Recently Married with an infant. Reconnected with love of life

[dank1123996]

Man where do I begin? First of all let me tell you I never thought I would be in this situation and I just don't know what's the right answer. I'm not asking anyone to tell me their opinion of the right answer but maybe you can share some wisdom that will help me make a decision.

 

To start. I'm recently happily married with a 4 month old baby and have an excellent job, you could say things are going well for me. That being said, I have always felt a void since my ex and I split 5 years ago. She was and I may still believe is the love of my life. Her and I have know each other for years and went to grade school together. I've never been in a more passionate relationship than with her but it did end, due to my choosing, which I blame on being 24, emotionally immature and at the time I was taking a lot of testosterone, which definitely didn't help things as I used to do some body building.

 

Anyhow, after we broke up I essentially ruined my life chasing after her trying to get her back. I also left The best job I've ever had at the time and blew every dime of My savings on drinking my pain away along with doing drugs. I eventually hit rock bottom and had to get my life together moving in with my parents. My ex was in a new relationship and I was a mess.

 

To sum this all up better it took me a few years to get my together but I did it. I met someone along the way to become my wife after 3 years of dating and now a child.

 

Recently after our marriage and our son I reached out to my ex stupidly in some kind of hopes to put things in the past and move on because I feel like I couldn't without closure that I feel I never got. That somehow evolved into her confessing her undying love for me, the real problem is I felt the same way she did and told her so. She explained to me on the phone that she has been in the same relationship with the same guy since me and doesn't feel nearly as much passion as she did with me and the she still get a butterflies talking to me, as I do her. She's has also told me that I still have her heart and she thinks about me all of the time as I do her. I just don't know what to do because I cannot tell my wife about any of this and I feel that I am emotionally cheating, which makes me feel aweful. At the same time the feeling I get for communications with my ex makes me feel as if I'm on cloud 9. My real problem is I love them both so much but I feel the love I have for my ex is much greater than the love I feel for my wife. My biggest concern is my son and I don't want to ruin his happy family but that is at the cost of settling for less than what I believe is my soulmate. Any advice would be greatly appreciated

 

Additionally, please be delicate as this is nothing to poke fun at, this is real life and there are many hearts involved in this decision making. I'm aware the grass is always greener but I legitimately think about my ex several times a day and probably irresponsibly got involved with my wife before I was ready to. What's done is done and I need to make the right decision moving forward, pleas help lol.

[Matt3939]

Anyone on here would tell you the right decision is to forget about this ex asap and work on your marrage. Good luck

[Dahl]

I strongly agree with Matt.

 

If it helps, you are almost certainly romanticizing her and your time together. Not suggesting that she isn't a nice woman. But I doubt that either of you found your time together before as idyllic as you seem to be now reinforcing back and forth to the other and to yourselves.

 

What could possibly be a winning outcome, in this? She's in a long-term relationship. You are married with a brand new little one. If you both throw over, out, away, your current partners and families to hook up, again, you've both been and are now with the other man/woman who worked with you to cheat on, check out of and ultimately destroy your current loved ones' worlds. This is a not a favorable beginning, to say the least.

 

I recommend that you stop trying to figure out how to make this work with your ex. It won't and it shouldn't. Devote yourself to making a life that works for your wife and your baby. You had a chance to be with your ex. It didn't succeed, for whatever reasons. Your indulgence in this emotional affair is going to cost your son dearly. He is the one who most deserves a real chance, here.

[HeartGoesOn]

Although this may look good on paper, think of all you have to lose, along with the consequences of your choices.

[Seraphim]

Think of your son. Please. And think of the woman you MARRIED. Made a contract with forever . Made a beautiful child with . The past is not your business your future is . Choose was the right one .

[Clio]

If that woman was really your soulmate you wouldn't have gotten to such a dead end. High chemistry is NOT the same as compatibility. Had you not had a child, it might have been worth finding out for yourself. However, imo once you have a child that's a game changer. You made the commitment to provide a steady environment for a new life. Imo, nothing is more important than that. At the end of the day it's about honoring the commitments we do make. It sounds to me that had that woman ignored you, you would have went on to be a happily married man. Is it really worth it to blow up your child's future for something so circumstancial? At the end of the day you need to decide on your personal values. Life is going to throw you all kinds of temptations. Are you a man of your word or not? If you decide that you are, then you need to remove your ex from the picture for good and never look back. The break up did happen and it couldn't have happened any other way. You cannot go back to the past and had your ex been really your soul mate you wouldn't have had to. Your mistake is in thinking that the closure would come from your ex. Closure comes from within. By deciding what you stand for. If it's family. Then you already have your closure.

[missyb33]

I 100 percent can say I understand the battle between the intense first love amd the more calm but honest love you have now.Could you be happy for the rest of your life with your wife? You do of course need to think about your son..which you seem to be.There is no easy answer.I struggle with this often.I tell myself to follow my heart..but to take my brain with me.

[Hollyj]

First of all, I think it is crap that you reached out for closure. Let's be honest, here.

 

You are cheating and I feel bad for your family. Stop communicating with this woman, and get some counseling.

 

You sound quite destructive!

[Wiseman2]

Having a child is a common time for cheating because you shift from youthful passion and nostalgia to real life parenting. Why not let this phase of trying to recapture youth, freedom and this escape pass before you ruin a bunch of lives?

I'm recently happily married with a 4 month old baby. I cannot tell my wife about any of this and I feel that I am emotionally cheating, which makes me feel aweful. At the same time the feeling I get for communications with my ex makes me feel as if I'm on cloud 9.

[dank1123996]

Thanks so much for your judgements...

[Seraphim]

?

...........

[Hollyj]

Thanks so much for your judgements...

 

 

Why did you expect, a pat on the back!

[Capricorn3]

I'm recently happily married with a 4 month old baby

 

I just don't know what to do because I cannot tell my wife about any of this and I feel that I am emotionally cheating, which makes me feel aweful.

You ARE emotionally cheating.

 

Currently, your ex is in a relationship too. That alone is enough reason to back off. This has the potential to wreck two families.

 

OP, you have two choices: 1) You divorce your wife. and 2) ... forget about messing around with the Ex and focus on your marriage and your family. You can't have it both ways and your wife does not deserve to be cheated on.

[itsallgrand]

What was it that turned your life around? Did you get to the root of what was bothering you, the real issue, behind you using testosterone , and then later drink and drugs?

 

I don't think it's about the girl at all. Something is eating at you - what is it? Are you genuinely happy - forget what you think you are 'supposed' to feel because you have a good job, a wife, a kid. Are you truly happy and were you when you met your wife?

 

Was it a tumultuous relationship with your ex? It does sound like you are idealizing it, but why ? We do things for a reason. What reason would you have for believing she is your soul mate? To need to believe that so bad you are playing at losing everything and those dearest to you?

[Hds2014]

If that woman was really your soulmate you wouldn't have gotten to such a dead end. High chemistry is NOT the same as compatibility. Had you not had a child, it might have been worth finding out for yourself. However, imo once you have a child that's a game changer. You made the commitment to provide a steady environment for a new life. Imo, nothing is more important than that. At the end of the day it's about honoring the commitments we do make. It sounds to me that had that woman ignored you, you would have went on to be a happily married man. Is it really worth it to blow up your child's future for something so circumstancial? At the end of the day you need to decide on your personal values. Life is going to throw you all kinds of temptations. Are you a man of your word or not? If you decide that you are, then you need to remove your ex from the picture for good and never look back. The break up did happen and it couldn't have happened any other way. You cannot go back to the past and had your ex been really your soul mate you wouldn't have had to. Your mistake is in thinking that the closure would come from your ex. Closure comes from within. By deciding what you stand for. If it's family. Then you already have your closure.

 

I second this. I think OP, you're just romanticizing the past. If she really was your soulmate and destined to be, you wouldn't be in this position. Please think of your wife and son.