Lisi's journal of happy

[Lisii]

I find out next week if I still have a job - I can't elaborate more online, but nothing I have done - I've been bored for a while, so it would be a blessing. I had a business call me out of the blue asking if I wanted extra work, so I hope this may be a change in career that I've been wanting....

 

My sons both had the day off school today - they both had swimming sports, so I let them off. I'm a little worried about the eldest, he's complaining of pins and needles in his leg and can hardly walk, I will take him to the drop in clinc today see what the doctor says.. poor thing.

 

Still a quiet life, Mr London is being a dream... so Hmmmm I don't know.. will see if he can get rid of his bad habits and where we can go from there... I haven't felt this at ease with someone for a long time. It's very easy to talk about life and everything with him - guess it's because we have history.

 

If my son feels better on Saturday I may take the boys for a trek. Otherwise the Beach, - soak in salt water might be good for him I'm a little worried.

[Lisii]

My sons foot is all strapped up, It's funny I realise now how much I rely on him... poor kid, he's frustrated - cant do much.

 

Tried to mow the lawns yesterday - lawn mower died. Did some gardening, baking (banana cake & savoury muffins) and Netflix all afternoon... so very lazy. I'm feel like I've mentally blocked myself from going into the forest - I tend to be avoid it atm, seeing my therapist for my 3 monthly Warranty of mental fitness this month... will see what she says.

 

My Gf wanted to come visit yesterday but I lied and said I wasn't feeling well, I couldn't be bothered and my brother (non related more like a male best friend) was meant to pop in too, but I kinda pushed him away as well. It's not that I'm depressed, it's more I can't be bothered. I'm happy in my bubble... I guess I can't be bothered with small talk (so unusual as I chatter really really well). Wonder if it could be onset of early menopause

 

Who knows... maybe I'm just weird ... haha (given)

[Lisii]

Nothing new. No news at work. No dramas.

 

My gf K popped in and we randomly decided to go collect pine cones.. it was hot and steep and I almost died.. most exercise I've done in ages.

 

I now have a lot of pine cones - and a lot of wood for next winter, i have to sort myself for this year! Ekkk.

 

Happy, no dramas.. plodding along 😊

[Lisii]

Organising my trip to Mexico in June.... EkkkkSqueeeeel rather excited!!!!

 

also, looking at upgrading my car, there use to be a time when I would buy new and upgrade every 2 years, cant think of anything worse to spend my money on. Unfortunately I need something bigger as my sons are to big for my wee car, their knees are up around their ears when they sit in the back, haha first world problems, I think a flinstone car would be more beneficial. I'm looking at Toyota SUV's, Harriers, Pajero's etc - feeling it will be expensive... Oldest son would like me to get a Ute for his mountainbiking... I'm screaming Lotto! such a lot of money for a hunk of metal with wheels... wish I was mechanical then I'd buy a VW Kombi Van.

 

I see my therapist this afternoon, will see if she can shed light on my apathetic-ness with life in general.

 

Then home to pick up my eldest to help move a friend from my depression group into a new home - talk about leaving things to last minute! this friend only asked for help 30 mins ago... sigh.. depression sucks, I hope a change of scenery helps him, his current flatmate was a battleaxe.

 

Then home to mow lawns, they are a mess with the deluge we had over the last week, we had one month rain in 12 hrs.. everything is popping with green. Leaves are starting to fall now we are in Autumn - and it's starting to get cold, we lit the fire on Saturday, it was so beautiful - but still too hot for it, but I did it anyway

 

I really need to start running again..

[Lisii]

Not much happening (apart from workplace stuff on another thread) ...

 

Social life is boring, only because I choose it to be.. I'm meant to see a band play on Thursday night with K & L but I really can't be bothered... lol, Mr Smilie messaged me this morning and asked if I would go for a beer with him this week.. I said yes, but really can't be bothered.... again boring me.

An ex from a long time ago has asked me to go for a coffee on Saturday, and my brother from another mother is asking me to go out next week.... again I can't be bothered. I think my gf K was disappointed in me, she asked me to go walk around one of the lakes yesterday and I said no, again, I couldn't be bothered. I never was much of a home body, but am now - loving my me time... haha!

 

I didn't Netflix this weekend, I was very productive, spent Saturday going through my Tupperware and re organised my kitchen and Sunday I finished painting/staining the side of the house - looking good the boys helped, #1 went out with friends on Saturday, #2 went out with friends on Sunday, it was nice to have one on one with them.

 

I bought an Exercycle machine and looking a a Cross Trainer this afternoon to set up a home gym, might grab a treadmill too... (not sure where I will put them, thinking of converting the garage into a gym for the boys and I...)

 

I'm happy in my bubble...

[Lisii]

Have to share..

 

My eldest greeble - the 15 yr old 6ft2 monster, helps out my parents with their large garden and general maintenance around the house... particularly the lawns (which my father is very pedantic about.. to the point of using a ruler!...)

 

On Friday Mr Greeble was picked up and taken out to the house, mowed the lawn and came home, nothing out of the ordinary.. no discussions, apart from he was chuffed that he was allowed to drive Nana's car home..

 

Today I get a photo sent to me of dad's lawn.... Greeble mowed a big penis shape on the main lawn bed... haha! - it's huge...

 

So the message I get from my dad ... "Little B**t**d cut a penis shaped patch into out lawn

 

followed by " If he does it again, I will cut his willy off!"

 

 

.... haha the apple doesn't fall far from the tree (I'm meaning granddad), I'm scared about what is going to happen to my lawn in future!

[Lisii]

Had a lovely weekend.

 

Caught up with an old friend/ex for lunch and was allowed to drive his v8 sports car for the morning 😊.. my inner bogan surfaced and yes I did exceed the speed limit a few times ... no one is perfect 😇

 

I bought a firepit for my garden and my gf (K) came over to help Christening it by roasting marshmallows on it with my boys. Had my first wine in 3 weeks.. (it was light, so I forgive myself .. tehe)

 

Today i went for a 6km fastwalk around one of the lakes (photo in photography section), sadly I'm now sporting a massive blister as a reward- time for new trail sneakers boo😞

 

Finishing by layng on the couch, feet up and chilling with raspberry dark chocolate and a cuppa.. bliss!

[Lisii]

Another week no dramas, still plodding along.

 

I was offered a job with another company, they have said no rush in getting back to them - (as it's a new role and they need time to set up a position description) - but they want me , I'm not sure I want them, it's not as corporate as I'd like, a family run business, I would need to work longer hours to get what I'm making presently.... - still it would be with a happier team, I don't know.. My current boss is still in negotiations with "possible take-over" and it's getting a little soul destroying dragging myself here everyday.

 

Home life is great, The kids are not going to visit their dad's these holidays so I'm thinking of taking them camping to the east coast. I have to check that the tent is still waterproof and habitable - it's been a while since I've used it. Will need to get my big boy to sleep in the car as he snores, and we can't have that! haha

 

Mexico is coming into fruition... ekkkkkkk! mid year! so very exciting, I've never been to the America's (Hawaii excluded, but that was wayyyy back in the 80's)

 

I bought a Cross trainer to go with the Exercycle on Monday - my youngest and I are doing 10 mins on each machine everyday - next week we will increase it to 15mins and so on... I'm glad I bought them, we have been having terrible weather, not very inspiring for going outside to play.. He's keen which is awesome!

 

Plod, Plod, all good in Lisii's world

[Lisii]

Waiting Waiting

I overheard my boss this morning, looks like we may find out on Tuesday if we will be made redundant or not. - He hasn't informed us of whats on the cards, which is understandable - I'd just like to know for my families sake.

I have a job lined up and like I said above they are happy to wait - bummer the pay wont be as much, but it will tie me over and possibly get my esteem up (being a single mother, I have to be ten steps ahead, like anyone I guess I would hate to be in the situation of not having any income ... )

 

Life is otherwise good.

My eldest son (15yrs) has acquired a job!!!! yay! at a local cafe in the weekends - it's very trendy and he is super stoked - (so am I and very very proud) it shouldn't interfere with his studies as it's weekends and holidays only. I just hope he doesn't get tempted to eat all the yummy food they have!

 

Decided to put Mexico off until Christmas, we will meet in San Francisco instead and have a play and shop around. With how things are world wide, I would prefer to be only one flight away from home, not several. Still very exciting, I have some friends over there from the running community it will be awesome to catch up!

 

Had terrible flooding over the last few days, to say the country is sodden is an understatement, it's sad to see the poorer communities suffer so much as well, have put my name down to help/volunteer this weekend, we have a lot we can donate in bedding and clothes.

 

All good in Lisii's world, nothing but work and world wide events (the sad stories from Syria ) that are upsetting me.

[Lisii]

It's been a while, gladly I can put it down to not having any drama's

 

 

Still no news at work, I know I'm not indebted to them, but I don't feel quite ready to move on. Full time work would be great to tame my idle mind... I need more people contact!

I was talking to a person from the local council regarding a volunteering position for an event coming up in spring! it will be so awesome if it comes to fruition... fingers X

 

 

We went camping over Easter to a beautiful beach with an ex of mine and his daughter (purely platonic) the ex and his daughter were in their Winnebago and my boys and I slept in our tent (the eldest was kicked out - he snores - and slept in the back of my wagon). We had such a wonderful time, that we've decided to do more in the future.

 

It was funny as we arrived after the latest Cyclone which hit our wee island. We put up the tent and slept reasonably well, sheltered between the huge Winnie and the neighbours caravan. The next morning we woke up to a distant thunder storm, I told my eldest to join us in the tent, a fork of lightening hit the water 150 m from our tent, my little man jumped straight into my bed and my eldest grabbed me so tight! so much fun! haha - something we will never forget. 5 mins later it was beautiful blue skies outside and the kids were surfing... FUN!

 

A couple of photo's from my trip:

 

1. Craft with my friends daughter - annnnnnd with my wine outside the tent..

 

[img] by Lisii, on Flickr

 

 

 

2. Evening Stroll after a stormy day...

[img] by Lisii, on Flickr

 

 

I had an old school friend come and stay for the weekend which was awesome, she came for a rest, but I exhausted her with my tour around my town (she'd never been before)

 

We took the boat out to one of the lakes, water was over most of the jetties, so much water!

 

Lisii, on Flickr

 

by Lisii, on Flickr

[Lisii]

ekkk two of my pictures fell off! - try again:

 

 

[img] by Lisii, on Flickr

 

by Lisii, on Flickr

[Lisii]

Hello Journal

 

I have nothing to report, had a backpacker friend from a friend come and stay a couple of nights last week, he was really cool and the kids enjoyed his company. He "planted" my new letterbox with the kids and we showed him around.

 

I'm battling a sinus infection, my face is so sore, bought some stuff from the chemist to cleanse so hopefully it will clear... head hurts....

 

The boy's dad is here this weekend, which is nice for them. Big kid officially starts his weekend job at a local cafe, so it will be nice for their dad to be a part of it. I will have 3 nights to myself! Yay! oh what to do

 

Jack Cat isn't doing too good, he's back from the vets, hoping for a miracle so I don't need to put him down...

 

Work is work, cant get into too much, we have had no news re the merger/take over/business, so plodding along (and looking for a perfect opportunity/career move, nothing is jumping out at me)

 

I'm very content. not much to report again..

[Lisii]

It's been a long time since I wrote in my Journal.

 

Many a good thing I guess, I must say I'm pretty happy with life (other than my big kid giving me a heart attack - see in parenting articles, it was a doozey for me)

 

Still no decision at work, I'm waiting until July, have decided to go back to Study... I would like to do a degree in Applied Science, looking at Radiography, with the idea of possibly moving on to Sonography, have to talk to the University Guidance counselor and see what the requirements are.

 

Very left field, I'm just so sick of doing something for nothing, I have no satisfaction working in an office with no client interaction. I need people, I need to say my 60,000 words a day... haha, my boys will start leaving home in 4 years (possibly) or I may leave home, I have always like the idea of volunteers abroad, but never thought my skills would benefit anyone. At least with a degree in Nursing or Health Care I would be unstoppable... (hoping!).

 

I've also dropped my meds, I kept forgetting to take them, and thought well maybe it's a sign that I don't need them or rely on them... so poof they be gone.

 

No news.

 

Just a quick entry as I'm just about to run out the door for a doctors appointment.

 

Yay! to a good life.

[Lisii]

Again not much to report.

 

The exhb wants the ashes from our dog that died about 8 years ago to release with the ashes from our dog that died last year... I'm pondering?? - not sure if that is the right word - deliberating maybe? I'm not angry, but I still have a few words to him (that I will never say) so instead I will write on here today - somewhere to release I guess... I'm not p*ssed off, just kinda Meh about anything he asks.

 

Letter to You, words I will never say to your face, wish I had said some, irrelevant now:

 

Dear M.

You would like B's ashes, B was our first baby, I still have the newspaper advert for her $10 it cost us for 8 years of bouncy loppy slobbery joy. We had a good life back then, no stresses and I have no regrets, we went to so many places and experienced so much more than others would, with B and with BB (another dog) those two were funny and gave us so much love.

 

When B died, a part of me went with her, maybe for you too.. She was young and her mind was so sharp, sadly her body gave out.. I had to make that call, I organised friends to take the boys, I organised the vet, I was the strong one and carried her to the back of the car, I was the one that stroked her head as she fought for her last breathe of air, you took a back seat - was it to hard to deal with - oh sad, poor you.. thanks for your help and support with it all.

 

Exactly a year later I was battling situational depression, you were never home, organising another impending shift to another city - another city that housed a certain female employee. Our once life of travels, exploring has changed, I had lost who I was - bringing up two kids alone while we moved from one city to the next for your Career.

 

I was the one left to make friends to make house where ever we relocated - put a smile on my face whenever you came home, I was the one who did all the chores so you could home and relax (I think in 2 years you never mowed the lawn! let alone washed a car) you chose to clean the pool - maybe that stroked your ego - a fancy immaculate house in the burbs with a pool. You had your workmates who were the same where ever you moved (one of which started to sniff around you)- You said I could start my career when the youngest turned 5 - but instead of encouraging me you started to tell me I was not suited to any of my choices, not unexpected as you were never one to compliment or support me it was always about you... then I found your txts from her, she was your HR manager, she worked under you (haha- literally I'm guessing).. Telling you to leave me. Oh yay.

 

So long story short - you know the story, I kicked you out (not that you resisted - you told a friend that you were going to beg to come back only so I would move to the new city and then leave me so that your wouldn't have to pay CS - did you notice all our friends became my friends?) ... you moved out straight to her to another city 6 hours away, I drove halfway every fortnight so the kids could see you (later finding out from my lawyer that I didn't need to do that - the km's those poor kids did!), but I stupidly did it, thinking it was the best for the children - I never argued. I wanted them to love their dad, regardless of how sour and toxic we had become to each other - I didn't want them to suffer or become victims to the divorce parents stigma.

 

I was left alone to separate all our belongings and pack up the house, sadly in one box I accidentally mixed up two boxes and you received my toys from when I was little, the box I had received had the kids christening gowns, which belonged to your families - I told you I would keep them safe (as I knew you wouldn't really care for them - they were 70 years old and fragile).

 

Fast forward to my move home to our birth country with our kids (where both our parents lived) - once the divorce was final - your mother organised her first and only visit to see the boys, I gave her the christening gowns, carefully wrapped in ricepaper and boxed - just like I promised. She accused me of not letting her see the kids (ummmm what??? another one of your lies??)

 

Now, you would like B. You or EK threw away all my childhood toys, even Humpty Dumpty who I knitted for a school project with my little 11 year old fingers, you didn't give a sh*t. It was my past and of no value you to, so you tossed it. Thank you for not even giving me the option to have a friend collect it. Not much I can do really... but it kinda hurts, you put very little value on someones belongings.

 

I see you everytime you come over to see the boys, you cry every time you drop them of... I feel for you - you don't have a relationship with them like I do, yes they love you. I don't diss you to them. They see you and EK for what you are. They are great kids, and I am proud of them - sadly you never ask about their studies or their future or even ask about contributing to help them with their future career choices/studies. Kinda speaks for itself doesn't it.

 

And now you would like B's ashes to release with BB's ashes together.

 

I'm thinking today that it will be a no, not to be vindictive, B was my baby too, what gives you the right to take her to release her with a woman that has no history with her? - do you think it will be a romantic gesture? I'm sort of lost on the reasoning for this.

 

I will keep her with A (cat ashes) and will spread her ashes next time I travel to her birthplace. The same birthplace as the boys and something I can do with them.

 

I'm not a part of your life, and to be honest the stuff/toxicity that went on between us in those final two years I'm glad... (you are the father of my children and they were both conceived in a very happy time of our lives). I am not proud of who you have become, I'm disappointed that you still have no remorse. I'm not saying I'm perfect, I did key your new car when you refused to pay child support - but I never hurt you - in full remorse I promptly paid for the repairs and apologised... Nice that the invoice came addressed to her as Mrs X (you'd only been together 3 months). I don't vindictively hurt people. You and this women do. She hurts our kids with nasty words each time they visit and you don't stand up for them - you allow her to go through their laptops and ipads (which I bought them) - this backfired to her didn't it - she found some truthful messages from one kid to another about herself... And you punished the kid instead of her for snooping! go you! This is why they don't wish to visit you anymore... nothing to do with me. Your bed is obviously not greener, sad - but still funny that you are so p.whipped ..

 

B will stay in our loving family safe and loved with A and soon J

 

L.

 

 

... said.... and released ;-) - I feel lightened already.

[Lisii]

haha ricepaper = Silk paper

[Lisii]

I'm very happy.

 

Last night I went for a night walk with my gf K, I stole the neighbours dog to tag along (I'm known for this amongst my friends ;-) - I do return them ) Poor thing was barking at me when I brought in the washing last night, she was obviously lonely. I txt my neighbour to say I had stolen her, she advised me the family was in hospital as the son was having treatment. Glad I did it for them. Wish I could do more.

 

The forest at night was very beautiful, they have strung lights up in the large trees and it looks very romantic.. I showed K the glowworms that live on the bank (she didn't know they were there as when she usually goes she wears her AyUp's which beam light on everything for miles) - I love showing my favorite places to friends, it reaffirms how much I love my surroundings.

 

A is arriving back in a couple of weeks, he would like to start something with me, I am scared because of his party lifestyle and I have repeatedly told him this. Will see, I am looking forward to seeing him and catching up - he does have and amazing personality and huge heart, adorably funny!

 

Today I have an appointment with a Insurance broker, thought I'm kinda at that age where Income Protection may be beneficial... I may look at my Life/Death Insurance too (have an existing cover via my super - it's enough pay outstanding bills/mortgages and leave a little as starters for the boys). Morbid thought... but with the way I have been battling lately it will pay to be prepared for my kidlets.

 

Tomorrow I see my friend who is a Realestate agent, she would like me to do the same with her - thought it might be a fun thing to do while I study for my Ba Sc next year, something to fall back on, as well as getting out of this job.

 

xL

[reinventmyself]

Oh ouch. I read your letter to the ex.

No words. . You didn't deserve that.

 

Nice to see you carving out a good life for yourself and your kids.

The best justice ever.

[Lisii]

Oh ouch. I read your letter to the ex.

No words. . You didn't deserve that.

 

Nice to see you carving out a good life for yourself and your kids.

The best justice ever.

 

Thank you RIM. There is more, but hey - it's the past.

 

We only get one life, and I wasted a lot of it fighting, have had a lot of tears, I guess I've suddenly received my 'Older and Wiser' badge.

 

Enjoying whats in front of me.. Not perfect, but certainly a lot less dramas.

 

xL

[Lisii]

I'm starting to think more about this relationship that could happen with A, I've not been in a relationship or have dated for about 6 months (doesn't include Mr Smilie as we didn't do anything)

 

I'm scared that I have something terribly wrong with me that I have failed in past relationships. That the exhb chose the other woman, that the exbf was abusive, that the next boyfriend after dumped me because of my low self esteem and I wasn't worth sticking around with, and then G - I still wonder why I wasn't good enough for him...

 

A adores me, he's known me since I was 18yrs old, I was his first love... I'm scared he wants that girl, also that I'll be too attentive, not attentive enough, too caring, too anxious, too motherly and to military with my kids, that I have kids and that they are my priority... It all scares me.

 

I don't know why this has come up... I'm pretty independent - apart from my job I'm very happy, I have a few health problems - waiting on results on them...

 

lol... I think too much!

[Lisii]

Elloooo,

 

I've been on my wee holiday with Mr London (photo's posted on here in Landscapes and Photography), It was wonderful, weird, ok and meh. Not sure what will happen, we have such different life styles. My eyes are wide open and my heart is completely retained behind a 10 ft retaining wall. There is no rush. baby steps.

 

My boys went to see their dad for the holidays, not to Australia, but to their grandparents (exhb's) in another part of this country. It's weird as they haven't been back to Aus since Christmas, - this morning their dad sent me a txt to say he will be coming over here in August for a weekend (they use to spend every school holiday in Aus, not this year, their dad has been coming here for a weekend here and there - not half the amount of time he use to spend with them), so no September school holiday with their dad.

 

I asked the boys what was up, apparently their Step mum is a "beeatch" and cannot handle them. My boys - really really dislike her, I'm guessing they don't make it easy for her and they don't get on with her "delinquent" 13 yr old twins (which she only has part time). I have to add I have never met her boys, I have heard stories of what they have done and such, only through my boys and friends... so it's only hearsay that the are delinquents, I love kids so it's not easy to write about someone else's without seeing both sides of the story

 

buttt ... I had to have a little chuckle as when the exhb left me for her, he had her on a huge pedestal - she had the Degree in Human Resources, she was a perfect woman with perfect mothering skills due to the "psychology she knew - she worked with children when she graduated you know"... sadly 7 years on her kids refuse to live with her one apparently doesnt acknowledge her (heresay) and my kids don't respect her or want to be around her either. I'm not being nasty, but I think it's sad as my exhb left us for her, moved to a remote town in the middle of nowhere and gave up advancements in his career for her, now that they married last year, it looks like she's now refusing him to see his kids or just freaks at the possiblity - oh sad.

 

Maybe he's happy living like that, but the old him would've struggled, even though he's been a "Preck" to me in the past, he's nearly always put those boys first. He use to be very abrupt/rude emotionless in his txts to me, but now he seems to keep wanting to idle chat more and more. It's not my business his relationship and all, but I do feel sorry for my boys missing out on time with their dad and him, the exhb I guess, as everything is on her terms. I guess this is part of Karma, if we believe in it.

 

Oh well .. his circus, his monkey.

 

Anywhoot.. about me...

I declined two jobs that were offered to me a couple of months ago. and have decided to go back to work full-time (somewhere medical hopefully so I can decide on what field I'd like to major in) and study part-time starting next year. My CV is spruced up and will be sent to a couple of advertised positions tomorrow - ekkkk exciting, and scary as I'll be a mature student... I will go to a recruitment agency next week. Oooo I feel like I have a new lease on life, I can actually feel/taste my new career in the horizon.. I will work with people face to face again! Yayyy (Gosh, I'm such a weirdo, it's such a Lisii thing to say...)

 

Who knows, maybe next time I write in my journal, I will be sweating over an impending interview! ekkkkkk! - putting it out to the universe!

[Lisii]

Hello Journal

 

I've been sick the last week, things have been really yuk.. I have never been this sick ever before. (flu and bronchitis)

 

Mr London, has been confusing me no end. 6 months ago he was telling me all these things about wanting me and how much he loved me etc, he still says all that, but now he is adding negative traits... It's not gel-ing well with me.

 

I was at a party with him 3 weeks ago and he said to me that he didn't want to be a sugar daddy, WTH?? - this confused me, I have no wish to be a kept woman, I have managed (very well) to support myself and my boys, where the heck was this coming from (my net worth is actually 4-5xhis, which kinda mucked with my mind) , I didn't say anything at the time, waited a week then asked him what he meant by it - he told me not to worry he was drunk and not to listen to him when he is drunk.... mehhhh Na... when drunk people actually say what is on their minds.

 

He then kept saying niggly little things like when I said "Oh lucky! that's so unfair" jokingly at a photo of his friends new spa pool (Ive always wanted one), he turned around "Jealousy is an ugly trait" -Whhhhhaaat , so now I'm ugly because I'm apparently jealous over his friends purchase (yesss a little envious, but I don't know the guy, he probably worked really hard for it, so I'm saying no to being jealous) did I deserve that response?? I don't believe I did.

 

He's said a few other things to me that were just not what I expected... and it's all too weird.

 

So today I said I was confused, that I feel these negative words are him trying to push me away, he turned it around and said I'm pushing him away as I'm over analyzing things - so now I'm definately confused... when ever I try to "talk" with him he gets very defensive to the point of yelling at me, I tell him I would like to talk not yell (I can not yell due to my PTSD) He takes what I say and turns it around and flings them at me... I told him it hurts.

 

He was meant to be at my place 2 weeks ago but his car need extensive work done, his idea was to move to my town and change his career (needs to do a refresher course on this, which originally was meant to be done here in my town) , the course hasn't had a mention, but all of a sudden he's talking about a flyby job in the sth island ... as his mate does this... I have a feeling it's all drug related (this friend is a supplier) I think his confidence in doing his course has gone, I don't think he can clean himself up for it (he will need weekly drug testing done for it...) - I've answered my own questions.

 

I have never really done drugs, I'm not a party person. I think I'm done. - I don't talk to him about his drug taking, his friends talk to me about it, they all want me to be the one that save him... I can't do this... I know enough about addiction to know him cleaning up has nothing to do with me. I can encourage but I cannot do it for him.

 

I have my sons and my future... Of course I think to much when it comes to our happiness and safety. Is that not normal? I guess I am reading too much into it, but I don't want him to come into my life and twist it upside down.

 

My life is drama free, it's calm, it's peaceful. I have beautiful friends that encourage me to grow, I have two gorgeous teenaged boys who exhaust me to obilivion but who are the best kids in the world. I think he sees this and wants it too - he just doesn't know how. I don't think he has the strength to leave the drugs or lessen his party life style.

 

It's not overthinking is it? - maybe it is, I have stopped taking my Sertraline for my PTSD, I found it was making me into a zombie, hmmm

 

I guess I need to think about it - laughing cruel, cruel world.

[Lisii]

I'm back!! - but only to vent... haha - * no need to read... I'm seriously only venting as I'm not wanting to make a drama out of this or discuss outside of here.

 

Well a lot has happened, not so much drama free, but I think I'm dealing with it.

 

Things with Mr London are not good. I kinda had a feeling it would happen. We are wayyyy to different - which I told him countless times.

 

He loves his beer 6-10 bottles a night, and sometimes a hard liq on top (is this normal?? Ive never been around big drinkers) - errrr I may drink 3-4 glasses of wine a week.. .

He loves staying up late (drinking this beer), - I work, have responsibilities and like to be in bed by 9.30-10.30 the latest on a week night (he doesn't understand this)

He smokes, weed and Nicotine, I now have asthma - I didn't until 3 weeks ago (haven't used a ventolin in 10 years and all of a sudden - voila)

 

He needs recognition, everything he does I need to praise him, or he gets upset... everything! even just wiping a bench, I need to praise him - adding to that he does hardly anything, but thinks he does.

 

He is a drama queen, everything is about him, if it doesn't go his way he will attack verbally, not just argue, but say demeaning things, He called me vicious and nasty last week as I asked him to stop putting wood on the outdoor fire as smoke was bellowing on my face (couldn't breathe, that asthma thing) - no he didn't stop putting wood on it, infact he used up all my dry wood stoking the bloody thing. - his excuse, well "if I keep putting wood on it the combustion will stop the smoke" - my reasoning was let the bloody thing go out and then there will be no smoke! I asked nicely too, I didn't nag... ughhh we are so not suited.

 

His bloody weed, he was rolling when my son came home, I told him I don't care if he smokes it, but not at my home and certainly not in front of my sons - his excuse was "I didn't know the son was home" - holymoly!!! I went to pick my son up and said I'd be back with him in 5 mins!.

 

His need for all things big and expensive, he's replaced my couch and my tv and has turned my cute little living room into a Man Cave with huge recliner lounge suites and a massive fancy TV. - yes he deserves to feel at home, but for me who is not materialistic it was a huge shock to come home to this.

 

He has a small amount of cash, no investments, no super, nothing (oh but a huge tv and lounge suite lol), yet constantly refers to how wealthy he is, he even said he didn't want me to think of him as a sugar daddy- WAAAAAT - I am not wealthy but I am comfortable, own my own home, have superannuation, and investment accounts - I am cash strapped, live $ to $ with my budget, but in saying this I hope I will be set for life without expectation of any handouts in future (hopefully unless there is war - yes a Lisii thing to think of).

 

Back to the money thing, he doesn't want to put his ailing mother into a retirement home, as it would eat his inheritance! ! it's his mom and her money! and she asked to go in a home!!

 

So we had a fight - well he fought, called me names, I just listened, I reminded him that he said he wanted to move over as he wanted to get healthy and settle down... he told me I was a viscous nasty (again) that should be embarrassed of myself with the way I acted in front of my friends on the night of the firepit (Ummm no, sorry, my friends were glad that I'm sticking up for myself - he was the drunk fairy)

 

We haven't spoken since yesterday he's gone back to his home town, had a couple of short texts, I told him I need time to think and wish him sweet dreams, he's very angry with me because (again)...I'm viscous and nasty, and he is very hurt and never thought I had that side! - (I don't have a viscous side at all, I know this is his way to try and hurt me)

 

I have a very strong gut feeling he just wants my financial security, I don't need this right now.... as..

 

...I have had a huge month!, my boss died - I know, shocking and sad! so I haven't left, the business is still going as usual, Don't know what will happen, but as long as we still have our customers and I can manage the accounts (easy) and keep managing with the team we should be fine until it sells (under offer atm) - It's super sad, but moral has increase due to no more shouting or degrading remarks.

 

My car is a lemon, been in the garage nearly every week for the last 2 months - I don't want to upgrade... such a waste of money, looks like I may not have a choice.

 

Vent over... I need a big sleep in...

 

Positives:

My kids are doing super well at school, pulling merits and excellences (they didn't get this from me! must have skipped a generation), their teachers love them - very proud mummy!

My Garden is bursting with spring bulbs and new shoots, so very pretty and lovely place to escape to.

I have great friends and family and love my surroundings tenfold.

[Jibralta]

Mr. London sounds like bad news!!!

[Lisii]

Thanks Jibralta, He's a lost big kid, I don't have the strength to lift him up as well as raise my boys.

 

I told him this weekend that he needs to clean up, and until he admits to his addictions I can't not have him around my house or kids. - tough I guess.

 

Here's to a better week.. guess I should go buy a Travelling Van and a dog and just explore the country alone with my kids (who are great company!)

[Jibralta]

guess I should go buy a Travelling Van and a dog and just explore the country alone with my kids (who are great company!)

 

That sounds like an excellent idea!