Update on non-texter guy. Need help

[Wiseman2]

Dating so many serial rebounds after just breaking up a 9 month dating situation can be very confusing and disappointing like this. It often goes nowhere because you are just ricocheting all over the place desperately to avoid being alone.

[Person1001]

WHat hurts is not that he doesn't want a relationship, it's the possibility of being lied to. But you are so right, he wouldn't be giving me excuses if he liked me and wanted me...period.

 

That is what really gets me as well. I have been on dating apps for a couple months after my break up. I actually appreciate when guys are up front and tell me they aren't looking for anything serious, we chat a little and go our own ways. One guy really got to me, began talking serious stuff too soon (def red flag) and soon as I became interested, he ended up lying to me and jerking me around. I have no respect or time for people like this. Rejection hurts, but I would rather have that, then be lied to.

[lovelyworld]

That is what really gets me as well. I have been on dating apps for a couple months after my break up. I actually appreciate when guys are up front and tell me they aren't looking for anything serious, we chat a little and go our own ways. One guy really got to me, began talking serious stuff too soon (def red flag) and soon as I became interested, he ended up lying to me and jerking me around. I have no respect or time for people like this. Rejection hurts, but I would rather have that, then be lied to.

 

Yes, I respect and appreciate straightforward people. I haven't received a text from this guy since Thursday...so I'm guessing this is it. He usually at least texts once per day, but now I feel very very ignored. I suppose this is what they call ghosting. It doesn't suck that it didn't work out, it just sucks to not get a clear answer. When we said bye that day, he said "don't forget to send me my picture of the day!"...as if we will keep talking. But now I'm just being ignored, and it feels like a silent rejection.

 

Maybe I did catch him on his lie about him having a girlfriend. I've never been ghosted before, I've always had clear byes with people...so these past two days I have just been feeling so silly/embarrassed about texting him and being ignored. Feeling rejected. Just would have appreciated some honesty. Oh well.

[ParisPaulette]

So is there a reason you feel you can't trust your own instincts and observations? Regardless of whether the guy has someone else, which yeah it does sound like he does, the fact is when they tell you "oh, I don't want a relationship right now, but maybe some day..." when you are still only in the getting to know each other stage coupled with pushing at you about sex through touch and talk it pretty much adds up to this: They want a booty call, but know they won't get that unless they hold out the carrot that if you give them sex, they will give you a relationship.

 

And he never contacts you or is reachable at all on the weekends? Yeah, nope he's not relationship material period. The only time I've ever seen that or experienced it myself was when someone else was occupying their weekend.

 

A guy who wants a relationship AND a gal who does so as well, will be free on the weekends to date you. No pics is less suspicious to me than only a single pic of a "cousin" that then disappears the next time you're over.

 

I would tell you to do more digging, BUT that's ludicrous for someone you barely know. Trust your instincts and walk away or understand you're going to find out you're the side piece down the line and make your peace with that now.

 

Also maybe work on why you don't think you should trust yourself instead of a near stranger who is using the Player 101 Handbook lines to his advantage. The way you don't get attached is to tell them, "We want different things, this isn't working for me, best of luck to you, goodbye." Then you block and delete them and move on. Keep it really simple. There are other far more available men out there with not so many red flags sticking up - not the texting no, but the not free weekends without a clear reason, the bogus "Oh that's my cousin," but no other pics at all? Yeah, right. I have pics of my cousins true and everyone else in my family, because if a cousin gets a place of honor at my house so does the rest of my very large family.

[lovelyworld]

So is there a reason you feel you can't trust your own instincts and observations? Regardless of whether the guy has someone else, which yeah it does sound like he does, the fact is when they tell you "oh, I don't want a relationship right now, but maybe some day..." when you are still only in the getting to know each other stage coupled with pushing at you about sex through touch and talk it pretty much adds up to this: They want a booty call, but know they won't get that unless they hold out the carrot that if you give them sex, they will give you a relationship.

 

And he never contacts you or is reachable at all on the weekends? Yeah, nope he's not relationship material period. The only time I've ever seen that or experienced it myself was when someone else was occupying their weekend.

 

A guy who wants a relationship AND a gal who does so as well, will be free on the weekends to date you. No pics is less suspicious to me than only a single pic of a "cousin" that then disappears the next time you're over.

 

I would tell you to do more digging, BUT that's ludicrous for someone you barely know. Trust your instincts and walk away or understand you're going to find out you're the side piece down the line and make your peace with that now.

 

Also maybe work on why you don't think you should trust yourself instead of a near stranger who is using the Player 101 Handbook lines to his advantage. The way you don't get attached is to tell them, "We want different things, this isn't working for me, best of luck to you, goodbye." Then you block and delete them and move on. Keep it really simple. There are other far more available men out there with not so many red flags sticking up - not the texting no, but the not free weekends without a clear reason, the bogus "Oh that's my cousin," but no other pics at all? Yeah, right. I have pics of my cousins true and everyone else in my family, because if a cousin gets a place of honor at my house so does the rest of my very large family.

 

On the weekends, he's been working and I know that for sure, but I'm not making up excuses for him. I haven't spoken to him in 2 days, since he hasn't replied. I feel ignored. Honestly, I feel like he ghosted me. But you're right, everything seems to add up...him telling me he doesn't want a relationship, him having only one picture of a "cousin" in his house, not texting. But when he says he really doesn't have a gf, it sounds believable, but the signs tell me no. He makes me feel crazy for even assuming sighing and saying "I really really do not have a girlfriend, you"....but my guts and the signs point to something else. And the fact that he hasn't replied just tells me he really did get caught. Hasn't replied to any of my texts after the last time I saw him. I know I should trust my gut feeling more than I should trust this stranger. But gosh, this feeling sucks.

[lovelyworld]

I need advice today. It's his birthday. We've talked about his birthday and him turning 27 a couple of times. I want to wish him a happy birthday because it's a safe and happy occasion. But I've been ignored, and I've already sent a few texts on Thursday without any responses from him. So I don't want to come off as any more needy, but part of me does want to wish a happy birthday. Afraid of being ignored again though, since the last conversation felt like I was texting myself. Should I? Or is it just better to let it be and not send anything at all?

[Batya33]

I would stop seeing him because: he doesn't want a relationship with you - he doesn't see potential either -if he did he would never have said what he said. He seems dodgy and he is behaving in too distant a way for your comfort.

 

Please do not generalize about other men -this is one guy who probably is not behaving in an honest way. It doesn't matter if you've met 10 guys who behave in a dishonest way. It's not "men" it's those individuals.

[lovelyworld]

I would stop seeing him because: he doesn't want a relationship with you - he doesn't see potential either -if he did he would never have said what he said. He seems dodgy and he is behaving in too distant a way for your comfort.

 

Please do not generalize about other men -this is one guy who probably is not behaving in an honest way. It doesn't matter if you've met 10 guys who behave in a dishonest way. It's not "men" it's those individuals.

 

 

I really don't want anything with him anymore, but I would have appreciated a clear bye. I've talked to so many guys who I never felt interested in or who were clingy that I never wanted to reply to them, but I always told them how I truly felt in the end and said bye in a clear and kind way. So now I feel like I'm on the receiving end this time, and I'm so thankful I have not treated others the way he did me.

The thing is I might probably run into him again at his work...I go there once a month to pay a bill, and it'd be weird if I see him after being so ignored.

 

But for today, should I wish him a happy birthday?

[Batya33]

I really don't want anything with him anymore, but I would have appreciated a clear bye. I've talked to so many guys who I never felt interested in or who were clingy that I never wanted to reply to them, but I always told them how I truly felt in the end and said bye in a clear and kind way. So now I feel like I'm on the receiving end this time, and I'm so thankful I have not treated others the way he did me.

The thing is I might probably run into him again at his work...I go there once a month to pay a bill, and it'd be weird if I see him after being so ignored.

 

But for today, should I wish him a happy birthday?

 

No -you weren't together long enough in any event to justify any contact like that. I agree that if you go out more than a handful of times there should be at least a discussion when things end- sorry he disappointed you.

[boltnrun]

No. Don't wish him a happy birthday.

 

Trust me, if he wanted to hear from you he wouldn't have just disappeared like that.

 

Don't give him another opportunity to ignore you. You'll just end up feeling worse.

[nsolo]

"I'm not ready" equals 'I want to wait until I find someone else while you and I hook up in the meantime.' It seems like there could be exceptions to that, but I think they are far and few between. Unfortunately I've pulled out this line myself before when I wanted to keep a lover despite knowing we weren't right for each other. And I've had it done on me as well. The strategy is honest to an extent, because a person can always grow on another, but it shows a lack of integrity on another level, perhaps.

I'd leave unless you really value the sex that much. If you stay because of the sex, then you may be a sex addict.

[nsolo]

"I want to wish him a happy birthday because it's a safe and happy occasion. But I've been ignored, and I've already sent a few texts on Thursday without any responses from him."

 

I wouldn't.

[ThatwasThen]

This reminds me of a situation I was in a long time ago. I was talking to this guy and he invited me over to his place. On his wall, he had a lot of wedding pictures...and it looked like some pictures were missing (he probably removed them before I came over) That moment I thought "ugh crap, this guy is probably married" and I asked him casually and he said "oh that's my sister"....I played dumb until I left. Then we texted and he did admit he was married and that I wouldn't have given him a chance if I knew. Of course I wouldn't have.

 

Now I feel as if I'm in the same situation all over again. Except this guy is not admitting he has a gf. If he got caught, wouldn't he say just admit by then? Because who has a picture of their cousin? Especially if that's the only picture in the house. Did he forget to hide it?

 

Gosh, I am just so disappointed and a bit sad about all of this. Really like him, and I want to give him the benefit of doubt, but do not want to be played.

You're worrying far too much on whether or not he has a girlfriend while ignoring the point of why YOU SHOULD LEAVE HIM. He does not want a relationship. Find someone who doesn't cause you to chew off your finger nails with insecurity. You're wasting your time and you're feeding your own anxiety which is your good gut telling you that you should just leave now.

 

Work on your confidence so that you have no desire to wish a jerk who clearly doesn't value you, a happy birthday.

[nsolo]

ThatwasThen: "Work on your confidence so that you have no desire to wish a jerk who clearly doesn't value you, a happy birthday."

 

This woman has some wisdom!

[lovelyworld]

I did end up texting him before seeing all of the replies on here. I knew I shouldn't have deep down anyway. I was ignored. I feel like complete crap right now. Just complete crap. I am done with him for sure now. I know where I stand. So disappointed. My heart is not hurt, it's my ego that is hurt. I don't want him, I don't want anything to do with him.

I was finally getting over my ex before I met him, no more sadness or wondering. So I thought I was ready to talk to someone new, but no, I wasn't. Now I'm sad over someone I barely dated. This sucks.

[fabact]

Yea i would get out now while you are not so attached. He clearly said he didn't want a relationship and he is showing it to you as well by not texting in between your dates. I know you say you don't want a relationship but you are so do not want to be a type of booty call person and this sounds like it could go into that territory...and this thing about not being available on the weekends is lame. Because even for women who you are just hanging out with and not technically in a relationship with any normal guy would give them a weekend night. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's probably a duck.

[Batya33]

I did end up texting him before seeing all of the replies on here. I knew I shouldn't have deep down anyway. I was ignored. I feel like complete crap right now. Just complete crap. I am done with him for sure now. I know where I stand. So disappointed. My heart is not hurt, it's my ego that is hurt. I don't want him, I don't want anything to do with him.

I was finally getting over my ex before I met him, no more sadness or wondering. So I thought I was ready to talk to someone new, but no, I wasn't. Now I'm sad over someone I barely dated. This sucks.

 

You were ready to date, and this particular guy is not a good match IMO - I'm not sure why you'd conclude you weren't ready?

 

I'm sorry he didn't respond.

[Wiseman2]

Ok take it slow with dating and define your terms. For example, exclusive dating before sex, etc.

I was finally getting over my ex before I met him, no more sadness or wondering. So I thought I was ready to talk to someone new, but no, I wasn't.

[lovelyworld]

You were ready to date, and this particular guy is not a good match IMO - I'm not sure why you'd conclude you weren't ready?

 

I'm sorry he didn't respond.

 

He ended up replying at night saying "thank you!!!". I didn't reply to that because there was nothing to say. I'm concluding that I am not ready because oh how I feel right now. After finally feeling myself get soo much better about my ex and finally getting back to my happy self, I didn't think I'd ever feel a bit sad like this again for a while. I didn't think anything would get to me after how my ex made me feel. I suppose I felt strong. To know that i am sad about a guy I talked to for a month in itself makes me sad. I definitely know he was the wrong guy to talk to. Maybe I have trouble with rejection. When I go out, I get attention from guys and guys who try to talk to me a lot. So for 5 months after the breakup, I never felt ready to talk to anyone. And when I finally felt ready, I gave this guy a chance...and now I just feel so disappointed. To feel rejected by the first guy I have felt interested in just gets to me. I know this is more my issue than his. I know maybe I got attached a bit quick. I suppose he was feeding me all of the right talk, fell for his in-person personality and ignored everything else.

[lovelyworld]

Ok take it slow with dating and define your terms. For example, exclusive dating before sex, etc.

 

Yeah, I think one of the problems was the fact that I was also telling myself "oh, I'm only talking to him for fun!" so I didn't really care about what happened because I didn't exactly care about having a boyfriend. But somewhere in the middle I started liking him, he really made me laugh and smile a lot when I was around him. However, I felt like so many things were hidden from me...something felt off. I can definitely handle a relationship just for fun only if honesty is in the package. Someone who is avoiding me and is hard to reach right now is not someone I can handle.

 

You're right, though, I do need to look deep within myself and define my terms about dating again. Not as easy as I thought.

[Batya33]

I'm sorry it was disappointing and I'm really glad he responded -and the way he responded was 100% appropriate. I would stop "talking" and just meet people to date in person with less of a focus on who you are "talking" to. Talk to whoever you want to but I'm confused about what you mean by "talking" as if it's somehow related to dating someone with potential for a relationship.

[lovelyworld]

I'm sorry it was disappointing and I'm really glad he responded -and the way he responded was 100% appropriate. I would stop "talking" and just meet people to date in person with less of a focus on who you are "talking" to. Talk to whoever you want to but I'm confused about what you mean by "talking" as if it's somehow related to dating someone with potential for a relationship.

 

By talking, I meant dating and seeing someone/hanging out. So last night, he sent a text saying "I think we should stop talking, you're cool but the arguing gets old after so long. I'm not going to start texting you all day all of the sudden and you're not going to like it soo..." and that's all he sent lol. Towards the end, I stopped arguing about texting a lot, but after the last day about asking who's the girl in the picture, he changed. I'm glad he sent this text, now I don't need to wonder why he disappeared, or what I did. Now I know I shouldn't talk to a guy who's a non-texter, who's too private for my own taste, just for my own sanity. Going to always trust my gut feeling.

[Batya33]

By talking, I meant dating and seeing someone/hanging out. So last night, he sent a text saying "I think we should stop talking, you're cool but the arguing gets old after so long. I'm not going to start texting you all day all of the sudden and you're not going to like it soo..." and that's all he sent lol. Towards the end, I stopped arguing about texting a lot, but after the last day about asking who's the girl in the picture, he changed. I'm glad he sent this text, now I don't need to wonder why he disappeared, or what I did. Now I know I shouldn't talk to a guy who's a non-texter, who's too private for my own taste, just for my own sanity. Going to always trust my gut feeling.

 

With all due respect I don't think you evaluated this in the right way. The issue wasn't that he was a non-texter- it was why he wasn't into texting and that's likely because he has a girlfriend. If you need someone who wants to text to give you continuous reassurance when he first meets you that he's interested then I wouldn't date right now if I were you. Or, if you only want to get to know someone through the method of constant texting about minutae of your day then understand that's fairly rigid on your part. And of course it weeds out people who like to get to know people in person, who might have very focused careers or academic studies where they must put the phone aside so as not to get distracted, etc. Just consider it. Someone can text you all day and be a very private person -he'll simply text about impersonal stuff.

[HeartGoesOn]

By talking, I meant dating and seeing someone/hanging out. So last night, he sent a text saying "I think we should stop talking, you're cool but the arguing gets old after so long.

 

I always thought "talking" was talking, and "dating" was dating. Not to go off topic, but I guess I'm out of the loop.

[Batya33]

I always thought "talking" was talking, and "dating" was dating. Not to go off topic, but I guess I'm out of the loop.

I've seen this used a lot and the issue I have with it is that it sort of melds talking into "dating" and that causes all sorts of unrealistic expectations -for example if you're "talking" but only been on one actual date - you might tell yourself "but we were talking for over a month and he "ghosted"! For example.