what do i do?

[Ery1988]

me and my boyfriend have been dating for 20 months. we met whilst I was going through my divorce (he wasn't a rebound because I had already met someone before him for a couple of months)....my ex husband was toxic, and gave us problems. so we were on and off for sometime, but always very much linked and in love. we decided beset to keep the kids out of our relationship.

 

for the past 3 months we have been giving the relationship a good shot. and had an amazing time, we have gone away on weekends, been very much in love. constant I love yous, phonecalls and presents etc. dinners out...we've had the best time ever.

 

things went to a halt when his dad was hospitalised for a minor operation. he got stressed, and I didn't help because I felt left out. I have not met the family because of our situation. we argued a bit and had a fall out. we then saw each other, talked things out and spent the night together. however, he has turned around and said that he has realised from spending time with his family and niece this past week, that he wants to start a family soon, and that he doesn't want to have his children exposed to my ex husband. so he has decided to end things. he said he loved me, but that he will have to settle for second best because of my situation.

 

this man is the love of my life. we really love each other...I have fought a lot for him. hes always come back, and I just feel he is feeling down.

what should my response to him be?

[SherrySher]

He sounds serious. He wants a relationship that isn't connected to an ex husband due to children.

He probably came to this realisations because of his Dad being so ill and further more being around family. He has had time to think about this and he sounds like he definitely knows what he wants.

Unfortunately OP, you need to let this go. Sometimes feelings of love won't be enough in situations such as this and he probably has seen enough of the ex husband now to know he wants none of it anymore.

[Andrina]

Stop labeling him as "the love of my life," because obviously, he's not. He took a risk and for him, it didn't pan out. If your ex-husband continues to be toxic, I'd try to set up a mediator to discuss child custody issues and other boundaries that need to be set up. Your children are being exposed to toxicity, so whatever it takes to make things right is what I'd be doing right now.

 

Your children have had to adjust to a new way of life with the divorce. For now, it's probably in their best interest and yours for you to stay single and concentrate on them right now, and to get things straightened out with the ex as far as boundaries go. Jumping into another relationship is trying to put a bandaid on a wound that's not going to heal until you've learned to be happy solo, before bringing another person in to share your joy. Good luck.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. He's right. Your ex should not be his problem. You need to use the courts, attorneys, law enforcement etc. to effectively manage your situation. Why was the relationship on/off? Because of a messy divorce or his reluctance to be involved?

 

For example: is there court ordered child support and visitation that specifies everything including exchanges in a neutral place? Have you gotten a restraining order? Now matter who you date, it's your job to create a solid boundary from your ex and get the visitation under control.

 

What do you mean by this?: "I have not met the family because of our situation.". What was "our situation"?

me and my boyfriend have been dating for 20 months. we met whilst I was going through my divorce. my ex husband was toxic, and gave us problems. so we were on and off for sometime.

he has realised from spending time with his family and niece this past week, that he wants to start a family soon, and that he doesn't want to have his children exposed to my ex husband. so he has decided to end things.

[Ery1988]

my divorce is finished over a year ago... and all visitation was agreed. its been 6 months I moved out of the matrimonial home into my own home. and 6 months of complete peace and quiet.

 

I did not meet his family because I was living in my exs home and things were messy...but they aren't now and it sbeen the case for 6 months now

[nutbrownhare]

Sadly, he's looked at the whole package, realised that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you AND your ex-husband, and is walking away. He senses that he will be sidelined and will be putting his kids at risk if he stays with you, and he really wants a relationship that he can be in wholeheartedly.

 

I've walked away from otherwise promising relationships where there was a significant ex in the background, and he's just being realistic.

 

For yourself, you need to get mechanisms in place which will minimise the impact of your ex in your current life - and that's regardless of any future dating.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately that situation took it's toll. It's amazing he dated you for 14 mos, putting up with that.

 

Now that your living situation and divorce are under control, start dating with a clean slate.

its been 6 months I moved out of the matrimonial home into my own home. I did not meet his family because I was living in my exs home and things were messy.

[Gary Snyder]

Stalker exs can be a dealbreaker. I can't blame him, sorry.

 

Is there anyway you can get rid of the ex? Do you have kids together?