I need help

[mwate009]

It's not about second chances, it's about knowledge.

What you do with the knowledge is up to you.

OK. Will do. I just talked to our mutual friend. She called him to ask about the test results. He told her to ask me. He seems to want to stay neutral.

 

He seems to think we'll stay together though. He wouldn't tell me that she got a job either but I'm sure she told him. I didn't let him know that I know since he blabbed about me listening in.

[catfeeder]

I thought that it would give me insight into what I was doing wrong. But I instead found out about this other guy.

 

She should have expected it from me. She knows I used to do this type of surveillance work for the government while I was in school and after school. I worked at the bars and strip clubs after that because I lost my clearance because I was in a relationship with her( I never told her why I was let go from that job). I was so good at this type of stuff growing up that a family friend got me a contracting job doing it.

 

Besides she used to pick up my phone every other day to check it for signs of infidelity. When she'd not find any she'd set it down and call me boring. It never bothered me that she was checking.

 

So nobody who knows you has a right to an expectation of privacy?

[mwate009]

So nobody who knows you has a right to an expectation of privacy?

Thats not it at all. I believe in privacy more than Sn0wden(there's a reason I spelled it that way). But not in a marriage I don't but I still respected it until she moved out. And I was right in the end to be suspicious. I never even thought about another woman since the day I asked her to do the long distance relationship. Even though I had many thinking about me.

[Wiseman2]

Paranoia?...

Sn0wden(there's a reason I spelled it that way).

[mwate009]

Paranoia?...

You have know idea what I saw while I was a contractor and that was 2008-2011. I can only imagine the capabilities now.

[Wiseman2]

So that is the reason for the cryptic spelling?

You have know idea what I saw while I was a contractor and that was 2008-2011. I can only imagine the capabilities now.

[Lester]

It's normal for a husband in the panic stage to snoop on his wayward wife.

Most husbands learn pretty quickly: it's only going to tell you what you already know.

 

It won't save it.

[mwate009]

So that is the reason for the cryptic spelling?

Yes it is the reason.

[mwate009]

It's normal for a husband in the panic stage to snoop on his wayward wife.

Most husbands learn pretty quickly, it's only going to tell you what you already know.

 

It won't save it.

I didn't do it expecting to find what I found. I did it for insights into what might fix the situation. Like if she would have told her friends " if he'd only do this or that I'd come back" sort of things.

[Lester]

I didn't do it expecting to find what I found. I did it for insights into what might fix the situation. Like if she would have told her friends " if he'd only do this or that I'd come back" sort of things.

 

Yep, normal.

Men/husbands are designed to look for the magic button, the one sentence answer that will set her straight.

 

I know, because I too am a man.

Trust me when I say..., it won't work.

 

You have to educate yourself.

That takes time and the will to do it.

 

Time in a timely fashion.

[mwate009]

Yep, normal.

Men/husbands are designed to look for the magic button, the one sentence answer that will set her straight.

 

I know, because I too am a man.

Trust me when I say..., it won't work.

 

You have to educate yourself.

That takes time and the will to do it.

 

Time in a timely fashion.

I found the book in audio version. I'll get it because I have a 5 hour drive tomorrow.

 

Let me ask you though. I'm assuming you read it when you were in a crisis right? Did it help you?

[Lester]

Audio is a great first step in the right direction but if like me, you'll need the paper version to dogear/revisit.

 

I credit Dobon's and Gary Smalley's book, "If only he knew", out of a dozen (mostly secular) for being about 50% of my marriage save.

[mwate009]

Audio is a great first step in the right direction but if like me, you'll need the paper version to dogear/revisit.

 

I credit Dobon's and Gary Smalley's book, "If only he knew", out of a dozen (mostly secular) for being about 50% of my marriage save.

So you did save yours? How similar was your situation to mine if you don't mind me asking?

[Lester]

Yes, I did.

Your situation was very different from mine.

----------

 

Like I mentioned in earlier posts..., based on the foundation of your marriage, I don't have a good feeling about your chances.

 

Don't fret too much over that.

Even if you had a sounder foundation, (what I think) your chances would still only be about 50/50.

 

Even great marriages that have lasted for decades, fall into neglect and die.

Why?

Husbands, while in the denial stage, dilly-dally away time collecting evidence, building useless consensuses and other dumb guy stuff.

 

So why am I seemly wasting my time with you?

Because, most likely, you will divorce and fall back on only what you know.

 

This WILL lead to another failed marriage.

 

Now you know why you so often hear..., "This is my second, third, fourth, fifth... marriage."

 

Keep studying!

[mwate009]

Like I mentioned in earlier posts..., based on the foundation of your marriage, I don't have a good feeling about your chances.

 

Don't fret to much over that.

Even if you had a sounder foundation, (what I think) your chances would still be only 50/50.

 

Even great marriages that have lasted for decades, fall into neglect and die.

Why?

Husbands, while in the denial stage, dilly-dally away time collecting evidence, building useless consensuses and other dumb guy stuff.

 

So why am I seemly wasting my time with you?

Because, most likely, you will divorce and fall back on only what you know.

 

This WILL lead to another failed marriage.

 

Now you know why you so often hear..., "This is my second, third, fourth, fifth... marriage."

 

Keep studying!

I will still keep hope.

 

I won't marry again if this one doesn't workout. I know that much. I won't give someone else the power to end something the way this might go. Its a promise I'll make to myself.

[Lester]

"I will still keep hope."

- That and not wasting time was 25% of my marriage save.

 

"I won't marry again if this one doesn't workout. I know that much. I won't give someone else the power to end something the way this might go. Its a promise I'll make to myself."

- Don't do the PopC "man" thing! There are million of REALLY great women out there.

 

One of them was made just for you.

It was your lack of understanding and haste that got you into this mess.

 

It's not about other people and their supposed power.

You're the problem, and you can't fix it by running, hiding or being obstinate.

 

Be brave and keep trying.

Don't miss one of life greatest pleasures!

 

Goodnight

[mwate009]

"I will still keep hope."

- That and not wasting time was 25% of my marriage save.

 

"I won't marry again if this one doesn't workout. I know that much. I won't give someone else the power to end something the way this might go. Its a promise I'll make to myself."

- Don't do the PopC "man" thing! There are million of REALLY great women out there.

 

One of them was made just for you.

It was your lack of understanding and haste that got you into this mess.

 

It's not about other people and their supposed power.

Your the problem, and you can't fix it by running, hiding or being obstinate.

 

Be brave and keep trying.

Don't miss one of life greatest pleasures.

I don't want any other woman that might be made just for me. I want her. She's all I have ever wanted and will always want. Its just the way I am. I have always been stubborn and over confident to a fault. But it will be my problem.

 

So here's to hope.

[lostandhurt]

Okay it seems you are blaming yourself for this whole thing which is totally wrong.

 

Sure your balance in your life was a little off as you worked your butt off to provide for her and your future but many many men fall into this trap. Give yourself a break on taking all the blame okay?

 

She sounds pretty cold to me. Her comments seem less loving and more concerned about appearance.

 

If you take a strong stance and stop chasing her you have a way better chance of rebooting this relationship. Take ownership of your faults and mistakes but don't take any crap off her for the things you did with very good intentions and out of love. If this is going to work it will need to be on equal footing, not you kissing her butt for the next 5 years and paying for her moms apartment.

 

The other guy has to go first thing or you are out! Make sure she understand this.

 

Lost

[mwate009]

Okay it seems you are blaming yourself for this whole thing which is totally wrong.

 

Sure your balance in your life was a little off as you worked your butt off to provide for her and your future but many many men fall into this trap. Give yourself a break on taking all the blame okay?

 

She sounds pretty cold to me. Her comments seem less loving and more concerned about appearance.

 

If you take a strong stance and stop chasing her you have a way better chance of rebooting this relationship. Take ownership of your faults and mistakes but don't take any crap off her for the things you did with very good intentions and out of love. If this is going to work it will need to be on equal footing, not you kissing her butt for the next 5 years and paying for her moms apartment.

 

The other guy has to go first thing or you are out! Make sure she understand this.

 

Lost

 

It is my fault for getting into this situation. I saw opportunities to be more affectionate but I didn't always take them. There were times I could have taken a day off to spend with her but I didn't and it got me to the top of my career field in a very short time. It was for us that I did it.

 

She is being very cold to me now but she was not like that at all for the first 4 years. I was not as cold as she is to me now but I was cold as I look back at the years.

 

I as m going to take a strong stance with her once communication starts back up. Its going on 12 days now with out talking. Not even on our 5 year anniversary that was on the 22nd.

 

I've already decided I'm not giving her anymore money until she agrees to work on us with out the other guy.

 

The part that gets me is it is like she was running a race for the 5 years and I finally change to be who she wants before we even talked about ending it. And it's like she's quitting the race a, few feet before the finish line. Doesn't make sense to me at all.

[lostandhurt]

She has decided it is to little to late and feels you didn't care until she was going to leave. You cannot changer that mind set only she can. Having a fantasy guy online isn't helping.

 

Right now be patient, continue to get your act together, stay busy, work out, eat right and spend time with good friends. It will get back to her that you haven't fallen to pieces.

 

Also stop communication with this mutual friend. At least stop asking about her through him and don't bring the relationship up at all with this person. That is high school stuff and not productive because they may put their own spin on what they relay to each of you.

 

While she is gone you need to think about the kind of life you want moving forward both with her in your life and out of your life. This way you can articulate that to her if reconciliation happens. Basically you need to be able to talk about what you want and how it will happen and you both can decide if each of you are willing to make the sacrifices needed to get to that place.

 

It is common for one person to take all the blame but don't dwell on it. You made mistakes and so did she. Just because you had a larger role in starting the problems doesn't mean she is innocent and blameless. She has done some shady stuff and is now trying to hurt you back and punish you. That isn't how healthy relationships are built or repaired when something goes sideways.

 

Keep posting and figure out what you are going to say when she contacts you again.

 

Lost

[mwate009]

She has decided it is to little to late and feels you didn't care until she was going to leave. You cannot changer that mind set only she can. Having a fantasy guy online isn't helping.

 

Right now be patient, continue to get your act together, stay busy, work out, eat right and spend time with good friends. It will get back to her that you haven't fallen to pieces.

 

Also stop communication with this mutual friend. At least stop asking about her through him and don't bring the relationship up at all with this person. That is high school stuff and not productive because they may put their own spin on what they relay to each of you.

 

While she is gone you need to think about the kind of life you want moving forward both with her in your life and out of your life. This way you can articulate that to her if reconciliation happens. Basically you need to be able to talk about what you want and how it will happen and you both can decide if each of you are willing to make the sacrifices needed to get to that place.

 

It is common for one person to take all the blame but don't dwell on it. You made mistakes and so did she. Just because you had a larger role in starting the problems doesn't mean she is innocent and blameless. She has done some shady stuff and is now trying to hurt you back and punish you. That isn't how healthy relationships are built or repaired when something goes sideways.

 

Keep posting and figure out what you are going to say when she contacts you again.

 

Lost

 

He wasn't putting a spin on it the times I listened to their calls. But I hear you on that.

 

I will not think a life with out her not until it's over will I do that. But she knows the life I want with her and it's how she envisioned it 5 years ago. I want to be as close to perfect with her as I can even if it cost me part of myself. I can be happy if she is.

 

I shouldn't really workout as I have lost 63 pounds since thanksgiving. At least it was 63 before I left home 2 weeks ago to just get away. I feel like I have lost more. I sleep only 2-3 hours a night unless i have had a few drinks then its 4-5 hours. But I can put up the appearance of doing good so it gets back to her.

 

I have an idea of what to say. But I'm sure she will be focusing on the fact that I bugged her phone and not on the fact that she's talking to another guy.

[lostandhurt]

I didn't want to eat when I caught my wife of 20 years cheating either but after a few days I ate because I knew I needed to. Sleep will come and it will last longer and longer as you begin to see things more clearly. Working out builds muscle as long as you have protein going in your mouth so eat your favorite foods and do some mild workouts. They help your endorphins and boost your mood.

 

You do need to do some thinking about a life without her. This is acceptance that it may not work out and it actually puts you in a better place if things do work out and you get back together. There is a strength in knowing you will be just fine and your life will be great no matter what happens, you may not be with the person you thought you would be but your life goals and plans keep heading in the same direction.

 

Cheaters often deflect and put the blame on the victim instead of accepting that they really did cheat. If she tries this tact then don't accept it. Tell her that you are there to discuss working on your marriage but that cannot happen until her online paramour is completely out of the picture.

 

Lastly DO NOT give up part of yourself to make her happy. You will grow to resent it and may even find that it did absolutely no good. I spent 20 years trying to make my wife happy instead of realizing and accepting that she just wasn't a happy person. It was a fools errand on my part. What I should have been doing is talking to her about why she wasn't happy and helping her find a therapist to explore that issue. Her bf now is going through exactly what I went through as is my son. Happiness is always on her terms....

You can compromise, improve, be more understanding and caring but don't sacrifice who you are just to keep her.

 

Watch the drinking and make an effort to eat healthy. Try having dinner with good friends a few times a week.

 

Lost

[mwate009]

I didn't want to eat when I caught my wife of 20 years cheating either but after a few days I ate because I knew I needed to. Sleep will come and it will last longer and longer as you begin to see things more clearly. Working out builds muscle as long as you have protein going in your mouth so eat your favorite foods and do some mild workouts. They help your endorphins and boost your mood.

 

You do need to do some thinking about a life without her. This is acceptance that it may not work out and it actually puts you in a better place if things do work out and you get back together. There is a strength in knowing you will be just fine and your life will be great no matter what happens, you may not be with the person you thought you would be but your life goals and plans keep heading in the same direction.

 

Cheaters often deflect and put the blame on the victim instead of accepting that they really did cheat. If she tries this tact then don't accept it. Tell her that you are there to discuss working on your marriage but that cannot happen until her online paramour is completely out of the picture.

 

Lastly DO NOT give up part of yourself to make her happy. You will grow to resent it and may even find that it did absolutely no good. I spent 20 years trying to make my wife happy instead of realizing and accepting that she just wasn't a happy person. It was a fools errand on my part. What I should have been doing is talking to her about why she wasn't happy and helping her find a therapist to explore that issue. Her bf now is going through exactly what I went through as is my son. Happiness is always on her terms....

You can compromise, improve, be more understanding and caring but don't sacrifice who you are just to keep her.

 

Watch the drinking and make an effort to eat healthy. Try having dinner with good friends a few times a week.

 

Lost

I'm gonna give her an ultimatum tonight. Any advice?

 

I just need to deflect the part about bugging her phone since she knows.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately there's really no defense for that. But since you have the info, use it to underscore why you need to end things.

I'm gonna give her an ultimatum tonight. I just need to deflect the part about bugging her phone since she knows.

[mwate009]

Unfortunately there's really no defense for that. But since you have the info, use it to underscore why you need to end things.

 

This is true.