Is this cheating?

[Chocolate1999]

Me and this guy have known each other for 3 years and recently just decided to start seeing each other. It's been 3 weeks and we decided since I'm meeting his parents this weekend to be a thing after that. But I was just on the phone to this guy that I have an on and off friendship thing with, there's somebody sexual tension there and a call to talk about his feelings for me ended up as phone sex an hour later. I feel guilty but this isn't cheating is it, since we aren't a thing? I'm still classed as single, I just want to make sure so I can shrug it off.

[MissCanuck]

It's not technically cheating, but why even engage in it when you're seeing someone else?

 

For what it's worth, I think 3 weeks is far too soon to be meeting someone's parents. Are you sure you're ready to commit like that so quickly?

[glitterfingers]

I think when it gets to the point where you have to ask yourself if it's cheating because exclusivity is a grey area, whether or not it's actually cheating is not the problem. The problem is that you're not THAT interested in the guy you're seeing because you're clearly still happy to be fooling around with other people. If/when you're serious about someone, that doesn't really happen (at least not in the early stages where things are supposed to feel special and new). I think it's important to acknowledge how you really feel about this guy so that you don't lead him to think that you're more interested than you actually are...hard to know whether he's still ok with seeing other people himself, or whether he has some degree of assumed exclusivity. I think I'd delay becoming an "item" until you've thought this through a little more clearly

[Capricorn3]

I agree with both posts above. It seems you're feeling guilty. Like you know you are doing something wrong, that's why you ask the question. If you're on the verge of being an item with someone else, and messing around with phone sex with another person, what does that tell YOU?

[Jibralta]

Yes, good point. If you're still fooling around with other people, you're not ready for a commitment. Chocolate is trying to get off (excuse the pun) on a technicality, but s/he is putting the cart before the horse: There's no room for commitment if you can't commit.

[nutbrownhare]

It all depends on what you mean by cheating. If your feeling is that it only applies to penetrative sex, then obviously you weren't cheating. On the other hand, if it also includes sexual activity that you'd want to hide from the guy you're seeing...

 

It does sound as though you're leading this guy on, though. If you're really into someone, regardless of the label, having phone sex with someone else doesn't really enter the picture. How would you feel if your new guy did the same?

[Knight2001]

hi.

i dont think there's any question that this is cheating.

just to clarify, why not ask the guy you're seeing? that's should make it very clear.

how would you feel if you knew he had had phone sex with someone?

i agree with another poster, are you sure you're ready to commit?

[Sportster2005]

Me and this guy have known each other for 3 years and recently just decided to start seeing each other. It's been 3 weeks and we decided since I'm meeting his parents this weekend to be a thing after that. But I was just on the phone to this guy that I have an on and off friendship thing with, there's somebody sexual tension there and a call to talk about his feelings for me ended up as phone sex an hour later. I feel guilty but this isn't cheating is it, since we aren't a thing? I'm still classed as single, I just want to make sure so I can shrug it off.

 

People will argue this one.

 

If it were me, I would dump you faster than the speed of light.

[Cope]

Like most already told you, whether it's cheating or not should not concern you. The fact that you are heading into a committed relationship and you did it shows that you are not really ready for a commitment,now are you? Unless you are into polyamorous relationships etc.

 

Why did you do it?

[yatsue]

How about hold off on making a commitment to this guy. Clearly, you aren't ready. I wouldn't tell him about this incident, but let him know this is going too fast for you and you would like to take some time to get to know each other first before putting on a label. Slow down. 3 weeks is way too soon.

 

What you do before you commit is not his business. While not classy, you are a free agent. Make sure to state that clear to him and that he is free to do what he wants before committing as well, especially if you think you'll be doing things with other guys.

 

I always assume guys I date are in some way involved with other women until we both declare we're in a committed relationship, even though I may not do that to them. Sometimes, either end also needs to sever or clear up ties completely with the opposite sex during this time. For example, those you are friends with who are interested in you, FWB's, ex's, etc. Seems like you definitely need to do this. Make it clear to these people you're going to commit to someone and say goodbye, if needed.

[IAmFCA]

Not cheating. Not anybody else's business.

 

If you aren't comfortable or proud of it, then don't do it again. Sometimes we find our limits by crossing them.

 

Because you are about to take big steps: please read internet about styles of attachment, especially avoidant. Intimacy avoidance may be relevant to you. The exploration of attachment theory may help you consider what behaviors support a relationship and which undermine a relationship. Your goal is to clarify how you want to manage yourself and to understand why.

 

The most powerful and reliable way to support a relationship is to know what version of you you would like to gift to the other person. Strive to be that gift.