Nightmares and dark fantasies

[Seymore]

Hi all,

 

I have really been having a hard time lately. I left my ex 11 months ago now, and have been NC the entire time, aside from one time she showed up uninvited and contact was unavoidable. She however, still tries to get to me here and there. In the past month and a half, my ex has quit her (extremely) well paying job (also included me in a mass e-mail saying she was quitting) and moved to a new job…at some little place less than a mile from my house. The other week she also tried friending my dad - the one family member of mine who REALLY disliked her - on FB - a move that, along with her banging on my neighbor's door at 11pm 2 months ago, my brother said makes pretty clear she hasn't quit drinking.

 

Well, I took a trip. Met a couple of girls (who wound up being wackos) but felt a little better. Unfortunately, no matter where I go, I have to come back. I have an unbelievably hard time sleeping a solid night - I've had maybe two of those days since the breakup. When I was with my ex I would literally drop off within a few minutes, wrapped around her. Now it takes me at least an hour to sleep, and when I do, it is CONSTANTLY nightmares of either her, her ex husband or her kids, threatening me, begging me to come back or ignoring me completely. Lately it's also been very detailed, gruesome things like watching people die by getting run over constantly or someone shooting themselves in the head. The other night I had three of a mix of the above dreams in a row. I'm talking at least 4 out of 7 nights, I have these dreams.

 

The other issue - which I am EXTREMELY embarrassed about - is while masturbating, I often have trouble finishing unless I imagine my ex with another man or two. She had told me she "swung" once or twice in her marriage and I always had this constant mistrust of her (she was a cheater, proven by the affair she had with me and others) and I'm a pretty jealous person so I doubt I could ever do this in reality, but I often fantasize about bringing her out and having her meet a guy or two and bring them back to her place to watch them go at it. Why does this turn me on? She's GONE. She doesn't even deserve a place in the outskirts of my mind, let alone the deepest parts.

 

I don't know if I'm still punishing myself for taking part in the affair and I think that this is what I would deserve or what - but it's tearing me apart. Months and months this has been going on. I don't know how much longer I can take this.

[Ms Darcy]

Sorry you are still struggling. If you are not in therapy, then I would suggest getting into therapy. A lot of forgiving oneself is about self talk. Cognitive behavior therapy could potentially help y redirect your thoughts consciously so that it starts to happen automatically over time.

[lostandhurt]

It sounds like you are still grieving what transpired and your role in the whole thing.

 

Your mind seems to be punishing you for your part in all of it and it may stem from you not thinking you are good enough to be anything other than what you were when you were with her.

 

I am not a big fan of dreams analysis but the lack of sleep is real and causing you problems. Being alone can be hard for some people and loss of sleep without them there I have found is a form of insecurity.

 

If you are insecure and do not feel in control of your own life this will continue. What have you done these last 11 months to improve how you view yourself?

 

Lost

[gebaird]

It sounds to me like there are some things you aren't facing in your waking life, and they are seeping into your dreams. This woman messed with your heart in a way that has left you haunted, and it's even affecting your sexuality.

 

My advice: face the issues in your waking life. Talk to a friend, a counselor, read Byron Katie's "Loving What Is" and do the work on your ex. See a doctor about your anxiety, as I suspect that may be what's keeping you from falling asleep. Start doing meditation or yoga or regular exercise. Start a new hobby. Give yourself something positive to think about, something to send your conscious and unconscious thoughts in a new direction.

 

The passage of time alone isn't always enough to help you heal after a breakup.

[melancholy123]

Please get some therapy if you aren't already doing so.

[Seymore]

You know, I have those moments too - where I say "I'm in complete control" and nothing really gets to me. I am in therapy and have been since January. I used to go every other week but moved to once a month as I really don't have much to talk about anymore and end up spending half an hour each session talking about the weather or whatever. So I figured I'd save stuff to talk about (and save some money) by going once a month.

 

As far as doing positive things, I've stuck to my plan to pay off my load of credit card debt and I'm on track for February, a couple of months later than my original goal I set in January, but it's still within reach. I quit drinking excessively (habit I picked up while with my ex, became a pretty big problem for a few months after the breakup), quit smoking…I also took the trip I mentioned, alone, for a few days and got some photography in - something I hadn't done in some time. I look on meetup for photography groups and the only ones "in the area" are at least 20 miles away. This Saturday I'm going to force myself to go somewhere and take pictures no matter what. I've gotten the cleaning bug and try to do that to take my mind off things, I'm selling junk I haven't used in years on Craigslist. I was looking into doing martial arts again (used to do it with the ex), but I still have injuries from the few years I did it before and my hip is acting up (at my age...ugh) thanks to that. I don't want to exacerbate it. Meditation is an option, and I need a new book to read so thanks for the suggestion. I also play video games but as my brother has told me, it's just a distraction.

 

I force myself to visit my family twice a week but just can't get happy, which in turn makes my mom more miserable (she's on depression meds as it is), and sometimes I can get along with my dad, while other times I don't even want to speak to him, as many of me and my ex's fights were over him not liking her and her holding it against me (under the guise of "expressing herself"). But I try - I take dad to the movies sometimes, every few weeks I take my parents out to dinner - this past weekend my mom got upset and started crying in the restaurant accusing me of not wanting to visit them anymore (which I never said), just like my brother doesn't…and it's especially times like that where I feel like being with my ex caused me less misery than being without her does. But my therapist said that being with my mom, dad and my best friend are the best things I can do, especially since my mom's half of my family has ditched me for the ex. I also message with my brother daily.

[gebaird]

Based on your post, there's plenty of stuff you could be talking about in therapy ... maybe time for a new therapist?

 

It sounds like you're doing a lot of the right things, you're just still struggling. Keep doing those things and looking for new ways to heal. It may be a long journey.

[Seymore]

I have plenty of stuff to talk about in therapy for this next meeting, yes. I usually don't. The embarrassing stuff I haven't brought up yet - I know I should. For some reason it's a bit easier to unload it anonymously around strangers.

[WithLove]

Sorry you're having these problems, friend. When is your next appointment with your therapist? Perhaps you can look into going bi-weekly, instead of once a month.

[Seymore]

This week. I had put it off an extra 2 weeks because of my trip so it's been a month and a half. Going bi-weekly again would be a waste of money. I write everything down that I want to talk about and once I get there I unload and talk like a squirrel on crack, so in ten minutes I have nothing left to talk about. Then he goes over what I talked about for another 20 minutes or so and it's silence. So I ask him about his life and family and we talk about stuff like music or whatever the remainder of the time. Once I even left early. When I have stuff to talk about it's a Godsend but if I don't I feel it's a waste of money.

[gebaird]

I have plenty of stuff to talk about in therapy for this next meeting, yes. I usually don't. The embarrassing stuff I haven't brought up yet - I know I should. For some reason it's a bit easier to unload it anonymously around strangers.

 

Totally understand. Hope posting here helps you find the courage to bring it up at your next appointment! I think it could lead to a great conversation and some insights that may really help you.

[Seymore]

Thank you. And thanks to everyone for listening. Just getting it out helps a bit.

[journeynow]

Seymore, so sorry to hear what you are going through. I remember after my breakup nights were awful, the insomnia and the dreams. I didn't have nightmares, but they added to my heartbreak and upset me. Before then I had done dream work for years, and dream journaled. After my break up I stopped, and I stopped dreaming or remembering dreams, which helped. (I guess I told the dreams to stop. They didn't help and I didn't want them.) I don't know if that would help with nightmares. At that time I also started listening to audio books, and still do. I listen to ones that put me to sleep (the narrator is more important than the plot) and if I wake up I'll turn it on again. The first 6 months or so I listened to books geared to preteens or teens rather than books written for adults. Younger books had themes of gaining confidence, resolving issues, finding solutions, plus the narrators were soothing. Something like that might help you?

[journeynow]

In addition, I'm a big fan of massage therapy or body work to help with a break up. It helps with the stress, for sure, and to feel grounded and cared for.

[gypsybird87]

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. It sounds miserable. I've had less trauma in general over this latest breakup (more heartache, but less trauma), but after my divorce I was just destroyed. The doctor told me it was okay to take an OTC sleep aid every night, for as long as I needed to, and I did that for a long time. I also found it helped to get a body pillow and sleep curled up around that in lieu of a partner. I have an app on my phone called "relax melodies" that plays rain, crickets, ocean waves, and a ton of other sounds to choose from. I use that even now whenever I have trouble sleeping. Because like you, even if I could fall asleep, I didn't stay asleep, and/or my dreams were horrific. I find the ocean waves to be the most soothing. If you can't find that app there are many others like it.

 

Try yoga. Seriously. I never believed in all the karma/chakra blah-de-blah about yoga. It just sounded so hokey to me. And I still can't say I buy into all that. What I CAN say is that a good yoga class, with a skilled instructor, will lead you to places in your soul you thought were dead and out of reach. I've finished many classes in tears, feeling emotionally raw and cleansed in a way I never get from therapy. It's also great physically and will help a lot with flexibility in areas like your hip.

 

Sexual fantasies.... this is JMO but I think your fantasies are just that: YOURS, and your brain is producing what it wants and needs right now. It's nothing you should feel guilty or ashamed about. Having fantasies that feature your ex is not that unusual. I went through that after my divorce too. I literally could not....er.... complete the job without thinking about him. And he was *horrible* to me, cheated on me, and was borderline sexually abusing me near the end (not caring if he hurt me, forcing me to do things I didn't want to, etc). But that was what my brain needed to process, I guess. Maybe it was a purging. I quit fighting it, went with it.... and before too long it went away.

 

Therapy can be valuable but remember you only get out what you put in. If you don't feel able to talk about some of the deeper issues, then they can't be addressed. If talking about certain things is uncomfortable, type it out, and hand it to your therapist when you walk in. If you'd feel uncomfortable sitting there while he reads it, then email it to him ahead of time. It's his job to help you get this stuff out in the open and dealt with, by whatever means works best for YOU.

 

I think more time- lots of time- with your parents and your brother.... would be one of the best things you could do for yourself right now. It's healing to be with people who love us unconditionally. I hope you feel better soon.

[Seymore]

The first 6 months or so I listened to books geared to preteens or teens rather than books written for adults. Younger books had themes of gaining confidence, resolving issues, finding solutions, plus the narrators were soothing. Something like that might help you?

 

Funny you mentioned that, I just downloaded the audiobook version of the book gebaird recommended. Never listened to an audiobook before as I always read them so maybe the voice will help put me to sleep. Thank you.

 

I think more time- lots of time- with your parents and your brother.... would be one of the best things you could do for yourself right now. It's healing to be with people who love us unconditionally. I hope you feel better soon.

 

Thank you SO much for all you said, especially the third paragraph. I felt like an absolute freak sharing that (and I'm a kinky one so that says something). It's good to know I wasn't alone. Sometimes I think it's my way of doing the bargaining stage, where if I could handle watching her with other men, then I could accept the cheating and it would no longer bother me, so I could handle her then. Or maybe I just feel that would be atonement for being in an affair with her. There were way too many other issues for me to "handle" though - so that should just be out the window. Also, I think that any sexual vision I have of her is most likely because she's the last woman I was with so it feels the most real.

 

I do have to be careful with sleep meds, even OTC, as I tend to sleepwalk if I take them.

 

I'm really trying with spending time with my folks. My brother I can't get to hang out with me - never could - but I'll settle for our texts every day. My dad makes it very difficult to spend time with him due to his racist and sexist nature, and my mom with her doom and gloom attitude just brings me down more. But I'm trying.

[lostandhurt]

It sounds like you are doing a lot of stuff right but hanging onto the past is killing your momentum in healing.

 

Reading your words I see family problems like many people have but as you describe them your ex keeps popping up. Isn't that curious? She is the past but keeps haunting you. This is what you need to discuss with your therapist.

 

Keep up with your hobbies, stay in touch with family, finish off your financial plan for your debt and certainly stay away from smoking and excessive drinking.

 

You have come a long way and actually think and see things differently than you used to so stay on that path and keep challenging yourself.

 

Lost