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Everything posted by 4dvz

  1. Yes you are correct when you say i would need to re-evaluate the situation and forgotting the broken promises of joy and happiness. Thats what im trying to do all the time, but i just cant turn off the love i have for her. It makes all the problems seem like they would not matter at all. i dont remember half the stuff i have posted here really, and cant think about them while making a new one. This is not some book im trying to write. Those earlier posts are what i felt and experienced on the given time.
  2. Thank you for being friendly now, and sorry for getting a bit upset earlier. I just felt you judged me, i couldnt see the feedback. The situation has developed a lot since that post you quoted. Im over trying to get more sex from her, nor expecting more. I only hope more these days (differs a lot from expecting) in my own mind, not telling it for her anymore. I have not said a word to her about these thoughts for a long time now. She is the only one engaging for sex now, I have stopped doing that completely. I dont understand why she does that though, because she says she does it for me only. She does it once a week, and often i find it hard to get aroused as fast as earlier because my mind is poisoned and always needs some time to recover. That is just something that happened, its not her fault nor mine. I have been cheated on pretty badly in my earlier life, twice by different women. First time broke me down on so many levels. I lost trust towards everyone i knew, it drove me to insanity almost. I recovered however, after a few years i believe. Then after the second time I was ready to die really, and the word trust just didnt mean anything to me anymore. My perception of the world does not contain the word trust as it is for most people, for me its something people use to deceive those who otherwise would be on their way. I know this is wrong, and Im working with this every day. She also knows about my past, ive told her everything. And as i mentioned earlier, i have not used my right (granted kindly by her) to read her messages in very long time now because im trying to learn what that awful word trust means again. Its not easy, since she also lied to me once about meeting with her male friend. I just see people lying all the time to the ones they love, and to me thats just horrible.
  3. The issue is that I have always found one, but then after being together for an year or two the partner has lost her desires no matter how hard ive tried to avoid it.
  4. Thank you for this. It made me think a lot. I have always felt in the relationships ive had that i need to sacrifice something in the name of love. In the name of love makes it logical and reasonable, because love is more important than those things that you sacrifice and without that sacrifice love to your partner would suffer. I cant break this circle of sacrificing, I do it even now and explain it just by those words to myself.
  5. Truth? You have really no idea what you are talking about at all.. im the one who puts up with sexual neglect, controlling and having to watch her write with other men regulary. You did not hit any truths, but yes hit a sore spot by spitting on my pain. I dont know you, but you made me feel terrible by blaming me with some narrow minded concepts of life, and that is why I got annoyed with you. Do you think Im not blaming myself for everything already? Yes i am, but not like you did. I blame myself for not making her want me more, and its breaking my heart every day. I blame myself for being a pu##y and just watch her write to other men and controlling me at the same time. I blame myself for putting myself in this situation. I blame myself for not being good enough for her to treat me better. I blame myself for not deserving better, because i know it must be me who does not deserve all these things because she is a genuinely good person within and im sure i would get better from her if i deserved it. Maybe you enjoy making people feel bad about themselves even more than they already do, when you see them speaking about their sorrows. I hope all the best for you in your life, but please if you are just going to trash me dont reply anymore.
  6. In general guys please dont judge me like this, it does not feel nice if that matters at all. Im not a bad guy. I just seek something to help me through this, since I have nothing to work with anymore..
  7. Its hard to believe im recognized like this in the Forum. Makes me think if I have seeked for help and relieve too many times here. I just really have nobody to talk to about this stuff and this Forum usually gives me atleast some answers. All others i have tried didnt really result in anything.
  8. This is what I kind of know to be true in general, but then again I love her way too much to want to think that way about us. We also have lots of good things between us, but yes these issues are quite big.. I have worked my own emotions in a way that does not lead into resenting her, but as time goes on this is of course a risk if things never change for better
  9. What on earth even made you go digging into them.. i dont even want to know, just dont reply anything anymore i hope i get some intelligent replies here..
  10. Well, what can i say. Your view clearly do not match with mine at all and you propably thought that im a horrible person because of that. She loves me and knows I treat her with respect and love. I dont have any female friends either, and we all choose what is acceptable and what is not in our lives. I think you must live a pretty boring life based on your reply, maybe you are the one who should seek help in that issue. Please dont post more here.
  11. Thank you for the answer. I dont understand your point here however; Why would I need to see a doctor? We have the same goals in committment, and family life in the future. Neither of us wants kids, and we are loyal to each other. Why do you think I should not feed my freaky and kinky nature? I dont have problems regarding any substance abuse, infact she drinks way more alcohol than me. Its not even comparable, I dont even like alcohol that much at all it just makes me feel dizzy. I would like to do something recreational every now and then which she knew before moving in with me, but she has deep issues with that even though she drinks very heavily sometimes. Im not making it an issue, i just make sure she gets home safely by picking her up every time she is out and put her into bed when she tries to sleep on the floor. This is not the greatest of our problems.
  12. Thank you for spending your valuable time in reading my post. I`ve been together with her for about 4,5 years now. We live together, and have a seemingly great life even in my own mind. We do almost everything together (and I mean this in the most positive way thinkable). She is my best friend, and even after all these years we enjoy every day together. She is fun, beautiful, intelligent, trustworthy and I want to be with her forever. I can`t find a single thing about her that I just would not love. The severe issue is just that along the way we have travelled, it has many times become apparent that our ideal life is not the same. We have a few major issues without solutions that have been tearing a gap between our souls, if you could put it this way. And by involving the word souls here, I mean that I`m not sure if she is my soulmate anymore despite me wanting to be with her forever. Our greatest issue is sex. I was a sexual freak before we met. It was a very strong driving force in my life. I used to aim for experiencing as much as possible, and enjoyed it very much. It was unnatural for me to stay a day without sex, or stick with the same routines. I always wanted more, and do it a bit different than last time. When we met she gave me the impression she has the same mindset. Before we moved in together I had a thorough conversation about this with her, because I was scared she would one day change and not want sex as much as she did back then. I have always had problems in this field in long term relationships, and I have learned that I`m incompatible with someone who is not as much into sex as I am. I told my fears for her, and she made me believe that I have nothing to fear. It didn`t take long until the same problems began though as in every other relationship as I`ve been in though. She stopped wanting sex as much as I, slowly. She also slowly stopped wanting any kinky stuff that I enjoy very much. Our sex life became boring for me, I had to slowly start forgetting everything I wanted regarding sex. I tried my best to give her time, pleasure, life without any stress for her, you name it. This concerns only sex, our level of intimacy and closeness in every other area is great. She always cuddles me the most loving way when we sleep and really wants to be close to me in general so she has never become distant other than sexually. We still have sex once a week, but she has made clear she does it only for me. It`s not spiritually fulfilling, nor sexually. It just makes me remember how much I want her. I tried to change myself to not want sex as much anymore, because I love her so much that it hurted me greatly to experience this with her. In this very day I`m writing this post, I have given up after years of effort and there is a great conflict within me. I remember my old self every day when I look outside the window or into the mirror, and I just miss that feeling of being complete. Now I´m just continuously sad due for giving up the greatest pleasure. Second worst issue have been the fact that she wants to have male friends. I detest this, and I can`t even find words to describe how I feel about it after the issue above. These two issues (the one above) work very badly together in my mind. I made a stand back in days for either one of us not having friends from the opposite gender other than each other and we almost broke up. She has never understood me in this topic. She just always claims that I don`t trust her and acts all offended even though the level of "offended" in me is far deeper, thus resulting in huge fights where we both propably see each other being a complete moron. After fighting with her about this issue for an year almost every week, I gave up and let her have her male friends, yet being completely disgusted every time I see her phone vibrating from a message. I know she messages with her male friends a lot, and this makes me puke. I however know that she does nothing wrong in those discussions expect having them at all. I have a right to read her messages if I want to, any time, it has been the deal. Also I have a right to meet all her male friends if I wish, and I have met some too. I have not asked to read the messages for a long time now, because I believe her story; She has no sexual desire towards her male friends at all. This I do not question. I however know that almost all those male friends most likely find her sexually appealing, and could try something if they had a right chance. I´m just deeply troubled by the whole scheme, and find it very uncomfortable even though I trust her intentions to be what she tells me. I just don`t understand why I have to go through this at all, it`s just pure madness for me and a situation I thought I would never be in because any other situation like this in my past life would result in me walking away. The worst thing about all this is that I can`t even try to live the same life as she does in this area, because if I would try to get a female friend she would find that wrong due to fact that all her male friends are from her life before we even met. She has stated that if I try to get a female friend, she perceives this as a revenge and will get more new male friends as a retaliation. This makes me feel like she just undermines me as a man, even though I have treated her with the most respect for our whole time together. She wants to have her own rules and have me following them, not listening to mine. Third and the least of these issues (a major one still) is that I can`t live the life I want anymore. She knew before moving in with me about some of my ways of living that normal people would find rather strange. I have been going out, partying for 2 days in a row sometimes without sleeping. I have done literally anything my heart perceived like fun. I have not asked questions, I have experienced some always memorable adventures that have been genuinely bizarre unique and fun that left me feeling great for months. I was just awesome, and always in a good mood because there was nothing I couldn`t do. I felt immortal, I lived like a rockstar. My life was so enjoyable, and built just for me. I have still always taken care of my responsibilities, my finances etc well and the lifestyle never led me to any problems. It was just life of me, nothing bad into it really. These days she gets really anxious if I even mention about this kind of stuff, and basically forbids me from taking part in this kind of life anymore. She has mentioned that she has to leave the house if I do something like this because she would not be able to bear it. From her this is not a threat of break up, I know she would come back, but how am I supposed to enjoy whatever I would be doing if she feels like that. This all has led for me living a normal boring life, that eats away my soul more and more every day. If you believe breaking up would be instantly the right move here, trust me it`s not. I have never felt so loved as I do with her, and I honestly never have had as good friend as she is for me and I love her deeply. She gives me this warm feeling I like to call Home, a feeling I don´t think I have experienced since moving away from my childhood home. We also have many hobbies together, and our daily life is usually fun. Fun, but killingly normal lacking some factors that I value a lot in life. Continuing the way things are now is not a good move either, because I will regret it later in my life for sure. I also know I would regret walking away from her, I would smack myself every day for doing it afterwards and the missing would eat me up. It`s Christmas time now, and these thoughts are basically everything I have. I wish I could just tell myself the words: Hey bro, your life is awesome. What fun stuff are you gonna come up with your holiday? That`s a thought I`m not able to have with the current state of things, no matter how much I try.
  13. But you know I truly believed she saw the world the same way as I did. Was I wrong? I don`t think so. She has changed, and I would like to know why.. :( When we met we were the most compatible thing ever, and even right now we still are if you just forget about sex. She is my best friend in life also, and I`m hers. She feels this way for me too. What does not show in my thread(s) is the fact that besides this issue we have a good relationship. We fall asleep holding each other every night, and she cuddles me still when I wake up despite of this all.. I`m trying to get hold of my emotions.. it`s just incredibly hard sometimes. I have not decided to cheat, but at the same time I don`t understand how can she expect me not to at this rate..
  14. I have never been into usual life. I have lived my life my own way, not thinking what people like or don`t like in general, and tried my best in seeking out same-minded friends and women who enjoy the same things I do. For me having sex once a week is just a symptom of living out a boring life. I think sex is the complete opposite of boredom. It makes you feel alive, everytime. I have hard time understanding if there really is no women who feel the same way about sex as I do on this planet. Rly?
  15. Is this really the case? Women don`t like daily sex, nor possess fetishes? Are women and men really this different? I have known women in my life (friends) who have had same kind of issues as I do, but on a different scale..
  16. I regret my bad behaviour, I really do. I wish I had been able to handle my emotions with thought, instead of exploding. I don`t think it`s her fault that I have gotten angry in public places. I should had been able to act differently. However I went through a process with her before we started our life together, and made her consider if she wants the same kind of level in sex in long run as I do. I gave her lots of time to consider, and told her I that we should not move in together unless she feels the same about this stuff as I do, because I knew where it would take us if she didn`t. Into this very exact situation. I was honest and open about everything. I believe she made her decision based on her own evaluation with the right information. I don`t think she can just drop everything after making such a decision, without even giving me a reason.. That is extremely unfair to me. I know I have made things worse, but before that I really tried and maintained my calm while doing so. I`m definitely not behaving like a brat btw, I don`t think you really understand me here. Other than this issue, I have treated her with respect in every aspect I can think of. The level of frustration has just gotten too bad inside me during these years, as I have lost my hope in this issue. About attraction, I have confronted her about this also and she claims to be attracted to me. I have told her that she should leave me if she is not attracted to me anymore, yet she has stayed. Since you went through my earlier posts, you must also have found my age. I`m not a teenager, I`m an adult. As I mentioned I have never cheated, not her, not anyone who I was in a relationship with. I just don`t understand how can someone expect loyalty from her man, after taking away his sex life while basically being completely aware of it with the information she had about me? To me this is just as wrong as cheating, yet I´m not cheating. I seeked out a therapist who was supposed to know about anger management, and relationships. It was a bad experience for me, because to be honest I faced same sort of negativity as I see from your post.. I don´t mean this as an offence, but you just see things very differently than I do, and take my situation the wrong way. I`m not going to leave her, I never will, because I have promised to stay with her forever and I love her with all my heart. If she leaves me because not loving me anymore, I accept it.
  17. I don`t think it contradicts. To love is different than to have a reason to live. The gap between those things is quite big actually, for me reason to live is way more personal and is about what makes me feel fulfilled, while love is a bond between us. Love gives a certain type of fulfillment also, but here I mean a specific type of fulfillment like: "I`m doing something with my life that I really want to do." This situation has driven me to deep depression. I used to be happy, and didn`t think this stuff. I`m not drying to be dramatic. We have sex about once a week. I don`t think they are exaggerating. When I was single I had numerous different sex partners, and was actually happy with my sex life. There always seemed to be someone to have sex with. No, I don`t think I have exaggerated my sex life in conversations. I have made a fool out of myself by getting angry, when something has scraped this open wound I have within me here. Yes, unfortunately I have made comments about my dissatisfaction about our sex life while being drunk.. being drunk is not a reason, I know, but it has played a role in me losing it in public. I never acted this way though before I had already given up my hope about having a sex life I believed I would have with her. You can`t imagine how much I have tried, and how patient I have tried to be. I deeply regret all of those blow ups, I wish I had the strength to act differently despite of everything. This is one reason I went to therapist. I have talked about this with her so many times, that it`s almost too much really. The discussions never get anywhere, because she refuses to open up and help me to help us. I think I have said literally everything there is to say to her, many times repeating myself even. With your last question, do you mean that she could have been trying to just please me instead of enjoying? If yes she should pursue a career in acting.. I find it hard to believe, but then again what do I know..
  18. I have lost it in those situations, gotten angry. Said stuff I regretted afterwards.. I have only expressed my anger with words, and once leaving everybody for an hour but came back afterwards and apologized. But it`s all because of this situation, I would never behave this way if I was happy with my sexlife and I never did before it turned out this way.. Lack of sex came before bad behaviour, which I quess started about an year after I had lost my hope. Before bad heaviour I tried my everything to solve this issue, and believed it can be turned around. We have sex once in a week I quess and at that point I have been on torture-level lack of sex for many days already. I just can`t get accustomed with it. She used to like most of the kinks we had, I never tried to make her do anything she didn`t want to do and if she said she doesn`t like something I let it go and focused on the thinks she seemed to like. She has hard time talking about this stuff, and I`m not sure she even knows what she likes really. When I ask her about this, the answer basically is "I don`t know." everytimme. I`m trying to help her in finding out the things she enjoys, I have told her a million times she just needs to tell me what she wants and I will do my best to make it happen, no matter what it is.
  19. I`ve been with her for many years and we live together. In the beginning of our story, we used to have sex almost every time we met. I was in a bliss. Everything however started turning worse month by month, year by year.. She started wanting less and less sex, while my sex drive stayed the same. I wanted her every day, just like in the beginning, and could not understand what happened within her. Slowly this started to escalate into a number of issues for us, while everything else was still great, actually even better as our love had grown to something worth staying despite of everything. I have witnessed this same horrible, unlogical and most of all sad evolution of sexual desire in the woman I`m in a long term relationship with earlier in my life, two times. Everything goes on exactly the same way, every time, no matter how good a man I try to be. I don`t understand why it happens. Some say it`s inevitable course of nature, some say it ain`t. I belong to the group who thinks it definitely should not be so, and life like that is not worth living. I can`t understand people who choose a life where joy of sex is slowly forgotten. I acknowledged this risk before I decided to move in together with her because of my experience in life, and made sure she had the same sexual appetite as I did. We discussed this many times, and I told her that the relationship I can happily live in maintains the sex drive just as it`s for us now, at this very moment. I made sure she realized, that I have gone through pain in my previous relationships because of what happened to my partners sex drives, and don`t want to waste time if she loses her drive after 1-2 years or something like that. She convinced me that it can`t happen, because I`m everything she wants, and she likes sex. She is a very intelligent woman, and I know she processed this through before moving in with me, I`m certain of it. How could she not know herself better? I know myself as a human being, and what I can maintain in long run and what I can`t. I know what in my behaviour is based on initial attraction, and what is something I want to develop in the long run. I had very high hopes in our future, I thought this time everything would be different. I made sure I treated her with respect in every situation, I did atleast 50% of the household chores every week, I never let her be a housekeeper of any sort, I took care of our closeness on other levels as well, I had long discussions with her, took her to nice dates all the time up to this day, I made sure I did nothing that I had previously learned that could cause issues. We also used to do lots of kinky stuff, and now she only wants to have sex exactly same way every time, and refuses most of the special stuff we once enjoyed. When I confront her about all of this, the only two explanations she can give me are: - She does not perceive herself beautiful. - She does not think about sex, like none. Sex or sexuality has no place in her daily thoughts. These are facts for her, because I have confronted her many times and the explanations have stayed the same throughout the years. I can`t understand either of them. She is a beautiful woman, and she looks just the same as she did when we met. Every time we go out, I can see people looking at her, and she even gets pick up attempts regularly. That is not a good thing in my mind of course, but she is loyal and I think that kind of stuff should only keep her confidence high. The fact that sex has no place in her daily thoughts is just... wow. This is not the same woman I met. Something has definitely changed, but neither of us seems to know what. I have done a thorough research about her situation by asking certain questions also while we are not discussing this issue, and I`m positive she is not attracted to anyone else. She can`t name a single thing she would be missing in her life. She wants to be with me forever. She is not hiding anything. She feels like she can be her true self with me. There is no explanation. I`m just broken by this situation. I love her way more than I love sex, if I had to choose I would stick with her and never have sex again but then again I would most likely end myself at some point because of the depression caused by it. Still, I would not leave her. I love her so much. I know she loves me also, because she would not be with me anymore if she didn`t, this issue has raised so much hell for us.. It breaks me down when I approach her as gently as I can, trying to get her into the mood and she just kisses me quickly 1-3 times then turns away. Every time hurts more than previous, even though the amount of times this has happened is enormous. We still have sex though, but 10 times less than in the beginning, which was the amount of sex I want in my life. I also need the kinky stuff, it`s the salt for me. It has been ages since the last time she wanted stuff like that.. I don`t even remember how it felt anymore. Due to the constant distress I have been put by this situation, I have made a fool out of myself a great number of times. Unfortunately infront of her friends and family as well, as we have spent many alcohol infused nights together with everyone. I have no words to describe how bad it makes me feel. I have never been a jealous type of person, but this has just gone too far for me. Everytime I participate in a discussion where some other man gets to experience the kind of sex life I`m after, I can just feel the pressure exploding inside of me shouting out loud: Why am I treated so bad in my sexlife? This makes me say all kinds of idiotic sentences, no matter who is around.. And I just can`t help it. I tried a therapist two times because of the anger and frustration I felt, but it didn`t seem to go anywhere and I felt like I wasn`t understood. I have never cheated in my life, but as time goes by I`m beginning to lose the explanation for my loyalty. Back in days I used to be proud to be loyal and honest in a world where most people seem to cheat, but now I just feel like a fool doing so. I don`t know why I`m loyal anymore. I just wish there would be an answer to all of this, a right path to walk towards the kind of relationship I dream about, but I just can`t see it any better than I can see to the other side of our planet with naked eyes. Reaching it seems as impossible as escaping gravity without an engine of some kind. I have lost my reason to live.
  20. No, nice to meet you again wiseman. I have given up on hopes of her pleasing me a long time ago, sad to say.. this is another issue having nothing to do with that one in my perspective whereas it might in someone elses.
  21. I`m not that eager to get married in general. I don`t know why, but this is the way it has always been for me. We have discussed this, and I have actually made a promise to her that I will marry her eventually if that is what she desires. I have gven every promises humanly possible there is to her already, that I`m with her forever and I mean every word. Could you ellaborate a bit why you feel "my woman" is disrespectful? Just curious. I understand the concept of "my" having it certain tone to some folks, but here it`s just purely a statement of love just like a ring. I´m her man as well, no one elses. When I said the "ok you think this way if you want to" it wasnt any way cocky, it was me giving up on trying to figure out why she acted the way she acted because she didn`t actually care to tell me. If someone tells you bad stuff about yourself, should you care if that stuff ain`t true? In my opinion you shouldn`t care. I have committed to her every way possible. I can`t even describe it.. It feels like I I`m constantly asked in changing, giving up on something, and I`m always doing everything I can for her but I need to remain myself in the way. Sorry if my answer is a bit obnoxious, it`s just that I have really given my all here.
  22. Yes, it does botther me. I didn`t mean to say it wouldn`t. It didn`t bother me initially, but now it does. The time passes us by so fast that every time she does this she has also been nice to me a lot of times, so I forgive her, but deep down I ask myself if she has an idealization of an better man than myself in her brain. I want her to say everything she thinks, so how could I ask for boundaries.
  23. I quess she has. I have tolerated it because I have a very good level of self confidence, and to me it was kind of "Ok you think this way if you want to". I have not let it affect in my behaviour in any way.
  24. We have been together for 4 years, and live together. We have a good history together, only a couple of big fights that we have sorted out from both of our perspectives and I believe we are happy together as a couple determined to be together. She has even told me that she would like to marry me, often. No signs of she wanting do break up with me whatsoever. She is fun, intelligent, beautiful and everything I want in a woman. Yet she demonstrates this unexplainable disrespect towards me often, and I`m lost both on both why and how respond. She tells bad things about my level of intelligence, and has also given me an impression that she doesn`t think I`m capable of protecting her physically. Both of these things cause serious confusion in me, not because that I would lose any confidence and of because her having false believes in me instead. I know I`m capable both mentally and physically, yet she only disregards those qualities in me everytime there is a possibility to do so. We have a bit of different interests which might be because of our age gap which is 9 years. She enjoys some things I find dull, and listens to some music I find annoying insteal of musical but I try to be in them and support her in doing what she enjoys. We have also similar interest though, as well as hobbies so i quess this field is doing well. Both of us have jobs, and our economy is well. Every time I try talking with her about this stuff, she just gets upset and claims that there is nothing to talk about. Just as if there was no issue to her, except me asking about it. She completely ignores me, when I tell her I need to be respected by my woman instead of what she`s doing. Any ideas on why she might be acting this way, or what should I do about it?
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