Girlfriend planning to have gay friend sleep next to her in same bed

[nutbrownhare]

To me, it's not just the fact she'll be sleeping with another guy (where, frankly, there probably won't be anything physical going on), but that you've been partly excluded from the whole thing, OP.

 

This is horribly disrespectful to both you and your relationship as a whole. The fact that she behaved like this with an ex who wouldn't tolerate it either suggests that it's a way of keeping her partner at a distance - giving them a message that their feelings are of no consequence.

 

I'd be seriously re-evaluating this relationship. She's entitled to sleep with whoever she likes; you're not obliged to hang around while she does.

[j.man]

I don't know. Personally, I can maybe understand not being invited to stay the night. Depends on the dynamic. While neither my lady nor any of my gay relatives and friends are the types who'd have any interest in a "gurls 'n gay boyz slumber party" and thus I can't even vicariously relate, I do understand that kind of thing exists. It could be less about kicking him out at 9:00pm just because and more about an ill effort to placate him by inviting him to attend for any amount of time to a party he's likely not a fit for at all.

 

Again, not a full-on defense of the girlfriend here, just noting I think the bed thing is enough of a battle to pick.

[Rezie]

I don't see sleeping as an intimate act. It's just sleep. Bringing up that a friend sleeps next to me in bed wouldn't even occur to me. Or letting my boyfriend know that I slept in between 2 guys when I went camping for my hobby. The best thing about.this forum is understanding how.differently people view appropriateness in relationships.

 

I don't understand why boyfriend should be invited to the party if others are not bringing their significant others. It changes the whole dynamic and the purpose of the night. If me and my best friends are having a night in I wouldn't want my friends boyfriend there. Well usually they are not there. Or if they live in the flat they are out for the evening. Comes home late. Says hello and goes.to.the bedroom with a laptop and doesnt make noise. That's just how it works. It's like inviting your girlfriend for guys fishing trip. It would end up making everyone miserable.

[abitbroken]

I don't see sleeping as an intimate act. If I have a friend over they will sleep with me on the bed. There is no cuddling or touching or anything inappropriate. When I go camping (part of my hobby) I do sleep in mixed tents. The thought of letting my bf know has not even crossed my mind.

 

I don't understand why boyfriend should be invited to the party if others are not bringing their significant others. It changes the whole dynamic and the purpose of the night. If me and my best friends are having a night in I wouldn't want my friends boyfriend there. Well usually they are not there. Or if they live in the flat they are out for the evening. Comes home late. Says hello and goes.to.the bedroom with a laptop and doesnt make noise. That's just how it works. It's like inviting your girlfriend for guys fishing trip. It would end up making everyone miserable.

 

Camping and having 8 other people sleeping in close quarters by necessity is completely different than "You can't stay over.....my guy friend is going to share the bed with me" AND its not a one time occurrence (she had problems in her last relationship because she shared a bed with the same guy). With camping, you just all throw your sleeping bags down and its not the week before ahead of time saying "Me and this guy already decided we are going to share a sleeping bag.

 

If they found themselves stranded in the alps - sure, no problem with sharing. But this whole preplan of him sharing her bed, etc, is really crappy boundaries in my opinion. She already has an idea that its not cool if her last boyfriend had an issue with it.

 

As far as the invite - if she had a girls night or cousins night or whatever - i can see where he wouldn't be invited but she'd meet up with him the next day - but to INVITE him to come and tell him he cannot stay because she is sharing her bed with another dude is out of line. Sorry. No correlation to what you are talking about here

[faraday]

I don't really get the conspiracy theories about secret feelings and ulterior motives...but whatever floats your boats.

 

I posed this question to my husband...he said it would be fine if I shared a bed with one of my gay friends. He said he trusted me. He'd like to meet the friend beforehand...but he wouldn't care. If the situation was reversed...I'd feel the same. He can share a bed with any lesbian that will share a bed with him ha.

 

I guess for me, all of my gay friends are like, "eeeewwww vaginas are gross!" And my lesbian friends think penises are disgusting and "why would you ever want to touch one of those?" So...I don't view my friends sexuality on a sliding scale.

 

Even if my husband was going to be somewhere (and I wasn't there) with limited bed spaces...I wouldn't care if he shared a bed with a straight chick...even if she was hot. He might have a hard on the entire night, but I know he'd never cheat on me.

 

You either trust your partner or you don't. This is about boundaries...but not the boundaries you guys think

[LaHermes]

Thanks for that Faraday. Very sensible post.

 

I agree.

 

I don't really get the conspiracy theories about secret feelings and ulterior motives...but whatever floats your boats.

[mustlovedogs]

I agree with Rezie. To me, sleeping is not intimate either (which is why I would be ok with this dynamic). In fact, I actively try and suck intimacy from sleeping ... for instance, one of my first purchases when I get a job will be a king sized bed. Because I hate cuddling/spooning/touching in any capacity when I'm sleeping. You go over there, I'm over here, leave me alone.

[TheRawTruth]

The main issue isn't that I think they're going to end up banging if the sleep next to each other.. I just don't understand why him being gay gives him pass to do this. That and as I mentioned it isn't known if he's 100% straight and hell I've know quite a few gay guys that will fool around with women from time to time.

 

But if you JUST SAID you don't think she'd cheat on you with him or ANYONE, who CARES what "other gay men would do"? Unless you think he will come onto her and she will GO for it, you're worrying about nothing.

 

On the OTHER hand, I DON'T understand why HE has to be the one sleeping in her bed instead of a female friend. Especially if it makes you uncomfortable. Talk to her (don't argue) and find out.