Is this abuse?

[brightbabyblue]

If he is an alcoholic, it will likely get worse before it gets better. Trust me, you don't want to stick around for that. My ex was an alcoholic and I left him and because I left he was sober for 10 months. Perhaps he will take a look at his behavior if you create a firm boundary.

[ParisPaulette]

He's an alcoholic and one that is in denial and no longer even going through the motions of trying to pretend it bothers him. I've been there, did that, got the lousy t-shirt with a parent who wasn't abusive when he was drinking. But when he was hungover he could gut you with his words and did sometimes. Something he only apologized for years later after being sober for a good long while and me bringing it up to him. I'd rather have just had a father who didn't drink then turn mean when he was hung over in the first place though.

 

I'm sorry, but you need to look into counseling for yourself, and I think that maybe just going to Al-Anon, which is for family members and partners of alcoholics might do you a lot of good. And yes, turn to family and friends and tell them what is going on. No one who really loves you will think badly of you, they are the support system you desperately need right now.

 

And yes, it's emotion and verbal abuse. And it could turn physical down the line, so right now is the time to take a stand and end things and move on, because he won't change until he hits rock bottom. And that usually happens after an alcoholic or addict has lost a whole lot more than just a wife and home, try jobs, friends, family, and more. Then he might, MIGHT, really decide to stop drinking.

 

But that can take years and I will tell you bluntly you'll be put through a hell you won't want and isn't really worth it. And I say that as a child of an alcoholic parent. Sure he got sober, but what it cost me and my family, my mother was a price I've always felt was far too high. I loved my father too, but I still think my mother should have taken us kids and left him in the dirt. Maybe he'd have gotten sober a lot sooner too.

 

Anyways, find a support system, build it for yourself, he's going down and you don't need to go down with him. Good luck, and do what you need to do to protect yourself.

 

You can also call this hotline to talk to someone if you need to, they can probably help you with advice and possibly even an exit plan. Because what you're in counts as domestic abuse and you need help and please don't feel bad or like you're wrong for asking for help. Really it's okay, those who love you just want you happy and safe. I don't know how many times I've heard, "I wish she/he would have come to me for help, I'd have given it." So keep that in mind. It's easy to get lost in the idea no one cares or would turn against you, simply because when a partner is being abusive in some way it colors how one looks at everyone. And you need to realize everyone out there is not like this man. Not even close.

 

Good luck, feel free to come here and talk and ask questions. You're waking up is all.

[LightWave93]

Get rid of him. It might wake him up to the fact he needs to change, might not, but ultimately you need to look after yourself.

[Bob2526]

I was a similar boyfriend and I took her for granted thinking she would sick around. My friends and family would point out that i needed to slow down. I always thought that she would be there. I did slow down for awhile but it only picked up again. We had a great relationship for a while but the bad times that we did have were because of my drinking. It took losing her to make me realize what an immature fool I had been. I agreed with her decision and realized that no woman would want or should have to put up with behavior like that. I regret it so much. The strange thing is that i have to lose her to make me realize how bad my behavior was and I was a partner she lost trust in. Now I look back and see what my behavior was like. I would only say that it may take losing you to realize what his behavior has caused. If he truly loved you, he would slow it down or stop. I only wish I would have made better decisions.

[Annia]

I think the downplaying is actually as bad as the verbal abuse, am I crazy thinking that?

 

It's true. I was in an abusive relationship too, although he was not an alcoholic, and he would downplay my concerns and feelings every time. Like "you're overreacting... you only talk about the bad things, how about that time (usually long long time ago) when I bought you flowers?" . When he realized I was getting fed up he would avoid conversations about the relationship or something bad would always come up in his life so that I could never have the chance to talk to him about what was happening or so that I felt bad for him for bringing them up. Don't fall for that. Your concerns and feelings are valid. I think you should take a stand and get away from this situation. It doesn't matter if it's abuse or not, it's making you feel miserable.

[Leahjeff]

He's an alcoholic and one that is in denial and no longer even going through the motions of trying to pretend it bothers him. I've been there, did that, got the lousy t-shirt with a parent who wasn't abusive when he was drinking. But when he was hungover he could gut you with his words and did sometimes. Something he only apologized for years later after being sober for a good long while and me bringing it up to him. I'd rather have just had a father who didn't drink then turn mean when he was hung over in the first place though.

 

I'm sorry, but you need to look into counseling for yourself, and I think that maybe just going to Al-Anon, which is for family members and partners of alcoholics might do you a lot of good. And yes, turn to family and friends and tell them what is going on. No one who really loves you will think badly of you, they are the support system you desperately need right now.

 

And yes, it's emotion and verbal abuse. And it could turn physical down the line, so right now is the time to take a stand and end things and move on, because he won't change until he hits rock bottom. And that usually happens after an alcoholic or addict has lost a whole lot more than just a wife and home, try jobs, friends, family, and more. Then he might, MIGHT, really decide to stop drinking.

 

But that can take years and I will tell you bluntly you'll be put through a hell you won't want and isn't really worth it. And I say that as a child of an alcoholic parent. Sure he got sober, but what it cost me and my family, my mother was a price I've always felt was far too high. I loved my father too, but I still think my mother should have taken us kids and left him in the dirt. Maybe he'd have gotten sober a lot sooner too.

 

Anyways, find a support system, build it for yourself, he's going down and you don't need to go down with him. Good luck, and do what you need to do to protect yourself.

 

You can also call this hotline to talk to someone if you need to, they can probably help you with advice and possibly even an exit plan. Because what you're in counts as domestic abuse and you need help and please don't feel bad or like you're wrong for asking for help. Really it's okay, those who love you just want you happy and safe. I don't know how many times I've heard, "I wish she/he would have come to me for help, I'd have given it." So keep that in mind. It's easy to get lost in the idea no one cares or would turn against you, simply because when a partner is being abusive in some way it colors how one looks at everyone. And you need to realize everyone out there is not like this man. Not even close.

 

Good luck, feel free to come here and talk and ask questions. You're waking up is all.

Thank you. I feel like I am finally waking up to how he has treated me and also how it has changed me. I never used to hide things from friends and family and now I avoid talking to them. I feel really pi**ed off right now because he is still refusing to discuss it while he's I'll and I really just want him to go.

[Leahjeff]

Bob2526 That's a sad story, but at least you do realise now. Thank you for sharing.

[Wiseman2]

Don't let him be in control. Start the process yourself by looking for your own place, getting info from your landlord about your lease etc. Then present facts and plans. "I'm moving or you need to be out in 30 days". It's really that simple. Why haven't you already talked to your family? He's not preventing any of these things, you are.

 

Unfortunately you are still in 'hoping he'll change by talking to him yet again' mode. Meanwhile you are doing nothing while he's holing up claiming to be sick.

I never used to hide things from friends and family and now I avoid talking to them. I feel really pi**ed off right now because he is still refusing to discuss it while he's I'll and I really just want him to go.

[Hollyj]

Leah, What is there to discuss? Why do you think he will magically morph into a decent guy. You should be done.

 

 

Stop looking for excuses, and hope that he will finally see the light. Throw him out.

[Leahjeff]

So, today I am telling him to move out. I have been staying with a friend for the last few days and have opened up about what's been happening.

I'm not looking forward to the chat because I know I need to tell him how I feel. Can anyone offer some advice for this stage? I feel it's the last conversation we are going to have and I really want him to understand what he has done to me.

[Betterwithout]

So, today I am telling him to move out. I have been staying with a friend for the last few days and have opened up about what's been happening.

I'm not looking forward to the chat because I know I need to tell him how I feel. Can anyone offer some advice for this stage? I feel it's the last conversation we are going to have and I really want him to understand what he has done to me.

 

Glad to hear that you have made the right decision to kick him out. Your life will be brighter once you get over the relationship you had.

In case you haven't already read somewhere on the forum. Have an iron-clad no contact with him. Delete his phone number, email address, delete and block him on social media so you can maintain it to be the last conversation you have.

 

For the chat, I would start writing down all the reasons why you want to end things.

All the things he has done and how it made you feel.

The better you communicate these points, the more closure you and him will have.

 

Wish you well. Feel free to post on how things went.

[boltnrun]

He won't "understand".

 

Most likely he will try to blame you.

 

But don't worry about that. The issue is getting him to move out.

 

I hope you confided in your family. They can help you if he tries to get nasty.