Ugh.

[JoyceVib]

Dear readers,

 

I'm looking for tips for this situation. I hope I can find people here who have gone through this as well, or who notice similiair things in the story..

 

So, the thing is that I finally met a guy I really really like after breaking up exactly one year ago with my bf (after living together for two years). I'm 23 y/o now and before the latest boyfriend I had no trouble meeting people and also no problems with dating.

 

It's important to know that I have had really bad experience with guys, trusting them 100% and them breaking my heart after this.

Since last summer I'm feeling very down and insecure, not like the girl I was before at all. I wonder if true love really exists and also what I really want in life.

I tried dating different people, but I feel like I'm looking for someone really special, since me and my ex had this exceptional bond together and I don't want to settle down for less. I don't even kiss guys anymore, it feels really odd..

 

So came across this guy, who is (in my opinion) super attractive, funny and smart. Not like other guys I've met in a long time. I had this feeling that I should watch out with him, because he's really smooth in literally everything. We've been talking now for 7 months. Seen each other five times. When we see each other if feels kind of awkward, not really knowing what to talk about. Through messenger this is no problem and we talk a lot. He is actually the one messaging me since I had this feeling to keep my distance a bit because I didn't really feel good enough for a guy like that.

 

So yesterday I visited him again after four months (we did talk a lot in the meantime on messenger). It was fun and all, but awkward at the same time for no reason. We never kissed or did anything, and this time we only cuddled in bed and he gave me some kisses. This felt really nice though.

 

The next morning we didn't really had a lot to talk about and there was a lot of silence and watching movies. He then had to leave and this was a quick "bye" and kiss on my cheek.

 

The thing is that I notice I really like this guy a lot. I'm afraid to get too close to him because he can easily get other girls and I feel a bit insecure about myself. Through messenger I love talking with him, in person this is different and more awkward. We didn't do anything but I also have a feeling he is a bit shy in this. I just hate the thing that I'm finally over my ex and falling in love with someone else, and now realizing this guy is probably not right for me.

If it weren't for him still texting me I would have quit with this, but this is not the case.

I just don't know what to do, so afraid to get hurt again when I'll continue with this.

For some reason I fell in love with him deeply, thinking about him a lot and I only saw this guy for five times.

He also doesn't talk that much and makes me feel uncomfortable at the same time.

I can't really make up if he likes me or not. I don't know if he's dating other girls but my intuition says he does (for what it's worth).

We still text but this also feels a bit weird now

 

If someone can make something up out of this or is someone has any tips, please do share! I'm really lost at the moment and anything would be very helpfull.

[Andrina]

Sounds like you live some distance from each other? If you don't, I don't think seeing each other less than once a month shows much interest. And you were the one who went his way, after 4 months of not seeing each other? You had to put in the effort. He didn't. After this amount of time together, if there is no comfort level, I'd say you two are not compatible. Try dating locally so you don't waste so much time on an unknown.

[Batya33]

I think he makes a good chat buddy and neither of you is particularly interested in spending in person time together or you'd be seeing each other more like once a week by this point. I think it's awkward because you expect it to flow like it does when you type and that expectation is almost sabotaging. Instead if you assumed each time that it is a person you barely know -you've only seen him a handful of times in person - then maybe you'd accept the need to warm up to each other. Also could be one of those things where you two don't click in person.

[JoyceVib]

Sounds like you live some distance from each other? If you don't, I don't think seeing each other less than once a month shows much interest. And you were the one who went his way, after 4 months of not seeing each other? You had to put in the effort. He didn't. After this amount of time together, if there is no comfort level, I'd say you two are not compatible. Try dating locally so you don't waste so much time on an unknown.

 

He lives one and a half hours away, which is not so far. And indeed, I went to his place but this was not the plan in the first place (we wanted to go to the forest but it was raining badly). It's true that not seeing each other in such a long time should tell me something. Also that there's no comfort level. It's just too bad, I do really like this guy. I tried dating other people but I'm just never interested. Thank you for your reply!

[JoyceVib]

I think he makes a good chat buddy and neither of you is particularly interested in spending in person time together or you'd be seeing each other more like once a week by this point. I think it's awkward because you expect it to flow like it does when you type and that expectation is almost sabotaging. Instead if you assumed each time that it is a person you barely know -you've only seen him a handful of times in person - then maybe you'd accept the need to warm up to each other. Also could be one of those things where you two don't click in person.

 

Thank you for the reply! Well, I think you're absolutely right with this. It almost feels like it's the last option, but we do have a lot of same interests and it's so strange that everything connects perfectly through messages(like we connect so much in our messages and the whole conversation is just always perfect), but when we see each other in person it's weird and just... different. Like, why?

Such a shame because I love talking to him and I do like this guy..

[Batya33]

Thank you for the reply! Well, I think you're absolutely right with this. It almost feels like it's the last option, but we do have a lot of same interests and it's so strange that everything connects perfectly through messages(like we connect so much in our messages and the whole conversation is just always perfect), but when we see each other in person it's weird and just... different. Like, why?

Such a shame because I love talking to him and I do like this guy..

 

I had that situation many, many times when I was dating. That was why I met people in person ASAP after talking on the phone once because I didn't want to build up expectations. Sometimes it just boils down to pheromones. My husband and I were long distance for the better part of 2 years but we had dated seriously in the past and knew each other very well in person so the adjustment was a non-issue when we saw each other. With other guys, we'd have these awesome phone convos or texting and then in person it would be off, and frustratingly so. I know how frustrating it can be!

[JoyceVib]

I had that situation many, many times when I was dating. That was why I met people in person ASAP after talking on the phone once because I didn't want to build up expectations. Sometimes it just boils down to pheromones. My husband and I were long distance for the better part of 2 years but we had dated seriously in the past and knew each other very well in person so the adjustment was a non-issue when we saw each other. With other guys, we'd have these awesome phone convos or texting and then in person it would be off, and frustratingly so. I know how frustrating it can be!

 

Sounds like this might be the case. And yes, so frustrating! Glad you came up with this answer, I'm gonna take some time to think about this! If you could give me a piece of advice, what would you recommend me to do?

[Batya33]

Sounds like this might be the case. And yes, so frustrating! Glad you came up with this answer, I'm gonna take some time to think about this! If you could give me a piece of advice, what would you recommend me to do?

 

I would move on from trying to see him in person and only stay in touch if you are cool with hearing about his dating life, etc in the future - or you could meet him one more time with a different mindset and be open with him about your concerns. Also sounds like you believe he might be a player for some reason so you feel safer behind a computer screen.

[JoyceVib]

I would move on from trying to see him in person and only stay in touch if you are cool with hearing about his dating life, etc in the future - or you could meet him one more time with a different mindset and be open with him about your concerns. Also sounds like you believe he might be a player for some reason so you feel safer behind a computer screen.

 

Thank you for the tips! I'll try to see where this goes from here, but I'm glad you pointed this out. Didn't look at it like this before, so it's always helpfull when people tell you their view of the situation. Thanks again!

[JoyceVib]

What a mess. Why not date someone the normal way who lives near you?

 

Haha, fair enough. Well, he doesn't live that far away (more than an hour or so), and I did try dating others nearby, but I just don't feel a connection with them at all. With this guy, somehow, I do. Only when we're together things are a bit weird...

[katrina1980]

Some people have literally two personalities.

 

Their "on-line" personality and their "real life" personality.

 

Sounds like that's what's happening with this guy. Engaging and gregarious on line, but in person a dud (for lack of better word). He may suffer from social anxiety.

 

I recall many years ago, before I even started dating my ex, I met a guy on line on Match.com.

 

We emailed for about three weeks before meeting in person, and wow I really liked this guy through emailing with him!

 

Funny, smart, gregarious, engaging, the whole nine, he really pulled me! On line.

 

When we finally met in person, what a disappointment. He was awkward, seemed shy, a completely different person from who he had presented himself to be on line.

 

I chose to give it more time and the pattern continued.

 

After that first awkward date or "meet" ... on line he was back to being his usual funny, engaging, gregarious self.

 

Then on second date, same as first, awkward, quiet, shy and passive (which is fine just not for me).

 

Anyway, this went on for like 2 more dates, until I became convinced this guy had two personalities. On line personality and real life personality.

 

I think a lot of people seek on line relationships due to some sort of social anxiety.

 

That may be the case with this guy, who knows really.

 

But after what I experienced, if you don't feel a certain comfort level and "click" after two in person dates, no matter how fun and engaging he is on line, next him.

[LaHermes]

Katrina:

 

 

"I think a lot of people seek on line relationships due to some sort of social anxiety".

 

I fully agree.

[katrina1980]

Haha, fair enough. Well, he doesn't live that far away (more than an hour or so), and I did try dating others nearby, but I just don't feel a connection with them at all. With this guy, somehow, I do. Only when we're together things are a bit weird...

 

FWIW, I hear ya re forming a connection on line. It happens, it's real. IMO and experience.

 

Despite what happened with the other guy, I recently experienced this again myself, we never met in person though as he lives 6000 miles away in another country. It's over now.

 

BUT, that said, and easy for me to say now lol, it's important to keep it in perspective.

 

You HAVE met this man in person and there was no chemistry/energy/click.

 

This speaks volumes! And suggests to me that you have "connected" with his on line "persona" not the "real" him. The real him is who he presents himself to be IN PERSON.

 

Something to consider anyway.