Stood Up on Valentines Day

[J Miracle]

I wouldn't call him. I thought it was a bit weird that he said "I can wait to sleep with you, as long as I know it will happen".. Maybe it's just me, sounds weird, red flag.

 

He didn't care to open a dialog about his concerns, especially after grandios promises of an unforgettable v day. So he's no good at communicating, and willing to stand you up on a special day.

 

This is really good learning experience. At least he gave you some pointers on why he faded like a coward. Learn from those.

 

Also, with your departure text about seeing other people, you need to stand behind those kinds of bold statements. It's hard to take them back. It ruins trust and self respect if you renege.

[Hollyj]

I guess I thought there were nice guys on there too, and as long as I was honest I might find a good match. I know I'm a freaking idiot and I feel used and terrible. I've been crying all day and thinking about staying home from work tomorrow. I've drafted this message to send him in the morning:

 

"I don't want to argue, just respectfully asking for closure to help me move on. I'm sad/confused abt how things turned out, but I'm not angry or blaming you. Perhaps I'm just out of touch, or naieve or something.

 

Pls just send a short txt abt what happened to help me, and I'll go away."

 

 

NO, NO, NO! Do not waste anymore energy on this guy! He doesn't care.

 

Do not miss work. It is the best thing for you.

[Hollyj]

Okay, I'll say "I feel like you have been really distant" and just leave it as that if he texts me tomorrow/today. Or what if the texts like we had no plans? What do I say if he doesn't text me at all today but does later in the week like nothing happened?

 

I don't see he's been on Tinder and there's nothing shady going on with his social media. No comments from girls and my pics are up, I'm so confused.

 

If he does not text you today, you are done! Finito! Never speak to him again. You should also block him, if you do nether from him today, so he does not try to come back for more sex.

[Hollyj]

I always miss the red flags, and you wouldn't believe the types of men I end up with. The strange part is that they're all extremely different and I'm drawn to them for different reasons.

 

I'm starting to feel like I'm the problem, like there's something about me that turns men off or makes them not value me. People tell me I'm attractive all the time, I have a great career and I'm proud of my educational accomplishments. I have a nice family, I'm modest, and loyal and caring.

 

After letting the guy before this one hurt me so badly, I've learned when to not get involved but this guy was the polar opposite of him. Thinking back, this guy was always super nervous and shaky in the beginning, but when he saw that I was just as nervous and flustered he'd smile, calm down and become more confident. He'd always tell me he'd protect me and try to make me feel safe around him. He loved when I'd touch his chest and shoulders when we'd make out (if I didn't he'd put my hands there) and was super affectionate with me.

 

Then I noticed he kept asking me about his body and showing me old pictures when he was (slightly) more in shape. TBH he doesn't not have a great body, and not the best posture either. He has excess breast tissue with larger nipples and he is a very slender man. I didn't mind, and was still attracted to him because of how sweet he was and I found him funny, stylish, and handsome anyhow. He would fish for compliments sometimes, and I thought it was weird and didn't really feed into it.

 

So he kept saying "I want bigger arms, I want abs". And he stopped smiling in pictures saying "I was trying to look more masculine". So all of a sudden after I slept with him he gets a personal trainer and starts going to the gym every day and stopped eating whole meals. It was weird, sometimes when we were together he wouldn't eat at all. Saturday was the last real conversation we had and after asking me how my day went, he went on and on about the percentage of body fat he had originally, where he was now and how much weight he needed to loose to get abs. He said he needs to loose 6 pounds for his summer body when he's very tall and very skinny. "Yeah I'm trying to drop my body fat tho, which is the hardest. At 10-14% is when you see abs, right now I'm at 19.4 so I have a bit to go. Probably another 6 lbs or so. So 165 which should be perfect". He has no fat on his body, he's like a beanpole. He said he doesn't need progress pictures cause he'll know when he's reached his goal and he's not taking supplements for fear of bulking up.

 

Ever since this stupid gym obsession he went and set up his Instagram like "under construction new pics coming". He lives on Facebook now and completely withdrew from me. Maybe it was because I was loosing myself when we were spending 5 out of the 7 days of the week together and needed time apart. Now he's filled it obsessing over his appearance.

 

I'm all about self improvement and getting fit, but the way he's going about it is strange. It's like he wants an instant six pack without dieting and bigger arms without bulking up within 6 weeks. Idk what's going on with him but that's no reason to shut me out.

 

The problem is, is that you chose crappy men and ignore red flags.

[Hollyj]

I just asked him if he wants to talk later. I don't think he does though. Maybe I should have gone with my original message.

 

Are you kidding. You're making mistakes again. You need to listen to us, if you want to change your patterns. You need to block and move on.

[Wiseman2]

The text was just the final nail. It didn't work out. After dating a while he decided you were incompatible and your dating style was lazy and too high maintenance for him personally..

 

No don't call for even more drama. Stop trying to provoke, turn things around, etc and hunt for a rom-com vday ending. Not happening.

I ruined a really good thing just now with that mean text.Should I try calling him later.

[LadyBug1988]

The text was just the final nail. It didn't work out. After dating a while he decided you were incompatible and your dating style was lazy and too high maintenance for him personally..

 

No don't call for even more drama. Stop trying to provoke, turn things around, etc and hunt for a rom-com vday ending. Not happening.

 

You're right. It's like I'm sorry and upset with him at the same time. First of, instead of addressing our issue, he just went back on Tinder and withdrew from me. I specifically asked him if he was interested in seeing other people to tell me and he agreed, so he lied to me. If I wasn't affectionate enough, why couldn't he just say so? Why play games to see what I would do? I told him about my past and it's like it went in one ear and out the other. He knows why I'm a little scared to dive in, how could he think I wasn't interested?

 

I'm going to leave him alone.

[Hollyj]

Have you thought about returning to counseling so that you can properly deal with your past?

 

I also suggest you look at baggagereclaim.com as I think you are missing a lot of red flags in dating.

[LadyBug1988]

Have you thought about returning to counseling so that you can properly deal with your past?

 

I also suggest you look at baggagereclaim.com as I think you are missing a lot of red flags in dating.

 

Yes, I started counseling last week, and tried to work out why I was acting exactly as the guy described. I'm going to check out that site, but everyone is right, if he cared he would have handled it differently.

[Wiseman2]

Your past is not his problem, it's yours. He doesn't need to hear it or treat you with kid gloves. Dating is about observing someone not changing them and that's what he did.

Why play games to see what I would do? I told him about my past and it's like it went in one ear and out the other. He knows why I'm a little scared to dive in, how could he think I wasn't interested?

[Hollyj]

Yes, I started counseling last week, and tried to work out why I was acting exactly as the guy described. I'm going to check out that site, but everyone is right, if he cared he would have handled it differently.

 

What upsets me, is that he was still pursuing sex, without being upfront. Jerk move.

[Hollyj]

Your past is not his problem, it's yours. He doesn't need to hear it or treat you with kid gloves. Dating is about observing someone not changing them and that's what he did.

 

I agree. You have to deal with your stuff, it is not other's responsibility. Get to a better place, and leave the past behind.

[Hollyj]

could be worse. i haven't had a single date in 12 years.

 

It's been 20, for me

[j.man]

I mean, just for context, we're talking just over a month in and all of this has gone down. This was exactly what I suggested it might be back when you were posting before New Years. 'Tis the season. People like having someone for New Years and Valentine's Day. I have no doubt it was in this guy's interest for Valentine's Day between the two of you to pan out and that he was willing to let a whole lot go to make it happen. Even still, it seems you exhausted him.

 

Fading out is always a pretty cruddy thing to do, but with all you've written with the issues you've divulged and the actions that have reflect them, it can be tough for a guy to know exactly what to do when cutting someone out who's got some mental instability. Ultimately, it's best to cut the cord fast and cleanly, but I can empathize a bit with the desire to take time to come up with an extra strategy or even genuinely believe, even if wrongly, that fading out would be doing the person a service rather than dealing one big blow.

 

In any case, I do wish you the best of luck with your therapy and please take a good, long break from dating. There will be plenty of New Years and Valentine's Days to come. Take some time to enjoy being single and not having to stress over scenarios like this.

[katrina1980]

Here's his response:

 

"I agree. These past few weeks I've been looking for some sort of passion out of you but haven't felt it.. more just of a distant, cold, dead emotional feeling. I felt like I had to make all the plans and moves so I backed off a little bit to see if you would pick planning things up, and to kick start a spark into you, but you didn't. So I just felt like I was spinning my wheels and wasting time and money. Sorry this had to be on Valentine's Day. Hope you find someone to love. Take care.

 

The problem is you didn't come on at all.. you never took my hand, my arm, gave me a hug, a kiss, unless I pushed for it. Then when you would run way, stand in the opposite side of the elevator, or across the room. It would make me feel.. idk like you didn't like me or that I was some sexual predator or something.. it made me feel awful."

He's telling the truth, I did act this way.

 

 

What upsets me, is that he was still pursuing sex, without being upfront. Jerk move.

 

This was my first thought as well Holly,

 

Interesting that, despite feeling this way for WEEKS, he waits until you have your one night of hot, passionate sex and then suddenly out of the blue decides to spring this info on you. Which he would not have done at all had you not sent your text ending it, which he agreed with and then launches into everything YOU did to mess it up.

 

JMO but it sounds to me like he was attempting to "flip the script" - blaming you for HIS fears of commitment or whatever other fears/issues he has that cause him to want come on like gangbusters (i.e. lovebomb you or any woman) until sex (good hot sex) happens and then he runs. Which, in reading all your past threads on this guy, seems to be his pattern, whether he himself acknowledges this or not.

 

That said, I do understand that feelings can change after sex, which may have been what happened here, but still, his attempt to flip the script and put all the blame on you (for being cold and distant?) seems rather cold and insensitive imho. I mean if he felt this way, why not just end it, instead of continuing to pursue sex, knowing perfectly well your fears about having sex and then having men disappear afterwards.

 

Which, no matter which way we spin this, is precisely what happened!

 

I will not put all this on him though, it takes two people to make a RL, and two people to break it.

 

LB, you too have fears you need to deal with, which have been discussed in detail in your previous threads.

 

So your fears, combined with his fears = not a healthy functional situation and I think it's for the best it's over.

 

I am sorry you're hurt though, but as another poster mentioned, PLEASE read through all your past threads about this man and your RL, think about what was said, advice given, read everything you can get your hands on re human behavior, relationships and the like..... and LEARN.

 

Hope you feel better soon... and best of luck moving FORWARD.

 

hugs

[boltnrun]

You sent the first text hoping he's respond with "No, I don't want to stop seeing you!! I'm crazy about you!!" Instead, you got a "You're right, we aren't compatible". Now you're trying to back pedal, thinking that if you just hadn't said anything everything would be fine. Except it wasn't fine.

 

Don't send a back pedaling text and don't call. You'll just look flaky and like your words mean nothing, which is not how to rekindle romance. You'll get a chance at romance with someone else after you figure out what you want and what is best for you with therapeutic help.

[LadyBug1988]

This was my first thought as well Holly,

 

Interesting that, despite feeling this way for WEEKS, he waits until you have your one night of hot, passionate sex and then suddenly out of the blue decides to spring this info on you. Which he would not have done at all had you not sent your text ending it, which he agreed with and then launches into everything YOU did to mess it up.

 

JMO but it sounds to me like he was attempting to "flip the script" - blaming you for HIS fears of commitment or whatever other fears/issues he has that cause him to want come on like gangbusters (i.e. lovebomb you or any woman) until sex (good hot sex) happens and then he runs. Which, in reading all your past threads on this guy, seems to be his pattern, whether he himself acknowledges this or not.

 

That said, I do understand that feelings can change after sex, which may have been what happened here, but still, his attempt to flip the script and put all the blame on you (for being cold and distant?) seems rather cold and insensitive imho. I mean if he felt this way, why not just end it, instead of continuing to pursue sex, knowing perfectly well your fears about having sex and then having men disappear afterwards.

 

Which, no matter which way we spin this, is precisely what happened!

 

I will not put all this on him though, it takes two people to make a RL, and two people to break it.

 

LB, you too have fears you need to deal with, which have been discussed in detail in your previous threads.

 

So your fears, combined with his fears = not a healthy functional situation and I think it's for the best it's over.

 

I am sorry you're hurt though, but as another poster mentioned, PLEASE read through all your past threads about this man and your RL, think about what was said, advice given, read everything you can get your hands on re human behavior, relationships and the like..... and LEARN.

 

Hope you feel better soon... and best of luck moving FORWARD.

 

hugs

 

Thank you for helping me feel like this whole mess isn't my fault. I know I was scared, and what was interesting is that I naturally defaulted to the way he behaved when I would run away from him. If the way I feel right now is the way I've been making him feel this entire time, I'm terribly sorry and never meant to do that to him. You're right, his fears and my fears combined were not compatible. The thing that makes me saddest is that he actually liked me, and I never meet anybody who does. I feel like I ruined things with a great guy, but you're most likely right about his commitment issues. Maybe I subconsciously sensed them and that's why I was so afraid. Like a freaking moron I tried calling and texting him after, and he didn't respond. It's like he was everything I ever wanted, except he kept rushing me and making me uncomfortable.

 

My feeling don't even make sense anymore, I'm just going to continue crying this out with wine and Netflix before work tomorrow. I did myself a favor and deleted his number, deactivated Facebook, and Instagram. I am meeting with my therapist tomorrow, and I will tell him all about this. I just hope one day I meet another guy who'll actually want to love and have fun with me the way he did. I feel like that's so rare, but maybe next time I can recognize it and be open and reciprocal. Hopefully he won't rush or pressure me, so I feel safe enough to open up naturally.

[LadyBug1988]

You sent the first text hoping he's respond with "No, I don't want to stop seeing you!! I'm crazy about you!!" Instead, you got a "You're right, we aren't compatible". Now you're trying to back pedal, thinking that if you just hadn't said anything everything would be fine. Except it wasn't fine.

 

Don't send a back pedaling text and don't call. You'll just look flaky and like your words mean nothing, which is not how to rekindle romance. You'll get a chance at romance with someone else after you figure out what you want and what is best for you with therapeutic help.

 

I sent the first text hoping he would tell me something really mean to hurt my feelings and prove he was just like my abusive ex. I was looking for him to swear at me, to insult me, for him to intentionally try to hurt me because that's what I felt he was doing by withdrawing emotionally. When he came back with those paragraphs about his feelings, I felt like he was the first man I had ever met with a soul. I've never met a man who expressed/had true vulnerable feelings, and I felt like I understood his complaints. When he described all the things I had done to hurt him, all I could do was apologize. I'd never want to make anyone feel so bad so I told him I was sorry, I didn't know I was hurting him, and I was just afraid. I was thinking he was thinking something completely different, that was not what I was expecting, and I wanted to make it up to him. Like an emotional idiot, I called him and he didn't answer. So to do damage control I've erased his number and will never contact him again.

 

I'm such a mess.

[Wiseman2]

Neither text was vulnerable or feeling or nice, his nor yours. They were honest and to the point. He basically said you were cold and high maintenance in a few sentences. It sounds like you are trying to romanticize the ending..

When he came back with those paragraphs about his feelings, I felt like he was the first man I had ever met with a soul. I've never met a man who expressed/had true vulnerable feelings, and I felt like I understood his complaints. When he described all the things I had done to hurt him.

[LadyBug1988]

Neither text was vulnerable or feeling or nice, his nor yours. They were honest and to the point. He basically said you were cold and high maintenance in a few sentences. It sounds like you are trying to romanticize the ending..

Yes, I was both of those things.

[LadyBug1988]

He responded:

 

Sorry I had to working late. Personally I just feel things have run there course, and if we are having this many issues this early on, there's little hope for further down the road, and the feelings just aren't their anymore. I'm sorry. You should continue to date new people, not only will you learn about others but it will help you develop who you really are. I wish you the best and I hope you find the love and piece you deserve.

 

I responded:

 

Thank you, for reminding me that there are still men with souls. I appreciate everything you've done, and sorry for hurting you in any way I have.

[LadyBug1988]

You guys are right, we just weren't compatible. Maybe it was nobody's fault, maybe I did screw things up. But it's over now, I guess I'll try and sleep.

[Capricorn3]

Sorry I had to working late. Personally I just feel things have run there course, and if we are having this many issues this early on, there's little hope for further down the road, and the feelings just aren't their anymore. I'm sorry. You should continue to date new people, not only will you learn about others but it will help you develop who you really are. I wish you the best and I hope you find the love and piece you deserve..

He's right. At least you know where you stand. Learn from this and time to move on.

[LadyBug1988]

He's right. At least you know where you stand. Learn from this and time to move on.

 

 

I've just ruined things with the best guy I've ever dated

[katrina1980]

Yes, I was both of those things.

 

I've just ruined things with the best guy I've ever dated

 

LB, you need to stop taking the blame. Just stop.

 

If those were his true feelings, feelings he had been experiencing for WEEKS, then why the hell did he continue to push to have sex with you? Why did he continue telling you how special you were and how he would NEVER leave you (like all the d-bags before him did)? And then go cold on YOU pretty much immediately after you had sex (the second time, the first time was a total bust).

 

If you were so cold and distant, why not just stop dating you, you weren't dating that long. Makes ZERO sense.

 

So come on now, use your "noodle" (i.e. brain) as my late mom used to say. lol

 

The man was a scammer and I called it way back on your very first thread.

 

All the love-bombing (google it), among other things, was a dead giveaway.

 

If you learn anything from this, next time a man comes on to you like that straight outta of the gate, with all his sweet talk, I'll never leave you, you are so different, beautiful, all the gifts, the expensive dinners, the future talk, pushing for sex, etc etc etc, NEXT him immediately.

 

Just me, but when a man comes on like this straight from the get to, it's quite easy for me to next him, why? Because I find it a major turn OFF. It actually nauseates me when a man treats me this way BEFORE getting to know me. I have been known to actually excuse myself from the dinner table at a restaurant and walk OUT when I hear this **** coming from a man's mouth on those early dates.

 

It shows me he is either scamming me (to have sex) or big on FANTASY, or just BS'ing me, all of which are huge turn offs for me.

 

I mean seriously, I could be an alien from outer space for all he knows lol, and he's saying all this **** to me? Give me a break.

 

It should turn you off too. But it doesn't cause you are starving for love and affection, which is why you need to seek some professional help.

 

Because when people are starving for love and affection the way you are, your picker will always be off, you will attract the wrong men and will always make poor choices.

 

I am sorry this sounds a bit harsh, but when I hear you continue to blame yourself, when all you really did was behave prudently and cautiously until you developed TRUST, it pisses me off!

 

Have yourself a good cry tonight and then wake up tomorrow and carry on.

 

Talk to your therapist and reflect, introspect.

 

And LEARN

 

I am still learning, still make mistakes, but it's okay. I dont' blame myself for everything, I realize it takes TWO people to break a RL.

 

Time heals and life goes on.