Iamlost1234 Posted March 16, 2017 Share Posted March 16, 2017 I've been in this relationship for nearly 9 years, we have been engaged the last year. We have a house together, started a property business together. We are both teachers but have been planning career changes. He has started first and I've been very proud and supportive. That business is now booming so we agreed it's time to start preparing for the wedding and once that's done I can start thinking about my new career. The problem now is that since a venue has been booked and save the dates have gone out he has rapidly changed towards me. We had a serious chat and he can't decide if it's the business that's stressing him out or if he has lost interest in me. This was hard to take but I've tried to be supportive and give him space to figure it out. It's now been a few weeks and not much has changed. I'm feeling in the cold and he's doing all he can to avoid the issue. Am I wasting my time hanging around? Should I just call it a day or give him more time? Link to comment
Boughtandpaidfor Posted March 16, 2017 Share Posted March 16, 2017 Hey there, Maybe he needs to talk to someone but you're not the best person for that, in this situation (he needs to express fears etc. but doesn't want to upset you). Does he have someone else to talk about it with? Do you? Link to comment
Betterwithout Posted March 16, 2017 Share Posted March 16, 2017 Sounds like you have a lot of stresses weighing on both of your shoulders. Career changes for not one, but both of you. Wedding planning According to your other post yesterday, you are sleeping in separate beds? The honeymoon has ended before it has even begun! A red flag in my opinion. Do you love him, like really love him. Does he love you, like really love you? After 9 years that feeling gets a little foggy and "comfortable". You are going to have to do some soul searching on your own and together BEFORE you walk down the aisle. Regardless of "save the date" cards being sent out....it is much better to throw in the towel before you tie the knot, no? What do you do for fun as a couple? Link to comment
Iamlost1234 Posted March 16, 2017 Author Share Posted March 16, 2017 Thank you for replying. I have tried to figure it out with two close friends, both have slightly different views but both agree I give him more time as there is a lot to throw away, we were that dream couple (I think). I think he has tried to talk it out with his mum and got advice from from a friend (but this person also works with him in the new business) Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted March 16, 2017 Share Posted March 16, 2017 It's not that unusual for couple who have lived together for years and years to break up once they get married; it means that one or both of them has overstepped the level of commitment/intimacy they can cope with. Weddings are touted as very joyous occasions, and on one level they are, but they are also very stressful and expensive. So is starting a new business, and having both happening within a relatively short space of time will be putting his stress levels through the roof. (I know teaching's stressful, too, but it's a different kind of stress!) If I were you, I'd cancel the wedding, and see how things pan out between you. If everything goes back to normal you have your answer. If they don't, you also have your answer - but without all the expense that would go with it... Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted March 16, 2017 Share Posted March 16, 2017 It seems you were fine for almost a decade with your relationship careers house, etc, no? It sounds like the wedding stuff is stressing him out which of course he doesn't want to tell you. Make sure you are not in bridezilla mode and everything is about cakes and color of flowers and dresses and so on. Stop talking about that. Talk to you friends and family about that stuff. Also make sure you are on the same page as far as budget, etc. it's time to start preparing for the wedding and once that's done I can start thinking about my new career. The problem now is that since a venue has been booked and save the dates have gone out he has rapidly changed towards me. We had a serious chat and he can't decide if it's the business that's stressing him out or if he has lost interest in me. ] Link to comment
Iamlost1234 Posted March 16, 2017 Author Share Posted March 16, 2017 Oh...I didn't think that post went out as I couldn't find it anywhere and it's not linked to my account! How might I find it so I can read those replies? Thank you for your advice here. The soul searching is important I think, and yes sleeping in separate beds is awful, I hate that fact, but it's a strategy for soul searching I think. Right now we are doing nothing for fun together, all our activities are separate, with one busy thing after another. I suggested we have a date night or day (things we used to do when we started out) but his reply was that he couldn't gaurentee that he could always commit to that and he hated it when he saw that I was let down. He didn't want to let me down anymore. The crazy thing is I have never thought he has let me down. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted March 16, 2017 Share Posted March 16, 2017 ] How might I find it so I can read those replies? Link to comment
Iamlost1234 Posted March 16, 2017 Author Share Posted March 16, 2017 Thank you for replying! I agree, I think cancelling the wedding is a good shout. I am quite easy going and perhaps really lazy with the planning, I've done very little as we wanted to keep it simple and 'shot gun' like. I'm sure it's not a bridezila thing, more of "oh crap we are doing it now" and to be fair I felt the same but love him dearly and just want to be able to say "my husband" rather than "my boyfriend" Link to comment
Betterwithout Posted March 16, 2017 Share Posted March 16, 2017 It's not that unusual for couple who have lived together for years and years to break up once they get married; it means that one or both of them has overstepped the level of commitment/intimacy they can cope with. Yes, this does happen countless times unfortunately. Almost like the "don't fix what aint broke" philosophy. I know a few couples that have been together many years because they claim it because they avoided tying the knot, and all the drama that comes with a wedding. Still, I believe successful marriages are built on a true commitment and getting married at the right time for the right reasons. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted March 17, 2017 Share Posted March 17, 2017 In 9 years you haven't married. Who would you say is more responsible for that delay? Link to comment
notalady Posted March 17, 2017 Share Posted March 17, 2017 Sleeping in seperate beds and never doing activities together, sounds like you're just room mates. Certainly not a good start to a marriage. The best bonding I have with my boyfriend is when we do activities together, you create new memories and new things to talk about, it bring you closer. Once you stop doing that, I think the bond gets weaker and weaker over time until it breaks. Whether he like it or not, he's going to have to commit to setting aside time to do things with you as a couple, if he wants to continue. Postponing and both of you do some soul searching of what you both want is a good call. Link to comment
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