adam1998 Posted March 7, 2017 Share Posted March 7, 2017 Hey! I have had an issue with my girlfriend recently. The problem is that when we go out to the nightclub to dance, she likes to dance with everyone, including strange men. Her style of dancing is strictly nonsexual(only social and for fun) and I do trust her fully to not take it any further. What I do feel is though that it hurts me anyway to see her dancing with other men, especially knowing many guys intentions out dancing with girls in night clubs. I tried to expressed this to her, that she crossed a line and that it hurt me, hoping that she would understand and immediately stop. The problem is, I think she understands where I am coming from, but she still has a hard time of completely letting go of dancing with other men, especially since she feels as though I am trying to control and restrict her, which is not at all my intention. I just don't want to keep getting hurt. I really want to be in this relationship, but this just doesn't feel good for me. It makes me feel anxious and unloved basically, that she doesn't want to sacrifice something as insignificant as dancing with other men, for my sake. Shouldn't she feel as though my feelings and well-being comes before that? I would really appreciate all the help I could get in this subject, cause I'm really feeling quite helpless. Thanks in beforehand / Adam Link to comment
Billie28 Posted March 7, 2017 Share Posted March 7, 2017 This is your issue not hers. Some men do dance at clubs because they enjoy it, they are not all predators! Sounds like you aren't into dancing and perhaps in the past you only danced in an attempt to meet girls so you are projecting your own ways onto every other man on the dance floor. And then asking her to stop doing something she enjoys out of your fears. If you do infact trust her, then why does this hurt you? Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted March 7, 2017 Share Posted March 7, 2017 Unfortunately it's true you can't "restrict or control" her. Why not think of better one-on-one dates and not set things up to fail like this? Why aren't you dancing with her? She's not "hurting you", however you mentioned it makes you uncomfortable/jealous and she keeps on carrying on. Either break up knowing what you do about her or learn to not be jealous and cultivate a "who cares, it just dancing" mindset. To be honest what about things like weddings etc. it's expected that people dance with others. The problem is that when we go out to the nightclub to dance, she likes to dance with everyone, including strange men. I do feel is though that it hurts me anyway to see her dancing with other men. she feels as though I am trying to control and restrict her. Link to comment
adam1998 Posted March 7, 2017 Author Share Posted March 7, 2017 Unfortunately it's true you can't "restrict or control" her. Why not think of better one-on-one dates and not set things up to fail like this? Why aren't you dancing with her? She's not "hurting you", however you mentioned it makes you uncomfortable/jealous and she keeps on carrying on. Either break up knowing what you do about her or learn to not be jealous and cultivate a "who cares, it just dancing" mindset. To be honest what about things like weddings etc. it's expected that people dance with others. Okay, so you think I am in the wrong? The fact is that weddings would be completely fine but I just mind when it's in the nightclub. What should I do? Maybe if I could dance with other girls aswell I would feel more comfortable. I just think that she wouldn't appreciate that and that feels quite contradictory. Link to comment
adam1998 Posted March 7, 2017 Author Share Posted March 7, 2017 Shouldn't it hurt me if I would trust her completely? I actually love dancing, especially with her. But I feel as though she should be loyal enough to show all the guys she's mine, but am I wrong? Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted March 7, 2017 Share Posted March 7, 2017 Don't go to clubs if you can't handle it. And no she doesn't need to be on a leash when you go out or at any other time. Focus on your insecurities and jealousy before it grows worse. I actually love dancing, especially with her. But I feel as though she should be loyal enough to show all the guys she's mine, but am I wrong? Link to comment
DancingFool Posted March 7, 2017 Share Posted March 7, 2017 Shouldn't it hurt me if I would trust her completely? I actually love dancing, especially with her. But I feel as though she should be loyal enough to show all the guys she's mine, but am I wrong? ...ummm....yes you are wrong. She is a human being not a car, i.e. not a possession that you show off to other people as "mine". You don't own another person and shouldn't think of it like that. This kind of possessive thinking is rather unhealthy. Also sounds like you are very young and a bit inexperienced and need to do to some growing and maturing emotionally. Meaning that no, your gf dancing shouldn't hurt you, especially when you trust her and she is not dancing inappropriately by your own admission. Link to comment
Gary Snyder Posted March 7, 2017 Share Posted March 7, 2017 What difference does it make if she dances with other men, but goes home with you? You are looking at it the wrong way. When other men dance with her, it shows that she is desirable - that's a good thing! A sane woman who is in love with you is naturally monogamous, you have nothing to worry about. Link to comment
Dahl Posted March 7, 2017 Share Posted March 7, 2017 Shouldn't it hurt me if I would trust her completely? I actually love dancing, especially with her. But I feel as though she should be loyal enough to show all the guys she's mine, but am I wrong? I don't think that you are wrong. You have assigned meaning to your perspective that makes sense to you and you're trying to work this out with your girlfriend. I think that you're genuinely interested in resolving this and I commend you on your efforts to keep from being controlling. I don't think that your girlfriend is wrong, either. My take on her attitude is that it really is an innocuous activity for her. She seems to be well aware of the pitfalls of going dancing in a club and she sounds smart and self-possessed. She's there to dance and she's not letting some chap and his personal designs to get in the way of her right to go out and have a good time on her terms. She's not hiding anything from you and she's being true to herself. She seems like she's got her act together. My suggestion for your consideration is to try to adjust your interpretation of what's actually happening. You want to present to the world at large that you two are a solid couple, happily committed, and that she's your girl. I think that she's projecting this message, already, because you're the one she's intimate with, you're the one who gets her romantic attention, and you're the one she chooses to leave the club with. I think that she deserves your trust and I don't think you'll go wrong to honor her wishes to not have her activities curtailed - not necessarily by you, but because of other people (men) and their desires. Don't let someone else dictate how you and your girlfriend enjoy your time out dancing together. Don't let anyone negatively impact your girlfriend's right to simply have a good time dancing, not you accidentally hindering her with your concerns and certainly not anyone else, regardless what they might think or want. All that matters is what you and she decide. Good luck. Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted March 7, 2017 Share Posted March 7, 2017 Okay, so you think I am in the wrong? The fact is that weddings would be completely fine but I just mind when it's in the nightclub. What should I do? Maybe if I could dance with other girls aswell I would feel more comfortable. I just think that she wouldn't appreciate that and that feels quite contradictory. Has she said you're not to dance with others? Because that is again, you making the issue. Link to comment
j.man Posted March 7, 2017 Share Posted March 7, 2017 It's the opposite in my relationship. I enjoy dancing, particularly Salsa, but it's not my girlfriend's cup of tea. I'm very frequently pawned off to her friends and have danced with strangers. Not a big deal. That said, I'd never go to a club and grind on a woman as a form of "dance." Probably not ever, but especially not as a taken man. I also wouldn't be OK with my girlfriend doing that. However, if your girlfriend is dancing, as you admit, completely asexually, then I'd say without a doubt you're being insecure. Link to comment
indea08 Posted March 7, 2017 Share Posted March 7, 2017 I agree with jman. Dancing isn't a big deal in women's minds. Most of us love to dance. And honestly, it's more fun having different partners. You learn new moves, you get to re-impress someone with your own moves, etc. I'm very tall, I'm 6'2" and my legs are like 75% of me lol....my sweet husband is about 5'10" and has cute little short/stout legs. As you can imagine, us dancing together doesn't exactly "flow". So I go dancing myself, and I typically look for the tallest men in the room. I don't care if they're handsome or not, I don't care if they're my dads age (although I find that age group is way better at pretty much every type of dancing I like), whatever. I care if they can dance. We have our fun, thank each other for the dance, and home I go to snuggle with husband. It's nothing emotional or sexy. It's just fun for us. Try to see it that way. Link to comment
Krankor Posted March 7, 2017 Share Posted March 7, 2017 OP, maybe clubs aren't really your scene and you'd do better with a girl who's not into them. Otherwise, you just need to get over this. She isn't doing anything wrong. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted March 7, 2017 Share Posted March 7, 2017 Agree....OP, maybe clubs aren't really your scene and you'd do better with a girl who's not into them. ] Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.