I need help

[mwate009]

I need help.

I met my wife in 2010 while she was here on a visa. She's from Russia. I was a bouncer and DJ and bartender when we met. I had just graduated with my bachelors in IT but hadn't started working in the field yet. We met at a club I worked at. For the first month it was about sex and we started having feelings for each other. Then she left to finish her masters back in Russia. 3 weeks after she left I suggested we do a long distance relationship because I had been messing around with strippers for the past year and those relationships we're unfulfilling to me. 2 months into the long distance relationship I told her I loved her and she returned it after 3 weeks. I went to visit her 6 months into it and proposed to her and she accepted. I visited her again for my birthday and she came over and we got married after 1.5 years of the long distance. Immediately after we got married I changed. I for some reason got it in my head that my job was to provide for her and I forgot about the emotional aspect of being married. I worked every night in the clubs to provide for her and after 2 years got a job in another state paying decent money as an IT manager. It got me out of the clubs and she thought I would change and stop being cold to her emotionally. I didn’t realize I was being as cold as I was. When we moved I was working a lot and got promoted to IT director in a year and a half. I had more responsibilities and worked harder at my job. But she started pulling away from me after 4 years into the marriage. I saw it happening but didn't do much because I didn't understand she was falling out of love with me. I tried to bring us closer by playing a multiplayer online Star Wars game since we are both Star Wars fans.

 

2 days into playing she was on it 15 hours a day. This continued throughout year 5 of our marriage and I finally woke up to it this past September as we moved into our new house that we just bought. I asked her during an argument for a list of everything that she didn't like about me and I changed every one of them. Things got better in October and in November we even had sex a few times which we hadn't in 6 or 7 months. Then in December she told me everything I was doing was perfect but it reminds her of when I wasn't doing those things. Around this time I got promoted again, this time to CIO – Chief Information Officer(the highest IT position in a company) I make ok money but at the next company I will make around 150K easy. Also in December she said she didn't know if she wanted to try to fix things. We had Christmas with my family and put on a charade like everything was OK. I offered to fly her mom over to visit thinking it would help. The economic situation in Russia is bad right now. Her mom wanted to go work in a bigger city here in the US to make money in a Russian grocery store or restaurant because her English is nonexistent. my wife told me again she didn’t want to try in January. My wife saw this as an escape from me. so a week after her mom arrived she "moved out" as she tells her friends. Half of her stuff is still in our house. 3 days before she left things got better between us. The night before we even made out in bed. then she left and told me to get the house remodeling done before she got back that I was planning to do. Before she left I bugged her phone. I can hear everything around the phone. Record calls and text messages. See her location. She and her mom are renting a room with another girl whose lease is up in August. I paid for their 1st moths rent and she has my credit cards to use. I was trying to be supportive of her while she gets another masters in graphic design from a good school that offers it in an accelerated online format and to think things through down there about our marriage. But as I listened to the calls I heard her mention another guy. I started listening to everything going on around the phone more intensely. When I sent her flowers and candy for Valentines day her mom asked why she didn’t get anything from the other guy.

 

My wife said he didn’t have the address. SO as I listened I heard them talking. He was signing her songs and she was impressed. These are things I used to do and when I started doing them again a few months ago she still pulled away. Then I involved a mutual friend to talk to her. I listened to the conversation. She met him through the star wars game. He is an art school drop out in Oklahoma that is from Portugal and is going back in May. She said he fills an emotional void that I can’t. Last Friday I was in a meeting with other executives at work. I had my laptop up and I was reading some texts between this guy and my wife. They were considering meeting in person. I started flipping out in the meeting and the woman next to me got me out of the conference room before anyone else noticed. I felt like smashing the conference table right there and then. That night our mutual friend warned her to watch what she says to the guy because I am listening and if she ever wants to get back with me to not say anything bad that I might over hear. We haven’t spoke since then and its been 9 days. We did not even speak on our anniversary on the 22nd. I also had a cancer scare 2 weeks ago and she did not even offer to drive 5 hours to go to the doctors with me. I found out it was only a cyst but she has not gotten the nerve to ask the results because she doesn’t want to have the first conversation since I found out about the guy. The day before I found out for sure about the guy transferred enough money into her account to get her through march since she hasn’t found a job down there yet. I had to stop listening to her calls because it was driving me nuts and wasn’t good for me mentally. How can she try so hard for 4 years and then when I finally change then she runs away? Is she coming back? Better yet how do I get her back? I have heard lots of advice but nothing is working. She is blaming me for everything and I have admitted 90% is my fault. I wasn’t intentionally cold to her. I was just focusing on build a financially stable life for us. BTW I am 30 and she is 28 and this guy is 24. I need help. Please.

[Hollyj]

Please break into paragraphs.

[lostandhurt]

I am sorry to hear your marriage is slowly dying.

 

First of all the other guy is a distraction not the problem. If he wasn't around she would still drift away.

 

Right now she has everything she wants and needs. She has the guy on the side giving her emotional support and excitement, her mother for moral support since she obviously approves of her daughter having an emotional affair and then she has you supporting her financially. What incentive does she have to even consider coming back?

 

If she is having an emotional affair why are you paying for it? Stop all financial help today.

If she knows you are waiting and begging for her to come back and will do anything to make that happen then she can play this out as long as she wants because she knows you will be patiently waiting when she feels like coming back. Stop begging, stop making promises, stop trying to convince her you have changed.

 

By doing these things you begin to have some control over your life. It is important for you to understand that you can only control the things you do and have zero control over what she does. If you can accept that and really grasp that you cannot make her do anything your frustration will slowly subside.

 

Next you shouldn't make ultimatums but you need to be clear with her that you will not accept her having an emotional affair and she needs to cut all contact with this other guy right away. If she refuses then simply tell her that you will let her know what you will do next and then stop all communication with her. Do not contact her again, let her contact you and when she does ask her if she has stopped all contact with the other guy. If not end the conversation.

 

Let her wonder what will you are going to do while she tries to pay her rent.

 

While this is going on you need to continue to work on yourself and prepare yourself that the marriage may be over. Also I would accept any more promotions or take a higher paying job as you are going to be on the hook for at least 2 to 3 years of alimony.

 

If you do not take a stand your marriage will not recover.

 

Keep posting

Lost

[mwate009]

I am sorry to hear your marriage is slowly dying.

 

First of all the other guy is a distraction not the problem. If he wasn't around she would still drift away.

 

Right now she has everything she wants and needs. She has the guy on the side giving her emotional support and excitement, her mother for moral support since she obviously approves of her daughter having an emotional affair and then she has you supporting her financially. What incentive does she have to even consider coming back?

 

If she is having an emotional affair why are you paying for it? Stop all financial help today.

If she knows you are waiting and begging for her to come back and will do anything to make that happen then she can play this out as long as she wants because she knows you will be patiently waiting when she feels like coming back. Stop begging, stop making promises, stop trying to convince her you have changed.

 

By doing these things you begin to have some control over your life. It is important for you to understand that you can only control the things you do and have zero control over what she does. If you can accept that and really grasp that you cannot make her do anything your frustration will slowly subside.

 

Next you shouldn't make ultimatums but you need to be clear with her that you will not accept her having an emotional affair and she needs to cut all contact with this other guy right away. If she refuses then simply tell her that you will let her know what you will do next and then stop all communication with her. Do not contact her again, let her contact you and when she does ask her if she has stopped all contact with the other guy. If not end the conversation.

 

Let her wonder what will you are going to do while she tries to pay her rent.

 

While this is going on you need to continue to work on yourself and prepare yourself that the marriage may be over. Also I would accept any more promotions or take a higher paying job as you are going to be on the hook for at least 2 to 3 years of alimony.

 

If you do not take a stand your marriage will not recover.

 

Keep posting

Lost

Cutting her off will be hard. I promised I would support her down there because I thought she was thinking things through. That was before I knew about the other guy. I'm worried she'd see it as another broken promise. But I'll still do it. She put so much into our marriage that I never returned. Part of me feels like I owe her. I never would have had the ambition without her.

 

I never knew how cold I was when I pushed her away because I was busy or when I was too tired for sex. I never knew she cried while I was at work because she thought I didn't love her.

 

She still sent my mom a birthday text yesterday. I don't know what to make of it.

 

What are my chances?

[lostandhurt]

Your chances are pretty slim if you keep acting like a doormat. If you make her make a choice right now you have a better shot at rebuilding this.

 

The longer she stays in the fantasy with this other guy the worst it is for you.

 

She is having an emotional affair and if she wants to continue it he can pay for it not you. Don't transfer anymore money to her and call the credit card company and put a hold on that card. If she wants to end the marriage then she doesn't get all the security it provides.

 

I assume her mother is here on a work visa correct?

 

Lost

[Lester]

Visas, bars, drunk body functions, strippers, phone calls, long distance whatever, visits, the saying of words (love), and then, after 1.5 years of mostly separate lives, marriage?

 

If true, you're trying to save what seems to be a forced/trapped non-marriage.

The normal steps taken to pull a back a real/genuine wife from the madness of an affair will most likely have no lasting effect.

 

Why? It's just more of the same pressure. She had to, by her own free will, want to be married to you.

The route you both took paralleled genuine marriage, but wasn't genuine marriage. (Substitution)

Sorry!

 

 

btw, You driving yourself to have a better career so you can build a better life with her is fairly normal.

 

PS, For more responses, please use paragraphs.

[mwate009]

Your chances are pretty slim if you keep acting like a doormat. If you make her make a choice right now you have a better shot at rebuilding this.

 

The longer she stays in the fantasy with this other guy the worst it is for you.

 

She is having an emotional affair and if she wants to continue it he can pay for it not you. Don't transfer anymore money to her and call the credit card company and put a hold on that card. If she wants to end the marriage then she doesn't get all the security it provides.

 

I assume her mother is here on a work visa correct?

 

Lost

Her mom is not here on a work visa. I wrote her the invitation letter that got her a tourist visa(most tourist visa we're getting denied at the time she applied in September).

 

I won't give her anymore money. I'll cut the card off as well but she hasn't used it since the 17th so I don't think she will anymore. She asked to borrow money from our mutual friend when he told her I knew about the other guy. He can't support her because he's an art school drop out that doesn't work and is going back to Portugal in May.

 

I am hoping she will reach out on March 2nd because her moms prepaid cell phone runs out then and I'm betting she will not know how to add money to it.

 

I don't know this side of a relationship because I've always been the one to end it in previous relationships.

 

You said not to make ultimatums but you also said to make her decide. How do I do that?

[mwate009]

Visas, bars, drunk body functions, strippers, phone calls, long distance whatever, visits, the saying of words (love), and then, after 1.5 years of mostly separate lives, marriage?

 

If true, you're trying to save what seems to be a forced/trapped non-marriage.

The normal steps taken to pull a back a real/genuine wife from the madness of an affair will most likely have no lasting effect.

 

Why? It's just more of the same pressure. She had to, by her own free will, want to be married to you.

The route you both took paralleled genuine marriage, but wasn't genuine marriage. (Substitution)

Sorry!

 

 

btw, You driving yourself to have a better career so you can build a better life with her is fairly normal.

 

PS, For more responses, please use paragraphs.

Yes, all of it is true and I can see what you mean about the marriage not seeming real. But the love was real. She showed it very much. I did too until I started focusing on my career.

[catfeeder]

See an attorney to learn whether filing for legal separation can protect you from any further debt incurred by her. Learn all of your options, then you can make more informed decisions when you're ready to do so. This is not the same thing as filing for divorce--it's information gathering.

[lostandhurt]

You make her choose by stopping all the support. If you tell her she has to stop all contact with her online affair and she refuses then you can guess she has chosen him over you right? BUT when you cut her off she will know you mean business with your actions not weak ultimatums or threats.

 

Let me put it this way. If the roles were revered and you were screwing around and were told to stop and start working on the marriage but refused and then your wife went silent and cut you off financially what would you think? You would think she is serious wouldn't you?

 

As far as the mother goes I don't think she can legally work without a work visa so she is just a tourist visiting her daughter. When does the visa run out?

 

In the end this may not be fixable but your only option is to take a firm stand, state what she needs to do to start repairing the marriage (no online bf) and stick to your word. This will never even get started unless you are both live close to each other.

 

Lost

[mwate009]

You make her choose by stopping all the support. If you tell her she has to stop all contact with her online affair and she refuses then you can guess she has chosen him over you right? BUT when you cut her off she will know you mean business with your actions not weak ultimatums or threats.

 

Let me put it this way. If the roles were revered and you were screwing around and were told to stop and start working on the marriage but refused and then your wife went silent and cut you off financially what would you think? You would think she is serious wouldn't you?

 

As far as the mother goes I don't think she can legally work without a work visa so she is just a tourist visiting her daughter. When does the visa run out?

 

In the end this may not be fixable but your only option is to take a firm stand, state what she needs to do to start repairing the marriage (no online bf) and stick to your word. This will never even get started unless you are both live close to each other.

 

Lost

 

The situation would never be reversed because I only want her since she left and we started the long distance relationship. So it's hard for me to think of reversed roles.

 

Her mom is planning on working under the table for cash at a Russian restaurant or grocery store or as a live in nanny for a Russian family.

 

My wife is applying for jobs but not getting them. I have listened to her interviews by turning the mic on her phone on before I stopped listening for my own sanity. She's too nervous and not getting hired.

 

After one of the interviews a week after she got down there I texted her to be supportive since she didn't get it. She layed into me about me never pushing her to get a career the past 5 years. Said "she invested to much into our marriage for a guy who didn't care enough to show he cared" and said "you are like a kid who had a toy he never played with and now that it's gone it's all I want".

 

Right now we are at a stand off on communication. Our mutual friend who talks to both of us every other day swears it's a tantrum and she'll be back if I wait it out. He has known her a few years longer than I have.

 

I can forgive a lot. It's my fault I'm in this situation. My end goal is to get her back more than anything.

 

She tried to end it in January when I was pushing her to decide on giving me a 2nd chance. She said "I don't think I want to try" and "I would only want one of our cars and a laptop if we split up" and "you earned everything we have, I didn't earn it". I convinced her back to being undecided.

 

She told her friend she didn't start having feelings for this guy until after she moved out. But she met him online in November.

 

Should I wait for her to say something first before telling her to she needs to end it with the other guy? Or should I just reach out first?

[catfeeder]

I have listened to her interviews by turning the mic on her phone on before I stopped listening for my own sanity.

 

If a husband or lover ever monitored me the way you're monitoring your wife, we'd be done for good.

 

How, exactly, is that 'helping' you?

[mwate009]

I thought that it would give me insight into what I was doing wrong. But I instead found out about this other guy.

 

She should have expected it from me. She knows I used to do this type of surveillance work for the government while I was in school and after school. I worked at the bars and strip clubs after that because I lost my clearance because I was in a relationship with her( I never told her why I was let go from that job). I was so good at this type of stuff growing up that a family friend got me a contracting job doing it.

 

Besides she used to pick up my phone every other day to check it for signs of infidelity. When she'd not find any she'd set it down and call me boring. It never bothered me that she was checking.

[Lester]

"Yes, all of it is true and I can see what you mean about the marriage not seeming real. But the love was real. She showed it very much. I did too until I started focusing on my career."

 

"Besides she used to pick up my phone every other day to check it for signs of infidelity. When she'd not find any she'd set it down and call me boring. It never bothered me that she was checking."

 

 

I don't know, your definition of what constitutes love keeps me scratching my head.

Her definition seems to center on the thrill of cheating.

 

I love to help you save you marriage but you're going to have to point out the parts to me that look like marriage

 

btw:

Focusing on your career (normal) while making more and more money would keep her busy with thoughts of building a great home, family and life. (There would be problems if you didn't improve in ten years.)

So why didn't it? Were you really that bad?

[mwate009]

"Yes, all of it is true and I can see what you mean about the marriage not seeming real. But the love was real. She showed it very much. I did too until I started focusing on my career."

 

"Besides she used to pick up my phone every other day to check it for signs of infidelity. When she'd not find any she'd set it down and call me boring. It never bothered me that she was checking."

 

I don't know, your definition of what constitutes love keeps me scratching my head.

Her definition seems to center around the thrill of cheating.

 

I love to help you save you marriage but you're going to have to point out the parts to me that look like marriage

She was dedicated to our marriage for the first 4 years. She tried everything to get me to show more affection towards her. She tried to have sex with me 3 times a day almost everyday but I was always tired and we did maybe once every other day. She took it as me not being attracted to her. One time I was falling asleep on the couch after being up for more than 24 hours. She stood me up and stripped me and pulled me to the kitchen and bent herself over the sink and pulled me behind her. I fell asleep after 2 minutes and collapsed on her somewhat. She then ran into the bedroom saying "you really know how to make a girl feel wanted " I know I should have followed her and talked it out but I went to the couch and fell asleep. She came out after an hour and woke me up and said," maybe I over reacted " and I just said nothing and went back to sleep and she layed there with me while I slept on the couch.

 

On other occasions she tried to do activities outside of the house like concerts and roller blading and short trips but I was busy building our financial future.

 

The real story is I had my priorities mixed up in the beginning but I fixed it now. I'll never get them mixed up again and I believe that she knows it.

 

I heard her say before I stopped listening "the fact that it took him so long to wake up is what bothers me the most"

[Lester]

"She tried to have sex with me 3 times a day almost everyday..."

- Maybe normal for an 18 year old.., but a married woman, with home and dreams of future?

 

"...but I was always tired..."

- Again, how could she not know this?

 

"...and we did maybe once every other day."

- After six months of marriage, this would be considered great by many newlyweds.

 

"She took it as me not being attracted to her."

- Very weird.

 

"On other occasions she tried to do activities outside of the house like concerts and roller blading and short trips but I was busy building our financial future."

- Normal.

 

"The real story is I had my priorities mixed up in the beginning but I fixed it now. I'll never get them mixed up again and I believe that she knows it."

- Okay, says who? If you stayed in a low paying job, didn't try to better yourself, spent all your free time banging her; She'd be happy? That's BS.

 

"I heard her say before I stopped listening "the fact that it took him so long to wake up is what bothers me the most""

- I don't know M, I've heard this sentence a thousand times here on ENA, and it made sense. With her, it just sounds rehearsed.

 

 

Either way, you insist it's a marriage, so I'll try to help.

Start by secretly purchasing James Dobson's "Love must be Tough" (Never let her see this book, and forget what you think you know about TL)

[mwate009]

"She tried to have sex with me 3 times a day almost everyday..."

- Maybe normal for an 18 year old.., but a married woman, with home and dreams of future?

 

"...but I was always tired..."

- Again, how could she not know this?

 

"...and we did maybe once every other day."

- After six months of marriage, this would be considered great by many newlyweds.

 

"She took it as me not being attracted to her."

- Very weird.

 

"On other occasions she tried to do activities outside of the house like concerts and roller blading and short trips but I was busy building our financial future."

- Normal.

 

"The real story is I had my priorities mixed up in the beginning but I fixed it now. I'll never get them mixed up again and I believe that she knows it."

- Okay, says who? If you stayed in a low paying job, didn't try to better yourself, spent all your free time banging her; She'd be happy? That's BS.

 

"I heard her say before I stopped listening "the fact that it took him so long to wake up is what bothers me the most""

- I don't know M, I've heard this sentence a thousand times here on ENA, and it made sense. With her, it just sounds rehearsed.

 

 

Either way, you insist it's a marriage, so I'll try to help.

Start by secretly purchasing James Dobson's "Love must be Tough" (Never let her see this book, and forget what you think you know about TL)

 

I get that what I was doing to better our life is normal but there's a lot I could have done to make her happy along the way. I saw that I wasn't but kept telling myself it would get better when I made it to the top of my career which I did finally. I did it for us.

 

The culture between America and Russia is really different in that they get married young. Like at 20 and live with one sides parents until 30. While doing this they travel and work low paying jobs. Then have kids and save up the last few years and move out and start building their careers. That really was not how I wanted to do it.

 

So now she thinks she wasted those years not doing stuff. The only thing to show for it is my success. This really bothers her.

 

I will get the book but from reading the preview for it seems like something for me to use after I get her back. How will it help to get her back to begin with?

 

I also found out because I have access to her email and GPS of her phone(I gave up listening in only) that she got a job as a hostess at restaurant this past weds. So now she's gonna be riding that high and thinking she can make it on her own more without me.

 

I still don't know what to do to get her to give me as chance.

[Wiseman2]

OMG. It sounds like a story about espionage and counterespionage not a marriage.

[mwate009]

OMG. It sounds like a story about espionage and counterespionage not a marriage.

Trust me, I never envisioned going to this extreme to get her back. I never envisioned losing her like this either. Certainly not to an art school drop out.

[Lester]

"The culture between America and Russia is really different in that they get married young."

- And different in other ways that are unimaginable.

 

I saw a broadcast a couple of years ago (sixty minutes?) that reported on sex classes for how Russian women can seduce rich foreigners. Particularly, non-worldly Americans.

 

Type in "do Russian women really train to seduce American men?" , or similar queries into goggle.

And weep...

 

--------

The preview may be misleading. Dobson is about understanding infidelity. With your new understanding, you can do as you please.

[mwate009]

"The culture between America and Russia is really different in that they get married young."

- And different in other ways that are unimaginable.

 

I saw a broadcast a couple of years ago (sixty minutes?) that reported on sex classes for how Russian women can seduce rich foreigners. Particularly, non-worldly Americans.

 

Type in "do Russian women really train to seduce American men?" , or similar queries into goggle.

And weep...

 

--------

The preview may be misleading. Dobson is about understanding infidelity. With your new understanding, you can do as you please.

It wasn't like that. If I had only reciprocated her affection we'd have been good.

 

I haven't even said the worst part yet because if I do everyone will tell me to let her go. That is that when she found out I might have cancer she said to her friend on the phone "if he actually has it how can I leave him now? What will people think".

 

I know that says a lot about her. But I still want her because I still see her like I did before the trouble started.

[Lester]

It wasn't like that. If I had only reciprocated her affection we'd have been good.

 

Well you were there, and should know.

 

Did you order Dobson? It's $10 bucks in paperback and $9.00 on Kindle.

[mwate009]

Well you were there, and should know.

 

Did you order Dobson? It's $10 bucks in paperback and $9.00 on Kindle.

I have not as I took time off to visit a friend and his wife in Alabama this week and I don't want to be rude by reading.

 

How will this book get me a second chance?

[Lester]

I know that says a lot about her. But I still want her because I still see her like I did before the trouble started.

 

Yes it does say a lot about her.

You desiring to go back to the rose-colored glass stage is impossible.

[Lester]

How will this book get me a second chance?

 

It's not about second chances, it's about knowledge.

What you do with the knowledge is up to you.