Giving up on a relationship with parents for good.

[mayoaky]

I just want to add a disclaimer: I understand how hard parents work for their children and I'm appreciative but for the sake of my happiness and stability I feel like I would lead a happier and healthier life with my parents further away.

 

I'm legally an adult and I just started college and I've been doing a lot of thinking about wanting to start over and leading a happier life. I'm 100% financially independent and I have a stable living situation and I'm paying for my own school.

 

I don't have a healthy relationship with neither of my parents. I've tried to make it work by therapy and communication as long as I can remember. We started trying to mend the relationship when they put me in therapy but it's not there. I feel like crap after communication with them and I'm sure they feel the same. I need a close relationship and they can't give me that so I'd rather not have one at all then have something unstable and unhealthy.

 

I felt bad driving myself to school on move in day but I wanna feel good. The only way I can see this is if I distance them further so I won't get hurt when they seem uninterested.

 

The issue is, there wasn't a certain event that put a strain on the relationship that I can remember. When I was seven they had a miscarriage but I've always felt like they've blamed me. I liked the idea of having a sibling but from that point forward, something stopped and it was almost like I had did something to them. This was never discussed in therapy but I know that if I'm right about that being the issue in our relationship, them matching me to something like this I had no control over, the relationship will never be positive.

 

This is tough on me but I have to do it and this will be the first time I'll be "on my own" on holidays and I'm looking for advice on how this can become the new normal. I can't spend anymore time trying to mend something that isn't there. I was a good kid, I never got into any trouble, I had a 3.8 GPA and I got a good academic scholarship. I'm putting myself through school and I'm glad I can do this.

 

I'm seeing how happy I could be instead of wondering. I have a place I can spend holidays and summers at (apartment) and I can build my life with people who want relationships with me, I can find people who can give me what I never had and I'll finally have someone to give this trust and admiration to. I feel guilty but it isn't like my parents are knocking on my door trying to mend the relationship either, I can't live like this anymore.

[mayoaky]

To add: I'm going to school a few states away. I'm picturing that the calls will get less and less until they stop and I'm generally okay with this. I'm unsure if I should tell them I don't want them there or if I should just let it naturally happen. I haven't made contact with them and they haven't made contact with me for about three weeks now.

[mayoaky]

There was no fight or hard feelings both of them had a wedding to go to the day of my move in so my boss from work helped me and drove me up there which was really nice.

[Wiseman2]

Excellent you are doing well and are independent. There is nothing wrong with distancing yourself from any unhealthy/toxic situation as you see fit, no matter who /what it is.

 

If you still go to therapy redirect it from childhood wounds, etc to rebuilding who you are and want to become and achieve in life. Too many people stay unnecessarily stuck in their childhood issues. Or stay too attached to unhealthy families and family dynamics.

I just started college and . I'm 100% financially independent and I have a stable living situation and I'm paying for my own school. I was a good kid, I never got into any trouble, I had a 3.8 GPA and I got a good academic scholarship. I'm putting myself through school and I'm glad I can do this.

[Jibralta]

Are your parents close to each other, but leave you out?

[MissCanuck]

Someone very dear to me had to do the same.

 

His circumstances were different, as his father was emotionally and physically abusive. His mother really did very little to protect him from his dad, and on many occasions even rationalized or defended his dad's behaviour. Sadly, his baby sibling was lost in an accident when my friend was also very young. You can imagine the resulting emotional chaos.

 

Decades later, at nearly 50, he has completely severed ties with his father and he spends very little time with his mother (They are now divorced, but have always had a toxic, on-off relationship. She has continued to act in the interest of her ex-husband at the expense of her own son) When the topic of his dad is raised, or when he interacts with his mother, the emotional strain in him is clearly visible.

 

So he, like you, became financially independent at a young age and elected to preserve his own well-being and essentially end the relationship with his parents. He has a couple of other extended family members he is close to, and a circle of good friends. These people constitute his family now. By all accounts, they show him far more love and respect than his mom and dad ever did. Do what you can to foster new friendships and surround yourself with positive people.

[SkellyWoozle]

One of my best friends has done just this (though she is older than you) and she feels 100% better for it. Just because they're your parents doesn't mean you have to stand by them, like them or even love them if they can't do the right thing by you. You sound like you've got your head screwed on so go for it. I believe my friend called her mother "narcissistic" which I believe she probably is, and nothing she does is EVER right for her mother. She's spent years trying to please her, only to be kicked down at every opportunity.

 

I say go for it. Have a fab life and spend time with people who will love you, care for you, have a positive influence on you and lift your spirits, especially when you're down. Wishing you all the best for your future X

[melancholy123]

Ok, I've been where you are and come out the other side. My dad was a good man, and he died when I was 27. My mother was the shrew, nothing I did was ever right, for as long as I can remember. She is the reason I left home at 18, I used to call her The Warden, as in jail guard, but not to her face or she'd have hit me. So you get the idea. I figured I could live in a cardboard box on the street before I'd go back to her house for any reason as she'd never let me forget I couldn't make it on my own. I never lived in a box and I never went back to her house to live.

 

Only you know what you have been thru with your parents and how they make you feel so if distancing yourself from them is what you need to do, then do it. You get one life and you need to live it as you see fit. I made my way in the world, married a great guy, had two kids who are now grown and on their own. The people in my life are not relatives like cousins, they are friends who are my "family." You can have this too. Dont fret about being alone on holidays as you will make friends at school and develop relationships with them and they will be your family.

[catfeeder]

What is it that your parents say or do that makes you unhappy?

[Capttrae]

Just remember one thing, if you do decide to distance yourself from them, they are still your parents and you only get one set of parents. At least keep some form of contact with them open, there will come a day when you'll wish they were around.

[trojan]

sure do it. Probably the sooner the better. See my thread in this same parenting and families thing here. 'Trojan' thread about losing track of family. I had the same problem. I sort of 'ran away from home' when I was 18. It only got worse later, when they all of a sudden needed me (only to do free work) It was weird because there was a few decades long time period where they didnt need much from me at all. Anyway, sure. You sound independent, and smart, and financially stable. Make your own life. They arent going to help, it doesnt sound like. Make college your life...for as long as you can. dont graduate too early, drag it out a few extra semesters and then grad school. This can be your new family. Its unlikely your old family is going to change much. They will just get older and crankier. Good luck. You are not the first person that ever did this, thats for sure. Make your own decisions from now on.