LaHermes Posted May 20, 2017 Share Posted May 20, 2017 I see. Well, my few gay male friends all I know is I could dance in the nude before them and it would take no effect, except they might doubt my sanity lol. So, if he IS truly gay .....well, that seems to be the question here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jibralta Posted May 20, 2017 Share Posted May 20, 2017 it takes an actual conversation to know each others expectations. See, that's a good point. Have you spoken to her about how you feel? Because that's the tack you need to take. Polling the internet for opinions that support yours isn't going to help you--unless you aim to win an argument by proving her wrong, which is not a good move in any relationship. As you can see from the responses here, there are a lot of different opinions about the situation. Your girlfriend is entitled to her opinion as well (as are you). Can you work with her values? Can she work with your values? That's what makes or breaks a relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RainyCoast Posted May 20, 2017 Share Posted May 20, 2017 and they're 57 now? whatever. i don't think most people take every chance they get to be bed mates with a specific person unless it is really important to them for some reason. i'm with OP on this one. but, it is what she has insisted on doing since before she met him, so i wouldn't even bring it up or ask for change. i'd just date ppl who don't have this habit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RainyCoast Posted May 20, 2017 Share Posted May 20, 2017 op lemme get this straight. she had an a-hole boyfriend and sought out this guy for support and shared his bed, because poor her with the jerk who treats her bad?? every i'm taken but unhappy hoe ever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
j.man Posted May 20, 2017 Share Posted May 20, 2017 Her mentioning an ex having a problem with their relationship makes me wonder if they don't just share one of those 'buddy' relationships that blurs into bf/ gf surrogate in some areas.This stands out to me as well, coupled with her having played his beard in high school. I'd very strongly hesitate to simply lump any friendships between women and gay men with any friendship she might have with another woman. While it's pretty anecdotal as I've seemingly throughout life subconsciously surrounded myself with folks who happen to be gay, I've never seen women treat a girl friend quite like a surrogate / sexless boyfriend before, or certainly not in such frequency. And that's not to say I haven't seen plenty more who do in fact treat an attractive gay friend as platonically as they would anyone else, but simply that it's significant enough a subculture where the OP shouldn't feel bad about reflecting on what implications there may be regarding boundaries. Speaking personally, if I knew the dude didn't fit the boob-grabber archetype and my girlfriend wasn't the type to use Will & Grace as a template, I probably wouldn't care. I'll also say I don't find it inherently hypocritical, or at least not moreso than most anyone else, if he'd be more OK with her sleeping with a female friend. If her friend were straight, even if they had as little attraction to each other as between her and any girl friend or gay friend of hers, I'm sure many of us would have a much different tone. Now where I'll ultimately fall in line with the people criticizing the OP is him her disrespectful or debating whether to, in any way, attempt to control her. For all we know, they could legit find spooning each other to be gross and sleep a foot apart wearing full-on footie pajamas. I don't think you're wrong to be concerned about boundaries, but at this point, it's 100% on you to evaluate whether you can be comfortable in a relationship where your girlfriend doesn't have an issue sharing another bed with this guy. She's already shown she's willing to choose her friendship dynamic over a previous boyfriend, which is well her right, so I'd consider it best for both of you to save your breath. She's a grown woman who's going to do what she wants to do, approved of or not. In your shoes, I'd let it happen without drama. Try to put it behind you and have fun when she gets back. There's a chance you may find yourself not even caring afterward. But, if you do end up resenting her, don't take it out on her and chalk it up to differing boundaries, electing not to waste her or your time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted May 20, 2017 Share Posted May 20, 2017 And your girlfriend disagrees. She disagrees to such an extent that it didn't occur to her to check in with you about it. Just because what you feel is normal or proper or expected in relationships doesn't mean it's a universal agreement. Actually, when I think of a monogamous not open relationship, I think that its pretty universal that the couple doesn't invite others into their beds. It's mainly going to be a party for her and her friends but I'm invited to stop by for awhile. This mainly came up because of the lack of sleeping arrangements so I wasn't exactly invited to spend the night. It's more of a sleepover for her and her friends. Seriously?? You are her boyfriend and if you already sleep together - the logical place for you to sleep is in her bed with her. That would be a no brainer! Its not like her parents are staying over, she is giving up her bed for them and it would not be appropriate for you to sleep next to her out of respect for her folks. If the *only* reason you are not invited is the sleeping arrangement thing, that is extremely lame. The logical solution would have been asking if a male friend or couple could sleep at your place, go to sleep at your place with you and return in the morning. or telling her friends she only has one sofa and if they are not comfortable sleeping on the floor, her is the number to the local hotel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted May 20, 2017 Share Posted May 20, 2017 She has mentioned that her ex did not like this guy either because they used to do the same thing it seems while they were dating. Okay i missed this. Heck no. She could be testing you as well to see if you are okay with the arrangement that her ex was not okay with. Even if he is not getting a sexual rise out of this, she is getting something out of sleeping with this guy - it may or not be sexual, but she should be getting that satisfaction of closeness from her boyfriend. Would you be okay if you were married and she told you she wanted to go in the other room and spoon this guy? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snny Posted May 20, 2017 Share Posted May 20, 2017 I'm a bisexual woman, and I would not be ok with this. My husband would not be ok with this either (and he doesn't know I'm bisexual). Sexual orientation is not the factor. This is about respecting relationship boundaries. I also second abitbroken on guys using the Gay Card as an excuse to fondle woman inappropriately. I've witnessed that happen. So no, don't be fooled. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vicky89 Posted May 20, 2017 Share Posted May 20, 2017 If she dated this guy in the past and it caused a relationship to end with her ex when she wouldn't care what he thought about the two of them sleeping together, then I'm wondering if she's actually attracted to him. I mean, things ended because the guy is gay, not because SHE wanted to end it. She liked him enough to date him so she might still harbor those feelings. Maybe she's just trying to get from him whatever scraps he can offer. Put it this way, if you dated a woman you really liked, but later she turns out to be a lesbian, then you get into a relationship but you and your ex sleep together at night during a party where there will for sure alcohol involved, don't you think you will like that she's next to you ? Her body warmth, the fact that you use to kiss her, sleep with her etc, will be going through your mind and even though she's a lesbian, you are still going to be attracted because lesbian or not, she's still a woman ! It's the same thing here. She wants what she can't have with this guy, she dates other men because what else is she suppose to do ? Let her life go by and stay single ? But at the end of the day, her relationship with her ex trumps any current relationship she is in, her last relationship ended because of how friendly she is with this guy, and she doesn't care, she just gets another bf to pass the time.... Also, there will be other people around, why must she HAVE to sleep with him ? Why can't she sleep with one of the other girls that will be there ? Again, he may be gay, but she dated him, they kissed, slept together before and she seems to still like this guy. I don't believe in wasting time with people that don't care for you as you do for them or that are hung up on someone else they can't have. To find out who is more important in her life, why don't you express that you would rather her not sleep in the same bed as him and that she sleep alone or bunk up with another female. If she does as she pleases and sleeps in the same bed as this guy knowing it can cause the relationship with you to end over this, then there is your answer about what she feels for you... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mustlovedogs Posted May 20, 2017 Share Posted May 20, 2017 I'm very surprised how many people think a "romantic" relationship from when someone was 12 would have a lasting impact on someone... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted May 20, 2017 Share Posted May 20, 2017 I'm a bisexual woman, and I would not be ok with this. My husband would not be ok with this either (and he doesn't know I'm bisexual). Sexual orientation is not the factor. This is about respecting relationship boundaries. I also second abitbroken on guys using the Gay Card as an excuse to fondle woman inappropriately. I've witnessed that happen. So no, don't be fooled. YES! The motive could be to disrespect women, it could be curiosity, it could be to see where someone's boundaries were or because they really did desire women even though they were choosing a relationship with a man at the time. It doesn't matter - its not appropriate ever!! Same goes for a straight woman going up to another woman and grabbing her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted May 20, 2017 Share Posted May 20, 2017 I'm very surprised how many people think a "romantic" relationship from when someone was 12 would have a lasting impact on someone... its not about when they were 12 --- its about now as a grown man and grown woman. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mustlovedogs Posted May 20, 2017 Share Posted May 20, 2017 its not about when they were 12 --- its about now as a grown man and grown woman. Bed thing aside. People are speaking like these are ex's. Like there are residual feelings. I mean, maybe??? But I don't even think of anyone I liked from those years. I don't know. He's allowed to not want her to share a bed with him. Fine. But to think there's feelings and he broke her heart by coming out is absurd. Middle school "relationships" are long term if they last 3 weeks. It's just being friends and hanging out more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jibralta Posted May 20, 2017 Share Posted May 20, 2017 It's mainly going to be a party for her and her friends but I'm invited to stop by for awhile. This mainly came up because of the lack of sleeping arrangements so I wasn't exactly invited to spend the night. It's more of a sleepover for her and her friends. I overlooked this before. Really??? I hope this is because it's a girl's night. Otherwise, it sucks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted May 20, 2017 Share Posted May 20, 2017 It seems she's choosing him over relationships. That's your answer. She sounds too immature to date and too broke to host overnight guests. This isn't about cheating or gay. It's about what you see is what you get and this is how she operates so take it or leave it. they used to "date" in middle school before he came out, but I have no way of knowing if he's bi at all. She has mentioned that her ex did not like this guy either because they used to do the same thing it seems while they were dating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jibralta Posted May 20, 2017 Share Posted May 20, 2017 Put it this way, if you dated a woman you really liked, but later she turns out to be a lesbian, then you get into a relationship but you and your ex sleep together at night during a party where there will for sure alcohol involved, don't you think you will like that she's next to you ? Her body warmth, the fact that you use to kiss her, sleep with her etc, will be going through your mind and even though she's a lesbian, you are still going to be attracted because lesbian or not, she's still a woman ! That's a good point. I hadn't thought about the cheap thrill that SHE might be getting out of it!! I also agree with this: To find out who is more important in her life, why don't you express that you would rather her not sleep in the same bed as him and that she sleep alone or bunk up with another female. If she does as she pleases and sleeps in the same bed as this guy knowing it can cause the relationship with you to end over this, then there is your answer about what she feels for you... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted May 20, 2017 Share Posted May 20, 2017 Bed thing aside. People are speaking like these are ex's. Like there are residual feelings. I mean, maybe??? But I don't even think of anyone I liked from those years. I don't know. He's allowed to not want her to share a bed with him. Fine. But to think there's feelings and he broke her heart by coming out is absurd. Middle school "relationships" are long term if they last 3 weeks. It's just being friends and hanging out more. Im not saying that they are pining for eachother from middle school. I am saying that now they are a grown man and a grown woman regardless of how long they have known eachother. "planning" to invite a man to sleep in your bed is planning to invite a man to sleep in your bed like its a given is the issue here. Is telling your boyfriend he can only just "stop by" to this party and spending the night in bed with a different man cool? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaHermes Posted May 20, 2017 Share Posted May 20, 2017 As Krankor said: "Dude...he's gay. Unless you think it's all a big act he's not going to suddenly get a case of the straights sleeping next to your girlfriend." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Giblesp Posted May 20, 2017 Share Posted May 20, 2017 She's 'partially,' invited to you a party where you can come but not stay the night, and she's going to be sleeping with a man she used to date. Maybe he's turned completely gay, maybe he's still bi. Would she be ok with you inviting you over to a party, but not to sleep, and then you sleeping in the same bed with a woman you used to date? Somehow I don't think your GF would be happy with 'Oh but she's gay now.' She's showing lack of empathy, also a controlling streak. This never gos anywhere good in my experience, I'd probably end it but I know that might seem extreme. What I'd suggest to you is to completely back away, and not show up for the party. Go out with your male friends instead and have a boys night. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RainyCoast Posted May 20, 2017 Share Posted May 20, 2017 What was said to me was that her gay male friend would be the one sharing her bed that night. It was just casually mentioned without asking did you even ask whether she would be sharing a bed with anyone, or did she just tell you she would be? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snny Posted May 21, 2017 Share Posted May 21, 2017 She's 'partially,' invited to you a party where you can come but not stay the night, and she's going to be sleeping with a man she used to date. That's the key... Not a full invitation. It's straight up rude to host selective guests, tells them to go yet continue to host others at her place. Incredibly rude as s*t. Total B move. I would be pissed off if I were you. That bed place is yours. You should not be told to leave a party while her friend hang out because you are her boyfriend. #1 priority. Her friend can go * himself. I would not tolerate this level of disrespect if I were you. Her ass would be done if I were in your position. Seriously, re-evaluate this relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snny Posted May 21, 2017 Share Posted May 21, 2017 I'm very surprised how many people think a "romantic" relationship from when someone was 12 would have a lasting impact on someone... I don't speak for the entire LGBT community. But if this friend of hers has any ounce of respect for her relationships, her would not be sleeping in the same bed with her. He's got a motive. Anytime you are in a relationship, you got boundaries. The dynamic of what you can/cannot so with your friends changes. What destroys her point is the fact she is not fully hosting her own boyfriend over at her party. That speaks VOLUMES about her character of how she treats her guests. Her boyfriend has every right to feel disappointed about this whole get-go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Giblesp Posted May 21, 2017 Share Posted May 21, 2017 That's the key... Not a full invitation. It's straight up rude to host selective guests, tells them to go yet continue to host others at her place. Incredibly rude as s*t. Total B move. I would be pissed off if I were you. That bed place is yours. You should not be told to leave a party while her friend hang out because you are her boyfriend. #1 priority. Her friend can go * himself. I would not tolerate this level of disrespect if I were you. Her ass would be done if I were in your position. Seriously, re-evaluate this relationship. Take this on OP. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KantSleep Posted May 21, 2017 Share Posted May 21, 2017 If my BF said his lesbian friend was sharing a bed with him, I would be pissed. Sorry, it isn't right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted May 22, 2017 Share Posted May 22, 2017 I don't speak for the entire LGBT community. But if this friend of hers has any ounce of respect for her relationships, her would not be sleeping in the same bed with her. He's got a motive. Anytime you are in a relationship, you got boundaries. The dynamic of what you can/cannot so with your friends changes. What destroys her point is the fact she is not fully hosting her own boyfriend over at her party. That speaks VOLUMES about her character of how she treats her guests. Her boyfriend has every right to feel disappointed about this whole get-go. YES. And the two of them BOTh have no boundaries. And that is apparent especially since she did the same thing while she was dating someone else. And its not like its a bachelorette party where its women only and MAYBE at the very end of the night, the boyfriend comes over and he is not included for the early festivities which is a girls only dinner or bar crawl, nor is any other man. The fact her male friend is in attendance negates that. If it were ONLY women who were staying over then I could see where she would say "Peggy, Alice and Amy, my sorority sisters are coming from Hawaii and we are going to do an old fashioned girls sleepover. Why don't you come for breakfast so you can meet them? Or why not stay over the night before instead" Honestly, I would tell her what you think - that while in a relationship, its not cool to share a bed with anyone else. You know - back in college there were women who got some kids from cuddling up to their gay male friends - like it didn't "count" as cheating because he wasn't getting a rise out of it - or so they justified. Trust me, she is getting something out of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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