Probably not the right time...

[thinkin2much]

My bf and I broke up Nov 1 2015. I was completely shocked at the time as we were in love and planning a future together (we are early 30s). There were no huge problems in our relationship outside of what felt (to me) like some minor extra stress due to him having been out of work and me starting a new job that I didn't care for much. Needless to say, I was heartbroken and confused. I desperately wanted to fix things and tried way too hard to make that happen right away. We saw each other a few times early on, but he could only describe himself as being "unhappy" and "out of control" in our relationship. Our visits grew to be infrequent as did our communication. We met up almost 2 months post-breakup and he broke down a bit, telling me that he loves me so much, crying, hugging, kissing, etc. Still, it was clear that he did not have the desire or ability to begin our relationship again as it was. We started talking somewhat more regularly at that time and met up for a weekend away about 3 weeks later.

 

That weekend was absolutely lovely--magical--powerful. From that point forward we decided that we would not let ourselves miss out on our love. We planned more trips together over the next several months, but did not see one another in between as distance had become a new factor in our relationship post-breakup (he was staying with a friend). We talked and texted throughout the days and were so happy to be working again on our relationship. In this time, he decided, with my support, to pursue a lifelong dream of embarking on a 6 month solo backpacking/hiking journey. He begins in June. As June has approached, he has become increasingly distant and has most recently tried very hard to push me away. He recently revealed thoughts and feelings that are consistent with severe depression ("I can't escape these empty feelings"; "I've given up on myself so you should too"; "This is always going to be my life--I'm meant to be alone and miserable"; "I have nothing to offer this world or anyone else"). He feels that he is currently deeply lost and started to feel himself slipping away which is why he ended our relationship. Now he seems to be pushing me away. He has shared with me that he thinks he can't be my "boyfriend" right now because he feels like we cant slow down our relationship when it heads in that direction, that he can't control the way he feels about me, and that he feels like he won't be able to leave on his trip being that close to me. He is VERY clear every time we talk or spend time together that he loves me deeply (and is also clear that this is not a platonic love). He is affectionate, physically intimate, and refers to me as his true love and his soulmate. What I can't gather is whether it's his depression, his fears about leaving on his trip, or if he has doubts about me in particular that are keeping him at a distance.

 

I am struggling. I love him deeply and truly unconditionally. I do not love him BECAUSE he loves me or because of what he does or says. He is so many wonderful things and knowing him and loving him brings me so much joy. I feel terribly that he sees himself in such a low light right now. I want him to find his own happiness and his own sense of worth in this world. Ultimately, though, I still want him. I do not want to walk away from him. Is it crazy for me to support him from an arm's length for now? I really hope that our choices don't have to be all or nothing. It feels like with so much going on right now, this is probably not the right time for a full reconciliation, but does that mean there is no time? I am writing here as a way to organize my thoughts. Lately, I can feel myself holding onto them and trying to process them in his presence and I think it is affecting the time we are able to spend together. I would prefer to work through them and able to communicate to him clearly, particularly given his fragile state at the moment.

[reinventmyself]

It takes the commitment of 2 people to make a relationship work and you can't do it for the both of you.

He's reluctantly dragging his feet and you are pulling him along.

I'm sorry this is not what you want to hear, but drop the rope and see if he leaves or meets you half way.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like he wants to be single and do some soul searching. He's using a lot of twists on "it's me, not you" because he doesn't want to hurt you. He may be mentally preparing for his trip and solitude. Will he be visiting people? He doesn't sound depressed, he sounds independent.

[thinkin2much]

It takes the commitment of 2 people to make a relationship work and you can't do it for the both of you.

He's reluctantly dragging his feet and you are pulling him along.

I'm sorry this is not what you want to hear, but drop the rope and see if he leaves or meets you half way.

 

So I would completely agree with this in the majority of circumstances. However, I think that when someone is going through something big in life, such as suffering from depression, it is reasonable to expect one person to carry the weight and stick around for awhile. That is sort of what I am struggling with right now, is it his depression? Should I be there for him right now more than ever? Or is it something else? I suspect this to be a difficult question to answer, maybe even for him. I wonder if the approach should indeed be different though. I'm really not sure.

[thinkin2much]

It sounds like he wants to be single and do some soul searching. He's using a lot of twists on "it's me, not you" because he doesn't want to hurt you. He may be mentally preparing for his trip and solitude. Will he be visiting people? He doesn't sound depressed, he sounds independent.

 

He will not be visiting people in particular. It's a 6 month hike that he is taking by himself. He will meet people along the way. I'm not sure that I would agree that he doesn't sound depressed. He sounds, looks, and acts depressed in many ways. He recently discussed seeing someone to get help, but feels like he is putting a lot of pressure on this trip to help "fix things."

[thinkin2much]

Also just realize this should have said Nov 2016 not 2015

[Wiseman2]

Perhaps it will help if he's fulfilling a lifelong dream and making plans and looking forward to it. A change of scene may be good for him.

He recently discussed seeing someone to get help, but feels like he is putting a lot of pressure on this trip to help "fix things."

[catfeeder]

While it's true that we can't control who we love, we can recognize that some people are best loved from far away.

 

I'd give him his space and let him explore life on his own terms. From there he can decide whether he wants to pursue me again. That's the only way we'd both be able to trust that his choice is voluntary rather than a continual caving to influence from me.

 

You can't nurse someone else through depression. Whenever we step in to play the emotional Red Cross, we deprive both ourselves and lover from valuable information about what he would want to do on his own. The longer you try to prevent him from learning that--on his own--the more resentment you'll build until it erodes any shot you've got.

 

I'd skip that and place my focus on my own resilience and building my own life. The guy knows how to reach you if and when he WANTS to.

 

Head high.