know better how to approach my battles with him...

And that's perfectly fine.

 

When I mentioned being more inclusive or being more compartmentalized, I was relating it to my own experience. My lady is by all means, in many ways, your typical gal. She likes brunch, Broadway plays, wine tastings, cronuts, venting about the most mundane crap in life, Gilmore Girls... cheese? I don't know. She's also one of the most sensible and down to earth people I know. Fact remains that she needs her fix of, for lack of a better term, "basic" ****. She knows for a damn fact I don't put pants on before 3:00pm on any given Sunday, so she's got other friends who provide her the fix she needs as far as that goes.

 

But I also happen to fulfill many needs and niches such friends don't provide. And most her friends lack the depth she has where she's all about the life she has with them but also that which she has with me while most her friends are the more typical pinky-out types. That makes most of them pretty much unbearable for me. But I respect her doing what she's gotta do and I appreciate her getting her fill with people who genuinely share certain interests rather than dragging me out to watch Shakespeare in the Park.

 

So, yeah. I'd say to relax a bit and enjoy a good thing.

[LaHermes]

Toto:

 

Being different from others is what makes us interesting. The important factor is having common ground at some point.

 

I am not, never was, a typical girl LOL. Probably has much to do with the fact that I have no sisters, so my brothers and their playmates would also have been mine, and almost all my cousins are male so holidays with them in a male environment. I am neither introvert nor extrovert. I enjoy time on my own, and equally I am sociable. It's all about balance IMO.

 

I don't do what are called girly days/nights out. Can't imagine anything more boring. I do meet up of course one to one, and not that frequently, with the few long-term friends from my school and college days.

I would say we are both very socially adept and at ease in most company. If, by chance, I/we hear someone coming out with rants about daft stuff , well we just pretend we don't hear them. You can quite expert at doing that lol.

 

I suppose it is all about keeping things in proportion.

[nutbrownhare]

It sounds as though he finds your social circle quite excruciating, and it is only with an almighty effort that he can engage with them at all. There are guys around who wouldn't have any problem with your friends, and his statement that

I have standards no one can live up to

is merely stating his own point of view.

 

This is a very personal thing; I can understand why someone might really enjoy playing tennis, but find the social scene around tennis clubs very uncomfortable, for example. He probably acts "oddly" because he's not able to summon the kind of small talk that's required in this kind of situation and is seeking to connect with people in his own way; it isn't theirs, and it will feel very forced for everyone.

 

He isn't looking to isolate you from your friends - which would be a huge red flag - and is happy for you to be sociable with whoever you like - as long as he doesn't have to. Your friends are important to you for all sorts of reasons; they fulfil your needs but are irrelevant to his.

 

You are not being overly demanding in a general sense. It's just that you're requesting something that this particular guy doesn't have to give without an almighty effort. Whether this remains a huge incompatibility is entirely up to you. I personally would let it go, enjoy the relationship, enjoy the relationships with my friends and accept that there's going to be very little overlap between the two. However, only you can decide which area of your life should take priority - if it's important to you that you are seen as a couple in what is effectively a replacement "family" (and there's nothing wrong with that!), your relationship with this guy isn't going to work. It's not that either of you is "right" or "wrong", it's just that you're not a fit in this particular area.

[ParisPaulette]

This is not something that I really see is the fault of either of you. You are just very different people. As once explained to me by a friend, an extrovert gains energy from being with people. An introvert gains energy and needs to recharge by being alone. And as is the case with people in general, people fall into all manner of spectrums of this from the person who can never be alone to the introvert who feels just talking to someone at the store when buying groceries has used up their tolerance for people in one week.

 

And are each of them wrong in that? I don't really think so unless a behavior becomes a serious issue in being able to live one's life comfortably.

 

But here you have what you have - your boyfriend isn't a really social person in the same way you are. And you need to face that and decide what is most important to you, because this is something you are bound to have seen going into the relationship to begin with. And it really is one of those, "Can I live with this and find a way around it/to make compromises on both ends or can't I?" And only you can answer that. But before you call it a night on the relationship, try and sit down with your boyfriend and find out more about what he feels and what would help him feel more comfortable in social situations. Maybe he does better in small gatherings, one on one. Maybe he can handle a crowd for an hour and then he needs to go out and clear his head then come back to the party. Maybe you need to have him there with you on X, Y or Z and otherwise you are fine by yourself.

 

These are things the two you have to face and if you can't come up with a plan together maybe couples counseling would help.

 

But I will tell you as someone who is an introvert married to an extroverted artist we have had to compromise. I will go to his gallery openings, which can be exhausting and overwhelming for me if I stay too long. So I don't. I stay for a bit then excuse myself, I run a ranch so the "I am used to getting up with the chickens and can't keep my eyes open past 9:00 p.m. works, usually." I schedule in day outings without him when we're off for a weekend. He lets me. We usually lay out a plan before we go on what is important for him that I be at, and what is important for me not to be at. And most of the time it works although yes we both have had to compromise and smile and wave when we didn't want to.

 

Still it's worth it to me to have him in my life and really that's where this is going. As to his oddness, there is nothing you can do about that but understand what is odd to you and your friends may well not be to others. Either accept him as is, if he's not being out and out rude or deliberately making people uncomfortable then he can't change who he is. And part of his discomfort may stem from things like that, but it's also up to your friends to hold their boundaries and redirect a conversation if it's making them uncomfortable too. Communication is a two-way street, so don't look at just their side of it, look at his too and make sure people aren't making issues out of things a simple, "Let's not talk about that, please" would have handled.

[totojeto]

 

But here you have what you have - your boyfriend isn't a really social person in the same way you are. And you need to face that and decide what is most important to you, because this is something you are bound to have seen going into the relationship to begin with. And it really is one of those, "Can I live with this and find a way around it/to make compromises on both ends or can't I?"

 

----

 

You know it's interesting this spectrum of extroverts and introverts. He is the person who has no qualms to talk to anyone and has the ability to connect with others really fast. I've seen it so many times when people would offer to exchange contacts within an initial conversation - voluntarily, just because they found something in comment the both sides would like to follow up on. Yet, I for sure know he would literally prefer to be at home cooking dinner. On the other hand it takes me forever to establish a relationship and I definitely am not the center of a party, yet I need 'social gatherings' to feel like my life is fulfilled. So I've been pondering how someone like him with such an outgoing personality prefers to be alone... His explanation is that he has to talk to people whole day at work and his age (he used to go out a lot in his 20th and 30th)...

 

But based on all of this I now strongly believe it comes down to what you have established. You get to know and acknowledge the other's personality traits and somehow learn to live with it.

 

Not to be offensive, but I find it interesting he lets you leave early from a gallery opening. I would find it offensive, and would call him up on it. Actually he has suggested something like that saying what if I just stay for a little bit and then I go home and you stay... I might give it some thought. Thank you!!

[totojeto]

It sounds as though he finds your social circle quite excruciating, and it is only with an almighty effort that he can engage with them at all. There are guys around who wouldn't have any problem with your friends, and his statement that is merely stating his own point of view.

 

This is a very personal thing; I can understand why someone might really enjoy playing tennis, but find the social scene around tennis clubs very uncomfortable, for example. He probably acts "oddly" because he's not able to summon the kind of small talk that's required in this kind of situation and is seeking to connect with people in his own way; it isn't theirs, and it will feel very forced for everyone.

 

He isn't looking to isolate you from your friends

____

 

Yep, very true. That is a good point. This makes sense to me... And yes, by no means he is trying to isolate me. I guess as long as my good friends know he is in my life and get to know him at some level, I will learn to live with that...

[LaHermes]

Toto:

 

I honestly do not have much time for this introvert/extrovert stuff, as being one or the other. I think everyone is a mixture of both.

 

I have an outgoing personality but I love to be alone at times, and in fact I can go for a day or two days and not even talk to anyone. We have the "social" face, the "work" face and then any other face you care to mention.

In a way we have to be actors in the work environment and to some extent in certain social settings. A formal social event is one thing; a social event among friends another, and at a congress/conference entirely another.

[totojeto]

appreciate her getting her fill with people who genuinely share certain interests rather than dragging me out to watch Shakespeare in the Park. "

 

I so am loving your perspective! Yeah, it sounds similar... I guess we've been fighting whether he should participate in "Shakespeare in the park..."-like activities. As you can probably relate, his whole core as a human being cringes at the mere thought of it, while I think one couldn't spend a Sunday in a more pleasant way... And I would see other guys enjoying it or following their significant others gladly (and perhaps that's where I've been getting stacked at as well). I got to accept he is just not that guy.. ... This has been hugely helpful... Thank you!!!

[abitbroken]

My guy drives a long way to work back and forth each day -- for the most part, he does *not* want to spend the weekend in the car antiquing, driving an hour to my sister's house to visit, etc. He is happy to go to my family's house for Christmas, etc, happy to see them when they come our way, etc, but does not like to spend his weekend driving around. its the same as your guy - his whole job is talking to people constantly - on the phone, in person, etc, and closing deals. When he comes home, he wants one on one time and quiet time - he doesn't want to be "on" - to come up with interesting conversation because that is what he does all day. So you go spend time with your friends and leave him home. Also, people who "perform" in sales, or on a stage sometimes are actually VERY introverted and what you see is a performance in their job.

 

If he is happy to spend time with your family and one one one with you - that's perfect. Maybe there is something couple-y that is lowkey like going to sit and watch fireworks, etc, that doesn't require him to be in formal dinner party mode, etc, and he'll be more keen to that.

 

Maybe there are people you BOTH want to be friends with.

[ParisPaulette]

Not to be offensive, but I find it interesting he lets you leave early from a gallery opening. I would find it offensive, and would call him up on it. Actually he has suggested something like that saying what if I just stay for a little bit and then I go home and you stay... I might give it some thought. Thank you!!

 

No offense taken. Neither of us sees any issue with it, but we also live in an area where lots of people have to get up early and no one really thinks anything of it. And it's kind of true. I own a small ranch, I'm up at 4:30 in the morning and usually rolling into my day job when others are just getting up. So I really cannot stay up that late and yeah, I get tired of people. My husband is a night owl, so he can stay out and stay up as long as he likes and I have no issue with it.

 

I'm like your ex in that I can talk to strangers fairly easily, I'll often make friends, but still at the end of the day I need my alone time. It really is what works for each of you and what compromises or working together to solve issues can you come up with that makes or breaks the whole issue.

 

My husband works with me on these things, but I have yes had other relationships that did not last, because the need for socializing and how we each did it was too different. So I'm aware I just lucked into the one guy who is able to match and work with me on our different social styles.

 

If the relationship is worth it then keep working on it together to solve it, and try to be understanding of each other when there are differences. And yes that takes work and talking and sure a few missteps along the way now and again, but still it's worth it. Good luck to you both.