Girlfriend planning to have gay friend sleep next to her in same bed

[Wanderboy]

So my girlfriend is planning on having her friends over for a party in the next month or so and she does have limited sleeping space. Nothing about bringing an air mattress or any other arrangements were not mentioned. What was said to me was that her gay male friend would be the one sharing her bed that night. It was just casually mentioned without asking if I was okay with it, so this seems to be the plan.

 

It honestly makes me feel disrespected and upset that it wasn't thought of to ask me about this in any capacity. Even if he is gay, it still makes me uncomfortable to have another man share a bed with her. I find it very intimate and should be something reserved for significant others and close family members. There's the other fact that they used to "date" in middle school before he came out, but I have no way of knowing if he's bi at all. Which I don't think that should be the issue. I think regardless of orientation that it's still inappropriate. She has mentioned that her ex did not like this guy either because they used to do the same thing it seems while they were dating.

 

I don't think she would actually cheat on me with him or anyone, but I just don't understand how I'm supposed to accept this. I'm going to talk to her about this before the party were to take place, but I wanted to make sure that what I'm feeling isn't too crazy or that i'm being overly jealous. I just don't think she would tolerate something like this if the roles were reversed and I planned to have a girl sleep in my bed and pull me close and have her arms around me while we slept next to each other all night.

[mustlovedogs]

Would you be ok with her sharing the bed with a female friend?

[Krankor]

Am I missing something? Where was it said that they'd be cuddling all night?

 

Dude...he's gay. Unless you think it's all a big act he's not going to suddenly get a case of the straights sleeping next to your girlfriend.

[Wanderboy]

I think I would be more ok with it, but it would still be a bit weird. I just don't see why it needs to happen in the first place.

[Wanderboy]

Am I missing something? Where was it said that they'd be cuddling all night?

 

Dude...he's gay. Unless you think it's all a big act he's not going to suddenly get a case of the straights sleeping next to your girlfriend.

 

The main issue isn't that I think they're going to end up banging if the sleep next to each other.. I just don't understand why him being gay gives him pass to do this. That and as I mentioned it isn't known if he's 100% straight and hell I've know quite a few gay guys that will fool around with women from time to time.

[rosephase]

If you trust her why does it matter who she sleeps next too? If you don't think she'll cheat what are you getting upset about? Is it just you want to feel like you have control over certain aspects of her life/body/space?

[Wanderboy]

I don't need to feel like I have control over her, it's about boundaries. We're not in an open or monogamish relationship, so I feel that cuddling is very intimate and that most other people do. There are things friends do and things significant others do and I think this crosses that boundary. I've never known anyone that does things of this nature while they are in a relationship.

[mustlovedogs]

I think I would be more ok with it, but it would still be a bit weird. I just don't see why it needs to happen in the first place.

 

So, she can sleep with a female friend.

 

I take it you're ok with your girlfriend hooking up with her female friends? Everyone knows that sexuality magically changes if there's a warm body next to you.

 

Oh, wait... does that sound absurd? She won't have sex with a female friend?

 

Then why would she have sex with a gay friend?

[abitbroken]

Its a little odd that out of all the friends coming, she has already planned for the gay dude to sleep with her. Usually you don't think that far about who is sleeping where - you usually count the sleeping spaces. And btw, you are not invited?

 

Heck nope.

He needs an air mattress or the sofa.

I don't care if the guy is gay, bi, straight - she has a boyfriend and should not be sharing her bed and spooning with another dude whether he gets a rise out of it or not. And if its a party and she doesn't plan on them going home - they'll probably be drunk.

 

If she said "i am having a party - these people are coming - i can share my bed and i have a sofa - what do you think i should do?" that would be different.

 

Honestly, if my brother said "i am sharing my bed with my lesbian friend" would I expect his wife to be okay with that?

 

I think that she should be in her bed alone - or give her bed up for a couple that is coming over and sleep on the sofa.

[Krankor]

I don't need to feel like I have control over her, it's about boundaries. We're not in an open or monogamish relationship, so I feel that cuddling is very intimate and that most other people do. There are things friends do and things significant others do and I think this crosses that boundary. I've never known anyone that does things of this nature while they are in a relationship.

Well, I still don't know why you assume that they will be cuddling and not just sleeping back to back. Did they say they'd be cuddling?

 

Look, it's sometimes tough to know where the line between jealous and controlling and reasonable boundaries lies when it comes to relationships. If this crosses your boundaries then so be it. I guess I don't know why he can't sleep somewhere else either, other than that this is apparently something they've done before and both think is perfectly fine. Tell her that she is free to do what she wants but that she needs to know that this crosses the line for you. Then see what she chooses to do with that info.

[Wanderboy]

So, she can sleep with a female friend.

 

I take it you're ok with your girlfriend hooking up with her female friends? Everyone knows that sexuality magically changes if there's a warm body next to you.

 

Oh, wait... does that sound absurd? She won't have sex with a female friend?

 

Then why would she have sex with a gay friend?

 

I'm not okay with her hooking up with anyone, regardless of gender. She isn't exactly straight either.. I'm not saying that she's automatically going to have sex with her gay friend if they sleep next to each other. Is it something you'd be comfortable with if your S/O wanted to do this? I don't think i'm alone in saying that most people would not be comfortable with it to say the least. Do you regularly invite a friend to your bed for the night?

[abitbroken]

So, she can sleep with a female friend.

 

I take it you're ok with your girlfriend hooking up with her female friends? Everyone knows that sexuality magically changes if there's a warm body next to you.

 

Oh, wait... does that sound absurd? She won't have sex with a female friend?

 

Then why would she have sex with a gay friend?

 

I had gay male friends in college who would go up to women and fondle them and be like "Tee-hee it does nothing for me!" I actually decked a guy for trying that with me. It doesn't matter if the guy is gay. She is still a straight woman and that's a male body next to her and if she is in a monogamous relationship, its off limits to me, as well as sleeping with a lesbian friend. If she is undressing in his presence - it doesn't matter if he gets aroused by it or not. Its the fact of doing it and being out of the bounds of your relationship.

 

It is not controling to have a problem with a girlfriend/boyfriend sharing a bed or possibly undressing in the presence of someone else in an intimate or drunk manner.

 

So - you have stated your opinion that you are not okay with this and its up to her to decide what to do next. If its not acceptible to you what her action is - then maybe you need to review the relationship.

[rosephase]

I don't need to feel like I have control over her, it's about boundaries. We're not in an open or monogamish relationship, so I feel that cuddling is very intimate and that most other people do. There are things friends do and things significant others do and I think this crosses that boundary. I've never known anyone that does things of this nature while they are in a relationship.

 

And your girlfriend disagrees. She disagrees to such an extent that it didn't occur to her to check in with you about it. Just because what you feel is normal or proper or expected in relationships doesn't mean it's a universal agreement.

[itsallgrand]

You aren't crazy. It is a difference in boundaries. It's not about sex or gender or sexual orientation , it's about emotional and physical intimacy with friends right? Or anyone who isn't an SO or family.

[mustlovedogs]

I'm saying it's ok he feels this way, but it's hypocritical to say she can sleep with female friends.

[Wanderboy]

And your girlfriend disagrees. She disagrees to such an extent that it didn't occur to her to check in with you about it. Just because what you feel is normal or proper or expected in relationships doesn't mean it's a universal agreement.

 

Well that's a pretty slippery slope and again it takes an actual conversation to know each others expectations. I think whilst being a monogamist relationship that it would be pretty normal to some degree. You can't, for example, just have sex with someone else and say you didn't know you weren't expected not to because you didn't specifically discuss it. I'm not attempting to dictate to the world based on my feelings, nor am I expecting someone else to just automatically know my every need and boundary. I'm not presenting her with an ultimatum or forcing her to do anything. I wanted to check in and see another view other than my own and if anyone has really been in a situation like this before.

[wom360]

Are you not going to this party?

[Wanderboy]

I'm saying it's ok he feels this way, but it's hypocritical to say she can sleep with female friends.

 

I never said I was 100% on board with that either.

[Wanderboy]

Are you not going to this party?

 

It's mainly going to be a party for her and her friends but I'm invited to stop by for awhile. This mainly came up because of the lack of sleeping arrangements so I wasn't exactly invited to spend the night. It's more of a sleepover for her and her friends.

[itsallgrand]

I'm wondering if it's just with this one friend she's like this with, or is it her general roll?

Her mentioning an ex having a problem with their relationship makes me wonder if they don't just share one of those 'buddy' relationships that blurs into bf/ gf surrogate in some areas.

[Wanderboy]

I'm wondering if it's just with this one friend she's like this with, or is it her general roll?

Her mentioning an ex having a problem with their relationship makes me wonder if they don't just share one of those 'buddy' relationships that blurs into bf/ gf surrogate in some areas.

 

Seems to be just him. This is the first time anything like this has really come up. He lives hours away and I've only met him once in person. It seems like that could have been the case previously when he lived closer. Though I could see why, the guy truly treated her like garbage.

[LaHermes]

I am so reminded of "As good as it gets" L.

 

I am with Mustlikedogs on this one.

 

Either the guy is gay or he isn't gay.

 

I have shared a bed on one or two occasions (lack of space in someone's house) with a woman (both of us hetero). What IS the problem here?!

[RainyCoast]

i think the issue is she frequently chooses to share a bed with a specific male.

 

that both of them may be "open" to finding out their actual sexual preferences (she said it, he used to date women-her).

 

that lack of space seems a poor excuse, seeing as there will be other people present, with whom a different sleeping arrangement could be agreed upon (like someone mentioned, two people on her bed, her on a sofa, air mattresses, sleeping bags etc), and that she has done it often, with this particular male. is she always out of sleeping space? then she really would be wiser to increase it.

 

i have known plenty of straight women determined to un-gay my gay male friends, one of the gay males was particularly desired. although he claimed he probably wasn't bi (dated a woman in the past and said it wasn't his thing, frequently dated boys), he enjoyed and encouraged the girl's advances very much. eventually married one of them, and they now have a son. about this sudden change of orientation, he says "it just happened".

 

there seems to be a variety of alternative solutions. it's not like they're trapped in the Himalayas in a single sleeping bag. but she choosing this one option, frequently, so....................................... what she's getting out of this must be very pleasant/rewarding for her.

 

 

not sure i'd try to find a middle ground here. rather, i would re-evaluate compatibility, as her sense of boundaries is completely different from yours. if you don't trust her motives (whether they are conscious or not), that doesn't bode well either.

[RainyCoast]

and why does she have such a strong need for dependence on an ex anyway?

 

or is it okay for us to perpetuate that, as long as the exs orientation has changed? her need to be hanging on him hasn't changed, by the sounds of it.

 

i just tried to imagine myself in a new relationship and my partner saying he's sharing a bed with his ex tonight but no sweat cause she's into girls now anyway. she can just take my side of the bed then, bye.

[mustlovedogs]

@RainyCoast, they "used to date" as in middle school. That hardly counts as dating, IMO.