My boyfriend just admitted he had sex with someone almost a year and a half ago?

[florida1995]

My boyfriend and I have almost been together 2 years. We are both juniors in college now and started dating the summer going into sophomore year. After 5 months of dating, I broke up with my boyfriend for not spending as much time as I wanted with me, I admit pretty stupid. We were working things out for like 3 weeks, when one night we got into a really big fight and I told him he was stupid, gross, etc (I admit I WAS WRONG). The next day after the fight, he came to talk to me and I told him I didn't want to. SO he ended up going out that night, got drunk, and had sex with someone he had sex with previous to us being together. He never told me this, until this past weekend because he felt that our relationship was at the best place it has ever been and he finally thought I should know. I am so heartbroken and pretty distraught because I can't believe he lied for so long. He told me he was just scared I was going to leave him and never talk to me again and that he has changed so much and thinks that him going through all of that, has helped him realize how much he loves me. I will admit, that my boyfriend the last couple of months has been everything I've ever wanted him to be, I can't name one thing wrong with him except the fact that he lied to my face, which hurts. I know he has changed, and I (and him) are 100% he would never do that again. He tells me its that we were only dating for 5 months and he never thought we were going to be this serious and he just did not care as much as he does now, which is understandable I guess. I love him so much and I am just scared I won't be over to get over this because I am overthinking too much, or making it seem like he did the worst thing possible. Please help, and give me what you would do in this situation. And maybe GUYS tell me what probably was his perspective on all this? He was 19 when this happened by the way and he had just moved to FSU and just joined a fraternity (which I think was getting to his head lol).

[Wiseman2]

He didn't have to confess what happened when you were broken up, but now that he did you have to either wrap your head around it or end it. He may have confessed because he felt guilty.

[nutbrownhare]

Have I read this right? You'd broken up with him, fought with him, refused to see him when he wanted to talk to you... and then he had sex with someone else?

 

Sorry, but once you break up with someone who they sleep with (or not) is none of your business. He owed you nothing, especially after he'd made the effort to talk to you, and you'd rejected him.

 

This is no more relevant to your current situation - which sounds great, and getting better! - than the people you'd dated before you'd actually met. Let it go. He's telling you now because he doesn't want there to be any secrets between you - and it shows how committed he is to the relationship.

 

It doesn't sound from your post as though it was anything other than a one-night stand in any case. If he were still seeing the girl, that would be different. All this happened a year and a half ago; let it stay where it belongs - firmly in the past!

[melancholy123]

The fact he was 19 is why he did what he did...either get over it or you will have to break up.

[florida1995]

@wiseman i actually think it was necessary for him to tell me. I asked him probably over 300 times if anything happened with this girl because I was aware that he slept at her house because I had his location at the time. He denied for over a year saying that he just fell asleep there and he was sorry etc. I understand we were technically broken up and we had only been dating for 4 months so it wasn't the BIGGEST DEAL to him as if we probably weren't really in LOVE but it still hurts. he has changed so much now he is AMAZING, so it sucks that I'm dealing with an issue that happened in 2015 now in 2017, when honestly i don't even think he's the same person, i know he would never even do that now.

[florida1995]

@nutbrown yeah no 100% has not spoken to the girl, i think she has a boyfriend now actually. After the day they had sex, he went over again and in the middle of kissing he said that it hit him and he realized he wanted to leave and he came running home to me. I knew he was at her house because he told me, but denied doing anything, but since that day he blocked her number and her on every social media account. I have no doubt it was not a girl he was interested in. He just says he was drunk, she was very flirty, and it was someone he previously had sex with so it was "EASY". It just hurts that I have probably asked over 300 times if anything happened with this girl because I always had this gut feeling and he ALWAYS lied to my face and would say no... for over a year. Then randomly I bring it up one time, and he decides to tell me. I just feel betrayed and that I can't trust him. I know he was scared, and I will say I can be intimidating to his personality, so he just tells me that he didn't want to tell me because he was so scared to lose me.

[Matt3939]

Maybe 300 was the straw and he just finally gave up and said it? And that's the lie

[florida1995]

@matt I do think maybe it was lol. I asked so many times because I ALWAYS HAD a gut feeling, and he said that he felt that he needed to tell me, seeing how stable and great our relationship has been the last 6 months. Maybe he never wanted to tell me because back then we would split up every couple of months, or maybe he didn't think he was so in love with me as he is now, which is understandable. We are very young and maybe he just never saw this as SO serious and now he does.

[florida1995]

The fact he was 19 is why he did what he did...either get over it or you will have to break up.

 

so do you really think so? I like to tell myself that. That he was young, stupid, bound to make a mistake and not think of the long term consequences, thought he finally was single, and well here was this girl I used to have sex with all over me and the girl I love is not talking to me and kicked me out so I am going to do it. I really do think he has learned from his mistakes and woudlnt see him doing this now one bit. Over the last 6 months I think he has matured so much, I am the happiest I have ever been in our relationship. SO it sucks to be dealing with issues that happened in 2015..in 2017, because I just want to enjoy how he is now and not think how bad and unhealthy our relationship used to be and dwell on his mistakes.

[nutbrownhare]

I just want to enjoy how he is now and not think how bad and unhealthy our relationship used to be and dwell on his mistakes.

 

This is how I'd deal with it ^^^. You can't change the past, so learn from it and put it behind you. It sounds as though both of you have grown up and have more to offer each other. I'd let it go, and look forward to the future instead.

[florida1995]

This is how I'd deal with it ^^^. You can't change the past, so learn from it and put it behind you. It sounds as though both of you have grown up and have more to offer each other. I'd let it go, and look forward to the future instead.

 

I am going to try my best, because I know if I broke up with him I would be so stupid because he is exactly the type of guy I want to one day marry. The only thing I am having a hard time with is why he lied to me for so long... its disrespectful to me. I asked him last month and he said no....the month before still said no. It is scary that he can just hide something like that from me. How do I move on from this?

[Jibralta]

He tells me its that we were only dating for 5 months and he never thought we were going to be this serious and he just did not care as much as he does now, which is understandable I guess.

 

I think this shows maturity and a sense of responsibility. He cares about this relationship and wants to be honest with you.

 

I know this confession is a big deal. If my boyfriend confessed something like this to me, my head would be spinning.

 

Ask yourself, what does your boyfriend add to your life NOW? Does he improve it? How reliable is he NOW? Does he make your life better, or is he just sort of arm candy? Because if he really does add to your life in a positive way, then you should try to work around this indiscretion.

[Scoe141]

I asked him probably over 300 times if anything happened with this girl.... I had his location at the time...

 

So you called him stupid, gross etc. then not only harassed, but stalked him as well? And you're wondering why he had sex with someone while the two of you were broken up?

 

I'm wondering why he's giving you a second chance.

[florida1995]

I think this shows maturity and a sense of responsibility. He cares about this relationship and wants to be honest with you.

 

I know this confession is a big deal. If my boyfriend confessed something like this to me, my head would be spinning.

 

Ask yourself, what does your boyfriend add to your life NOW? Does he improve it? How reliable is he NOW? Does he make your life better, or is he just sort of arm candy? Because if he really does add to your life in a positive way, then you should try to work around this indiscretion.

 

Honestly yes. He has changed SO MUCH since last year. He's very open with me, isn't secretive, gives me everything, just is perfect. But like you said, my head is spinning. It's so crazy to know that he was capable of doing that even if it was so long ago and he admits he was so immature and didn't really care much back then. It's just hard I guess to say your relationship hasn't been perfect from the beginning.

[florida1995]

So you called him stupid, gross etc. then not only harassed, but stalked him as well? And you're wondering why he had sex with someone while the two of you were broken up?

 

I'm wondering why he's giving you a second chance.

 

Well. What happened when I called him stupid gross etc was that night before he had sex with this girl, another girl pop kissed him. He immediately came to tell me and I was drunk and blew up. I was just angry that maybe he kissed her etc, just as me and him were finally at a place that we were fixing things. So yes I admit I was harsh and I reacted terrible and if I did not act like that, I'm sure nothing would've ended up happening. And I was not stalking him lol, we share locations on iMessage so it's prettty easy to see that he wasn't home at 6am. So my doubt stemmed from there, and we'll look I was right all along!

[Wiseman2]

Why does he keep telling you about his sexual adventures? Is it to level the field or get back at you for something or just to stir the pot?

[Jibralta]

It's just hard I guess to say your relationship hasn't been perfect from the beginning.

 

Nothing is perfect. Which is why good relationships are so important. Good partners help each other through the difficult, imperfect times in life (of which there are plenty). In any relationship, this is something you learn as you go, through plenty of trial and error (a.k.a. imperfections). So, a rocky beginning is not necessarily a bad foundation.

[florida1995]

Why does he keep telling you about his sexual adventures? Is it to level the field or get back at you for something or just to stir the pot?

 

What has he told me?? He's actually failed to tell me. He told me when that girl pop kissed him immediately because we were working on things to get back together so he thought it was important that i knew.

 

And he lied to me for over a year about having sex with this girl LOL until I finally got it out of him because I told him in order to get closure from that situation I really need him to be honest with me..

[florida1995]

Nothing is perfect. Which is why good relationships are so important. Good partners help each other through the difficult, imperfect times in life (of which there are plenty). In any relationship, this is something you learn as you go, through plenty of trial and error (a.k.a. imperfections). So, a rocky beginning is not necessarily a bad foundation.

 

Thank you for saying this. I tend to think that if at one point we weren't as good as we are now, that I deserve to find someone that treat me amazing from the very beginning and didn't have to take me along for the ride through the "young and immature and mistake" phase. I almost wish we just started dating so we could've just skipped that entire phase with no hard times and stupid break ups that led to big things like this. I guess we both messed up a lot and it's just life. And it was both of our FIRST SERIOUS relationships SO honestly we probably had no idea what we were even doing, or how in love we actually were going to be

[Jibralta]

Lol....

 

NO ONE ESCAPES THE YOUNG AND IMMATURE MISTAKE PHASE

 

(so it's nothing to feel bad about)

[Cleardecisions]

Whatever you do don't act hastily. The knee jerk reaction is expected to be a freaking out. Take some time to think about everything. Its good you came here to get some advice.

 

Like someone said, y'all broke up. He did it when y'all were broken up. It doesn't make it easier to hear he was with someone else, but he didn't cheat. I'm not crazy about him lying repeatedly about doing it, but like you said, he admitted he was in the most comfortable place with the relationship at this time, so he felt it right to confess. All the subsequent actions he took to remove this girl from the picture are good signs. Telling you is a shock to the system, but at the end of the day a good sign.

 

This is where you have to determine things on your own. We don't know he true connection y'all have. It sounds like a good one though. But you can be the only judge of if you can get past it. Immediately after hearing t isn't he time to make the decision. Talk it out. Take some time. You will make the right choice.

 

Good luck.

[ParisPaulette]

I'm going to say this sounds like something you can both work through IF you will let the past go and only deal with the person in front of you. You were broken up, he was probably hurting, so he slept with someone else hoping it would make him feel better. And then it didn't, but he was scared you'd want nothing to do with him if he told you the truth. And he'd probably have never said anything BUT he has a conscience and doesn't feel good with continuing to deceive you. This all actually works in his favor, weirdly enough. I'm normally the first to say dump them if chronic lying has happened.

 

But in this case a) you weren't together at the time b) you were pretty harsh on him back then so yeah you aren't perfect in this either c) technically he could've slept with half the town and he would not have owed you any explanation of what he did when you weren't together and d) he feels crappy enough about lying to you that he finally came clean, not because he got caught or outed, but because he wants to be honest with you.

 

That is kind of a big deal. Lying is easy for some, apparently it isn't for him, not forever anyways. This is a good thing. If your relationship has continued to improve, if he's not shown you any red flags, you don't have any reason to doubt him then I'm going to say that maybe you can get couples counseling or just talk it out further and then let it go.

 

I don't say this very often on here, but this sounds like he really doesn't want to lose you and while he may have been kind of dumb about it at the time, I don't see enough of an issue here for you to walk away. Get some counseling or talk to him more, not less, then work together to put this in the past.

[florida1995]

I'm going to say this sounds like something you can both work through IF you will let the past go and only deal with the person in front of you. You were broken up, he was probably hurting, so he slept with someone else hoping it would make him feel better. And then it didn't, but he was scared you'd want nothing to do with him if he told you the truth. And he'd probably have never said anything BUT he has a conscience and doesn't feel good with continuing to deceive you. This all actually works in his favor, weirdly enough. I'm normally the first to say dump them if chronic lying has happened.

 

But in this case a) you weren't together at the time b) you were pretty harsh on him back then so yeah you aren't perfect in this either c) technically he could've slept with half the town and he would not have owed you any explanation of what he did when you weren't together and d) he feels crappy enough about lying to you that he finally came clean, not because he got caught or outed, but because he wants to be honest with you.

 

That is kind of a big deal. Lying is easy for some, apparently it isn't for him, not forever anyways. This is a good thing. If your relationship has continued to improve, if he's not shown you any red flags, you don't have any reason to doubt him then I'm going to say that maybe you can get couples counseling or just talk it out further and then let it go.

 

I don't say this very often on here, but this sounds like he really doesn't want to lose you and while he may have been kind of dumb about it at the time, I don't see enough of an issue here for you to walk away. Get some counseling or talk to him more, not less, then work together to put this in the past.

 

Well actually let me get more into detail. He never admitted that he slept in her bed until I caught him because his story didn't make sense and he finally told me. Then more months he lied and said nothing happened until I messaged the girl and she said that something did happen that night but didn't say anything else. So he told me "they just made out". For months this is what I believed... until he finally told me they had sex because I said I knew there was no way he was being serious about not. So that's when he told me look we're in a good place and I know I need to tell you so we had sex etc. but at first he did lie for a WHILE, because he said he was scared to lose me etc. I guess from how I previously reacted to things, I would say I've definitely gotten much better at this. But again this whole incident is just so long ago it sucks. But thank you a lot for your opinion honestly. I'm always scared that I'll look stupid for staying but you've helped me feel better by saying that many times you don't suggest to, but with this situation that's your opinion. My mom, family, and friends all have the same opinion as you especially because they noticed how much he's changed.

[leseine7]

Hmm... Okay so as the story has evolved in this thread, I feel inclined to say this is something you cannot work through. (Though nothing's impossible). You started off saying that you two had a fight awhile back, you refused to talk to him so he went out, got wasted and hooked up with someone, but did not tell you until just now because "Things are better than ever."

 

That is VERY different from what you explained further - that actually you asked him 300+ times, cornered him when there was a discrepancy in his story and he eventually cracked and told you the truth.

 

Meaning that you have been suspicious and questioning for the bulk of the time you've been together in the past year and this relationship is NOT actually all that strong. Mainly, you don't trust him - he has now confirmed your fears, which means that anytime he's out, or you two are in a fight, or you have a similar "bad feeling" about how much time he's spending in the future... you are going to assume the worst, question him and start the cycle over and over.

 

For me, cheating is not the end of the world. It can happen once, be a mistake, and really never happen again. But someone deliberately lying to me over and over is not a match for me. In this case, it doesn't sound like he technically CHEATED, seeing as you broke it off and were refusing to see him. But can you maintain a relationship with someone who could lie to you so much before eventually being forced to come clean? And can you stay in a relationship where this is probably always going to be in the back of your mind? It also sounds like you had insecurities about him from the get-go, if you were able to dump him for not spending much time with you.

[nutbrownhare]

It sounds as though you're not going to get past this, no matter what anyone on here says. If you can't get past it, then leave the relationship.

 

He was not actually cheating on you. What he did when you two were broken up is none of your business, especially as you had dumped HIM, but you still felt justified in grilling him repeatedly. He's telling you now because he doesn't want this incident to cloud your relationship. He didn't tell you before because he didn't want the incident to cloud your relationship. He can't win. It shouldn't have clouded your relationship in the first place, but you've assumed you were entitled to police him even when you were broken up. You were not. How would you have reacted if he'd told you all along that it was none of your business?

 

And, heck, it was a long time ago. It almost looks as though you're trying to find something to beat him with and sabotage your relationship; I don't know if you're familiar with Eric Berne's "Games People Play", but this scenario is a game. It's even got a name: "Now I've got you - son of a b***h!" and it's a killer.

 

I'm also a great believer in not asking questions where you don't want to know the answer (unless, of course, it happened while you two WERE together, but that's not the case here). Your repeated questioning of him was as destructive to your relationship as repeatedly demanding to know details of a partner's sexual past - and then exploding when you got the answer.

 

If I were you, I'd draw a veil over it and move on with the relationship.