Ex keeps asking me for money even though I'm supporting the baby by myself

[Hollyj]

You will probably end up having to pay alimony.

 

As a married couple, you are also responsible for his debt. It is very unwise to keep this attachment.

[Hollyj]

I don't have a house. I'm renting. That's probably a really good thing that I don't have much, Bc then there's not much to take. I don't know why they'd take from me, when I'm the only one supporting the baby. Don't get me wrong I am gladly and willingly supporting her, but I need all that I make. And the court would just garnish it Bc he doesn't want to make a living for himself?

 

 

The problem is, is that you choose to support him for the last three years.

[xbrokenx]

I don't get why you don't care about alimony. You may have to pay him. So this whole thread becomes a moot point - him asking for $20 will turn in to a couple thousand (or whatever) every. single. month.

 

Well I would care about alimony if that had anything to do with me? But it doesn't at

This point In my life yet. I could only hope that I wouldn't have to pay alimony, Bc he certainly hasn't paid child support , so what kind of twisted court would tell me ,a single mother, to pay alimony to a dad that hasn't helped financially to raise his child? That would just be ridiculous

[luminousone]

Hi Broken,

 

Hats off to you for taking care of your daughter on your own!

 

As far as your husband, I wonder why you are only doing the legal separation and not a divorce? In my case we did a legal separation so I could stay on my husband's insurance but once the Affordable Care Act allowed me to purchase my own insurance, we filed for divorce. But that was the only reason for staying married but separated. There were no other reasons.

 

Are you in the states?

 

I am just concerned for you staying married to someone that is so challenged with money. Because while you are still married he could run up debt and you will be liable for half of that debt, as I understand.

 

I urge you to speak with a lawyer to make sure you are protecting yourself financially.

[Hollyj]

Well I would care about alimony if that had anything to do with me? But it doesn't at

This point In my life yet. I could only hope that I wouldn't have to pay alimony, Bc he certainly hasn't paid child support , so what kind of twisted court would tell me ,a single mother, to pay alimony to a dad that hasn't helped financially to raise his child? That would just be ridiculous

 

Because you chose to take care of this loser for the last three years.

 

You need to wrap this up. As a married couple you are viewed as one.

[mustlovedogs]

Like I said, the debts could balance out. But you could legally owe him money. You could legally inherit his debts. You need to stop and think about this. Stop playing the victim and be proactive to protect yourself. Being a single mom may not be enough of a defense.

 

Edit: because if I were him, I would chase you for alimony. He seems like the kind of guy who would.

[Hollyj]

Like I said, the debts could balance out. But you could legally owe him money. You could legally inherit his debts. You need to stop and think about this. Stop playing the victim and be proactive to protect yourself. Being a single mom may not be enough of a defense.

 

Edit: because if I were him, I would chase you for alimony. He seems like the kind of guy who would.

 

Dogs is spot on!!!!!!!

[RainyCoast]

okay, sole custody, excellent, absolutely agree on going for full custody and not involving him as a father. you'll have no difficulty in court over this- but you will want an actual divorce. a legal seperation may reflect a fear of yours, it's almost like a "leaving the door ajar-ish" kind of move.

 

so seeing as you won't be a family unit, you have absolutely no obligation to be his cash dispenser (and wouldn't even if you were family). sperm donor honey. is all his behavior makes him. this isn't a guy in a father role- and he shouldn't be. the gift of your daughter is the sole good thing he's ever produced, absolutely agree.

 

 

so what is the unconscious computation behind keeping this interaction between you two going? people are bringing up codependence because these ties are symbiotic (although that isn't to say they're pleasant), and if you can recognize the ill pattern of relating, you can differentiate yourself from it. i'm sure from your description of him that he can be unbelievably manipulative. also, you mention him manipulating and exploiting people all over the place. this is the sick pattern of relating.

 

he didn't suddenly become like this. the behavioral patterns are there, sleeping, until something causes distress and they surface in plain view. i do believe his patterns were undetectable to you when times were good, as this is habitually the case. i don't think people are trying to say you consciously chose a bum, it's logical noone would consciously choose to place themselves in this position. ppl are saying that his behavior makes it clear you and your daughter will not benefit from him in your life, and that he will be the factor that sabotages your wellbeing. that is clear, right?

 

so you were an overachiever/underachiever type couple. what purpose does this kind of an arangement serve? it works fine for a while, as you've noticed, so it must be satisfactory on some level. it works fine because the overachiever is given a sense of aptness, authority, confidence, a level of control that assures her she is apt to deal in life, this is good, it reduces fear of life and what it might bring. it works fine because the underachiever is taken care of (the underachiever needs a Big Other who is capable, because he is convinced he is either incapable of being an adult or believes he is entitled to act irresponsibly), he is allowed to regress into a childlike state where others provide and deal for him, it is comforting, soothing for him to experience the protection of almost a kind of a "womb" or babycot, escape the demands of life.

 

then.

 

the overachiever works three jobs and raises a kid on her own, and has noone to rely on to help. he won't even take the trash out. even if you leave your bills stacked on the kitchen counter with the exact sum of money for them on top, with a post it that says "would you please go pay these they're due today and i can't go because i'm leaving straight for nightshift after work", he won't do it, he'll likely spend it, even if it means you and the kid will be left without water and power supply. he won't wash his dish, but will nag to go buy him Cheetos at 11 pm when he's watching GOT and you're working on your degree or trying to finally sleep or whatever. there is no shortage of these people OP. predictable as it gets. so you start to get resentful. you are overworked, explioted, unsupported, your child is too, you are commodities, an atm, a bed and breakfast, not only do you not get practical support, you also don't have a partner, you have a full grown males dead weight dragging you down as you're trying to do it all. suddenly, the position of power, competence, nurturance, authority, responsibility and caregiving that you occupied presents it's dark side. and it's blaaaargh.

 

what happens for him? as you get upset, he may either compete with you (and the child even) for the "who needs the others support/reliability more than the other" or he may become resentful of feeling like a inept subordinate, and may even project onto you his inability to function in the wider world by accusing you of trapping him in the family life. he seeks a third person (moving away from you) so that the third soaks up some anxiety. because of the way he functions, no person will agree to be permanent support for him (he sucks everybody dry, as you know best), so inevitably, he tries to move closer toyou again. he can do this moving towards, moving away from dance for as long as you let him. if you don't, he'll simply keep inviting ever new people into the parent role. you are disposable, so don't fall into the trap of believing that because he returns frquently, you or the child matter. when we function in a pattern like he does, the roles are always fixed- it's simply different people occupying them at diferent times. he'll find ever more people and i know folk who literally pick up the phone and start phoning person after person in their contacts when they need a provider. they don't stop until someone provides something. they should be enlisted by insurance companies and jehova's witnesses- the persistance is incredible!

 

 

so o differentiate yourself from this type of relating (not only to be rid of him, but to not fall into the trap of other people like him either), you want to look at where you were undifferentiated so to speak- where your "self" wasn't really yours but fused with him. the feeling of being able to keep responsibilities in check, toprovide, to cope, to function in times of distress was gained basically by comparison. your life, compared to his way of living, is saying "this is how you deal and not let life run you over". the thing is, you had to say that because really, you needed to hear it, to pep talk yourself through trials. but you don't need to prove to yourself that you are a coper in relation to someone else. factually, even when you had a partner, you did everything by yourself. under exhaustion and abusive traumatic circumstance, you still did it all. with the extra responsibility for your child, you still did everything.

the other thing you were able to prove to yourself through him was that you are a good, caring, empathic person. you pleased and nurtured and provided excessively, you have proof. so here remind yourself that had you done absolutely nothing at all and just layed around in depression and lived off the dole you still would not have been a bad person or deserving the subhuman treatment you got from him.

guilt and the need the need to stay afloat are what's keeping you tied to him. i did what you do. my brain was saying hell no you duck you can't tak my last 20 bucks, but my hand just flexed itself out, reached for my wallet, handed my last bill while my mouth blutred out "here" as my brain was screaming "the duck are you doing you idiot?!! we said no?? we need that money?!!". the thig is when you play a fixed role (probably very similar to the role you played in the nuclear family), the response is automatic. you don't enable him because you're dumb, you know perfectly well what he is and that you don't need it. the role is fixed. and it's not a coincidence you ended up with him because he can only function within a system where someone plays an enabler role- see him couch surfing and borrowing money everyhwere.

 

you differentiate your position by emotionally detaching yourself from the sick system (system of him plus you or him plus anyone). it's not your problem, it's how he operates. with anyone. so the rules that goven hat system aren't legitimate criteria to measure yourself against- you as a "good person who doesn't cut the father off, doesn't say no to a broke pšersn even if he's malicious", you as a person who can cope.

 

 

the subterfuge under symbiotic ties is "without this tie, i am incompetent at.......". what happens for both when you take one person away? the dependent fears having to be in control. what do you fear?

 

 

he is horrible and i'm truly sorry you've experienced this side of him, and that your child did. but here is an interaction, one person asking, the other giving in. that's a system. he can't leech if he's not allowed to. what's preventing you from not giving in isn't rational, it isn't poor judgement, you have perfectly good judgement. but emotional patterns follow rules thatdisregard the pleasure principle- one can compulsively do something painful and counterproductive, as in the example of the hand giving the money while the mind screams inwardly. it isn't as simple as "don't give him money because that takes away from your child". you already know that.

 

so the impulse to act this way is elsewhere, it's emotional, and it could be a lot of things, as the relationship was emotionally a nightmare. you've explained you're perfectly repulsed and horrified, but what was your emotional reaction to suddenly not having a partner but a monster/leech/abuser? what were your hopes and expectations of him prior to him becoming symptomatic? when you categorically don't have your needs met in a relationship, you'll need to come up with alternative ways of sort of gratifying them. so if you can see which need you're trying to meet by giving in to his guilt tripping, you can find better ways of having it met.

 

sorry, that's so long. i'm drawn to these threads because i've blamed myself for partaking in so many disfunctional relationships so much. and because they're so harmful, we are compelled to go "omg cut him off already you're letting him ruin your and the child's life". the ties that bind us to these people don't give a hoot about the reality and pleasure principles.

 

 

are you a moral masochist as well btw? this has been a major contributing factor for me.

[RainyCoast]

That's the point I was trying to make. She will probably owe him money unless she gets a good lawyer to prove he doesn't deserve it (abuse/infidelity/etc). But depending on state laws, he may be owed half your value, including the house.

 

i would enlist social services here. they use a systemic approach, maintaining the functioning of the family unit (the actual family unit, not an abusive scumbag who drops a text now and then) and could intervene to prevent a financial crisis for OP due to alimony. they also offer counselling.

[mustlovedogs]

i would enlist social services here. they use a systemic approach, maintaining the functioning of the family unit (the actual family unit, not an abusive scumbag who drops a text now and then) and could intervene to prevent a financial crisis for OP due to alimony. they also offer counselling.

 

Agreed - but OP needs to be proactive and start working on this sooner rather than later.

[RainyCoast]

gosh i'm sorry for all the typos. my keyboard is a little stiff and i was trying to type it out fast fearing op might leave the thread when i saw the first few responses went down the wrong way.

[xbrokenx]

Wow rainy you must be a psychologist or something. LOL. It was definitely an emotional roller coaster for me with him I can say that for sure. I hate saying it but even though he did all kinds of betraying things towards me and just a terrible guy to me, I still did have a true love for him. But I haven't given him anything in a while now . And have been ignoring him and actually glad to hear that he's moving. That's how I know that I don't love him like I used to anymore and that I can move on 100% and let him go Bc he is just bad news and no benefit to me whatsoever. I will be looking into getting a lawyer and this divorce going very soon.

[xbrokenx]

Well I never responded to him earlier when he asked for money. Usually if he's desperate enough.. He'll call my phone off the hook or

Keep texting bothering me until I answer but apparently he must have found some

Help.

[chitown9]

It is a good thing that you are getting a legal separation. That protects you financially from any debts that he incurs. Smart move. I understand that it was quicker and easier to get than a divorce. The divorce can come later...custody of your child needs to be decided quickly, however. It sounds like his alcoholism was the major contributor to the demise of your marriage. I am wishing you the best...

[xbrokenx]

It is a good thing that you are getting a legal separation. That protects you financially from any debts that he incurs. Smart move. I understand that it was quicker and easier to get than a divorce. The divorce can come later...custody of your child needs to be decided quickly, however. It sounds like his alcoholism was the major contributor to the demise of your marriage. I am wishing you the best...

 

Well that is reassuring . I'm glad it protects me financially from him Bc I need that desperately

[Wiseman2]

Excellent you are seeing an attorney for legal separation so you can sever finances and assets and work out custody and child support from him, minimizing any contact.

 

You are wise to get this guy out of your life asap and take care of your child. Do not let him connive any longer. Change your locks. Get support from family and friends. Hope you got a real wolverine for a lawyer.

now that he's been living on friends or family members couches since or even living with one or two different girlfriends, he still has the audacity to ask me for money or help him

[Usa1ah]

Tough love. Stop bailing him out.

 

He will never stand on his own if everyone keeps bailing him out.