Travelingheart Posted April 26, 2017 Share Posted April 26, 2017 I'm going to try to make this as short as possible, so here goes. My girlfriend and I have known each other since high school, so about a little over a decade. We never dated then, and I had a terrible home-life, so my main focus was to just get out. Which I did after my mom passed away out of nowhere when I was 16. I moved to a different state and did my best to start over with people who knew nothing of my past. And it was everything I could have ever wished for. I got my GED, enrolled in college, bought a car, bought a house, at this point I should tell you that I am a lesbian, and my family hated me for it. I had never been with a man, and had no intentions or desires to ever be with one. Well in my messed up mind I thought that maybe if I sucked it up and married a man (my best guy friend) that maybe I would win my family over. Obviously that didn't work like I had hoped it would. I was miserable, he was a great guy, but.. well.. I just wasn't attracted to him. However I have always wanted kids, so I decided to try to stick it out. We conceived. My body failed me. I lost my little girl at 19 weeks. Afterwards I found out he had been cheating on me with my best friend along with 2 other women. Which honestly didn't even phase me much, I filed for divorce and he moved out. Sweet, simple and to the point. During this time my current girlfriend and I started talking more. We had never actually lost contact since my move, her move, my marriage & divorce, her deployments, we were always talking and I would make random visits to see her and my best friend. However the first time I visited after separating from my husband was different. I stayed the night and then the next day as we were texting, the idea of us being in a relationship came up. Fast forward a year, we had plans for her to move down to where I lived... until I decided that I didn't want to take her away from her family, and since I didn't have any family, we decided that I should move up. Looking back, it's probably the worst mistake I've ever made. I went from living in a city that I loved with friends that I loved and knew very little about my past, to the small town that I grew up in that knew everything about me. Soon after moving, my depression that I thought I had overcome returned in full force, along with anxiety and just the overall feeling of not being good enough. And no matter what I do, I can't seem to get through to her that I'm not okay. I'm constantly reminded of all of her ex girlfriends and of my abusive childhood. I have one friend here that I see from time to time, other than that, anything and everything we do revolves around her and her family. But then she gets upset when I want to come along on some random outing. I know she needs her alone time, and I give her as much as I possibly can. But I can't seem to make her realize that I am constantly feeling alone and out of place. I feel like I've become nothing but a burden. I'm on medication for anxiety, depression, insomnia, and high blood pressure. I also have a future appointment with a counselor. My main question here, is what can I do to get through to her that she is not the only one in this relationship and that she is hurting me by leaving me out of things? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted April 26, 2017 Share Posted April 26, 2017 The place you live is not causing you depression - it was there a little all along and it just intensified. You have never truly dealt with your past. You moved away from it. When you move to solve an emotional problem, it pops up again eventually either when you go back to your home town or in the new town. It was only a matter of time. I really think going to the counselor is a good first start. I also think looking at meetup.com and finding a group of people with a shared interest be that a cooking club, group that hikes, a group that likes to watch art or foreign films then discuss them, etc - anything except a meetup for people that is revolved around their wounds. Its good to join support groups, but i would only go to ones ran by a professional or with a structured program right now so that you are not just finding people that are miserable. Meetups that involve a physical activity are the best. This way you can start to meet new people. If you simply move back to the city, it will not make it all go away. Its already brought up. What about visiting your friends in the city now and then? Just to connect with friends as long as they were true friends and not just situational ones. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted April 26, 2017 Share Posted April 26, 2017 Have you considered moving back to where you were much happier? She can either go with you or perhaps you are not as compatible as you had hoped and this would be a healthy way to end it and find happiness elsewhere... No relationship or person can compensate for a deep inner unhappiness and resentment from moving back to a place that represents so much unhappiness. I am constantly feeling alone and out of place. I feel like I've become nothing but a burden. I'm on medication for anxiety, depression, insomnia, and high blood pressure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DancingFool Posted April 26, 2017 Share Posted April 26, 2017 All I am going to say to you is that you have only one life to live. So stop pretending, stop living for others and what others want. Get out of this miserable situation, go back to the city, go back to your friends and STOP pretending and living for other people this time around. Be you, embrace you. Your gf, either she wants to come with or you will need to leave her behind. It doesn't sound like things are working out anyway for the two of you. You can't force her to understand anything she doesn't really want to. When your quality of life is reduced to taking pills just to get through the day, that's your clue that you need to make some serious, sweeping changes in how you live. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rosephase Posted April 26, 2017 Share Posted April 26, 2017 My main question here, is what can I do to get through to her that she is not the only one in this relationship and that she is hurting me by leaving me out of things? It's not her job to find you friends or fix your depression. She CAN'T be your only support system. You need to find others, therapy? friends? hobbies? exercise? You need to be able to support yourself emotionally. If you can't do that in this place, tell her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Travelingheart Posted April 27, 2017 Author Share Posted April 27, 2017 The place you live is not causing you depression - it was there a little all along and it just intensified. You have never truly dealt with your past. You moved away from it. When you move to solve an emotional problem, it pops up again eventually either when you go back to your home town or in the new town. It was only a matter of time. I really think going to the counselor is a good first start. I also think looking at meetup.com and finding a group of people with a shared interest be that a cooking club, group that hikes, a group that likes to watch art or foreign films then discuss them, etc - anything except a meetup for people that is revolved around their wounds. Its good to join support groups, but i would only go to ones ran by a professional or with a structured program right now so that you are not just finding people that are miserable. Meetups that involve a physical activity are the best. This way you can start to meet new people. If you simply move back to the city, it will not make it all go away. Its already brought up. What about visiting your friends in the city now and then? Just to connect with friends as long as they were true friends and not just situational ones. Out of all of the replies, I appreciate yours the most. I don't want to end my relationship, and it's by no means terrible. We just have a hard time communicating about certain things. I think I will take your advice and look into trying to find groups to join and stuff that I can do alone so that I'm not constantly annoying her by being around. Thank you again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Travelingheart Posted April 27, 2017 Author Share Posted April 27, 2017 It's not her job to find you friends or fix your depression. She CAN'T be your only support system. You need to find others, therapy? friends? hobbies? exercise? You need to be able to support yourself emotionally. If you can't do that in this place, tell her. I never said I expected her to fix me or to find me friends. My only question was how I could communicate to her better that I'm doing very well. I also don't expect her to be my only support system. However the people I consider to be my support system are 3 hours away and I have no family. I don't feel like it's wrong of me to desire some level of understanding and support from my significant other. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Travelingheart Posted April 27, 2017 Author Share Posted April 27, 2017 All I am going to say to you is that you have only one life to live. So stop pretending, stop living for others and what others want. Get out of this miserable situation, go back to the city, go back to your friends and STOP pretending and living for other people this time around. Be you, embrace you. Your gf, either she wants to come with or you will need to leave her behind. It doesn't sound like things are working out anyway for the two of you. You can't force her to understand anything she doesn't really want to. When your quality of life is reduced to taking pills just to get through the day, that's your clue that you need to make some serious, sweeping changes in how you live. Unfortunately I'm starting to realize the whole "you can't force her to understand anything she doesn't really want to." Hence why I'm starting counseling. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Travelingheart Posted April 27, 2017 Author Share Posted April 27, 2017 Have you considered moving back to where you were much happier? She can either go with you or perhaps you are not as compatible as you had hoped and this would be a healthy way to end it and find happiness elsewhere... No relationship or person can compensate for a deep inner unhappiness and resentment from moving back to a place that represents so much unhappiness. I have considered moving actually. I have nothing binding me to any place in particular so I'm very open to the idea. I talked to her about this about and at the time she seemed to be somewhat open to the idea, it's just her family holding her back. Which is understandable to most, but it's not something that I can relate to, which makes it hard for me sometimes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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