just totally unmotivated to do dating anymore

[musicman777]

Hello all,

Well it's been a tough summer for myself and my family. My mother has been hospitalized since early July, it's a long story but she had a hernia strangulate her stomach and basically had to get half her stomach cut out and have numerous surgeries done. She almost died three times already. Really flipped my life upside down to say the least.

Even throughout all the darkness, one subject can't be avoided; dating. During my mothers first hospital visit, nearly EVERY visit to her resulted in her telling me about some cute nurse for me. And even in her most recent state, half out of it, feeding and breathing tubes now in her unable to speak, she's pointing at the next cute nurse outside the room more worried about me than herself. She knows what I've been through for many, many years and just wants to see me finally find someone and be happy. Furthermore, her condition, well, it's got me thinking about the subject again. She's getting old and falling apart. Do I ever want to have children that get a chance to know her as well as my dad who is pushing 80 now? Also, I hardly speak to my dad on this subject in particular, and he is even getting on my case now over it, I'm getting into my late 20's now soon and it's just not happening.

 

But... I just can't find it in me to do it anymore. I feel so unmotivated to approach women, and NEGATIVE about the subject. I just can't lose the negativity!!! I can think of 10,000 reasons as to the how and why people can't or won't date me, or they will and something traumatic will happen if they would. They'll lie, cheat, steal, or do something else. Or they are ALL taken. There's always lame excuses, always lame reasons why things don't work out. I feel like I've tried everything. I humored myself to go back on one of my abandoned online dating profiles, looking at some of the girls. I have ZERO motivation to message any of them. I just feel like they won't answer or some crap. I'll have to kiss their ass to go on a single date and then they'll never call or text again.

It's like, I want to find someone, but I just don't wanna "try" or play the dating game anymore and deal with negativity, rejection, excuses, crappy women, online dating. And I've tried the meetup crap, socializing, hanging with neighbors now. I don't meet anyone, and I'm not talking just women, I mean anyone even to make friends with. And the nurses, lol. I did some Googling on that. People say you shouldn't approach nurses, go figure mom. Certain places have "rules" against that, that doesn't surprise me one bit. There's always "rules", written or unwritten, or social rules. I'm sick of the goddamn rules. It's like, why bother even saying something to one of them after reading that? They'll just give me some excuse. I wish she would quit doing that.

 

It's just all kind of depressing. I've been getting this way, even before my mom was sick. My mom didn't like me speaking that way before she was sick, she says she wishes someone would come along and change my mind but I don't see that being very feasible. I don't think there's anyone out there for me. And people, I make friends here from this site I get to know personally. People like my words/advice, but I don't really practice what I preach to others. Who am I to tell people what to do or how to handle dating when I can't do it myself? As far as my romantic life goes, I feel a combination worthless, depressed, angry, and frustrated. NOT about other parts of my life, but with dating I certainly do. I don't feel it's ever going to change, either. I wish I could drive a spike just through that part of my brain and be DONE with it for good. Turn off emotions and desires to be with someone.

I don't know. Sorry to bother you all with my pathetic crap. My mom was the only person I could talk to face-to-face with someone about this stuff, and now she's partly incapacitated. I feel if I didn't have her, no one would really care about me beside my dog. I don't know how it ever got like this.

[SherrySher]

I am sorry you're having such a hard time. You have had a lot to deal with this summer and are still dealing with it.

You're going to have good days and bad days while you're still digesting it all. Try and be gentle with yourself and with life...it won't always stay the same and nothing is ever all bad.

Sending hugs

[Matt3939]

Musicman hang in there man. You are only in your 20s. If you can't deal with the persuit. Just throw profiles up. Who knows somone might hit you up. It happens that way it's alot less work.

[sundayrain]

Hi Musicman.

you may not know this but you have given me some really great advice and i feel very hopeful after what you said to me. so reading this post breaks my heart abit.

 

i am sorry you are going through this. i may not give the best advice but i hope that you will always come back here because there are so many of us who will read your posts and genuinely feel concerned for you.

 

i may not know you personally but from the likes of it, you seem like a really great and caring guy. maybe you've been hurt really badly by a girl before, thus your feeling of negativity towards dating and women. but give yourself a chance. you are still so young. dont give up on love yet.

 

i hope you feel better. and i will keep your mom in my prayers.

[Ms Darcy]

Sorry to hear about your mom. I can relate to that one.

 

If you are not motivated to date, then it's just cannot happen. It is okay not to date.

 

Btw, do you have siblings or nephews?

[lostandhurt]

I haven't dated in 2 1/2 years and I am okay with it. Would I like to meet someone special to have in my life? Absolutely I would and I have considered getting back out there but the difference this time is that I do not NEED to date and I do not NEED someone in my life.

 

Of course my stage of life is way different than yours. I have been married, had a child I cherish, been cheated on, divorced, recovered, dated and now in a really great place in my life. So I do not have that time clock in my head telling me if it doesn't happen soon it may never happen like you do. This may be where we all put to much pressure on ourselves to MAKE it happen instead of letting it happen.

 

Concentrate on your family like you have been. Being a good son like you are is your foundation so stay on that path. Making your life yours, not what you think some woman wants it to be is key. Do the things that make you happy and give you a feeling of fulfillment in your soul. Once you get to a place that is all yours and is what you want then start looking around again. Taking a break to make your life YOUR LIFE is a great way to start to see things differently, more clearer and with a vision that allows you to see what you have is pretty darn great with or without a woman in your life.

 

I too have window shopped online sites and like you didn't find many I was interested in so I told myself why try? I have spent probably a year and a half kind of waiting to just meet someone during my everyday life but it hasn't happened even though I live a very full life and meet a large number of great people all the time. People are so busy these days that in their day to day we all seem to preoccupied to look up so we rely on online dating like it is a chore or something that needs to be done. I myself do not want to date that way.

 

Take a break, focus on your life and do the things you love to do. Once you get your feet back under you then entertain the idea of meeting someone. I see it like throwing a football; the harder you try the shorter the distance it flies but once you relax and just let it flow it flies in a perfect spiral farther than ever...

 

Lost

[greta96]

If you're not feeling it at the moment, it's absolutely ok to stop dating for a while. In fact, I would say it would be beneficial, so you can recharge your batteries and come back with a different outlook when you're ready.

Nobody *has to* date. Nobody should force themselves to date just because. Dating is not a must. If and when it happens, fine, but why force it?

Give yourself a break, take time for yourself and to deal with your family issues, and when you're ready you can revisit the subject of dating.

[limichelle]

They say love happens when you stop putting yourself out there sometimes it works that way. I bet with you taking a break from dating who knows you might end up meeting somebody unexpected.

 

Right now you have a lot on your plate so taking a break is good for you.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your mom

 

Lisa

[musicman777]

Hello,

Thanks for all the replies here. Some of these replies are very nice, I didn't think people cared that much for me on here.

 

Hi Musicman.

you may not know this but you have given me some really great advice and i feel very hopeful after what you said to me. so reading this post breaks my heart abit.

 

i am sorry you are going through this. i may not give the best advice but i hope that you will always come back here because there are so many of us who will read your posts and genuinely feel concerned for you.

 

i may not know you personally but from the likes of it, you seem like a really great and caring guy. maybe you've been hurt really badly by a girl before, thus your feeling of negativity towards dating and women. but give yourself a chance. you are still so young. dont give up on love yet.

 

i hope you feel better. and i will keep your mom in my prayers.

 

Thank you hanizah, one of the nicest comments someones ever made to me on here.

 

Sorry to hear about your mom. I can relate to that one.

 

If you are not motivated to date, then it's just cannot happen. It is okay not to date.

 

Btw, do you have siblings or nephews?

 

Hi Ms. Darcy. I do in fact have other family. My sister, she is 14 years older than me. She is going through it. She goes to the hospital more than me because she works near the hospital, in fact for the hospitals corporate division. The difference is, she has a family/kids, husband, beautiful house, even went away on vacation one week to get away from all of it. I don't have all those things and I can't be with or around them 24/7 for support. It's harder now more than ever now being alone. I'm forced to be alone a lot. And I always had my mom there before this, now I kind of don't.

I should mention, this summer, I got offered a job to move 5,000 miles away to the west coast, and I was seriously considering the job and planning on the move until my mom got sick. Now that's probably never going to happen. I'm stuck here. A city I don't like, and for the most part alone. I have friends, but I don't see them that often due to work and life. My dad is still around but he's an alcoholic.

 

I try to remind myself things aren't THAT bad. I'm not overseas fighting a war, living in a terror-bound nation, I'm not starving, I have good stay-at-home job now, a home, car, etc. But, my life isn't perfect, either. I don't have human contact anymore, if I try to do that (not even just with women), just seems to fail. I don't know, maybe we are becoming an anti-social society anymore. And regarding the whole dating subject. I do want to be with someone again, I had someone years ago that left me. But at the time, I really felt "complete". Not alone, it feels good to love someone and be loved. But that doesn't seem to be a possibility anymore.

Well, to end this thread. My mom is in worse shape again. Back in the ICU, now she developed a blood clot in her lungs and is developing mental problems now. The days just keep getting better and better!!!

[PICCOLLO]

You've got loads on your plate. Cut yourself a break. Sounds like there's a fair bit of female history there. I can relate.

 

Not meeting someone does not necessarily reflect on you as a person. It will happen but it doesnt have to hapoen tomorrow. I totally get what you mean when you say you feel incomplete despite other aspects of your life being good. Its a hard feeling to shake.

 

A lot of dating anxiety stems from the unknown. If you knew you'd meet your future long term partner in a year, you'd probably chill and live your life until then. Unfortunately because they arent here now we freak out.

 

It sounds like your lack of human contact might be contributing to your overall outlook. Humans are social creatures. Could you look at getting a job where you are around ppl?

 

Anyway, hope things improve.

[Ms Darcy]

I hope your mom gets better soon.

 

Believe me, I think trying to date right now would not be good. I doubt either your needs or your potential date's needs would get met.

 

I would hope your parents could lay off a bit. They DO have grandchildren so the family will live on. There's no biological reason to push you at all.

[musicman777]

I hope your mom gets better soon.

 

Believe me, I think trying to date right now would not be good. I doubt either your needs or your potential date's needs would get met.

 

I would hope your parents could lay off a bit. They DO have grandchildren so the family will live on. There's no biological reason to push you at all.

 

Thanks, yes my mother, it just seems to never end. I don't know if she'll ever be normal again I'm afraid. They say she will recover but things have just been so brutal on her, I really don't know. And there are a lot of unknowns with how her health is. One day she's good, next day hits a brick wall. I don't know what to do anymore and it's out of my hands with her being cared for by the hospital.

 

The dating stuff. Well, right now my mothers predicament isn't exactly ruining my life. My family and I agreed, we all have to keep living our lives despite what she is going through. My parents, they are NOT pushing me. There is no obligation for me to give them grand kids. I remember one I made a joke I would "have to" get married some day when I was a teenager in high school and my mom took it all super serious and gave me some talk. She said I NEVER have to get married if that's something I don't want in life. I think it's moreso they know it's something I want and things to find someone.

 

I think the dating stuff goes far beyond my current predicament, I've always kind of been up in the air for several years. I feel really discouraged and unmotivated. Sometimes I feel I don't have a place in a woman's life in romantic aspects. Sometimes I feel no one would ever fall in love with me. I feel that way a lot, actually. Everyone I've ever dated in the past was a lie, why would the future be any different? Sometimes I feel regarding kids, why would someone want to have kids with me? I just feel, I don't know, worthless to women (again in dating aspects, not in friendship or anything). There will always be some other guy better in some way, shape, or form than the option of me.

 

I just feel like it's not a positive thing to think about anymore. One of my friends I met on here in a private conversation recently. I told her even if I did succeed, what if we got married and they cheated on me or something? It's like, I can ever think about is negativity. Sometimes I feel I should see a professional about all this but I heard they're all quacks. Sometimes I think I have depression and I should be medicated for it.

[sundayrain]

hi musicman! it's hanizah here, changed my user to this cause i stupidly used my real name for my screenname. yikes. hope you are doing fine!

 

 

I told her even if I did succeed, what if we got married and they cheated on me or something? It's like, I can ever think about is negativity. Sometimes I feel I should see a professional about all this but I heard they're all quacks. Sometimes I think I have depression and I should be medicated for it.

 

 

it is easy to get sucked into negativity once you start thinking about it. and one such thought will lead to another and another and it probably adds up to this whole thing that you are feeling.

 

how many r/s have you been in? you said all of them was a lie? it can be hard shake that thought off especially if you have been constantly hurt. feels like you have to rebuild yourself each time a rs fail and then set yourself out for more hurt.

 

i am still trying to get over my ex. its been a couple of weeks now and i am already feeling the way you do. also because, he was my first love. but i do tell myself that i wanna try again and that not all is lost. a part of me feels like i have lost a piece of myself and i havent got much left to give. i have slight trust issues which makes it hard for me to open up to someone wo me being skeptical of them. so i guess i somehow feel you.

 

i read your post on 20 facts about you (sorry i din mean to be creepy >.

[Zippy2000]

Hey, musicman.

 

Youre not alone. I m very much like you. Im 42 now and not had a proper relationship in my life. Most of the women I ve ever met. Unless Im choosing the wrong ones. They were liars, cheaters and complete time wasters. Just like your mum. My mum has a bad back and poor mobility. She always worries for me and my future and who will be with me when I am a lot older.

 

The last woman I asked out was a month ago. She was from my work and said seh would like to get to know me. Only for her to say she was leaving on such a date and we could get to know each other then. She then blocked me on the day she left! haha. I mean why play games?

 

I ve asked out serveral women before all that but although I get excited at each prospect. It gets harder as you grow older with the emotional let downs and I must have asked out the whole of my city!

 

Youre right. Its always an excuse or something that gets in the way. I remember asking a woman out in 2014 and she told me she wanted to be friends for now, and she had a lot of problems to do with. Asked her what the problems where and she couldnt tell me. Only, for her to tell me she met someone and was dating him! LOL

 

Im at a point in my life, I know I wont meet anyone. Most of my friends have paired off, and the people in my age group are already in relationships, married have come out of a relationship of have previous baggage they have to deal with.

 

What I dont get is I have a house, a new flashy car. I look after myself, and have no previous baggage or children. I look great on paper but women walk past me without a second look. I know wht and its becuase Im 5 foot 5. My options are limited looking for a girl my height or lower.

 

I do feel sad at times as going back home from work there is no one to come home to or to have anyone to have the weekend to share with. Although I still keep trying and asking. I dont think I ll ever give up. I d rather be on my death bed happily knowing at least i tried than lying there wishing I had done something.