Continuum of grudge

[4dvz]

Hi,

 

I have a big problem in my relationship. The seed of grudge has been planted to otherwise very healthy and amazing relationship, and it is beginning to show concerning results.

 

To give you background, I lied to my girlfriend about having lunch/coffee etc with my ex-gf who was 100% my friend only, because my girlfriend didn`t approve it, and made me feel bad about it. At first I was honest with everything and told her about having lunch with my ex, but after I strongly felt pressurized into not seeing her, I made a mistake of lying. I got caught, and my girlfriend threatened to leave me. We managed to sort it out, but I had to distance my ex-gf. I feel unfair about the fact that I had to distance my dear friend especially due to the fact that we had a mutual agreement of allowing each other to be friends with our ex-boy/girlfriends from the very beginning, but understand the fact that I did wrong by lying. I should had just stood up, and tell her that she can`t choose my friends. My act was a cowardly one.

 

So there is a double seed of grudge, one seed for her and one for me.

-I hold grudge towards her for at first putting me in a situation where I was so uncomfortable at, that I lied to her in the end, then the whole series of events causing me to be in a situation where I had to distance my friend in order to maintain my relationship.

-She has a deep grudge for me because I lied to her. The fact that she almost left me, speaks for itself. I had to beg her to stay, and I`m happy she did.

 

This little event just took place; We had a discussion whether it`s appropriate for a woman in a relationship to expose her breast for anyone else, than for her boyfriend. The discussion was merely about morals, not about practice. She hasn`t done such thing nor threatened to commit it, but in this discussion she told me that they are her breasts to reveal if she wants to. This got me concerned quite a lot, because that kind of attitude is not something I want to witness from a woman I`m planning to share my life with.

I told her that we are talking about a dealbreaker for me, and tried to be very reasonable with everything she had said. I told her I accept her values etc if that`s how she really feels about the whole subject, and highlighted the fact that I just need to know where does she stand with her morals.

Next thing she told me was: "Quess what is a dealbreaker for me, lying".

 

That was like a punch for the foundations of our relationship in my sense, just like she apparently feels about the fact that I lied to her.

 

We have discussed hours and hours about why I actually lied to her in the first place, and I have taken all the blame I can possibly take, and promised never to lie again. I have tried to push my own grudge away, and concentrate in making her understand me. The event I described however was a big let down for me.

 

Any advice? I`m kind of clueless how to continue from here, since the snowball effect is already taking place here. I love her with all my heart, and want to fix this twist we are in right now.

[SherrySher]

Why would you bother with an ex? I mean, what could you possibly gain from it? Ex's are ex's for a reason and no, they can't be friends if you've had sex, that really is a messed up situation.

At least in my opinion, ex's should be kept in the past where they belong.

You felt pressured into meeting? How about No thanks, end of.

 

As for the breasts conversation, it's odd that you were even talking about that, but exposing breasts? Strange, I highly doubt she'd be doing that.

[Waraqqa]

Re: breast discussion - don't take it too seriously or dig and dissect in it. It was a theoretical discussion only. Are they her breasts and does she have the right to reveal them if she wants to? - yes, she does. Will she actually do that in practice? - Highly unlikely. So, you are getting upset here for something that doesn't even exist. There is no issue, nothing happened. Whatever happens in people's minds theoretically, should not be over-ascribed in importance. We all have all kinds of thougths sometimes, they may come and go, and it was philosophising around, *not* her telling you that she'll go and expose now.

 

As for the grudge seeds - the dealbreaker comment indeed shows that she has that seed still. Hopefully, she can forgive it and leave it in the past. If it comes up again, tell he that forgiveness means leaving something in the past and not throwing it back into the person's face again and again. Let's hope she won't anymore. If she does - not much you can do. You can't get inside her head and fix it. We can't control other people's thoughts.

 

With regards to your own grudge seed, same thing, you also have to let go. And sometimes one has to let go even without the other person's explicit validation or whatever. Your relationship is still fairly young/new, right? Well, think about it - if you have your whole life together ahead of you, do you not think there will be other little seeds and grudges and things that you can't agree with? There will Always be something where you are different and your needs may diverge. If it is something very serious, you might have to split up. But if it is various things here and there, you have to let some things slide. Have you heard the expression "pick your battles"? Seems like you both need it. Perhaps save your grudges for something big like cheating or major incompatibilities etc. I think this disagreement is not worth damaging a good relationship. Some things are ok to let go of even if you don't agree. Otherwise you are like two rams, neither willing to compromise.

[4dvz]

Why would you bother with an ex? I mean, what could you possibly gain from it? Ex's are ex's for a reason and no, they can't be friends if you've had sex, that really is a messed up situation.

At least in my opinion, ex's should be kept in the past where they belong.

You felt pressured into meeting? How about No thanks, end of.

 

As for the breasts conversation, it's odd that you were even talking about that, but exposing breasts? Strange, I highly doubt she'd be doing that.

 

What do you gain from any friend you have? Why would you need to gain something from a friendship? If you can`t be friends with an ex, with who you have absolutely nothing unresolved, meaning that you both accept the break up in the past, is it ok to be friends with the opposite sex at all? I mean you could end up having sex with someone new as well? I don`t want a relationship where I couldn`t have friends from the opposite sex, because that kind of relationship is doomed to suffer from jealousity and control. I want to be friends with my ex because she`s a great person, who accepts me as I am, and the fact that we are only friends. I also allow the same for my woman, because I trust her to be loyal. Why would you need to dump people in the past just because you don`t love them the same way anymore?

And to highlight, she also has her ex boyfriend as her friend, and she also regularly chats with atleast 2-3 guys who she knows, and also occasionally meets them. I don`t suspect her of cheating, not a single bit.

[SherrySher]

Then concentrate on that and let your girlfriend find someone who wants to concentrate on her. You are letting this "friendship" ruin your current relationship...remember that.

Your ex had her chance, it didn't work, your current girlfriend is what matters now.

[4dvz]

Re: breast discussion - don't take it too seriously or dig and dissect in it. It was a theoretical discussion only. Are they her breasts and does she have the right to reveal them if she wants to? - yes, she does. Will she actually do that in practice? - Highly unlikely. So, you are getting upset here for something that doesn't even exist. There is no issue, nothing happened. Whatever happens in people's minds theoretically, should not be over-ascribed in importance. We all have all kinds of thougths sometimes, they may come and go, and it was philosophising around, *not* her telling you that she'll go and expose now.

 

As for the grudge seeds - the dealbreaker comment indeed shows that she has that seed still. Hopefully, she can forgive it and leave it in the past. If it comes up again, tell he that forgiveness means leaving something in the past and not throwing it back into the person's face again and again. Let's hope she won't anymore. If she does - not much you can do. You can't get inside her head and fix it. We can't control other people's thoughts.

 

With regards to your own grudge seed, same thing, you also have to let go. And sometimes one has to let go even without the other person's explicit validation or whatever. Your relationship is still fairly young/new, right? Well, think about it - if you have your whole life together ahead of you, do you not think there will be other little seeds and grudges and things that you can't agree with? There will Always be something where you are different and your needs may diverge. If it is something very serious, you might have to split up. But if it is various things here and there, you have to let some things slide. Have you heard the expression "pick your battles"? Seems like you both need it. Perhaps save your grudges for something big like cheating or major incompatibilities etc. I think this disagreement is not worth damaging a good relationship. Some things are ok to let go of even if you don't agree. Otherwise you are like two rams, neither willing to compromise.

 

I feel a bit different about her right to expose her breasts to other people. There are some boundaries on your behaviour while you are in a relationship. Boundaries of course can vary depending on a relationship. General boundary for most of the couples is that you dont kiss or have sex with other people. If I would state to my girlfriend that "I will expose my to whoever I want" because it`s my , the level of disrespect towards her would be the same as stating that you don`t deserve to be exclusive with my . If I would state "I have a right to have sex with whoever I want because it`s my body and my life", it would be a declaration of either a break-up or a very open minded relationship. Philosophing around gives you a mutual understanding of a lot of things, and is essential for me. Of course when you do this, you really need to have an open mind for different opinions. I was actually ready to accept her will to expose her breast to other people, but she got angry. It would had affected on me tough, the fact that I would accept such a thing.

 

Yes, I also hope she can leave it in the past. I have put my own grudge aside, and havent spoken about it to her nor used it in other contexts. This relationship is fairly young, you got it right. We have been together for 6 months. I don`t want to leave any grudge seeds as they are, because I believe that by talking them over it`s possible to reason them so far, that they will not be grudges anymore. They will be only an unfortunate occassions in the past. What I really thank you of is the "pick your battles" expression. This is needed indeed, and I will introduce the idea for her. If the grudges we carry are beyond our reasoning, the battles need to be picked, so this stays in control.

[4dvz]

Then concentrate on that and let your girlfriend find someone who wants to concentrate on her. You are letting this "friendship" ruin your current relationship...remember that.

Your ex had her chance, it didn't work, your current girlfriend is what matters now.

 

Why would you need to choose between people who don`t compete with each other? In my case for example, I don`t make friends easily, infact it has always been really hard for me. I really need to force myself for even wanting to try to make new friends, because it`s an effort. I only have like a few real friends so they are of high priority for me.

[Matt3939]

Never accept something that you can't let go totally and forgive. If she can't accept what you did with the ex than she should man up and tell you. It's a horrible thing to be constantly blamed for something. It will effect your decision's in the future with her. Same goes for you.

[SherrySher]

I am not going to argue the ex because clearly we have a different opinion on that kind of thing. But keeping an ex around normally always ends up being trouble sooner or later.

 

But what the bottom line is, you and this woman are not compatible and you are fighting way too much for things to work out. You don't see eye to eye and you don't agree on different issues and your resentment is growing.

This relationship is already having serious problems and I think there is a good chance of it getting worse.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. This resentment will continue to fester because you want to see your dear friend and she hasn't forgiven that nor lying about it.

 

The topless argument was just a cover for the deeper issues. And there will be more picking and bickering about nonsense to indirectly express all this unresolved resentment.

 

Perhaps you should end it due to this contamination and resentment and try to reconcile with your dear friend if losing her is worse than losing your current gf.

 

Coming into a relationship with and ex as a best friends - package deal will undermine most of your dating experiences. Unless you have kids together.

I feel unfair about the fact that I had to distance my dear friend

Next thing she told me was: "Quess what is a dealbreaker for me, lying".

[DancingFool]

Why would you need to choose between people who don`t compete with each other? In my case for example, I don`t make friends easily, infact it has always been really hard for me. I really need to force myself for even wanting to try to make new friends, because it`s an effort. I only have like a few real friends so they are of high priority for me.

 

Your deep emotional attachment to your ex is very obviously competing with your current relationship and is directly affecting it by driving a wedge between you and your gf. Very few women out there will be willing to put up with that.

 

So at some point you will need to figure out for yourself which is the greater pain, going out and making new friends that are not ex's or constant strife and break ups with whoever you are dating. Or perhaps you will eventually find a lady who will not be bothered.

 

As for this relationship, you are both seething with too much resentment. It's already circling the drain.

[Billie28]

Yes she can reveal her breasts to whomever she likes , just like you can reveal your penis.

 

Yes you can be friends with an ex and so can she.

 

BUT..... all of the above is crossing the boundaries of a normal healthy relationship.

IF your so called friendship with your ex is THAT important to you that it creates issues in your current relationship, then that is up to YOU to choose your priority.

Your actions have simply shown your gf that she is not your priority. She shouldn't have to tell you that it's inappropriate to meet an ex one on one. You should know that!

 

To meet up with an ex is ok if in a group of friends and / or with your girlfriend present.

The bottom line is that there was once chemistry with an ex and it can always be rekindled even if only just in a moment of weakness.

 

Depending on how important your current gf is to you and how important your ex is to you, you can do one of two things.

Ditch the ex or compromise and only meet her in a group setting or with your gf present. If you are "just" platonic friends then that won't be an issue for you.

 

We all try to act cool at the beginning of a relationship and flippantly say yep it's ok to be friends with exes, but as the relationship progresses , our opinions on that can and do change. So stop being an ass about the fact that your grandson was once cool with it.

 

You lied and you haven't really apologised for that. You simply are behaving like a two year old saying sorry when you don't mean it. Show you mean it!

 

Time to discuss boundaries and what's acceptable or not.

If you don't like the boundaries, then leave the relationship. It's not about control it's about respect. And right now you are not showing any respect to your current gf and your relationship.

 

The same applies to any friend of the opposite sex.

If you don't like it, be single.

[SherrySher]

Agree with all the above apart from I didn't get the grandson bit...but YEAH

 

ignore me, nightshift is nearly over.

[yatsue]

Have you and her talked about the double standard of her being able to see her ex, while you can't see yours? And why she suddenly changed her mind about the agreement you both made to see your ex? How did this conversation pan out, if it did?

[tattoobunnie]

So artists can't have nudes pose, and when you visit a gynecologist, a woman should keep her shirt on? And heaven forbid, breast-feeding your baby! A woman's boobs are her boobs, and she should feel comfortable doing whatever she wants with them.

 

If my husband thought that they had to keep an ex in their lives, that's fine - as Facebook friends - but secretly going behind my back to eat with them - I'd show him the door. And the fact you are still trying to throw your girl under the bus by saying that her opinion doesn't matter to you, so much so, that you did whatever you wanted anyway, then lied about it?????!!!! Yikes. You not being able to fully own up to what you did, and trying to make it out you're a victim by calling yourself a coward is the reason why she's still mad at you, and can't trust you. You are still blaming her for lying.

 

So essentially, you are telling her that whatever she says and feels is not as important as your friendship with your ex. I don't see this relationship making it for the long haul. It's a long road to learn to be accountable and authentic.

[4dvz]

Yes she can reveal her breasts to whomever she likes , just like you can reveal your penis.

 

Yes you can be friends with an ex and so can she.

 

BUT..... all of the above is crossing the boundaries of a normal healthy relationship.

IF your so called friendship with your ex is THAT important to you that it creates issues in your current relationship, then that is up to YOU to choose your priority.

Your actions have simply shown your gf that she is not your priority. She shouldn't have to tell you that it's inappropriate to meet an ex one on one. You should know that!

 

To meet up with an ex is ok if in a group of friends and / or with your girlfriend present.

The bottom line is that there was once chemistry with an ex and it can always be rekindled even if only just in a moment of weakness.

 

Depending on how important your current gf is to you and how important your ex is to you, you can do one of two things.

Ditch the ex or compromise and only meet her in a group setting or with your gf present. If you are "just" platonic friends then that won't be an issue for you.

 

We all try to act cool at the beginning of a relationship and flippantly say yep it's ok to be friends with exes, but as the relationship progresses , our opinions on that can and do change. So stop being an ass about the fact that your grandson was once cool with it.

 

You lied and you haven't really apologised for that. You simply are behaving like a two year old saying sorry when you don't mean it. Show you mean it!

 

Time to discuss boundaries and what's acceptable or not.

If you don't like the boundaries, then leave the relationship. It's not about control it's about respect. And right now you are not showing any respect to your current gf and your relationship.

 

The same applies to any friend of the opposite sex.

If you don't like it, be single.

 

I`m sorry but I already distanced my ex-gf, apparently you didn`t catch that from my post. Also I disagree with you on a variety on things, but thank you anyways for posting.

[4dvz]

So artists can't have nudes pose, and when you visit a gynecologist, a woman should keep her shirt on? And heaven forbid, breast-feeding your baby! A woman's boobs are her boobs, and she should feel comfortable doing whatever she wants with them.

 

If my husband thought that they had to keep an ex in their lives, that's fine - as Facebook friends - but secretly going behind my back to eat with them - I'd show him the door. And the fact you are still trying to throw your girl under the bus by saying that her opinion doesn't matter to you, so much so, that you did whatever you wanted anyway, then lied about it?????!!!! Yikes. You not being able to fully own up to what you did, and trying to make it out you're a victim by calling yourself a coward is the reason why she's still mad at you, and can't trust you. You are still blaming her for lying.

 

So essentially, you are telling her that whatever she says and feels is not as important as your friendship with your ex. I don't see this relationship making it for the long haul. It's a long road to learn to be accountable and authentic.

 

Yes there are expections. If my girlfriend was a model who did nude work, this was of course the case. Funny you include breast feeding and gynecologist though, but I quess that part was a joke anyways, because my post was serious.

In one of my posts to this thread i also include that I was ready to understand her, in her willingness to expose her breasts. I forgot to empatize on it enough in my original post. She got mad at me before we got a chance to go there.

 

Do you know what`s the secret in having your husband or whoever we are talking about actually not doing anything behing your back; Allowing them fully to operate infront of your eyes without judging them. Encouranging them to live their lives while loving you at the same time.

 

The opinion of my gf matters the world to me, and if you think I`m throwing her under the bus here please share more. I want to learn from you.

 

The fact that I call myself a coward is because that`s the way it is in my life. I was scared to confront her every day with this subject. I was scared of the negative energy she would give me.

 

Also for you to note, I already distanced my ex-gf from me but I feel bad for it.

[4dvz]

Your deep emotional attachment to your ex is very obviously competing with your current relationship and is directly affecting it by driving a wedge between you and your gf. Very few women out there will be willing to put up with that.

 

So at some point you will need to figure out for yourself which is the greater pain, going out and making new friends that are not ex's or constant strife and break ups with whoever you are dating. Or perhaps you will eventually find a lady who will not be bothered.

 

As for this relationship, you are both seething with too much resentment. It's already circling the drain.

 

The emotional attachment is the key of the friendship that we share with my ex, but I don`t love her anymore. I love my current girlfriend. I try most best to make my girlfriend realize this. Also however I distanced my ex-gf from me already, and my current girlfriend dominates this area completely.

[DancingFool]

"The fact that I call myself a coward is because that`s the way it is in my life. I was scared to confront her every day with this subject. I was scared of the negative energy she would give me."

 

Is this common in all your relationships or just this one relationship in particular?

If this is a common theme in all your relationships, then you need to work on yourself and your confidence issues.

If this is just a fear you feel in this relationship, then I'd say that the two of you are not even remotely compatible and you need to walk away and the sooner, the better. You shouldn't fear expressing yourself within the relationship ever.

[Wiseman2]

Why did you break up? Was it one of those 'can't live with them, can't live without them' situations?

I already distanced my ex-gf from me but I feel bad for it.

[ButterflyWrists]

It is clear your ex means more to you than your girlfriend does. The way you speak of her makes it sound like she's pretty perfect and your girlfriend is evil and controlling "oh I was too scared of her" etc etc.

You also cannot see you are wrong to have lied and betrayed her. I get it, I've had platonic friends (No sexual history whatsoever though) and ex's believe there was more there and I stopped seeing those friends, didn't help though so the relationships ended.

You need to decide who is more important to you, it comes across very clear that your ex is and if that's so, you need to leave the relationship.

[SherrySher]

I don't understand you OP, you are making your ex gf far far too important.

Your current gf is what matters, this ex gf had her chance with you, it did not work now you need to be respectful to your current gf and ditch the ex. It's not right to your current gf that you are behaving this way.

Many of us have told you the same thing. The ex has gotta go, or it will cause more problems.

[Billie28]

Agree with all the above apart from I didn't get the grandson bit...but YEAH

 

ignore me, nightshift is nearly over.

 

Oops girlfriend not grandson lol

[ImYoPusher]

Just in general it's not good to maintain friendships with exes. Not saying you need to treat them like a leper but going on lunch dates and regular communication has the potential to become very very messy.

[SherrySher]

Billie's trying to confuse me..lol. Thank you for clearing that up. I think I read that sentence three times wondering how I missed the grandson bit.