The role of a support forum

[Nakano]

I agree with unscrewed. I recently wrote a post that should have been obvious to anyone of intelligence that I was just relaying my own experience. I didn't think I would need to spell out at the top "no advice please". It should have been obvious by the content of the thread.

 

Some people can get quite passive aggressive (or just plain aggressive) when giving advice. I had past posts of mine thrown back at me! Got told my ex only wants me for sex! (Which I know isn't the case for personal reasons I won't share here!) That was just plain damn nasty.

 

Advice is one thing but when did we lose our compassion as human beings? I think some people should take a deeper look at what they're writing (as someone mentioned above) and think "am I showing compassion in my post or just bitterness from my own bad experience?"

 

The other thing I think is very negative and unnecessary, as unscrewed mentioned, is that when a poster says ok thanks for your advice but I am going to follow this other course of action instead, they get actual insults thrown at them, words like "needy" "codependent" "deluded". Please people come on! Give advice if u feel u should but respect people's right to follow their own path. There is no need to come off as almost angry that the poster seemingly hasn't heeded your pearls of wisdom!

[rich46]

I agree with unscrewed. I recently wrote a post that should have been obvious to anyone of intelligence that I was just relaying my own experience. I didn't think I would need to spell out at the top "no advice please". It should have been obvious by the content of the thread.

 

Some people can get quite passive aggressive (or just plain aggressive) when giving advice. I had past posts of mine thrown back at me! Got told my ex only wants me for sex! (Which I know isn't the case for personal reasons I won't share here!) That was just plain damn nasty.

 

Advice is one thing but when did we lose our compassion as human beings? I think some people should take a deeper look at what they're writing (as someone mentioned above) and think "am I showing compassion in my post or just bitterness from my own bad experience?"

 

The other thing I think is very negative and unnecessary, as unscrewed mentioned, is that when a poster says ok thanks for your advice but I am going to follow this other course of action instead, they get actual insults thrown at them, words like "needy" "codependent" "deluded". Please people come on! Give advice if u feel u should but respect people's right to follow their own path. There is no need to come off as almost angry that the poster seemingly hasn't heeded your pearls of wisdom!

Just read that thread and if anyone was "nasty," it was you. Post deleted by the mods on the first page? Warning given? And this slight against every single person on here who dedicates their time to helping people:

 

Honestly, when I look at it, the people who have posted most fervently on this post have posts on ENA numbering in the thousands. A forum Iike this should only ever be a short term thing. I mean no offence but you maybe need to take a look at your own lives if this forum has become your main focus. It might he healthy to take a break.

 

"I think some people should take a deeper look at what they're writing" - indeed....

[Nakano]

i'm sorry but I genuinely don't think it is healthy to spend so much time on a forum like this. There is no way that people can read (and post on) thread upon thread from heartbroken people, sometimes at their lowest ebb. Without it skewing their perspective. For example psychologists have "supervison" with their manager to discuss their cases, they have often have discussions with colleagues. There are some deep human emotions on here and one person sitting on their computer at home writing post after post is always to a degree taking on board what they've read. I may have phrased it badly but it genuinely isn't healthy, not that the level of nearly 10,000 posts.

[faraday]

i'm sorry but I genuinely don't think it is healthy to spend so much time on a forum like this. There is no way that people can read (and post on) thread upon thread from heartbroken people, sometimes at their lowest ebb. Without it skewing their perspective. For example psychologists have "supervison" with their manager to discuss their cases, they have often have discussions with colleagues. There are some deep human emotions on here and one person sitting on their computer at home writing post after post is always to a degree taking on board what they've read. I may have phrased it badly but it genuinely isn't healthy, not that the level of nearly 10,000 posts.

 

People have journals on here and post random threads about things they find interesting (that aren't about heartbreak and sadness). It's a community. There are people on here I consider to be friends...they're on my fb, we know about each other's lives- we share encouragement during difficult times and rejoice in each other's triumphs.

 

Generally, the longer you've been here, the less you post out on the main advice boards.

[Nakano]

I don't want to hijack unscreweds thread and the last 3 posts are irrelevant to what he said so I am going to bow out at this stage.

[Ms Darcy]

Just read that thread and if anyone was "nasty," it was you. Post deleted by the mods on the first page? Warning given? And this slight against every single person on here who dedicates their time to helping people.

 

This is exactly what I was going to say. It seems like Nakano doesn't see the hypocrisy here. Nakano was nasty (both in that thread and this one) and yet chides others for losing compassion?

 

I have to say, the only folks I have found "uncompassionate" are the ones who have complained about not feeling supported. Everyone else around here is pretty cool. Coincidence?

[Seraphim]

I usually don't say too much in break up threads because I have no experience there.

 

However these threads that pretty much say we are all crap really make me rethink the decade I have poured into helping people. Eh, shrug I know life always comes with a kick in the teeth.

[boltnrun]

Certain types of posts will always get strong words from me.

 

For example, threads started by someone who's already been told by their ex to stop contacting them, and their plan is to contact the ex ONE MORE TIME to "apologize". Or who insist that they MUST send back the t-shirt or (one of my favorites) the ONE sock their ex left at their place. No, contacting your ex again after they've asked you to stop is NEVER a good idea. Take it from someone who's ex refused to let go...it's not cute and it's not seen as loving. It's annoying at the least and frightening at the most.

 

Or those with children who admit to being in abusive relationships and who won't end it because they "love" their abuser, or because they're "afraid to be alone". Nope, children MUST come first, before our desires for sex or companionship.

 

And the other one that always gets me...those who have mistreated or ignored or taken someone for granted, that person gets fed up and leaves them, then they suddenly have an epiphany that they really DO love the person they've treated badly for so long, and ask for ways to show they've "changed" so they can get the person they've mistreated back! SMH

 

I refuse to sugar coat because I don't think telling anyone "there, there" is productive. But I get that some people want a virtual hug. That's fine with me, but I won't lie to someone and say "everything will be FINE!" when it obviously won't. And I won't coddle people who mistreat others. I WILL tell people that being kind to yourself is crucial because, if we don't take care of and love ourselves, how can we expect others to?

[Ms Darcy]

^ Adding to Bolt's point, I'm similarly passionate about the threads where the OP has cheated and/or is cheating on his/her partner. Yet they feel really sorry for themselves because either the mistress or the wife (or mister or husband) is unhappy about the situation.

[Hermes]

I agree, Bolt.

 

I notice, however, that in the main the people who come to Enotalone with what are often heart-rending and sometimes downright scary problems are glad of the supportive advice they get here. Plain, straight advice, given from the heart.

 

Enotalone is unique in its structure and approach IMO.

 

As in real life there will also be a couple of naysayers, and their rantings need to be taken with a grain of salt.