Was I that blind?

[Rezie]

You go girl! You are doing the right thing. You deserve so much better than what he is offering.

 

Good luck with this next chapter!

[melodysparks]

You did nothing wrong. You dodged a bullet. Don't contact that douche again. I'm sorry about your miscarriage. You will find love again-- make sure to slow things down and enjoy the ride. A relationship should be a marathon, not a sprint.

[Tanzi]

He came to my office last week and was crying saying he is sorry for not being there for me, he thought I was lying about miscarriage as his ex did lie to him about being pregnant and going through an abortion. Why the hell would I lie about such a serious thing? How mental one should be to do so??? Anyways, he was asking me if I could forget and forgive and if I can move on because he did not want to be slapped in the face with this if we move on, and asked me to think about it.

The next day he was going to go snowboarding and it was snowing real bad. He called me and talked to me for an hour and then said "It is snowing real bad and I should concentrate on driving, as roads are getting worse. I will text you once I get there." Well, he did not. To be honest, I was worried. Even if that would not be him but any other friend of mine I would still be worried because it was snowing real bad. The next morning I texted him "Hey, did you make it there?" He never responded back. Then I called him couple hours later and he did not pick up and turned off his phone later on.

 

Do I understand how one can act normal and be trying to fix things and cry about it one day, then ignore the other day? No.

I got an offer from a very successful company in Cali. At first I did not want to take the offer because I was still hoping things will get better (I know I know ...so stupid of me). But I did sign the contract and will be moving in Summer. I believe a new environment will help me to move on.

 

Good for you! You are so right.

 

He was testing the waters to see if he still had a hold over you. When he found out that he still did he was happy to go AWOL again ... until the next time he wants to test the waters. Whatever happens, don't let this man hold you back from all the new opportunities that lie ahead of you.

[messismine]

Good for you! You are so right.

 

He was testing the waters to see if he still had a hold over you. When he found out that he still did he was happy to go AWOL again ... until the next time he wants to test the waters. Whatever happens, don't let this man hold you back from all the new opportunities that lie ahead of you.

 

Thank you!

 

He actually texted the next day saying "I am fine, just driving back home". I deleted the text without opening it (cos when I open it, he can see that I read it).

Then couple hours later he called me, and was like:

Him: Hi. How are you?

Me: good

Him was your day?

Me: perfect. hope urs was good too.

Him: yeah, had fun, but sore. what did you do?

Me: was working and still am. why are you calling?

Him: Just wanted to let you know I am home.

Me: good for you

Him: well...i guess...i will let you go back to work.

Me. K bye.

 

After this conversation I realized I truly do not care about him at all. I am done.

[MissCanuck]

Good for you, OP.

 

This guy has Bad News written all over him. Block him so he can't bother you anymore.

[messismine]

I know it is an old topic and I should be over the whole situation but I have another question.

He kept in touch with me on Monday, said he apologizes, he knows he made a mistake and he knows he gave up after the first fight instead of trying to figure out things.

I mean he sounded like he regrets. Then he asked me if I could forgive him, and I said: "You put zero effort in order for me to forgive you". His response was "If I put effort and try will you forgive me?" I said, "why don't you try first and we will see how it goes". He said "Ok, let me go in and I will call you in a bit." I have not heard from him a whole freaking week yet he checks my snapchat stories ( I had to block him there too because I recently noticed).

 

I am not saying I am going to or will forgive him. I just really do not understand what is in his head or what is he trying to do. Any suggestions? Because his actions to me do not make any sense and it is driving me crazy

[Batya33]

I know it is an old topic and I should be over the whole situation but I have another question.

He kept in touch with me on Monday, said he apologizes, he knows he made a mistake and he knows he gave up after the first fight instead of trying to figure out things.

I mean he sounded like he regrets. Then he asked me if I could forgive him, and I said: "You put zero effort in order for me to forgive you". His response was "If I put effort and try will you forgive me?" I said, "why don't you try first and we will see how it goes". He said "Ok, let me go in and I will call you in a bit." I have not heard from him a whole freaking week yet he checks my snapchat stories ( I had to block him there too because I recently noticed).

 

I am not saying I am going to or will forgive him. I just really do not understand what is in his head or what is he trying to do. Any suggestions? Because his actions to me do not make any sense and it is driving me crazy

 

With everything you wrote and your plans to relocate why waste your time trying to analyze what is going on with him?

[messismine]

With everything you wrote and your plans to relocate why waste your time trying to analyze what is going on with him?

 

Because it still hurts. Yes I am relocating, Yes I am trying to distract myself and forget. But even if he is the weirdest person I have ever met I still have feelings that I am trying to kill. And his actions are not helping.

[Batya33]

Because it still hurts. Yes I am relocating, Yes I am trying to distract myself and forget. But even if he is the weirdest person I have ever met I still have feelings that I am trying to kill. And his actions are not helping.

 

Yes your feelings are your feelings. I was asking why you are choosing to react to those feelings in the way you are. Nothing at all to do with his actions. He is a separate person. You can choose not to have contact with him or choose to tune him out even if you do have contact. It doesn't matter if he is weird or not actually. And no need to kill your feelings in the least. Just make choices as to how to react to those feelings that are consistent with self-care. In my opinion your reaction to your feelings by interacting with him and even considering getting back together is inconsistent with self-care.

[Rezie]

Feelings don't randomly disappear but you can try to do sit with not engaging with mind games of forgoveness. You can forgive him in order to move on. You can't forgive him and get back together anymore. He proved again that he is not serious. "I'll call you back soon" and a.week goes by. He has got you right where he wants to. You wondering about him and being able to do anything about it or to move on. He just wants you to think about him and that way affecting your life. Just stop playing his game.

[chitown9]

Well, he is playing mind games with you. So what. " He gets drunk every weekend." That is a huge red flag. It should be a deal breaker, in fact, with you. Everything else does not really matter....this man has a drinking problem. Enough reason to be done with him right there. Drinking is the downfall of many people, so I would cut alcohol out of my life all together if I was you. Forget him, forget about drinking and concentrate on getting your PHD. That is something to be really proud of. Will you graduate in June?

 

You will love California. I don't know where you live now, but I live in California. You will love California.:sentimental: Look forward to your future and put this guy in the rear view mirror because it is " California, Here I Come!" chi

[Jibralta]

I am not saying I am going to or will forgive him. I just really do not understand what is in his head or what is he trying to do. Any suggestions? Because his actions to me do not make any sense and it is driving me crazy

 

Don't get stuck in that mire. It may seem like odd behavior to you, but there are many other people out there who behave the same way as he does. The explanation for their behavior is simple: it's in their nature. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with you, except that you have a tendency to care and he sees that and feeds off of it.

 

Google "the scorpion and the frog," and you will find a short fable written about this very type of relationship. Also interesting: /

 

In short, you are judging him by the standards to which that hold yourself, but he is not like you and never will be like you. However, he and others like him know exactly how to prey off of people like you, so you did very well to get rid of him!!!

[messismine]

I got my closure. He told me "We have been fighting a lot, and we have different views on things. I don't think we will work out. Good luck on your graduation tomorrow (my MS graduation ceremony is tomorrow)"

I said "cool. thanks" and hang up.

[Batya33]

I'm glad he told you where he stands. I think you knew that far before this phone call that he was not a good person for you and had your closure then, had you chosen to see it that way.

[catfeeder]

I got my closure. He told me "We have been fighting a lot, and we have different views on things. I don't think we will work out. Good luck on your graduation tomorrow (my MS graduation ceremony is tomorrow)"

I said "cool. thanks" and hang up.

 

CongrAts on your graduation. You can choose to make this guy irrelevant and focus instead on what it took for you to reach this accomplishment.

 

EnjOy, and head high.

[messismine]

Don't get stuck in that mire. It may seem like odd behavior to you, but there are many other people out there who behave the same way as he does. The explanation for their behavior is simple: it's in their nature. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with you, except that you have a tendency to care and he sees that and feeds off of it.

 

Google "the scorpion and the frog," and you will find a short fable written about this very type of relationship. Also interesting: /

 

In short, you are judging him by the standards to which that hold yourself, but he is not like you and never will be like you. However, he and others like him know exactly how to prey off of people like you, so you did very well to get rid of him!!!

 

I did read that story and clearly saw the relevance. Thank you. Loved it.

[messismine]

I'm glad he told you where he stands. I think you knew that far before this phone call that he was not a good person for you and had your closure then, had you chosen to see it that way.

 

You are right, I already knew what his decision was. But knowing him, he'd tell me "we were on a brake and you moved on without even waiting for a decision". He'd blame it all on me.

I actually am shocked how he manages to blame everything on me.

Like about snowboarding story where he would not pick up my calls. He blamed me for calling him and making sure he is safe. And when I said "If I did not care, you'd tell me "Oh you do not even care" " and his response was "I would never say that". Which is not true, cos he is trying to find a mistake in anything I do.

And when I told him "if you were that annoyed with my calls, why didn't you just pick up the phone and say "I am fine" and I wouldn't have bothered you after that.

I got no response to that question. Just silence.

[katrina1980]

I apologize I must not have read this right; he was driving in a huge snowstorm, and was mad at you for calling and asking if he is okay? After HE said HE would call you once he got to his destination but didn't??

 

If so THAT is totally messed up, something is wrong with him, he just doesn't sound right in the head.

 

I agree with what Batya and others have said. No you can't shut off your feelings (well I sort of can but they're still there, just buried, which isn't good either so don't recommend).

 

BUT, what you can do is manage your feelings and emotions and NOT react by continuing contact. That only creates more drama and chaos keeping you stuck and preventing you from moving forward.

 

It's not easy! Takes a lot of emotional strength. Not to reach out, asking "why" this or that or other questions, or just want to talk about it. Which is usually just an exercise in futility anyway, so what's the point really. There isn't one.

 

Let his silence (and subsequently your silence) be your closure and move on.

 

Hang in, time heals! Good luck.

[messismine]

I apologize I must not have read this right; he was driving in a huge snowstorm, and was mad at you for calling and asking if he is okay? After HE said HE would call you once he got to his destination but didn't??

 

If so THAT is totally messed up, something is wrong with him, he just doesn't sound right in the head.

 

I agree with what Batya and others have said. No you can't shut off your feelings (well I sort of can but they're still there, just buried, which isn't good either so don't recommend).

 

BUT, what you can do is manage your feelings and emotions and NOT react by continuing contact. That only creates more drama and chaos keeping you stuck and preventing you from moving forward.

 

It's not easy! Takes a lot of emotional strength. Not to reach out, asking "why" this or that or other questions, or just want to talk about it. Which is usually just an exercise in futility anyway, so what's the point really. There isn't one.

 

Let his silence (and subsequently your silence) be your closure and move on.

 

Hang in, time heals! Good luck.

 

You got it right Exactly why he was blaming me.

 

During our breakup conversation he told me "You are right about me being traumatized from my previous relationship. You are right that I keep comparing all your actions with my previous relationship. You are right that I am scared of getting into arguments or fights with you cos I do not want to be hurt anymore and do not want any drama anymore. I feel embarrased in front of you that I left you alone during the miscarriage. I do miss you a lot. And at the beginning of the relationship I was totally committed to this and wanted us to work.But then we started fighting a lot. I don't see us working out in the future"

 

I said "Look, we were not fighting a lot. We had our arguments , which is normal, but it was our first fight. I was fighting for it cos I love you, and I guess you do not love me that much. It happens"

 

He said "Yeah..."

 

Then he wished me luck and that is it.

[katrina1980]

A bit more info there^ so tnx.

 

Even though he is acting like a ****, I don't want to be too hard him, cause clearly he has some issues.

 

JMO, but his behavior sounds fear-based. Things from his past are coming back up and biting him (and subsequently you) in the a$$, and have tossed a BIG wrench into your relationship.

 

It almost sounds like he is in some sort of panic mode, none of his reactions sound even remotely rational.

 

Whatever connection you have developed, he is NOT comfortable with it, doesn't want it; he wants OUT. A sort of PTSD although that's extreme, but again his past is coming up and preventing him from moving forward. So it sort of makes sense.

 

Nothing you do or say will change that; in fact will only make him feel more fear, more panic, and worse.

 

Again jmo but that is why he becomes so angry at you every time you want to discuss it, close the gap and move closer.

 

It's you but it's not really you. It's just the situation and his feelings,, but he is too panicked right now to realize that. It's easier to just blame you.

 

All he knows is every time you want to talk or ask why, close the gap between you, he feels more boxed in, more panicked, right now he just wants OUT.

 

And sorry to say there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. Reassuring him you are not like his ex's will make it worse, again he just wants OUT and away from these feelings.

 

So wish him well and LEAVE.

 

He has too many issues that you can't fix.

 

I realize this may sound totally hokey to some people, and maybe it is!

 

Personally I do not think so, as I have experienced feeling this way myself. And know men who have felt this way too.

 

Except in my case, I am not nasty nor do I blame anyone else.

 

So I understand it in a way even though my reactions are different.

 

Regardless, the outcome is the same. He isn't comfortable with it, doesn't want it, at least not at this point in time, so let him go. That is all you can do.

 

I'm sorry!!

[messismine]

A bit more info there^ so tnx.

 

Even though he is acting like a ****, I don't want to be too hard him, cause clearly he has some issues.

 

JMO, but his behavior sounds fear-based. Things from his past are coming back up and biting him (and subsequently you) in the a$$, and have tossed a BIG wrench into your relationship.

 

It almost sounds like he is in some sort of panic mode, none of his reactions sound even remotely rational.

 

Whatever connection you have developed, he is NOT comfortable with it, doesn't want it; he wants OUT. A sort of PTSD although that's extreme, but again his past is coming up and preventing him from moving forward. So it sort of makes sense.

 

Nothing you do or say will change that; in fact will only make him feel more fear, more panic, and worse.

(

 

I wish I did not tell him about miscarriage. Maybe then things would have been different and fixable

[katrina1980]

I wish I did not tell him about miscarriage. Maybe then things would have been different and fixable

 

I doubt it, eventually it would have just been something else.

 

The miscarriage was the catalyst but not the reason. And how could you not tell him something like that?

 

I mean no offense but now you are not making sense.

 

He is carrying around a lot of fears inside him. HE and he alone needs to "fix" it (perhaps with the help of a good therapist) ...not you or anyone else.

[messismine]

I doubt it, eventually it would have just been something else.

 

The miscarriage was the catalyst but not the reason. And how could you not tell him something like that?

I mean no offense but now you are not making sense.

 

He is carrying around a lot of fears inside him. HE and he alone needs to "fix" it (perhaps with the help of a good therapist) ...not you or anyone else.

 

He has a severe PTS after the military. And I did tell him "Why don't you go and see a therapist?" and he was saying "If I go , they will think I am crazy".

And even in general cases he never shares anything with anyone. Like the fact I had a miscarriage no one knows but him. No one knows why we broke up. He just keeps all inside and I am sure that is not helping him.

 

I am literally blaming myself for everything, that is why I have such stupid ideas in my head, such as "should not have told him"

[katrina1980]

He has a severe PTS after the military. And I did tell him "Why don't you go and see a therapist?" and he was saying "If I go , they will think I am crazy".

And even in general cases he never shares anything with anyone. Like the fact I had a miscarriage no one knows but him. No one knows why we broke up. He just keeps all inside and I am sure that is not helping him.

 

I am literally blaming myself for everything, that is why I have such stupid ideas in my head, such as "should not have told him"

 

It's okay I understand. When my ex and I broke up late 2015, I blamed myself too.

 

That feeling will pass, trust me on that.

 

This is not your fault, the man's got some serious fears and issues. He had them when he met you.

 

It is nothing you did, nothing you could have done (except maybe left him alone but even that may not have changed the outcome, just prolonged it), so pls try to not be too hard on yourself.

 

I am sorry you are hurting, again time heals.

 

Hugs