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He is moving too fast for my comfort


Silky Vixen

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Hello All,

 

I haven't been here for quite some time but just recently I came back to dating world and again - I have a problem.

 

At the end of January a guy texted me on facebook. We were talking for few hours, then talked on the phone and then met in the evening for a coffee. All in the same day. Talking to him was really nice, he got out of long term relationship a year ago and was looking for someone again. We decided to go out and give it a try, but then it happened all too fast. We meet every weekend, and talk via phone everyday. But 2 weeks after we know each other he was already saying he loves me, telling all his friends and parents about me.

 

He made me change facebook status cause he wanted us to be official, started mentioning marriage and etc. Recently he wants me to stop taking pills, because I should consider my age (Im already 32) and also why I don't want to have his baby. It's all 1,5 month into relationship!

 

I really like him, he is older than me by 5 years, funny, smart and all, but... Recently he wants me to stay over at his place every weekend but I am just scared of everything going too quick

 

I told him about my concerns, but as he stopped talking about marriage he started about pill dropping, then about staying over. He says everything is going my way so I should at least stay over. Am I overreacting and too used to being single or is it all just wrong?

 

I'm sorry for this long, long post but I just wanted some insight. I feel like maybe it is something wrong with me and I should work on myself more...

 

I appreciate any thoughts.

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Hello and welcome back!

 

Eek, I think that your pause is entirely well-founded. Especially the (my words) pressure to conform to his expectations and desires regarding your management of your birth control. I would not have been as diplomatic as you were.

 

I realize that you already said that you bring your concerns to his attention and I understood you to say that he drops the matter accordingly, but how do you feel you're being received? Also, does he seem to be open and solicitous to your input about him/his life?

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Wow, your instincts seem correct that there are some red flags here. Stick with your boundaries and pace and consider dropping someone who is already telling you how to run your life.

2 weeks after we know each other he was already saying he loves me, telling all his friends and parents about me.

He made me change facebook status cause he wanted us to be official, started mentioning marriage and etc.

Recently he wants me to stop taking pills

He says everything is going my way so I should at least stay over

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Thank you for quick replies.

 

He is not very open to my concerns, giving me example of people who got married fast and are happy. Saying also we are old enough to quit dating, cause we can date all our lifes. Yesterday on the phone we had disagreement because he wanted me to stay over again, but I said "no". He didn't call me today, nor he replied to my message so I don't know what to think anymore.

 

He also told me last week (since I expressed my concerns) that if I want to break up, then I should do it now because it will hurt him less now then later. All I wanted was to talk things through though. In the end of the day I always feel guilty of not being what he wants me to be. I'm a bit lost.

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You need to trust your instincts and walk away now, before things get worse. No good ever comes of someone who high-pressure sales you on why you should rush into a relationship with them when you barely know them, and marriage and telling you he wants you to get pregnant?

 

Good grief, why is this guy working so hard to lock you down, so you can't leave him?

 

I'm sorry, no don't even go to his house. Just end it. That kind of urgency usually means they're afraid you'll find something bad out about them and yes, there is usually something bad to be found out. They have emotional issues, or past abuse issues, or are unstable and desperate to have someone else provide all their happiness for them or something else.

 

Tell him it's done, do yourself a massive favor of not agreeing to be friends or "let him down easy" and go pick up a copy of the book "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker, today.

 

That's not normal. Being excited about a new love sure, but he's frantically trying to lock you to him by pushing for a baby before I bet you even know where he works or even what his favorite cereal is. I repeat, there is no good that ever comes from someone who is all but trying to get you into a figurative headlock to drag you to have to be locked to him.

 

Run for the door and don't look back. I am dead on serious about that. And no, do not sleep with this one. Period. End it today or this is going to turn into one of those really awful "I wish I'd listened to myself" life lessons that can get really out of hand, really fast. It already has. You should have not agreed to a committed relationship in the first place. No way. Something is really wrong here.

 

P.S. Hide your birth control. This kind of desperate will replace those pills and work hard at getting you deliberately pregnant. And once you are, yeah good luck being able to run and hide.

 

Just run now. If you were a guy and it were a girl acting this way I'd say the same thing. I can smell the "I'm trying to control her" from here and it isn't pretty.

 

P.S. And now I see he's manipulating you with the whole "silent treatment" and guilt-tripping. Jeez, this guy could not be any more classic textbook potential abuser if he tried. Look up the warning signs, they're all there.

 

Take especially a hard look at points 2, 5 and 6, 'cause I'm already seeing those red flags. You should be too. It's not okay that he's guilt tripping you not to want to rush out and get married and pregnant to someone you barely know.

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Run from this guy if you feel this way

In the end of the day I always feel guilty of not being what he wants me to be. I'm a bit lost.
Heads up:

 

"Indicators of an Abusive Partner

 

Pressures you to move fast in a relationship or pushes for immediate commitment.

Has been abusive in past relationships.

Believes in stereotyped gender roles and male supremacy, and is domineering.

Is very jealous and possessive. Isolates you from your friends and family and may try to persuade you not to have a job.

Has two sides to his or her personality—others see your partner as a good person, but behind closed doors, he or she is angry and aggressive toward you.

Experiences most emotions in the form of anger and has difficulty conveying other emotions.

Has a violent temper and quickly changing moods.

Is cruel to animals or children and is insensitive to their suffering.

Monitors your whereabouts, activities or spending.

Does not listen to you when you say "no" or try to assert your boundaries."

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He also told me last week (since I expressed my concerns) that if I want to break up, then I should do it now because it will hurt him less now then later. All I wanted was to talk things through though. In the end of the day I always feel guilty of not being what he wants me to be. I'm a bit lost.

 

Ok listen to yourself, this is where you say goodbye to him. He's trying to control your relationship with him yet you two barely know each other. Stopping your birth control pills would be a HUGE mistake. Surely you dont plan to get pregnant by this guy anytime soon.

 

He's in too much of a hurry for a really serious relationship and that's a BIG red flag.

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I feel like maybe it is something wrong with me and I should work on myself more...
I'm sorry, but you're correct here, just not for reasons you think. The fact you even have to ask after all that is very troubling, and that you're somehow thinking about how to spin it where you're the problem is even more so.

 

Do yourself a favor. Don't just stop dating him, but stop dating altogether. Consider therapy because your codependency is going to get you into trouble

 

Best of luck with everything.

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Goodness.

 

Personally, I find his antics alarming.

 

Particularly his continuous overriding of your objections and differing opinions.

 

And exceptionally so when he punishes you for not complying with his demands by withholding, silent treatment nonsense and challenging you with breaking up if you won't behave as he dictates.

 

I'm concerned that he's launched a campaign to wear you down/out until you are too exhausted / disoriented to feel like you *can* object and possibly warp your will to do so, at all.

 

I'm sorry but I hope that you stop seeing this chap at all and at once. This is not a reasonable or healthy way to relate to you.

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Typical abuser tactics.

Fast track you into a relationship while you are in the high infatuation stage.

 

This way you'll overlook the glaring red flags and once he's got you locked down, he'll unleash the rest.

 

I can't imagine what `the rest' looks like, but by his relentless insistence, it can't be pretty.

 

Listen to your intuition. It's there for you for a reason.

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Also, in addition to the other issues I have with this bloke, I think it was phenomenally crummy of him to try to manipulate you using your age.

 

You're just fine for any life decisions *you* want to make, when *you* want to make them. I hope he didn't hurt your confidence in keeping to your own time line.

 

You have loads of time to do what you want to do, should you want to do it, from getting married to having children - I'm just appalled that he's trying to force your hand by means of his agenda/supposed perception of some biological clock.

 

Good riddance.

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I will let you know. I need to give back his apartment keys unfortunately. So this weekend I need to meet one last time.

 

I'm not pretending it won't be difficult, but I keep all your comments in my mind.

 

I know I am not that young anymore. I am well aware I may not have the family I always wanted, but still I cannot force myself to rush into it with the person I just met.

 

PS. He just texted me that it appears we have different view on the relationship, so I think he will want to end it as well.

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I will let you know. I need to give back his apartment keys unfortunately. So this weekend I need to meet one last time.

 

I'm not pretending it won't be difficult, but I keep all your comments in my mind.

 

I know I am not that young anymore. I am well aware I may not have the family I always wanted, but still I cannot force myself to rush into it with the person I just met.

 

PS. He just texted me that it appears we have different view on the relationship, so I think he will want to end it as well.

 

He just continues to strike me as more and more manipulative and less and less as good of a prospect as he seems to think, certainly.

 

Silky! You are *too* young!

 

I'm older than you and *I'm* young.

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Can you just send his apartment keys somehow? Maybe mail them to him? Not that having to see him that briefly would be a huge deal but you may end up being sucked into some stupid drama.

 

He's right about one thing: if you're going to break up, now is the time to do it. The longer you wait, the more he'll have you on lock-down, isolated from friends and family and questioning your sanity.

 

Maybe take a little break from dating as jman suggests and make sure your head is in a healthy place before you get back into it, preferably through counseling. You aren't that old and it's worth the time.

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Thank you

 

I should mail but I know he is not picking up his post. I will bring my friend with me, leave the key and that's it.

 

Maybe I will try counselling, not like I have anything to lose anyway.

 

Clarification: I meant 'too' as in 'indeed' not 'excessively' - I need to add a grammar watch to my spell fails

 

I hope you do pursue counseling, not at *all* as a criticism, but because I believe that mental health care is as much an investment in our overall well-being as dental and, say, optometry. I include myself in this, as well.

 

Absolutely a good idea to take your friend with you for the exchange. I'm not trying to be an alarmist, but I just don't get a positive read on this chap.

 

Best of luck, Silky.

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