mwate009 Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 I need help. I met my wife in 2010 while she was here on a visa. She's from Russia. I was a bouncer and DJ and bartender when we met. I had just graduated with my bachelors in IT but hadn't started working in the field yet. We met at a club I worked at. For the first month it was about sex and we started having feelings for each other. Then she left to finish her masters back in Russia. 3 weeks after she left I suggested we do a long distance relationship because I had been messing around with strippers for the past year and those relationships we're unfulfilling to me. 2 months into the long distance relationship I told her I loved her and she returned it after 3 weeks. I went to visit her 6 months into it and proposed to her and she accepted. I visited her again for my birthday and she came over and we got married after 1.5 years of the long distance. Immediately after we got married I changed. I for some reason got it in my head that my job was to provide for her and I forgot about the emotional aspect of being married. I worked every night in the clubs to provide for her and after 2 years got a job in another state paying decent money as an IT manager. It got me out of the clubs and she thought I would change and stop being cold to her emotionally. I didn’t realize I was being as cold as I was. When we moved I was working a lot and got promoted to IT director in a year and a half. I had more responsibilities and worked harder at my job. But she started pulling away from me after 4 years into the marriage. I saw it happening but didn't do much because I didn't understand she was falling out of love with me. I tried to bring us closer by playing a multiplayer online Star Wars game since we are both Star Wars fans. 2 days into playing she was on it 15 hours a day. This continued throughout year 5 of our marriage and I finally woke up to it this past September as we moved into our new house that we just bought. I asked her during an argument for a list of everything that she didn't like about me and I changed every one of them. Things got better in October and in November we even had sex a few times which we hadn't in 6 or 7 months. Then in December she told me everything I was doing was perfect but it reminds her of when I wasn't doing those things. Around this time I got promoted again, this time to CIO – Chief Information Officer(the highest IT position in a company) I make ok money but at the next company I will make around 150K easy. Also in December she said she didn't know if she wanted to try to fix things. We had Christmas with my family and put on a charade like everything was OK. I offered to fly her mom over to visit thinking it would help. The economic situation in Russia is bad right now. Her mom wanted to go work in a bigger city here in the US to make money in a Russian grocery store or restaurant because her English is nonexistent. my wife told me again she didn’t want to try in January. My wife saw this as an escape from me. so a week after her mom arrived she "moved out" as she tells her friends. Half of her stuff is still in our house. 3 days before she left things got better between us. The night before we even made out in bed. then she left and told me to get the house remodeling done before she got back that I was planning to do. Before she left I bugged her phone. I can hear everything around the phone. Record calls and text messages. See her location. She and her mom are renting a room with another girl whose lease is up in August. I paid for their 1st moths rent and she has my credit cards to use. I was trying to be supportive of her while she gets another masters in graphic design from a good school that offers it in an accelerated online format and to think things through down there about our marriage. But as I listened to the calls I heard her mention another guy. I started listening to everything going on around the phone more intensely. When I sent her flowers and candy for Valentines day her mom asked why she didn’t get anything from the other guy. My wife said he didn’t have the address. SO as I listened I heard them talking. He was signing her songs and she was impressed. These are things I used to do and when I started doing them again a few months ago she still pulled away. Then I involved a mutual friend to talk to her. I listened to the conversation. She met him through the star wars game. He is an art school drop out in Oklahoma that is from Portugal and is going back in May. She said he fills an emotional void that I can’t. Last Friday I was in a meeting with other executives at work. I had my laptop up and I was reading some texts between this guy and my wife. They were considering meeting in person. I started flipping out in the meeting and the woman next to me got me out of the conference room before anyone else noticed. I felt like smashing the conference table right there and then. That night our mutual friend warned her to watch what she says to the guy because I am listening and if she ever wants to get back with me to not say anything bad that I might over hear. We haven’t spoke since then and its been 9 days. We did not even speak on our anniversary on the 22nd. I also had a cancer scare 2 weeks ago and she did not even offer to drive 5 hours to go to the doctors with me. I found out it was only a cyst but she has not gotten the nerve to ask the results because she doesn’t want to have the first conversation since I found out about the guy. The day before I found out for sure about the guy transferred enough money into her account to get her through march since she hasn’t found a job down there yet. I had to stop listening to her calls because it was driving me nuts and wasn’t good for me mentally. How can she try so hard for 4 years and then when I finally change then she runs away? Is she coming back? Better yet how do I get her back? I have heard lots of advice but nothing is working. She is blaming me for everything and I have admitted 90% is my fault. I wasn’t intentionally cold to her. I was just focusing on build a financially stable life for us. BTW I am 30 and she is 28 and this guy is 24. I need help. Please. Link to comment
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