His ex is in the mix

[Sarahsk]

My partner and I got back together 7 months ago after 3 painful months apart. Our relationship was great and finally on the right track.

 

When we broke up he got in contact with his ex from 4 years ago (his only long term relationship other than myself) and they met once for dinner. She was seeing someone else and had moved states.

 

It was an unsaid rule between us once we got back together that there would be no threatening third party in our relationship due to a painful history filled with jealousy and cheating, so i figured that once he had met her, that chapter had finally closed, he knew she was doing well and i was ok with her being on his fb etc as long as it was just that.

 

6 days ago i stumbled upon the information that for the 7 months we've been together he's been in contact with her behind my back. He agreed to see her for dinner 2 nights ago when she was in town. He was messaging her late at night when i walked downstairs and his phone went off.

 

She doesnt know hes in a relationship or has a gf. He hasnt told her becausr it would hurt her.

 

For the past 6 days im in agony. I feel betrayed. I did what i could to make it a successful relationship this time around. He didnt even tell her i exist! He says she means nothing and a part of me believes that but why did he do this? He knew i would react badly, thats why he hid it from me. Smsing was fine but to agree to meet with her behind my back?! We have been trying to buy a house together and i was going to be the major investor. Now i feel that hes only going to waste my time and money. Hes cheated on me before and promises marriage but has not delivered. Im a surgeon and have a son. I have lots to lose by investing in this guy. Hes such a nice guy but so weak!! Why is he so weak. I am tall, athletic and attractive (thats partly why he gets jealous and so I am very careful to avoid threatening men in my life). Why would he do this? She has a long history with us. I cant have her in my life and she will be furious if she knew its me hes dating. She was jealous of us working together long before they broke up and him and i ever dated.

 

What do i do? Im so hurt.

[jennylove]

Seems pretty deceptive. I think you know what to do. Frankly, I think it's time to pull the plug. He wants to Secretly meet her out and have these texts messages and Lord know what else...fine...let him have her. C ya. Your loss, buddy.

[Andrina]

He's not on the same page as you as far as boundaries go. He cheated on you, so doesn't this show his poor ethics? If you don't know what to do at this point, you need some serious therapy to work on your self worth. Who you choose as a partner is what you think of yourself.

[Rustysuit]

I can relate a bit since I have an ex who just can't let me go and always seeks me out for support even though she's engaged and whatever.

 

What I make clear to myself and her is that we're just friends. We don't go out for dinners and , but that's because we live 300km away from each other, but if we lived close we would, because we're very good friends. Now, I know FOR SURE, if I wanted something to happen, it would, but I believe myself a man of honour and valor, and she knows this, that's why we never had anything else in our 10 years apart (we had a teenager thing and nothing since). When she starts getting all emotional with me, I put the brakes on and I repeat whatever it is I need and say "'you're just a friend to me and I'd like to keep it that way".

 

Before you do anything drastic, TALK to him. I can't stress this enough. TALK to him and see where he stands. Maybe he just doesn't want to hurt your feelings and has a very good friend in his ex that might be expecting something out of him (hence why he didn't say anything about you). Maybe he wants to see if you two are "for real" this time before saying anything to his ex, since they got close.

 

Anyway, it's not a clear cut case of cheating or emotionally cheating.

 

Confront him, state your fears, establish your boundaries and WORK it out.

 

Don't blindly take advice from this site "dump him" because sometimes it's more complicated than that.

[Sarahsk]

I can relate a bit since I have an ex who just can't let me go and always seeks me out for support even though she's engaged and whatever.

 

What I make clear to myself and her is that we're just friends. We don't go out for dinners and , but that's because we live 300km away from each other, but if we lived close we would, because we're very good friends. Now, I know FOR SURE, if I wanted something to happen, it would, but I believe myself a man of honour and valor, and she knows this, that's why we never had anything else in our 10 years apart (we had a teenager thing and nothing since). When she starts getting all emotional with me, I put the brakes on and I repeat whatever it is I need and say "'you're just a friend to me and I'd like to keep it that way".

 

Before you do anything drastic, TALK to him. I can't stress this enough. TALK to him and see where he stands. Maybe he just doesn't want to hurt your feelings and has a very good friend in his ex that might be expecting something out of him (hence why he didn't say anything about you). Maybe he wants to see if you two are "for real" this time before saying anything to his ex, since they got close.

 

Anyway, it's not a clear cut case of cheating or emotionally cheating.

 

Confront him, state your fears, establish your boundaries and WORK it out.

 

Don't blindly take advice from this site "dump him" because sometimes it's more complicated than that.

 

I appreciate your response. It struck a chord with me.

 

I know he fears that I may be the stronger player in the relationship whereas in his previous relationship she was completely dependant on him for her needs.

 

I'm not ready to leave him but my worry is his instability. When does it stop ? You are strong enough to say no, but I just don't know that he is.

 

They are not close as per his statements. She was his close friend on the past and he just wanted to remain friends. He says he's neither physically nor emotionally attracted to her.

 

What bothers me is that he takes risks in this relationship that could cost us everything. Why? She means nothing to him and I mean everything. Yet she doesn't know I exist and he was quietly making gym and dinner meetings with her.

 

Even after our big argument where i asked him to tell her he has a gf, he was less than forthcoming......he said *sorry cant make it tonight, im seeing a girl*. That statement gives no indication of him being in a serious no-going-back relationship

[Clio]

He has cheated on you, never delivered on his promise to marry you and messaged an ex behind your back deceiving both you and her. You are a surgeon. You are smart. How is entering any joint financial venture with him a good idea? If you want marriage, sadly, this doesn't sound like the right man for you.

[Starlight925]

She doesnt know hes in a relationship or has a gf. He hasnt told her because it would hurt her.

 

Seriously????? Are you f-ing kidding me????? He won't tell her about you, to protect her????

 

Be so done with him.

 

You sound extremely smart and beautiful. You can do so much better.

[shessofly]

The whole reconciliation was a farce (on his side at least). Sorry, but I don't see any chance of a healthy relationship given your history and the current situation. He is not committed to you. Believe you and your son deserve better. This isn't about being a nice, weak guy (this sounds like an excuse), this is about a serious flaw in his character. He's more worried about hurting her (really bad lie btw) than he is about regaining your trust and ensuring you are not hurt. What does that say to you?

[catfeeder]

What caused your breakup, and who initiated that?

[MissCanuck]

OP, it's time for you to admit to yourself that your relationship is done:

 

He's cheated before. He's being deceptive again. He hasn't changed; he's just apparently gotten a little sneakier about it. He's still got it in him to betray you.

 

He's not The One. Stop wasting your time with him.

[Rustysuit]

Tell him to go straight or go home.

 

There's a million reasons he might be stringing this girl along for the ride, but what matters is you.

 

I wouldn't dump him out of the blue without a chance for him to prove yourself to you, but I agree that if he keeps this going, you'll have no choice but to end matters yourself

[WaitTilMarch]

My partner and I got back together 7 months ago after 3 painful months apart. Our relationship was great and finally on the right track.

 

She doesnt know hes in a relationship or has a gf. He hasnt told her becausr it would hurt her.

 

 

 

Ok, you can look at my history and know I'm not just someone who says move on to everyone, but this seems like such a read flag. If he cared about her, he'd tell her the truth and never make it ambiguous so she could keep her hopes up. I sense he gets an ego boost to have two women after him and never really give either one the truth. It probably makes him feel very in control. I won't tell you what to do, but it does not look good at all.