I need help

[mwate009]

Well, I spoke to her on skype tonight. I reached out to her. I got tired of the stand off. It seemed to go well. My sister was in the background making sure I didn't say anything stupid. I was planning on giving an ultimatum but our mutual friend suggested to save it for the next call if I was determined to get an answer.

 

We talked for 20 minutes. I didn't bring up the guy and she did not bring up me bugging the phone. I was prepared to advert it if she did. She got her masters in Russian literature and so if she did I was going to advert by mentioning the Russian author who coined the phrase about not mentioning the elephant in the room. It probably would have amazed her that I would know the story behind it since the author was from the 1800's which was her specialty in school. I guess I can save it for another time.

 

We didn't have any dull silences. My sister thinks it went positively. She thinks it's going to be like starting over instead of just fixing what's broken.

 

She told me about her new job. She told me about her current assignments for the courses shes taking and the grades shes made since we last talked. I told her about the kitchen remolding that the contractors are starting next week. I told her about going to the conference in Orlando last week and how I was on a panel of experts(ironic for me as I have been IT for 9 years but in the Healthcare IT field for only 3 years and I am an expert now) I told her about going to my niece's parents day tomorrow while I am visiting them since my sister has a class at that time and my brother-in-law will be at work. She said to kiss my nieces for her(hopefully that played on her heart strings a little, not that I am trying to manipulate her).

 

I still got the feeling like she is done but she didn't didn't say anything. She said she wouldn't mind if we talked again soon. I don't know what soon means to her. to be frank I don't even know what soon means to me.

 

Maybe my sister is right. Maybe it will take starting over for her to let go of the emotional neglect I put her through. Maybe it will make it easier if she feels like shes starting something new with someone new(a new me). Our mutual friend thinks shes putting me through this to make sure the changes I've made are permanent.

 

So the call really did nothing for me other than throw in a few more perspectives. It didn't get me any closer to my goal or if it did as my sister thinks it did I don't see it.

[Lester]

Did you ever purchase/read Dobson's "Love must be Tough"?

[mwate009]

Did you ever purchase/read Dobson's "Love must be Tough"?

Yes. I started it on the drive down on Weds. Haven't finished it yet though.

[lostandhurt]

So you both ignored everything important and just caught up like old friends? You are right the conversation did nothing for you except it didn't make things worse.

 

You cannot be afraid of standing up for yourself. If you knew she had just talked to her online bf an hour before you contacted her would you be okay with it?

 

He has to go BEFORE anything else moves forward! Don't let fear hold you back.

 

The longer she stays in contact with him the worse it is for you. Time to tell her that you want to work on rebuilding your marriage and make it like it is supposed to be but for that to happen her online "friend" has to go.

 

There are steps to these things and you need to take the first one before anything else can happen. If she refuses to cut that guy off she pretty much has told you the marriage is over right? Don't not ask a question because you are afraid of the answer you might hear. Remember whether you ask the question or not the answer is the same, you just know what they are thinking is all.

 

I know this is tuff and you don't want to mess up your chances but her talking to this guy about you and your marriage is not what is going to help.

 

Lost

[mwate009]

So you both ignored everything important and just caught up like old friends? You are right the conversation did nothing for you except it didn't make things worse.

 

You cannot be afraid of standing up for yourself. If you knew she had just talked to her online bf an hour before you contacted her would you be okay with it?

 

He has to go BEFORE anything else moves forward! Don't let fear hold you back.

 

The longer she stays in contact with him the worse it is for you. Time to tell her that you want to work on rebuilding your marriage and make it like it is supposed to be but for that to happen her online "friend" has to go.

 

There are steps to these things and you need to take the first one before anything else can happen. If she refuses to cut that guy off she pretty much has told you the marriage is over right? Don't not ask a question because you are afraid of the answer you might hear. Remember whether you ask the question or not the answer is the same, you just know what they are thinking is all.

 

I know this is tuff and you don't want to mess up your chances but her talking to this guy about you and your marriage is not what is going to help.

 

Lost

 

It's not about fear. It's about not having any regrets.

 

I don't feel the time is right to do it just yet. She was more like herself with me this time than anytime in the last year.

 

Don't worry. I will stand up for myself soon enough but only once we get somewhere first.

 

She already knows I want to work on the marriage. She's known this since September. She just wasn't open to it at that time. Once she's open to it I will take my stance.

 

I don't even need her to talk about him or why because I already know everything. More than I need to know actually. I only need her to tell me that it it's over with him.

 

It's just going to be a long process that may or may not work out.

 

I still only got 2 hours of sleep last night as usual but that is OK. So far I'm only losing body fat.

 

She liked my haircut which I thought she'd hate. Which is why I did it. I'm going to get looks at work as the only executive in the only company with a non conservative haircut. But then again I'm 20 years younger than them LOL.

[mwate009]

I found the other guy. I have his name, phone and address. I know it's not worth it but it's running through my mind to go visit him.

[Lester]

I found the other guy. I have his name, phone and address. I know it's not worth it but it's running through my mind to go visit him.

 

Rating LIFE mistakes on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest, what you are thinking, is a NINE!

 

It's not about him, never was, and no matter how hard you try, IT NEVER WILL BE.

[mwate009]

Rating LIFE mistakes on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest, what you are thinking, is a NINE!

 

It's not about him, never was, and no matter how hard you try, IT NEVER WILL BE.

I know. But I am considering sending him a friend request on Facebook with a message like "Since you're such good friends with my wife I thought we should be friends too" and let him see my pictures from the bodybuilding contest from 7 years ago.

 

I wonder what my wife's reaction would be. She did tell her friend she's worried what I would do if I found him.

[Lester]

...sigh...

[lostandhurt]

Listen you cannot go around shooing away all the guys that want to bang your wife. You either trust her or you don't.

 

You want to know how she will react? She will think you are a bully and picking on her "friend" not defending your marriage from a interloafer.

 

I could have destroyed the guy my ex wife cheated on me with and yes I contemplated it but just knowing I could do it was enough. Don't go down that path because it is filled with regrets.

 

If you keep waiting for the right time he may be making time with her. Don't wait to long to make it clear to her that he needs to be out of the picture.

 

Keep posting and think twice before you do anything and then sleep on it.

 

Lost

[catfeeder]

I know. But I am considering sending him a friend request on Facebook with a message like "Since you're such good friends with my wife I thought we should be friends too" and let him see my pictures from the bodybuilding contest from 7 years ago.

 

I wonder what my wife's reaction would be. She did tell her friend she's worried what I would do if I found him.

 

You'd come off to wife like the bully and the chump she feared you'd become, and you'd confirm for her that she's better off without you. You'd inspire wife's sympathy for the other guy, and you'd be in zero position to deal with her about that from jail--if that matters at all.

 

Think.

[mwate009]

You'd come off to wife like the bully and the chump she feared you'd become, and you'd confirm for her that she's better off without you. You'd inspire wife's sympathy for the other guy, and you'd be in zero position to deal with her about that from jail--if that matters at all.

 

Think.

Actually it would probably impress her if I did it. She always asked me why I didn't get jealous when she'd hang out with our mutual friend who is a guy. I always told her I trusted her. But she'd always wondered why I wasn't jealous.

 

If the other guy didn't stand up to me over her she'd think less of him. This much I know. But I was really asking what her immediate reaction would be if we were skyping and he texted her to tell her.

[catfeeder]

Actually it would probably impress her if I did it. She always asked me why I didn't get jealous when she'd hang out with our mutual friend who is a guy. I always told her I trusted her. But she'd always wondered why I wasn't jealous.

 

If the other guy didn't stand up to me over her she'd think less of him. This much I know. But I was really asking what her immediate reaction would be if we were skyping and he texted her to tell her.

 

You're asking people to speculate on a trumped up fantasy. I'd skip that. It's messy kid stuff, and it's not likely to produce the results you want.

 

It's awfully difficult to deal with a divorce and an assault charge at the same time.

 

If you want to save your marriage, focus there, and deal with wife instead of stepping 'around' her. If you want to play out some bully fantasy, you're missing the point. Your wife was neglected, so she pursued someone willing to pay attention to HER. If you want to look past wife to focus on the guy instead, you're only compounding the problem.

[lostandhurt]

It isn't this guys fault your wife is having an emotional affair. She owns all of that so why go and try and scare this guy away? There will only be other one to take his place sooner or later.

 

You seem content to treat symptoms and not the cause. Stop giving her a pass on cheating on you.

 

If she gets off on you being jealous then you have more problems than some neglect. Many insecure people view jealousy as a form of deep love when it is nothing of the sort.

 

Lost

[mwate009]

It isn't this guys fault your wife is having an emotional affair. She owns all of that so why go and try and scare this guy away? There will only be other one to take his place sooner or later.

 

You seem content to treat symptoms and not the cause. Stop giving her a pass on cheating on you.

 

If she gets off on you being jealous then you have more problems than some neglect. Many insecure people view jealousy as a form of deep love when it is nothing of the sort.

 

Lost

 

I know it's not his fault but he knows she's married. That in it of itself makes him lower in my opinion.

 

I don't think she gets off on jealousy but me neglecting her and not getting jealous combined made her think I didn't love or desire her.

 

I'm trying to get her attention back on me at the moment now that we can talk without her turning everything I say(including times when being supportive) into a fight. Once I habe attention I'll tell her she needs to stop with the other guy.

 

I wanted to Skype with her tonight bit I got into her work scheduling system and she's working 11am-11pm today. I wanted to tell her to go out with her mom for March 8th(international womens day celebrated everywhere but the US, sorta like mothers day but for all women) and I'd pay for it. But I guess I'd have to text her to tell her though. Wanted to do it on video.

 

When we talked on Thursday she looked like she's gained 15 pounds. I know it's bothering her because when I look at her search history she's looking at diet plans. Her weight doesn't bother me anyways. I always preferred her at the weight she was at when we first met which is probably where's she's at now.

[mwate009]

Well, we skyped again tonight. For 2 hours and 44 minutes this time. We cleared the air about everything.

 

She said she doesn't understand my thought process. She didn't understand why I didn't call her out on the other guy as soon as I knew. I told her I was hurt as nd didn't want to talk to her for a while. She didn't understand why I didn't do it when we talked last week either.

 

I told her I didn't like that she's talking to him and that I don't accept it as being the right thing for her to do. But that I understand it.

 

I asked her if we can repair our marriage. She said she didn't know. I told her I wasn't giving up and that I still love her. She said she still has feelings for me but she doesn't know where we are going.

 

She said her moving out is about her getting herself together. She wouldn't answer me about whether she has feelings for the other guy when I asked. Only that it's nice to have someone show her attention when I never did.

 

I asked her to not talk to him through text when she's talking me and she agreed.

 

She said she has a lot more questions for me and I told her I will be an open book on future Skype calls. She said she feels like she never got to know the real me(I hope that is a good thing)

 

She asked me to send her more of her black clothes that she can use for work.(I hope it's a good thing she isn't asking for all of her stuff)

 

She asked me why I pursed her in the begining and why I'm am fighting so hard now. I gave her a Russian proverb as my answer that translates as "love is not a potatoe, you can't throw it out the window" the literal translation is that you can't give up on something you love because of a rough patch. She was very impressed and understood it. I think she was very shocked that I found that proverb.

 

I told her I would not stop telling her I love her and I would not stop trying.

 

She told me her concerns and used the phrase "if we work things out" repeatedly for her concerns.

 

We did have some laughing moments in the call and she was smiling some of the time.

 

That sums up our call. Any thoughts?

[lostandhurt]

My thoughts:

 

Stop professing your undying love.

She basically told you what I have been telling you is that she expected you to tell her to stop talking to the other guy.

Offering to pay for things for her will not win her back.

Stop checking her history or her work schedule. It is creepy and not helpful. It is like going through her purse.

Don't get your hopes up from small things like not asking for all her stuff. It means nothing. Facts and concrete things she says and DOES are what you need to focus on.

 

The next time you talk to her on Skype you need to be clear with her that you don't see any way of rebuilding the relationship while she is talking to another man. In reality you know it to be true but you are allowing the fear of loosing her to stop you from saying it.

 

Lost

[Wiseman2]

She's probably telling him the typical 'my psycho ex' stories that they usually do. Don't prove her right in this case.

I am considering sending him a friend request on Facebook with a message like "Since you're such good friends with my wife I thought we should be friends too" I wonder what my wife's reaction would be. She did tell her friend she's worried what I would do if I found him.

[mwate009]

OK. So it's been a while since the last post.

 

Her friend in Atlanta who she confides in most is now back channeling with me to help me. This is the friend who she talks to for at least 1 hour every other day at a minimum.

 

She told me that even though she wanted space when she left she really wanted me to show up with flowers a few days after leaving as a grand gesture of love.

 

So I have decided to lease a new car for her. I had planned on driving it the 5 hours down there and swapping the cars at night while she sleeps since I still have a key(car is in my name still) then park her current car on the other side of the apartment complex and then sleep and wait for her to call me and tell me someone stole the car(no she won't call the police first, I know her well enough to know she'll call me first).

 

But now I have the idea of bringing it to her job(she's a hostess) and walk in with flowers and have her seat me at the bar and ask her when her break is. Then I'll eat and get a drink. Then when we go outside to talk(she'll want to know why I'm there. Then as we go outside I'll cover her eyes and walk her to the car and she'll op see n her eyes and see a huge bow on it.

 

Then I'll ask her when she gets off I'll go somewhere until then that's nearby. Then I'll come and tell her let's go drive her new car and we can go to another bar/restaurant. When we sit down and after ordering I'll take her hand and admit my biggest mistakes in our marriage. Promise a better future and and ask her to take the step forward with me to get us there. If she says yes then I'll reiterate that the other guy goes starting now. Then I'll see if she will spend the night with me at my hotel(not expecting sex but certainly won't turn it down).

 

She's already agreed if she gives it as second chance she will end it with him.

 

If she says she is unsure then I'll tell her she has 3 weeks to make up her mind. And I'll tell her which hotel I'm staying at and we'll have a very quiet dinner and when we go back I'll take her old car.

 

If after 3 weeks sh ed hasn't made up her mind then I'll be done and she and change the lease to her name. And I'll box up her stuff here at home.

 

I chose 3 weeks for the time limit because he goes back in May to Indonesia(he told her a bunch of lies one which is that he us from Portugal and that he's going back after leaving school(dropping out really) . So it must be 3 weeks because I need her to end it before he leaves because if not and she comes back after he leaves it means I'm second choice and not first. That will eat at me more in the years to come then the fact of her having and emotional affair itself.

 

I hope it will go good with the car. Her friend thinks it will. But she advised me to go another couple of weeks with no talking before giving the car because it will make her miss me more. She said she was missing me more during the 13 days we didn't talk at the end of last month. Which lines up with my wife telling me she started to remember more of the good times lately.

 

This friend has been pushing her to reconcile with me since she left. This I can confirm through what I heard of their conversations before I stopped listening for my sanity(I have not started back either)

 

There is one caveat to us getting back together on my side though. Before we fully reconcile after she comes back I need her to do one thing for me. And that is to admit her emotional affair was wrong and I need to believe that she believes it. I can't have her doing this again on the next big event/fight(although I'll do everything I can to prevent big events/fights) I don't even need her to apologize for it just to admit it was wrong. I'm not talking about her talking to another guy I'm talking about her not stopping it when it was beginning to be about feelings for each other.

 

Side notes:

 

I can see she's researching the other . Trying to do a background check on him. He's told her he is a prince on his island. I told her friend there's no monarchy on his island and she said "no kings or princes?" I said "the only kings are a few Burger kings" to which she replied with a bunch of crying/laughing emojis.

 

So I'm getting hopeful. Any thoughts?

[catfeeder]

I wouldn't mix any appearances with her job. She had a hard enough time getting it, and she won't be able to enjoy any surprises there--she'll be stressed, and that will likely boomerang badly.

 

Shoot for simplicity, not fantasy.

[mwate009]

I wouldn't mix any appearances with her job. She had a hard enough time getting it, and she won't be able to enjoy any surprises there--she'll be stressed, and that will likely boomerang badly.

 

Shoot for simplicity, not fantasy.

She wants that fantasy romantic gesture. She used to visit my work whenever she could and always enjoyed it when I visited hers. Plus I think it will make her coworkers to say " wow, you have an amazing husband" and it will stick in her head although I'm sure she hasn't told them shes married. I know she's gone out bowling with them as a group in 2 occasions already.

 

She wants to be the center of attention sometimes and I only ever made her that on our wedding day. I really should have done more for her like this and so I'm giving it one last try.

 

Only one problem though. She never told me the name of the restaurant. She told me it was an upscale place. She told me the local Ferrari club is having an event around this time with tables for 60 people reserved. Now, I know where she works from GPS and logging into her work schedule.

 

So, I could say I went to the Ferrari club site and found it. (Their site lists a different restaurant about 3/4 of a mile away actually on the same street.) But if I tell her that I think she'll check.

 

I could tell her she told me and if she doesn't believe me then I could tell her I have the Skype video recordings. Which I do and she did not tell me. But she won't ask for the video.

 

I could say I drove to a few upscale places until I saw her car. There cant be that many in Boca I would assume.

 

Or since her restaurant is on the way back to the interstate from I could say I saw the car in the parking lot from the road.(I have 20/10 vision, she always hated how I can spot things so far off) if it's close enough though.

 

But I think her wondering what I'm doing while sit and eat at the bar will really make her think. Or she'll just start texting me from across the room. And I'll be vague and put the phone down when my food here there.

 

Actually I think before I pull my hands away from her eyes I'll tell her to hold on to something for me and put the key in her hand. Ill tell her not to look at it yet. She has a normal key and won't recognize the newer sensor keys.

[catfeeder]

She wants that fantasy romantic gesture.

 

I wasn't talking about her fantasy, I meant yours. You're living in your head, and you've decided what her reaction will be without considering that you may not be welcome to disrupt her at her brand new job.

[mwate009]

Well, I go to take the car down to her on Friday. I got tired of waiting on the contractor to hang the cabinets. So I started yesterday on my own using jack stands to hold them up while I fasten them. I'm hoping the pictures I take when it's all done will impress her since she said to finish the remodeling. I'm optimistic for the first time since she left.

 

Her attitude towards me has gotten better over the last week. She now returns the Smiley emojis when I give them and even does them on her own too.

 

I never stopped telling her I loved her when we spoke. Even though after she knew I bugged her phone she stopped returning it. She would ignore it, frown a little, or change the subject like she didn't hear it. But last night she giggled when I said it and looked away a little like she was shy sort of. I reminded her about when I first said it to her for the first time years ago and how she waited during 3 weeks of daily communication before she returned it. And when she finally did I told her I would as always say it regardless of what situation of the moment was as long as I still loved her.

 

I'm gonna wear a suit since her restaurant is and upscale one with a lot business men eating there. Besides she always liked me in a suit and would call me "sex on a stick" when wore one Lol.

 

She also hasn't been researching the other guy in the last 10 days according to her browser history. I'll take that as a good sign.

 

So here goes to hopefully something.