Problems staying erect

[Cleardecisions]

Hello everyone.

 

This post is stemming from a post I had in the relationship/dating forums. While that post focused more on the overall relationship, I wanted to get some individual spotlight on what has been bugging me the most. Here it goes:

 

I had gone out with this really really attractive girl 8 times. She is a 10 in my book from a looks perspective. The chemistry is unreal and was every single time we went out. The one detail you need prior to hearing this is we both dont have a suitable home situation where we could have taken this back to our places. She has an awkward dynamic at home. I live with my mom currently. I closed on my first house last week and my lease ran out a few months earlier dont was just happenstance I was living with her.

 

I'll go thru the dates from a physical perspective.

 

1st date: made out for hours the first time ever hanging it with each other. There was alcohol

involved. We both agreed we were great kissers.

 

(We sexted a bit a few days before the first date. She instigated it. Nothing graphic just some playful sexting)

 

2nd date: a lot more making out. We got a little drunk again and she gave me oral in the backseat of my car. She was a bit forward with it, but the connection was again unreal. I used my hand on her. I didn't finish

 

(The following day we were sexting a bit again. She sent me a nude pic. First one ever for me. I asked for it in a half joking way)

 

3rd date: a lot of making out. No alcohol. We didn't do anything past that but the situation didn't really allow for it.

 

(More sexting the day between our 3rd and 4th date. We exchanged pictures. Mine wasn't full frontal, but barely had a towel covering)

 

4th date: we drink a bit, not too much. Making out the whole night again. Again the connection is unreal. We drop the I like you on each other earlier in the night. We cant go more than a minute without kissing. I am erect most of the time we are making out. She touches it from the outside a few times. We hop in the backseat of my car and I use my hand again on her. She gives me oral. No issues with erection. I don't finish.

 

(Playful sexting during the day)

 

5th date: Thursday. we go out to dinner. 2 glasses of wine each, that's it. We get a hotel room(my first time ever for this type of scenario). We fool around for a while. Her body is ungodly. My ideal type. Foreplay abound. No issues with erection during any of that. We both perform oral. I prematured a bit when she was going down on me. She is extremely good at it. I think I was bubbling over from the night before too. I don't think she noticed somehow. We keep fooling around and making out until I am good to go again. We perform more oral. It comes time for the big event. I stick it in for maybe 5-7 seconds and I feel myself about to blow, so I pull out and premature again. Again I don't think she notices based on the positioning. We go back to a little fooling around. I try to get ready to go again. I definitely get hard. We sort of try again, but for whatever reason it just doesn't happen. The details get a little hazy to be honest. We end up cuddling and she mentioned it was fine. It'll just be that much better when it happens (which was going to be this weekend because we were staying at my bayhouse). We wake up the next morning and she performs oral on me again but I don't finish. I use my hand on her and we just continue to cuddle. I can't remember if we tried to have sex that morning. I lean towards saying we didn't.

 

(A little light sexting during the day)

 

6th date: I pick her up after work at 10. We head to my bayhouse. No alcohol involved. We jump straight in bed. It was pretty late and we were both really tired from a long week of work and we were out until 4am 3 of those nights. We fooled around a bit. She performed oral on me. Again she is very good at it. I push her away a few times bc I feel it coming. She says it's fine and I go. She cleans up well (sorry I don't know how to phrase some of these things in a non graphic way lol). we pass out like 5 minutes later. We didn't try that night as far as I can remember. We wake up the next morning and fool around and she performs oral yet again. I am fully erect the whole time. I use my hand on her. We spoon and I get VERY close to getting it in but I can't find the spot. She calls me a tease, although that isn't my intention. I play it cool and I'm like hah yep.

 

Later that day, 7th date kinda: we have a great relaxing day on the pier and we get lunch. We pick up some tequila on the way back. We maybe have one drink each. We are in the kitchen fooling around. She says she can't even look at me she wants me so bad. She gives me oral in the kitchen of the bayhouse. I use my hand. I am fully erect this whole time. We move to the bed in the early evening. We had been talking about it for the previous few hours while fooling around. We go through the foreplay.

 

Its time for the MAIN EVENT. I am erect while we get warmed up. She is moaning just from drying humping. She pulls down my briefs. I almost immediately go soft. She tries to warm me back up. I start to get there. When she goes to stick it in, I soften up again. She was a bit disappointed from what I could tell. Understandable of course. We kind of stop there. She says I guess I will go put some clothes on. I am extremely disappointed obviously. I don't know what to tell her. I kinda of hint here and there that's it's been a while for me since the last time (6-7 years, although I didn't tell her how long) I'm trying to find some reasonable excuses. I do reveal to her that I have only had legitimate sex with one other girl, my ex girlfriend of about a year, and that I just view sex as a big step and I have to completely be at ease with the situation. All of this is mostly true, but I would have had sex in a split second if my body would have let me, so its definitely an internal conflict. Plus I had been talking as if it were going to happen throughout the week. I stress as best I could that this has nothing whatsoever to do with her. This is all me. She says it's a good thing you haven't been with a lot of people. That she hasn't been with a lot of guys either.

 

I'm acting a little off at this point, although I don't know how much of that was displaying outwardly. She maintained it wasn't a big deal, although she immediately did put clothes back on, which I took as a bad sign based on the previous 2 nights sleeping completely naked.

 

This has been an issue in the past with me. I couldn't perform the 2-3 times with the girlfriend I had before the girlfriend I had regular sex with 6-7 years ago. I was 20 and 21 years old respectively in those 2 relationships. With that previous girlfriend we only dated for 3 months and there were some trust issues. She had some pretty absurd sexual encounters in high school that I became aware of, and it made me view her differently. The girlfriend I dated for a year, the ability to perform was maybe an issue 1 out of every 5 times we tried. I have never been a stallion in the sack, but I was at least able to perform most of the time anywhere from 5 up to my personal record of close to an hour.

 

So anyway, back to the present situation. I know I mentioned at some point its definitely happening tonight. Its only 7:30-8 so I suggested going out to clear the air. She wasn't crazy about it, but said she will if I want to. (I needed it to clear the air. I was full to the brim by this point to the point where it hurt a little and I was feeling awkward tension. Could have been all in my head though) I was still acting a bit off I felt like. She was getting ready and I was kind of pacing around, to the point where she asked if everything was okay. I didn't know which way to react. Obviously I was distraught and feel I had ruined what was a great budding relationship/romance, but didn't want to get all serious with a person I had only been seeing for 2-3 weeks. So I just said something that as a man, it's impossible to not feel a little frustrated with the way things played out. We went out to a local bar. I felt awkward. I couldn't really gauge what she was feeling. The atmosphere was certainly not what it had been every other second we had spent together to that point. But again, could have been 99% in my head). We go for literally one drink then head home. We get back and jump in bed. She doesn't try to do anything sexual. She sleeps with a bra and shirt on, again not a good sign to me but whatever. Once in bed, we cozy up to each other and smooch a little. I said so yea I guess that was our first official awkward hour. And she was kind of like "it was awkward?" I think I covered decently. I mentioned it meant a lot that she was okay with the whole no sex thing. We talked and kissed for a bit then passed out.

 

I woke up an hour later and starting getting major anxiety that I had ruined everything. I barely sleep the whole night. The fear that this sex issue was still a problem for me years and years later(I went 6 years without having a single opportunity for a sexual encounter, so was hoping it was in the past, but it obviously wasn't)

 

We don't really cuddle that night. We do wake up the next morning and cuddle and kiss for a few hours though. That made me feel a lot better and more at ease that I was way overblowing it.

 

That same morning (now Sunday) i find out about something that needs to be mentioned. (She was in a 3 yr relationship, and they had broken up only a month and a half earlier. I knew about this after maybe our second date). Anyway, she woke up to 50 text messages from this guy and he had friend requested me on facebook. She mentioned getting some texts from him days earlier on Friday and I had an inkling this ex bf situation was more apparent than I originally thought, but this was confirmation that there was still some sort of unusual dynamic going on there. I saw her check her phone once or twice during the night (bc I was awake of course) but didn't know for sure it was from him. Now I knew. She was visibly upset by the texts. We end up getting breakfast and we kiss a bunch more before parting ways.

 

She texts me later that day saying she already can't wait to see me again. I say I'm here if she needs anything bc she has to deal with her ex and she says you're the best. I thought I was getting friend zoned in a weird way bc of the sex thing.

 

That following weeks the texts were noticeably less flirtatious. Granted the week before we spent Saturday Monday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday together so there was always something to discuss. We sent a few flirt texts mid week. She mentioned that it was good we don't work near each other bc she could definitely see some midday visits occurring. I asked her to dinner that Thursday. She said yes when I asked her the day before, but kind of flaked out Thursday bc her brain was friend from work. I said no problem and that I know she has a lot going on (implying dealing with the ex) and maybe we could hangout that weekend, which coincidentally was my birthday weekend which she was aware of. She said definitely and that she couldn't wait to kiss on me again and that she was going to stare at my sexy pic for hours. Figured all was good.

 

Saturday rolls around. The texting is a little strange. She asks what I am doing. I tell her planning on doing something with you. Suggest dinner and drinks. See below = her)

 

S: This is your birthday celebration. You don't want to go to the casino or something?

M: Actually I like that idea! Lets do it. Pack a bag and be ready to go around 6!

***S: Pack a bag? I can't stay there.***

S could invite your friends and I'll pay for you all to stay down there tonight. Could be fun.

M: Without you?

S: I have to work in the morning. I'd go hang out tonight, though.

R: I want to spend time with you tonight. Maybe we should just stay local if you are worried about work in the morning.

S: No, I want you to have a fun night. We'll get to hang out.

R: I didn't plan anything with my friends tonight.

You don't want them to join?

S: It's up to you, boo. I just want you to have a blast!

M: I think we have had just a little bit of fun together before so lets stick with dinner and downtown tonight!

S: Hmm. Ok.

S: You don't want to do anything? Not even Chuck E Cheese??

M: Now that is tempting right there..

M literally up for anything. Just looking forward to seeing you. Never been a huge birthday guy outside of skating rink parties up until I was 14 and getting way too drunk on my 21st.

S sorry if I'm making this a big deal...but it's your birthday weekend! You've gotta do something you normally wouldn't do.

M: I'm just typically more low key. Golf outing with the boys or dinner with friends or family. My birthday has always been during spring break up until 3 years ago so something was always going on already.

M: But you are right, and I like you are trying to think outside the box!

S: I just don't want to force you to do something you don't want to do. And it also sucks that I have to work tomorrow.

M: There isn't much I wouldn't be up for. I really like the casino idea, but we always get a room so we don't have to drive back. I know you would volunteer to DD, but drinking at a casino is pretty much a requirement.

M: Plus the drinks are freeee

S: I'm happy to stay soberish. I can drink when we first get there, and stop in time to sober up.

M: Okay lets do it.

S: Awesome. Still wanna go around 6?

 

So I take this line of texting as her trying to get out of going. She had already sort of blown me off 2 days earlier. We have an amazing time a week ago and all of a sudden she can't stay the night with me over there? She mentioned having to work, but we could have easily been back in time by 9:30. We basically did the same the weekend before, albeit that was about half the distance has the casino was.

 

Anyway we go. Just me and her. We have a great great time. Making out on the way there. Same old chemistry and connection as before. Around 11pm she goes to what I thought was the bathroom. She comes back and her demeanor has completely changed. She says she has to go soon. The ex bf and his mom are texting her saying she can't do this to her son. That he's contemplating suicide. I try to talk her out of leaving and tells her she doesn't have to cave to his bull, but despite my best efforts we end up leaving. I'm upset. This was my birthday night.

 

We sort of return to some normalcy on the way home. She gives me oral on the way back. I finish. She mentions how good it will feel when it finally happens. We flirty talk a bit more. We part ways.

 

This is how the texts have gone since:

 

 

Sunday:

 

S: Happy Birthdaaaay...again! Hope you're having an amazing day; you deserve it! Thank you for an incredible night last night! You just keep getting better and better!

M: Thank you boo. You are definitely sitting that cute butt down at a table next time though! I always enjoy getting to spend time with you and hopefully we can see each other soon.

 

Monday:

 

M: Hope you're having a good Monday. I'm thinking about you!

S: I have to keep remembering that I don't hate Mondays anymore. I hope your old age isn't hindering your performance at work too much today! Missing you!!!

M: At least I didn't get carded at the casino youngen! Have fun at job 2. Hopefully it wont be too slow for you tonight.

 

Tuesday:

 

S: Hope you're having a great day, handsome!

M: Thanks cutie. Been busy all day, but nothing too crazy. How has your day been?

 

Friday:

 

M: Hey! Haven't talked to you in a few days. I know there is a lot to deal with right now, just making sure you're okay.

S: I've definitely been missing you! Have you had a good week? This week has just been super busy, not bad, but busy. I don't think I'll be able to keep up both gigs much longer.

M: Pretty busy week over here too. Sounds like they could use you at the office past 4 as well, so I don't blame you for dropping kog sooner than later. Any idea when you will put in your 2 weeks?

 

Monday:

 

S: Happy Monday! Hope you had an awesomely relaxing weekend.. or at least a fun one! I may need to call you soon to get my Ryan fix...because I may or may not be missing you a little bit...

M: Was recovering a bit Saturday after st Patrick's day, but had a pretty relaxing weekend after that. It would be great to see you soon though! Let me know when you are free and maybe we can plan something

 

Wednesday:

 

M: Might need to do this again soon..(sent her a picture of the pier at my bay house at sunset)

S: I would looove that

S: That was such an amazing weekend

 

Thursday:

 

M: Want to meet up for a drink tonight or set something up for this weekend? We need to work on this whole missing each other thing..

S been the worst lately; I'm so sorry! Unfortunately, I'm pulling another late night at the office tonight and I'm going out of town this weekend. Life has just gotten way too busy all of a sudden!

M: Maybe some other time.

 

 

I'm sorry i had to dig into the ex bf thing, but I had to provide some context.

 

 

 

NOW BACK TO THE SEX PART OF THIS

 

 

here is a little background on me:

 

-I'm 29, good looking according to others. Fit.

-I'm roughly 6.5-7 inches full erect.

-I take adderall 5 days a week

-I used to smoke marijuana everyday for the past 6 years(also a big reason why I didn't have any sexual encounters for that period of time) up until about a month and a half ago(oddly enough this girl motivated me to m, although I have been contemplating doing so for a while and was just looking for a good enough reason)

-I masturbate 4-5 times a week. Never twice in a day. Sometimes a problem staying hard between videos but not typical.

 

 

So there are 3 major questions I have for you all now that you have made it this far:

 

1. Any insight as to what could be causing the erection issues? (I know adderall and weed can lead to issues with that, although I never had an issue masturbating or with foreplay while on adderall. Yes I know what whiskey is too, but I barely had an alchohol the nights we tried)

 

 

2. Could the sex situation have played any role in her getting more despondent and backing off even though she gave me oral a week later and talked about sex a few times post the sex issue?

 

3. Kind of plays off question 2, but is the ex bf the only reason she has backed off?

 

 

I thank you for taking the time to read this, and profusely apologize to wiseman since he already knows the full story and has commented on this part of it. Just want to analyze the sex situation and certainly gain some further insight into how important this element is in my particular story. This thread is to certainly to get some advice on the erection issue first and foremost.

 

If you want the full rundown as to the whole situation, check out my other post.

 

These forums have really helped me deal with the other end of all this drama! Thanks again!

[Dahl]

I think that you would be best served by making an appointment with your/a doctor and discussing being referred to a specialist - my guess is an urologist to explore your concerns about ED.

 

I'm wondering about the effect of the medication that you are on, as well as the possibility that the reason(s) you are taking it may be contributing to your physical dilemma.

 

I read your post carefully and I had also followed your other thread. Please know that I am not dismissing you or the specific details you describe in relation to the situation with this particular woman, at all.

 

My advice is based on my belief that this woman is incidental to the issue. I'm not judging her or your experience with her and I appreciate that you are taking pains to separate the circumstances of your interactions with her from your primary question in this thread.

 

I hope that you will speak with your doctor because I think that you deserve concrete answers to your questions and concerns about your physical condition, again, nothing to do with any individual partner.

 

You also absolutely deserve to be treated with sensitivity, compassion and respect and we will certainly do that for you, here. In no way do I mean to discourage you from utilizing the forum. On the contrary, I sincerely hope that you will continue to post here and keep us updated.

 

My worry is that we will not be able to effectively offer the concrete answers and professional analysis that you need and ought, of course, to have. I think that can only come from a professional source and in person evaluation.

 

You strike me as a nice guy and I continue to feel the same way as I wrote in your other thread - as far as your interaction with the woman you reference, I think that the difficulties were not with you, or your potential ED, and I do not believe that you did anything wrong or untoward.

 

I do think that this will not resolve for you without your addressing the physical concerns, regardless of the feedback we can provide you about the situation between you and the woman.

 

I hope you will consider bringing this to your doctor and I wish you the best of luck!

[Cleardecisions]

Thank you for that very nice response Dahl. I started seeing a psychologist a few weeks ago, and have a urology appointment in a few weeks as well. I am also scheduled to see a professional psychiatrist for a full evaluation and to determine if any medication is necessary. I think the combination of how this relationship has gone paired with me having stopped marijuana have brought out a lot of emotions that were masked for so long. Marijuana was my main relationship for several years. I'm ready to get myself in a much better and positive place. I have always had trouble coping with things. I am intellectually very mature, but socially immature. I feel like I realize things now that would have helped me 3-4 years ago. Its always been like that.

 

 

Just for arguments sake, I'm wondering, if you factor out the entire ex bf side of this (and trust me it's a big big component, that we have certainly established), would this cause a woman who you had been out on several dates with and one you had great physical and personal chemistry with to lose interest in a guy that quickly?

[Dahl]

Speaking solely for myself, my personal experience as a woman and in the context of the question you pose, precisely, if you were my sexual partner, I would *not* be put off by what you describe.

 

My thinking would be, the chemistry is good, the intelligent, playful and appropriately conscious platform you seem to structure to allow dialog on the matter and now knowing that you are proactive in seeking answers and resolution in this matter would all make me feel reasonably assured that this is not going to be an issue you won't or cannot manage.

 

Again, exclusively for my own devices, if I were comfortable with and interested in becoming physically intimate with you, I would already feel such an affinity with you that I would be able to easily switch my focus to other aspects of intimate activities.

 

On a related note, I am impressed with how comprehensive and productive you are being in your approach! Good on you. Please do keep us updated!

[Wiseman2]

Why are you in cars and motels? Are you using condoms/protection? Why pull out?

 

Too much alcohol if you are having ED, too much foreplay if you are having PE.

 

Are you inexperienced? There seems to be too much "fooling around"and too much alcohol/anxiety.

1st date was alcohol involved.

2nd date: We got a little drunk again

4th date: we drink a bit, not too much. She gives me oral. No issues with erection. I don't finish.

5th date:2 glasses of wine each. I pull out and premature again.

6th date: I pick her up after work at 10. We jump straight in bed. we pass out like 5 minutes later.

7th date kinda pick up some tequila on the way back. We maybe have one drink each.

When she goes to stick it in, I soften up again.

[Cleardecisions]

We are in cars and hotels because her ex bf was probably still living with her, or what have you. She had a very strange home dynamic with the exes mom if you recall

my other thread. We couldn't go back to my place because I live with mom temporarily.

 

There was just fooling around/foreplay the first few times because of location and maybe just not wanting to take the big step on the first few times we went out.

 

There may be a bit too much foreplay you are right. I guess I never thought of that. Ive always liked a fair amount because I am usually a little hesitant for the sex because of said reasons.

 

Yes I am definitely inexperienced. I have only had sex with 1 other girl and that was my ex from about 6-7 years ago. I told her I only had sex with 1 person but not how long it had been.

 

Alcohol could certainly be playing a role, but we really didn't have that much. 2 glasses with dinner Thursday and less than one tequila drink Saturday which I sipped over several hours.

 

Anxiety over performance and finishing too quickly would be the much bigger player in that I feel. I think it was worse that Saturday because of not being able to perform a few days before

[Wiseman2]

Ok cut down on alcohol too much foreplay and get some decent privacy. Why are you having sex with someone who lives with her BF?

 

You need to get your own place, that would help also: "im 29, obviously single, college graduate with a steady professional job".

We are in cars and hotels because her ex bf was probably still living with her. We couldn't go back to my place because I live with mom.

[Cleardecisions]

Speaking solely for myself, my personal experience as a woman and in the context of the question you pose, precisely, if you were my sexual partner, I would *not* be put off by what you describe.

 

My thinking would be, the chemistry is good, the intelligent, playful and appropriately conscious platform you seem to structure to allow dialog on the matter and now knowing that you are proactive in seeking answers and resolution in this matter would all make me feel reasonably assured that this is not going to be an issue you won't or cannot manage.

 

Again, exclusively for my own devices, if I were comfortable with and interested in becoming physically intimate with you, I would already feel such an affinity with you that I would be able to easily switch my focus to other aspects of intimate activities.

 

On a related note, I am impressed with how comprehensive and productive you are being in your approach! Good on you. Please do keep us updated!

 

Hah, well thanks. I guess the only thing I would need to clarify based on your response is that I made no mention to her of seeking professional help. I did sort of drop little hints prior to sex that its been a while for me and we may need to take it slow. Then when I couldn't perform I was scrambling for some non pathetic excuse and came up with telling her that I have only had sex with one other girl, and that sex is just a big step for me, and I have to be completely comfortable and relaxed. I don't know if that is a legitimate enough reason or not that I physically couldn't perform, but I didn't want to act like (at that point) that it was something I needed professional help with, because I thought that might lead her to believe it was a bigger problem than just the 2 times we tried that weekend. What do you think though? Would you have bought the reasons I gave her?

[WithLove]

I think your ED is partly nervousness and partly too much foreplay.

 

 

In regards to the girl, why aren't all these red flags making you think twice about getting involved with her?

1) She's only been out of her relationship for something like a month and a half, I think you said.

2) The ex is still hanging around/contacting her

3) The ex's mother is still around

4) She flaked on you more than once and used other reasons that her ex as her excuse

5) She agreed to go on a weekend excursion after only a few dates/days of knowing you

6) Too much too fast

 

And this is just from this thread! I haven't even read the other one.

 

Get out of this mess before you get sucked into the drama, dude. If you and she are still interested months down the road, after she's out of the ex's mom's place, drawn appropriate boundary lines with the ex, and has had time to process the break-up, then start over at that time.

[Cleardecisions]

I think your ED is partly nervousness and partly too much foreplay.

 

 

In regards to the girl, why aren't all these red flags making you think twice about getting involved with her?

1) She's only been out of her relationship for something like a month and a half, I think you said.

2) The ex is still hanging around/contacting her

3) The ex's mother is still around

4) She flaked on you more than once and used other reasons that her ex as her excuse

5) She agreed to go on a weekend excursion after only a few dates/days of knowing you

6) Too much too fast

 

And this is just from this thread! I haven't even read the other one.

 

Get out of this mess before you get sucked into the drama, dude. If you and she are still interested months down the road, after she's out of the ex's mom's place, drawn appropriate boundary lines with the ex, and has had time to process the break-up, then start over at that time.

 

Not saying I disagree with your list but just to counterpoint:

 

1) yea it was probably exactly 2 months when we basically spent that whole week together. But she was the one eager to hang out. I was sort of going with the flow and picking up on the hints she put out there. We were very very into each other. I get the honeymoon phase and infatuation period and all that. Been thru that. This was different.

 

4) maybe she didn't want to scare me off by saying her ex was the reason she couldn't hang out?

 

5) that sort of evolved on a whim. We spent that night Thursday night together in the hotel. She mentioned at dinner that night that her ex's mom had showed up unexpectedly and we couldn't stay there. (i think we had both assumed that was where that night was going to end when setting up the date the day before). While in bed that Friday morning, if we wanted to stay at my bayhouse Friday we could. (My bayhouse was only 10 minutes away, so it was basically functioning as my house for all intents and purposes). She had plans with her friends Saturday but they bailed. We just sort didnt have a reason to separate Saturday so she stayed another night with me.

 

6) I dont know if I am arguing but the connection was just that real. I knew it would have to dial back from there because she works 75 hours a week.

 

Last thing is the mom 99% wasn't living there. From what I have gathered she lives in the same neighborhood. I honestly think the set up was when they broke up, he lived with his mom for a minute. When he found out we were together, he started coming around a whole lot more. Maybe even guilted her enough to stay there in some capacity. Dude is clearly unstable.

 

I know none of this will change your advice, but just want to paint a little more color.

[Cleardecisions]

Ok cut down on alcohol too much foreplay and get some decent privacy. Why are you having sex with someone who lives with her BF?

 

You need to get your own place, that would help also: "im 29, obviously single, college graduate with a steady professional job".

 

I wasn't really aware at the time if they were living together. I only found out there was more to that dynamic that Friday we went to my bayhouse, technically the 6th date time we saw each other. I didn't find out he was psychotic until the Sunday after the sex thing when we woke up to 50 texts from him and him friend requesting me on facebook even though he didn't know who I was.

 

I just closed on my house last week. My lease on my apartment ran out in November, so I was living with mom for a couple months between that and buying the house.

[WithLove]

Not saying I disagree with your list but just to counterpoint:

 

1) yea it was probably exactly 2 months when we basically spent that whole week together. But she was the one eager to hang out. I was sort of going with the flow and picking up on the hints she put out there. We were very very into each other. I get the honeymoon phase and infatuation period and all that. Been thru that. This was different.

 

4) maybe she didn't want to scare me off by saying her ex was the reason she couldn't hang out?

 

5) that sort of evolved on a whim. We spent that night Thursday night together in the hotel. She mentioned at dinner that night that her ex's mom had showed up unexpectedly and we couldn't stay there. (i think we had both assumed that was where that night was going to end when setting up the date the day before). While in bed that Friday morning, if we wanted to stay at my bayhouse Friday we could. (My bayhouse was only 10 minutes away, so it was basically functioning as my house for all intents and purposes). She had plans with her friends Saturday but they bailed. We just sort didnt have a reason to separate Saturday so she stayed another night with me.

 

6) I dont know if I am arguing but the connection was just that real. I knew it would have to dial back from there because she works 75 hours a week.

 

Last thing is the mom 99% wasn't living there. From what I have gathered she lives in the same neighborhood. I honestly think the set up was when they broke up, he lived with his mom for a minute. When he found out we were together, he started coming around a whole lot more. Maybe even guilted her enough to stay there in some capacity. Dude is clearly unstable.

 

I know none of this will change your advice, but just want to paint a little more color.

 

You're making excuses for her because she's good looking and you have a connection with her. But red flags are red flags, in my opinion. Do you think anyone would settle for these if you were the one with a crazy ex, only been single for 2 months, woke up to 50 texts from someone that should have been blocked?

[Wiseman2]

And gives out a lot of bjs. He doesn't care that she lives with her bf.

You're making excuses for her because she's good looking and you have a connection with her. But red flags are red flags, in my opinion.

[Cleardecisions]

Yes i actually would. But I am much more open. And maybe that's the difference. If she were more open I think that would show that she is trying to move on and is willing to open up bc there truly isn't anything there except him being crazy and her being a nice person. But I guess that's a red flag in and of itself. She hasn't been more open so she is probably hiding something. But again, to keep contradicting myself, some people just aren't open about that stuff, escpecially with someone they are potentially interested in for the fear it may scare them off.

 

This is why I want to reach out to her. For some closure good or bad. Get an honest answer out of her. I can see thru the BS now and won't just brush off nonsensical answers just because I'm so smitten with her. So if I know she isn't being honest then that's my answer right there, and what do I have to lose? But on the off chance she is just so lost with everything and the situation is so toxic, I want to show her how much I care and am willing to be there for her. Either way I know for better or worse, and can move on quicker knowing the truth. The thing that would help me move on the most is if she was back with him (obviously) or said they are trying to work things out or what have you.

 

But I need to be clear about one thing that I am sure of. The ONLY reason I wouldn't reach out to her is to show it's no big deal that we aren't talking so she can come reach out to me at some point. I know a lot of you will say I'm an idiot, but I need to be honest about that. I want her to come back, which at that point some sort of conversation would have to be had as to what has been going on. I wouldn't just resume business as usual as if nothing had happened and not talking for a week and getting blown off was normal. Unfortunately that may be a while or never considering if they are back together or not. So I'm leaning towards reaching out, but am obviously gun shy bc I don't want to ruin whatever slim chance there is of her coming to grips and contacting me.

[cherubrock]

The texts seem very generic and like you guys only mostly have a "sexual" relationship...

[Cleardecisions]

The texts seem very generic and like you guys only mostly have a "sexual" relationship...

 

Read my other thread and you will see it was a lot more than that. The non sex chemistry was better than the physical, and she was he one instigating a lot of that talk.

[Cleardecisions]

And gives out a lot of bjs. He doesn't care that she lives with her bf.

 

I do care and that would obviously need to change very soon, assuming they do in fact still fully live with each other.

 

I do agree she's probably not ready to date. I guess that would be another question though. Is there a middle ground between not progressing towards dating/relationship but not completely cutting contact if there is a mutual connection and good chemistry?

[WithLove]

Not really, because two people that are interested in each other won't settle for just talking for very long.

[HeartGoesOn]

Is there a middle ground between not progressing towards dating/relationship but not completely cutting contact if there is a mutual connection and good chemistry?

 

Unless I'm missing something, I think that "middle ground" you're referring to is called FWB's. Either way, this entire scenario seems to be more about sex, and very little to do with dating.

 

Also, not to sound harsh but you're sinking to a low level by getting involved with this girl who is still living with her ex boyfriend. Why settle for that?

[Cleardecisions]

Unless I'm missing something, I think that "middle ground" you're referring to is called FWB's. Either way, this entire scenario seems to be more about sex, and very little to do with dating.

 

Also, not to sound harsh but you're sinking to a low level by getting involved with this girl who is still living with her ex boyfriend. Why settle for that?

 

If you look at my other thread, it delves way more into the feelings and the other side of things. Gives you an actual text by text depiction of how into each other were were on page 2 of that thread.

 

This thread was more about the sex aspect of it bc I wanted to gain insight into the intimate time we spent. To see if that would off put a girl to the extent she would stop hanging out or get distant. Mainly just to air it out. Of course I also wanted to know if there were any similar experiences or what my particular erection problem might mean. I know y'all aren't medical professionals, but wanted to see if there was any insight nonetheless.

 

As long as she has interest in me and isn't back with him, I'm not saying I'm okay with them still living together partially or whatever. I don't think he is full on living with her, but I believe his mom lives close to her and he drops by frequently. The main unknown here is if they are back together or he is just keeping her locked up emotionally because of the suicide talk and his psychotic behavior. I liked her well before I knew the full dynamics of their relationship, and while I am now very skeptical towards everything, that unfortunately has not changed my affection for her.

 

I don't have much experience in relationships. I have high standards myself in the looks department, bc I am somewhat of a handsome fellow or so I've been told. I am well educated and I carry myself well. I know the caliber of woman I can get, and I'm not saying every one has to be a 10, but they usually are. It has led me to be shallow in the looks department to a degree, with other factors mixed in. I know this sounds ridiculous, but I have a hard time changing this. The first judgement you have a girl is their looks. You have to be attracted to a person. I know that attraction can be formed from other aspects of a women, but it has to stay somewhere. And let me be clear. I know this is not a sound solid way to go about it. I can even say this is the wrong way to go about it. But at the same time it's just the way I feel. I would love to get coaching on how not to be this way, but it's a hard thing to figure out.

 

I also have very few relationships with friends in my life currently. I have rarely had close close friends. I was included in every group in high school, but not part of any one group. I moved when I was 12 across the country from the north to the south, so there were many things both culturally and relationship wise i had to figure out and start from scratch at probably the most pivotal age for an adolescent. My mom was not in a good place for 3-4 years after this move and my dad was not around physically (he was always there for me in every other way though and we are very close today). I had to do a lot of growing up in my own. I didn't learn how to cope well in general, and that has seeped over into my adult life.

 

College was amazing. Did the fraternity thing. Had great close relationships there. But I slacked off big time and stayed in school 3 ears after everyone graduated and started become actually adults. I developed a reputation for being fun but also a lazy piece of . I went thru a deep depression coming to terms with my inability to accept consequences when I was 22-23. Some of that still lingers today, but I am in a good place now in terms of the aesthetic things in life. But I am 3-4 years behind in social maturity bc of it. I have never seen a successful functioning relationship first hand, which is why I feel I have a weird disposition to accepting the drama that comes with this girl. I know it may end hurting me, but to me it's worth the risk.

 

I am simply not like other people. I want relationships both female and just general friendships, but I am very inexperienced in how to maintain them. I am somewhat selfish.

 

I smoked pot for the last 6 years every day. That masked a lot of these feelings and was a way to cope with things. I stopped a month and a half ago when I met this girl(not necessarily bc of her). It was time to grow up. Unfortunately that has unmasked a lot of the social ineptitude I have dealt with.

 

I am great at making friends, but not great at maintaining them. Same with relationships.

 

Sorry I got off tangent here. But I want you all to know more about me. It feels good putting it into words for others to read. I am self aware of a lot of these things obviously or I couldn't have said all the things I just did, but in a way it's worse when you don't necessarily know how to change yourself.

[Wiseman2]

FWB or another nsa arrangement like hookups or booty call. She seems ok with that.

Is there a middle ground between not progressing towards dating/relationship but not completely cutting contact if there is a mutual connection and good chemistry?

[Jibralta]

2. Could the sex situation have played any role in her getting more despondent and backing off even though she gave me oral a week later and talked about sex a few times post the sex issue?

 

3. Kind of plays off question 2, but is the ex bf the only reason she has backed off?

 

Erection issue aside, I get the impression that this girl is married or in a committed relationship of some sort. I wonder if the ex is really an ex. I don't think her behavior has anything to do with the erection issue that you've been having. It sounds like an affair to me. I'll have to check out your other post for more background.

[Cleardecisions]

Erection issue aside, I get the impression that this girl is married or in a committed relationship of some sort. I wonder if the ex is really an ex. I don't think her behavior has anything to do with the erection issue that you've been having. It sounds like an affair to me. I'll have to check out your other post for more background.

 

Please do! I think you will see the whole story. Every text we sent to each other is in there. They definitely weren't married. The only thing you argue is a break or a break up, although I would have to say breaks end in breakups more often than not.

[Jibralta]

Well, I just read your first post, and yeah, I still think it's an affair of some sort. She might have a rocky relationship with her boyfriend, and this is what they do to each other. I don't think it has much to do with erectile dysfunction or you being too needy or clingy or whatever. Something else is going on in her life that she's concealing from you, and that is her priority.

[MissCanuck]

Well, I just read your first post, and yeah, I still think it's an affair of some sort. She might have a rocky relationship with her boyfriend, and this is what they do to each other. I don't think it has much to do with erectile dysfunction or you being too needy or clingy or whatever. Something else is going on in her life that she's concealing from you, and that is her priority.

 

Agreed with all of the above.

 

OP, you need to stop making excuses for her. If she were as interested as you, she'd still be talking to you.

 

The primary issue here isn't a sexual one. It's that she is essentially still with someone else.