Stood Up on Valentines Day

[tmtex]

Move on. I am a player and will tell you right now he is gone

[LadyBug1988]

Hi LadyBug,

 

I know I'm late to this thread, but I've sort of been where you are before. And I would like you to keep in mind that this experience was actually good practice for you. I know that sounds weird, how can someone who was such a manipulative arsehode be a good thing, right? It's simple. You put yourself out there. You discovered that you can feel, and think, and enjoy sex. You also learned that your own instincts are on the money and that next time you get that feeling in your gut that something about someone is off, that you are right. And it's probably time to say, "This one is a little too smooth, they're saying all the right things, yet it feels weird. I'm out."

 

In short, this has been a learning experience. And a tough one yes, but you did it. You got through this and you found out you were attractive enough that a player put some serious effort into it. The fact that he was a total jackhole about it, is fully on him. And I'm sorry, but some of those men and women are seriously good at the charm and somehow knowing exactly how to lull fears or play to whatever it is they pick up on you needing or wanting. But after a time you get to where you do see those red flags, you can spot these people, and you choose to simply say, "Nope, not going there," and walk away.

 

So really stop beating yourself up about what you did or didn't do and instead just look at what the guy did to lower your defenses and look at what you did to try and push yourself to ignore the little voice in the back of your head. Learn to use this as a lesson that you need to trust yourself more, because you were dead on instincts wise and then he played to your flattery. And man that flattery thing, it's a beyotch. I still get hit with that and I'm Ms. Skeptic. So really you didn't do anything different that probably a good solid 80 percent or more of us on this forum have done at one time or another, no matter our backgrounds or past relationships.

 

Personally, I think this guy was an idjit. It was Valentine's Day, he had a beautiful woman who was willing to spend it with him and have sex with him and make it a fun day. If he's too stupid to realize that's a good thing, and if he's so fixated on game playing that he'd toss that away, just so he can go after the next conquest to boost his tiny ego I say let him. 'Cause that just means there's something pretty wrong with him, not you, him. Keep that in mind. I know you don't feel confident, but cripes man he had the prize of all prizes and he blew it in the absolute stupidest way possible. So that guy was an a$$. And that's that. It's done, block and delete him and do not let him come back with some bullship later down the line saying he got scawed of his widdow feewings or some other line designed to hoover you back in for more hurt. Which is what they typically do when they want more sex from you and also to yank your guts out again. (Yeah, I've been there, my ex loved that game.)

 

So look at this as a positive, I know that's hard right now, but let your emotions settle out, go do something you really like to do, seek out the things that make you feel better, then reflect on what you learned from this. Every bad experience with someone teaches you what you don't want and shouldn't put up with if you do it right. Therapy can help, but really there is no teacher like life itself.

 

Also, when they have to tell you what a great guy/gal they are, how nice they are, how they'll never be so horrible to you like all of those other people were that is one of the biggest red flags possible. I've never found someone who would be uber-hasty to tell me that who wasn't the exact opposite. In fact, when someone says that to me now, my first thought is where is the exit and how fast can I get this person out of my life. So just be aware of that. The really good people don't have any reason or need to say things like that, they just are that way.

 

I'm sorry you went through this. Not every guy out there is like this one was, or your ex even. And I think you did everything right except listen to your own instincts. So I would say don't give up just yet, disheartening as this was. Take it as a learning experience and move on and grow from it. Remember diamonds are created by pressure. All I can say is be a diamond. You have that in you.

 

That was really sweet, thank you so much.

[LadyBug1988]

Move on. I am a player and will tell you right now he is gone

 

I just can't believe he could be so cold to go through so much trouble just to intentionally hurt me. He acted like I did something so awful to him, like I wasn't even a real person. I thought men valued women who didn't just hop in bed with them, but he seemed annoyed by everything modest about me. I don't want to be with him, he's destroyed my trust and nearly crushed my terribly fragile self-worth. The upside to this is that I met with my counselor today, and this will never happen again.

[Ms Darcy]

Well, I think much has been said already. But I will only say I think advising that you should sleep with a guy early on because, if the sex is bad or he loses interest, at least things ended before you fell in love ... Is TERRIBLE advice.

 

It's clear that you attach with sex and weren't comfortable with sex/felt pushed.

 

He definitely was a jerk in many ways. But it seems you willfully ignored warnings about him. And it doesn't seem like your self esteem is very high.

 

In therapy, I hope you work on that as well as not telling new guys you date about your bad past. When you paint yourself as a victim to men, like it or not many start to unintentionally lose attraction for you.

[Wiseman2]

Why didn't you just breakup if he was too pushy about sex? Why is "physically removing yourself, if you continued to see him?

I didn't plan actual dates. he kept pushing me for sex, and it made me feel uncomfortable so I'd physically remove myself from the situation.

[Wiseman2]

Breakups happen, he wasn't mean and didn't intentionally hurt you. He send you a calm text explaining his position. He simply said his piece and that you were incompatible with expectations. He didn't string you along, he ended it. You should have ended it if you believe there were red flags, like pushing for intimacy.

I just can't believe he could be so cold to go through so much trouble just to intentionally hurt me.

[ParisPaulette]

I just can't believe he could be so cold to go through so much trouble just to intentionally hurt me.

 

Yeah, there are people out there like that. They are called a variety of labels, but I just always decided well whatever it is, I don't wanna buy it and move on.

 

The larger issue in all of this is you saw red flags early on, but you pushed forward anyways. That's the thing you need to work on, being able to accept who is in front of you, and when you see red flags just let go with the first ones, not wait until something worse happens. This is a skill, one that isn't taught by anything, but life. Do check out Natalie Lue's website Baggage Reclaim. It was a life saver at the time I let go of a very toxic relationship. I found eNotalone later after that, but man Natalie saved my bacon in so many ways. So check it out and keep posting here.

 

It's all a learning experience and with experience, you hopefully learn and grow. So keep growing.

[jujusamples]

I tried going through about half way through this thread and what I got out of your situation is; you are not ready to jump into another relationship!

 

It seems to me that you are not over your abusive relationship, you are thinking too much into the new relationship as well. There are also red flags left right and center with this new relationship. When a relationship moves at lighting speed and all of a sudden comes to a stop, it should be a red flag.

 

In regards to his response to your break up texts (don't ever break up over text) he's got communications problems as well. If he's mature and a nice man as you describe, why didn't he just talk to you about it? Instead he decided to "test" you? That's a deal breaker for me, sorry!

 

Problem is, you are over-analyzing everything and he's a poor communicator! Not to mention, full of himself. Maybe it's also insecurities on his part as well. It's not going to work, you two both carry too much issues and aren't compatible. You need to stay single for a while and work on yourself. Do some self improvement.

 

Sorry this is going to sound harsh but sometimes when you are getting pressure into sex, it's also a red flag! Perhaps, he got what he wanted and just stopped trying. I hope you do get some counseling and work on your inner issues. When you least expected, I really hope you find a real nice man someday. You sound like a nice lady and just happened to run into a jerk. Don't be so hard on yourself and take it as a sign that you are not ready for a relationship just yet. He saw it written all over you and took advantage of it.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. This is the main thing and the only thing.

The larger issue in all of this is you saw red flags early on, but you pushed forward anyways. That's the thing you need to work on, being able to accept who is in front of you, and when you see red flags just let go with the first ones, not wait until something worse happens.

[LadyBug1988]

I tried going through about half way through this thread and what I got out of your situation is; you are not ready to jump into another relationship!

 

It seems to me that you are not over your abusive relationship, you are thinking too much into the new relationship as well. There are also red flags left right and center with this new relationship. When a relationship moves at lighting speed and all of a sudden comes to a stop, it should be a red flag.

 

In regards to his response to your break up texts (don't ever break up over text) he's got communications problems as well. If he's mature and a nice man as you describe, why didn't he just talk to you about it? Instead he decided to "test" you? That's a deal breaker for me, sorry!

 

Problem is, you are over-analyzing everything and he's a poor communicator! Not to mention, full of himself. Maybe it's also insecurities on his part as well. It's not going to work, you two both carry too much issues and aren't compatible. You need to stay single for a while and work on yourself. Do some self improvement.

 

Sorry this is going to sound harsh but sometimes when you are getting pressure into sex, it's also a red flag! Perhaps, he got what he wanted and just stopped trying. I hope you do get some counseling and work on your inner issues. When you least expected, I really hope you find a real nice man someday. You sound like a nice lady and just happened to run into a jerk. Don't be so hard on yourself and take it as a sign that you are not ready for a relationship just yet. He saw it written all over you and took advantage of it.

 

Thank you very much, I appreciate this post.

[annie24]

big hugs. i don't have much to add except that sometimes the match isn't right and sleeping together sooner or later doesn't change it. If it's right it's right, and if it's not it's not. sorry you had a crappy V day. Hope next year is better.

[Batya33]

I think in their case if they had had more of a foundation to the relationship the whole performance issue might not have been as much of an issue -and of course if he was just looking for sex he would not have stuck around and she wouldn't have had to experience quite so much hurt/awkwardness.

[gone]

Lady Bug

 

Here is what you need to do: go to therapy and get the confidence in yourself to give the finger to any man at any time who blows you off!!! Seriously, it will be the best feeling ever, to not care about a man who does not care about you. Build your standards strong so they are not knocked over at all when some jerk you are dating bluffs you. Because this guy will NOT be the first or the last person who tries this BS with you. Give a new person 1 chance to treat you with respect - if they fail, move on SWIFTLY. No exceptions. Otherwise you will not reach your relationship goals. have you even set goals or are you just going off a feeling? Write down your goals and march toward them - no one else will achieve them but you. Stop taking BS from people!!!

[gone]

Because I used to be like you, LadyBug, and take crap from men who I dated - here are sample things that you can say to men who reject you. To define rejection in this sense - this means if someone fades away, ghosts you, outright rejects you in a disrespectful manner (such as breaking Valentine's Day plans or checking out after they get sex, or somehow otherwise breaking promises, etc.) I recovered from my previous position so I have empathy for you, but you're 100% going about this the wrong way. I have lived and learned and so can you.

 

SAMPLE acceptances of some jerk's rejection of your wonderful self:

 

WHEN HE DOES NOT GHOST OR FADE:

 

1A. When they deliver their speech about breaking it off, say "ok got it". Don't say anything more. Act the same way someone at work would act if their coworker said "here, can you shred these papers for me?" yes, just those 3 little words. You don't need to say anything else. If they reply after that, don't write back, you already acknowledged it. DO NOT engage someone in conversation after they've said it's over!

 

1B. If they insist on a conversation about breaking up with you (despite the fact they are breaking it off), then let them talk. Don't say a lot yourself and DO NOT cry, show emotion, or act like you will miss them. Once they are done rattling off with all the reasons they feel they need to end it, just say "You chose ______ over being with me, and I accept that." End the conversation. Do not be guilted into wishing them well.

 

1C. if they try to come back after your acceptance, tell them "Things are broken." That is when you can wish them well or say to take care.

 

In response to ghosting, or fade out - if YOU need closure, text them and say this:

 

WHEN HE DOES GHOST OR FADE:

 

2."I don't want to know your reasons for losing interest in seeing me. I want to say that I felt X about meeting you originally (X = good, excited, positive, etc.), and I am sorry I was wrong about things between us. Regards, (your name here). Think about it - do you REALLY want to know the thoughts THEY tell themselves for why they decided to end it? All you need to know is that it's over (see #1). In cases of ghosting, use #2 for this reason, but never inquire or invite someone to tell you why they rejected you. Eff them, it's over, move on, DONE. Who cares? All that matters is your own agenda and it no longer includes someone who stepped off it.

 

In all instances, delete and (if needed) block the person. Delete ALL threads/texts from them as well. Go 100% no contact. There are other people to date and you will meet lots of other people soon.

 

Other tips:

 

Don't ever date the same person only during the first couple of months of dating. Even if you only like 1 person, continue to date other people, and continue to use dating sites (if you were using them). DO NOT remove your dating profile, or check up on the other person. Do not friend them on social media. Do not give someone your full attention unless and until they've explicitly asked for it AND made you a part of their life - with actions - by introducing you to their friends and family and including you in their daily life.

[Grace529]

I went through the same thing. The man took me to fancy restaurants and treated me and talked to me like I was the best thing he ever met. Then after we slept together he started talking about not wanting a relationship and how he wanted to be casual and date other people. He would also not call or text me and would take his time responding. He would be on the dating sites constantly. I also felt like a fool and a year later I still feel traumatized because I allowed him to stay in my life. We have had an and off relationship for a year and now he is an exclusive relationship but still texts me and we have gone out, he sends me mixed messages by holding my hand and long hugs. No respect for me or the woman he is dating. I think he is also using this woman because she has money and a very comfortable life that's all. It's all about himand what he wants. He no longer has a hold on me as I realize what an a..hole he is. That is very manipulative and hurtful what they do to get their way then just walk away.

 

Do not let this man back into your life. Leave right now with your dignity and don't worry about how he seduced you at the beginning, it will be nothing compared to the hurt of the back and forth because he can't commit then him rejecting you for someone who makes life comfortable financially. The woman this man is dating is ugly as hell, she had plastic surgery that made her look like the joker's female twin and she is older than him, but she is very comfortable financially and he does not want to mess that up for now.

 

There are lots of nice men out there, we just have to be very wise and get to know people before we get too involved. Moving too fast when you first meet is a sure sign you're dating a player.

[Grace529]

Gone....love your post. You are right on!