Accused of cheating (and worse) yet again; wife ends up in hospital

[Anton026]

Quick update: wife went to have her blood drawn last night to have the thyroid levels checked, in preparation for our meeting today with the GP. Nervous as hell about what's going to come out of this. I'm thinking I need to keep it strictly medical, talk about the levels, the chemicals, how it might be affecting brain function and perception. Hopefully I can get a referral for a psychiatrist and get her to go for an evaluation.

 

My therapist from the other morning, who suggested locking down my work computers, also suggested I meet with a CSAT accredited therapist who is not so completely focused on 'sex addiction is always the issue' and see what she has to say about the situation. My wife is meeting with her therapist two more times this week, but someone who is completely ignoring the substance abuse of a situation, I don't see as having her patients welfare truly at heart.

[Anton026]

In response to the above from Sherry and VanishingGirl, even outside of this awful situation, it's obvious that my self-worth issues have gradually reverted back to previous form, with some other problems that I am going to need to address for my own well-being. I think that, coupled with the dynamic that in situations like this, we are usually too close to things to truly see them for what they are. And I think I've felt that since I have been the only person in our life that I've heard concerns from, that the issue may lie with me; some hang-up I just need to get over. And of course my love and remembrance of the person she used to be has colored my view as well.

 

I thought that when we were working on these problems, the drinking, the trust issues, the false accusations, the substance abuse, with our counselor, she always seemed to 'get it' at some point, seem genuinely remorseful, and it would look like she was making progress. But we all know what happens next: whether it be a day, a week, or a month later, and the 'plan' would have fallen by the wayside, and any mention of 'are you going to yoga tonight' or 'when's your next AA meeting'? would end in a massive fight.

 

Sherry, I hope you're right when you say that she knows there is something wrong with her, and not just trying to transfer the issue to an imagined sex addiction. If she DOES know, I can see her being able to get help. If not, I don't see a good end for her or the people she's close with.

 

She does have a large family, most of them still back in Ireland, with one brother in Chicago, and a cousin in Whistler BC. I've thought about contacting someone (the brother or the cousin probably) but I'm cautious about crossing that line at this stage. And I have no way of knowing what she'd said to them at this point either. Her father had/has a pretty bad drinking problem, and my wife has told me stories of him doing exactly what she is doing now. He took her into the kitchen one night when she was in her teens and accused her of having sex, being a , etc. She was very proud to have stood up to him, as a lot of the brothers weren't able to, and got the backside (or closed part) of his hand. The mother was apparently the type to sweep things under the carpet, and just keep the kids as far away from him as possible when he'd been drinking. I'm not telling tales or trying to make anyone look bad, just relaying the stories my wife told me.

 

I can't envision any family member truly believing that this is going on, or that she is at fault. She is beloved by her family, with nieces and nephews included. I'm the outsider, laying accusations of mental health or substance abuse problems at their daughter/sister/aunt/cousin. I'd be very interested to know if anyone in a similar situation ever got the S.O.'s family involved, at what point, and how successful it was.

 

Really missing my mother at this time. She and my wife had a fantastic relationship, but my mother had a lot of experience dealing with this type of thing, and I think if anyone could have gotten through to my wife, it would have been her.

[Wiseman2]

I could not agree with this more. Absolutely.

Here's the bottom-line: This is a medical issue, a mental health crisis. Talk therapy will not be helpful on it's own, and indeed counter-productive with the wrong counselor (as you are seeing!). She needs medical intervention, and she needs it ASAP.

[Anton026]

 

Check out the for SZA as well as the Mayo clinic link above. There is a specific section with information about cannabis use and how it contributes to this disorder, as well as information about the link with thyroid conditions.

 

Thank you so much for this. Great to have for our GP this afternoon.

[Quasi]

Sherry, I hope you're right when you say that she knows there is something wrong with her, and not just trying to transfer the issue to an imagined sex addiction. If she DOES know, I can see her being able to get help. If not, I don't see a good end for her or the people she's close with.

 

She does have a large family, most of them still back in Ireland, with one brother in Chicago, and a cousin in Whistler BC. I've thought about contacting someone (the brother or the cousin probably) but I'm cautious about crossing that line at this stage. And I have no way of knowing what she'd said to them at this point either. [...]

 

I can't envision any family member truly believing that this is going on, or that she is at fault. She is beloved by her family, with nieces and nephews included. I'm the outsider, laying accusations of mental health or substance abuse problems at their daughter/sister/aunt/cousin. I'd be very interested to know if anyone in a similar situation ever got the S.O.'s family involved, at what point, and how successful it was.

 

Unfortunately, she probably does not know or believe that something is wrong with her at this point. That very denial is often a feature of certain types of mental health disorders. And that's a huge part of why they are difficult to treat! My ex-wife didn't truly believe it until confronted with the extremity of her actions after the fact and when she was on therapeutic medication. With a clear mind, it was obvious to her, but not at all in the throes of the disorder. That is why it is critical that you get a medical professional in the loop on this. It may get to the point where choices have to be taken out of her hands, due to the risk to her own well-being, and only a proper medical professional can make that call.

 

Her brother actually ended up being my biggest ally through a lot of this. He loves her, but can see her without the rose-tinted glasses that her parents had. Later on, they understood the situation better and were much more supportive of me, but initially they were on 'her side'. He was also helpful because he has dealt quite a bit with serious medical issues with his wife's father. Not mental health issues, which carry a lot of additional baggage, but he was still very well versed in all the procedural stuff that was going on. You have to be the judge, but it might be the case that her brother would be able to help you. You just need to be sure you present your concerns in as neutral a fashion as possible, and make it clear that you have her best-interests at heart too.

[fabact]

I'd be concerned about your boys growing up in that environment - or put them in therapy asap so they don't end up gravitating towards women like their mothers later in life. I'm sorry to say your wife has either some mental issues or the marijuana is causing extreme paranoia-or perhaps a bit of both. I tried marijuana three times and got so paranoid each time I had to stop. And I just took a few puffs.

[Matt3939]

Quasi has some great points. Unfortunately it's a been there done that. It's good to know there are others who have gone thru this. It's good to look at it scientific at this time as you stated

[dto811]

I have a couple things to add in which may or may not help.... Hopefully I am not over simplifying something that is much more complicated/serious...

 

I have been reading a book - No More Mister Nice Guy. I, like you, was with a girl that started getting delusional when it came to me and other women. I was like you and tried to prove that I wasn't doing anything wrong. I had evidence to back up my stories but she would not hear it. It turned out she was hiding her own little secrets but I won't go into that.. Outside of medical (if necessary) intervention, I would suggest you take the following steps to better your situation:

 

1) Do not disengage with your friends. They are your support system, so make sure you spend time with them. If you have already disengaged, try to reconnect. If she gives you a hard time, to hell with her. You can't let yourself become a hostage to this person.

 

2) Pay less attention to her accusations. You may be fueling her delusional fire by talking about the subject further. Tell her you are not doing anything wrong and you are not going to discuss the subject any further.

 

3) Set boundaries. Tell her that you are not going to deal with her accusations. You don't have to be a hard ass about it but tell her that you love her and you want her in your life, but you are not going to stick around if things do not change. Tell her you will be glad to work through things by her side but you are not going to be the only one trying to change things. Set your boundaries and make them crystal clear. If anything ever were to happen at least you told her straight up where you stand.

 

I don't think you are a doormat per say, but she is definitely pushing you and you are reeling. Stand your ground in a non aggressive manner. I have been in similar situations and I know how it feels to be accused of doing things, when you have done nothing wrong. I wish I would have handled these things differently myself.

 

It may not work, but at worst, you will have stood your ground and be able to walk away knowing you tried everything you could.

[ThatwasThen]

I'm coming in late here but I have read quite a bit so far before I was compelled to give you one more POSSIBLE explanation as to her mental state:

My brother was a heavy drinker/weed user and he suddenly went paranoid and started accusing his live in partner of cheating on him. (She was glued to his hip so that was virtually impossible). Sadly it was finally discovered that he had a brain tumour (after complaining of a head ache that lasted for days and finally went to the doctor). He lived about three months from diagnosis.

 

Get her to your family doctor and DO document everything for your lawyer.

[youareworthy]

This thread has given me much food for thought.

 

 

I'm coming in late here but I have read quite a bit so far before I was compelled to give you one more POSSIBLE explanation as to her mental state:

 

My brother was a heavy drinker/weed user and he suddenly went paranoid and started accusing his live-in partner of cheating on him. (She was glued to his hip so that was virtually impossible). Sadly it was finally discovered that he had a brain tumour (after complaining of a head ache that lasted for days and finally went to the doctor). He lived about three months from diagnosis.

 

Get her to your family doctor and DO document everything for your lawyer.

Oh no, poor ThatwasThen!

 

What a sad, sad story about your brother. I am so sorry you all went through that. Thank you for sharing this anecdote with us, because it may prove very useful information for Anton and others.

 

Youareworthy

Dear Anton,

I am going to give you the general answer to the "How do I take the boys with me?" question.

blah blah blah...

I will write again later. I am exhausted; am trying to hold off a foreclosure. I will keep praying for you, your sons and your wife.

Hang in there!

Youareworthy

Thanks so much; that is getting printed out and put in my wallet. You hit it on the nose: I want to make sure I avoid a hasty and false step.

yada yada yada...

YouAreWorthy, best of luck on the foreclosure. I'll send a prayer your way as well. Wish I had advice as concise as yours to give back to you.

Anton,

 

Your prayer is being answered for my foreclosure situation!

 

You know how you wished you had as concise advice to give to me about foreclosure as I gave you on the question of taking your kids if you leave?

 

Well, Mary, my closest church friend, asked our pastor if the church would take a collection this coming weekend to help me with the mortgage's arrearage. He said yes (yay!) so Mary wrote an email to the entire parish community (1000 people or so) announcing the upcoming collection and describing my situation. Right away, a parishioner I've never met emailed the pastor offering his expertise, and guess where he works? The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, the US government agency that, among other things, monitors how mortgage lenders treat borrowers. He spent half an hour on the phone with me today teaching me loads of things. We mapped out a completely workable plan for reversing the foreclosure process, for finding the funding, and for restructuring my financial situation so that I will not be subjected to foreclosure in the future. Five minutes after the call ended, I had an email from him with three superb things to do right now that will mitigate this crisis.

 

Yay!!!! Now I have advice as concise about foreclosure, just as you wished you could give back to me. I feel so empowered, and not afraid!

 

Just thought you should know that the prayer you sent my way worked.

 

Youareworthy

[RainyCoast]

^^ *gasp* that is incredible and WONDERFUL and i'm so so so SO happy for you that you'll have this off your back!!

 

it's amazing the things that can happen if you see the right person. i had a social worker that fell from the sky when i needed one, and then months ago when i started working in the field my reaction to every other genious solution suggested by our staff to clients presenting with seemingly unresolvable issues was "really? you can do that? how come nobody tells you that?!".

 

see people Anton and don't stop untill you've crossed everyone off your list, and when you've done that, religious or not, you can always ask churchgoers for ideas. youareworthy just reminded me of my best friend (i have a 62 year old bestie. i think that is so bada$$ i just couldn't help sharing). she's very active at the local church and lemme tell ya these ladies know people who know people who know people who usually also happen to be compassionate and charitable and more than happy to help whatever their profession. i got recommendations on everything from where to get great second hand furniture for clients, to an excellent and oddly affordable atty i needed, plus she hooked me up for extra work. it also sounds like bad times you're going through have put your social circle through a sieve, and as much as hardship costs you friendships, it can get you brand new better ones too.

 

sorry for rambling, i chose to see a cue in the post above, because it's such an encouraging thing to read, i'm just feeling overflowed. y.a.w. must be feeling at the top of the world.

 

keep us updated, thinking of you.

[youareworthy]

I am feeling at the top of the world!

 

Mind you, there is a TON of work to be done still, but I am very excited to see a bright dawn at the end of a very long, dark, and scary tunnel!

 

Thank you for rejoicing with me, Rainy Coast!

 

Youareworthy

[SherrySher]

Still thinking of you Anton and hoping for a resolution and peace for you and your sons.

[Anton026]

First and foremost, thank you SherrySher for the well wishes, and YouAreWorthy, congratulations on the progress! And sincere apologies for leaving this thread for so long.

 

I had hoped that all of this was behind me. As of my last post, I was able to, with the help of my father who lives in South Africa, get my wife to sit down and listen to at least a small bit of reason. From there, we were able to go together to her therapist, and started making serious progress. I decided to start seeing a therapist myself to help deal with what happened, and have an independent sounding board to help me keep a realistic view on things. My physician also prescribed me anti-depressants, saying that it seemed like I was suffering from a bit of PTSD. I was full on into making this work, and felt things were moving in a positive direction.

 

None of what happens next will be a shock to anyone; in retrospect I probably expected it as well. While the pot abuse seems to be a non-issue (only from not finding massive stashes around the house), certain red flags started to be raised during 2017. Insinuations and accusations, subtle and passive aggressive at first, in line with the previous behaviour. I awoke one morning to find my wife going through my phone by my bedside. Not knowing that I was awake, I just laid there and watched to see how long she felt it necessary to page through emails and texts. With the help of my therapist, I was able to calmly, yet firmly, broach the subject with her, which went over like throwing matches at a gunpowder keg (cue Bugs Bunny cartoon).

 

I'll pass on all the details of the next few months, but she was only seeing her therapist about once every 6 weeks, and rarely without coaxing. It got to a point where I said that if we were going to continue, she needed to see her therapist AT LEAST once every two weeks, if not every week. And this was non-negotiable. After an incident involving our oldest son and her behaviour at his first concert, she agreed. But of course 'forgot' when the appointment day rolled around.

 

Admittedly I lost my temper at this point and let my emotions get the better of me. This is something I've been working very hard on for my own growth, as well as not wanting to distract from what the actual issues are at hand, but I've had a slip or two, and my voice has dove into the shouting range. I don't feel as if she actually thinks there is anything wrong with the way she treats me, or our marriage, and the true problem is how I react to her bad actions. So I'm doing my best to take that out of the equation.

 

Long story short (albeit too late): we are back to square one, with alcohol substituting the pot. Beer is hidden around the house, and while it is only 2 or 3, she is drinking every day. Our oldest son is finding beer cans under the bed, below the nightstand, in the console of her car, under the sink. I think she doesn't see it as a problem, since she is not getting falling down drunk every night (only certain nights). The accusations are back, and she is using anything she can throw at me. She complains that I am not affectionate enough with her, to which I informed her that it is difficult to be attracted to someone who behaves this way. I set up a fantastic Christmas holiday for our family, her brother, and another family this year, and made a concentrated effort to not only be more affectionate (regardless of her treatment) but be aware of the other couples we were with who were together about the same length as us. i know it's not apples to apples, but even on the conservative side, I'm much more affectionate that anyone we were with (fantastic couples all), and this complaint seems to be her saying that she needs a certain amount of attention to feel value in herself, and I can't be responsible for that.

 

The trigger for this new post is that she recently closed down her day care, and is now working part time (20 hrs/week) at the local elementary school. The finances are now 95% on my, and working for myself, the income goes up and down month-to-month. I went to our bank to get a business line of credit to cover operating expenses, and this started a conversation where my wife is again asking for a debit card tied to the corporation's checking account. This is somethings she's asked for before, and I've never been comfortable with it, as it's one more thing I need to keep track of. And with her current state of mind, and the threats, I'm in no way positive that she wouldn't get angry at some imagined affair, and drain the company of it's cash.

 

When I told her no, I cited what my accountant told me about 10 years ago, that if she wanted access to the funds, they could make her an employee on paper, but we would need to pay things like taxes and social security, in addition to other reasons. When I told her no yesterday for the same reasons, she left the room and went upstairs, and I didn't think too much of it. Until she comes into my office with my accountant on the phone. She had called her and asked if she could get a debit card for the business without having to pay out taxes or anything, to which my accountant said, "well, yes", and my wife handed me the phone.

 

I felt this was a very selfish, disrespectful, and ugly move for her to make. Again, I couldn't keep my cool, and raised my voice, letter her know that if she thought I would give her unfettered access to the sole means of support for our family, and a company that I built with my own hands, she was crazy. She took this as proof I was hiding something.

 

Today, before she left for work, she came into my office with a 3 or so page letter in her hands, stating she had something she wanted to say, and I was going to listen. I gently said 'sorry, not right now. I have work to do, and I'm not in the mindspace for this right now. If you want to schedule a couples session with your therapist, or see a separate couples therapist, let's do that. But I'm not engaging in this again."

 

Her response was that she's not wasting any more money on therapists, and that I have 1 year to get my together, or we can just separate. Not entirely sure what 'getting my together' entails, but I'm having a hard time caring at this point. I feel completely taken advantage of, having supported her in her career change, and taken on the financial responsibilities for a family of 4, and still having to deal with this. I want my wife back, but I'm concerned that if she doesn't get some serious help, she's gone for good. Mentally I can handle that, but the though of my sons having to deal with it terrifies me. But we can't continue like this.

 

Apologies for the long post and the long absence, but having gone through this before, I was able to find a lot of solace and objective opinions here in this group. I'm not looking for anyone to tell me I'm right. I'd almost rather someone say, "sorry, you !@#$ed up here. Do this to fix it". But I'm at a loss, and I can't force her to get the help she needs....

[ThatwasThen]

If you haven't secured that lawyer yet I suggest you get yourself to a good divorce attorney so he/she can get you started on sole custody and a fair split of marital assets. She's going to take you to the cleaners since she only works two days a week and you're basically her sole means of support. We are talking half the marital assets (that may very well include you business) and alimony to boot since she's not working full time.

[Anton026]

Very sorry to hear about your brother as well. Yes, it seems that lawyers might be unavoidable. I'd rather leave them out of it, but as you said, I'm afraid that fairness may not figure into her state of mind...

[chrissyh23]

Hi all. This is my first time posting to a forum like this, but probably long overdue. It's a bit on the long side, but the details are pretty relevant; I'd appreciate anyone who might have some advice.

 

My wife and I have been married for 12 years, and have two wonderful sons, 6 & 8. Recently, my wife started accusing me of cheating on her, and that's just the tip of the iceberg as far as her accusations. She told me I'm a sex addict (in front of our 8 year old son), and insists that I'm hiring prostitutes, going to strip clubs, and conducting a 'double life'.

 

Whenever I try to talk to her about it, or get specifics about what is causing all of this, she says that unless I'm confessing to 'what she KNOWS has been going on for years', then she can't talk to me. It's been pulling teeth to get any details about what she thinks is going on. There has been reference to hiding money (she has taken the keys to the mailbox to regulate my paychecks), having sex with hookers, frequenting strip clubs when I say I'm at a client meeting, and more.

 

We've been down this road before, and have been seeing a couples therapist for a couple of years now. Until now, the issue has always resolved with her promising to be more trusting, and not let her paranoia get the better of her. But things have turned. She had some type of confrontation on the phone with our therapist, and I can't get him to return our calls. She says it's because he gave our appointment time to someone else, but I had scheduled the appt with him three weeks prior, not her.

 

She went through about 10 days of being very cold and distant with me last month. Knowing that she was feeling insecure, I did my best to reassure her, comfort her, and get through things. I had a bruise on my lower thigh from scraping myself with a rusty nail doing some work on our deck. She convinced herself that it was a hickey. I found this laughable, but still tried to reassure her without making things into a heated and serious conversation about how ridiculous that was.

 

We both work from home, and spend about 23 hours a day together, so we can't get much closer than we are. But now, even trips to the grocery store have become toxic. I was headed out to get some ice and popsicles for our boys, and she chases me down in the driveway, shouting 'Go ahead, go feed your addiction!' I had taken my son and some of his friends to the Seahawks training camp for about 4 hours one day, and she is convinced that the money I took out of the ATM to spend on them had some horrible, alternate purpose.

 

What is making matters worse, is after the 10 day spell of suspicion, I was packing up my sons and a couple of their friends to spend 3 days at our cabin before the Summer starts winding down. I'm looking in our closet for socks, and I find in her sock drawer about 15 spent marijuana vapor cartridges. For those that aren't familiar, one cartridge has about 40-80 does on average. And these weren't there about 3 months ago. As I said, we both work from home (she runs a daycare from the house, and I am a graphic designer), and we rarely, if ever, go out socially without each other. So this would mean that she's been smoking ALOT, and around our children, because she is the first to fall asleep in the evenings, usually at 8:00 or so. I can only assume that the pot is making her more paranoid.

 

I got angry with her, but stayed very calm. I told her that I wasn't going to put up with the accusations if, instead of working on her suspicion and insecurity, she was actively doing things to make it worse. I have no problem with marijuana, but I do have a problem with using it irresponsibly. She said 'yes, you're right. I'm done with it.' The following week was when I was at the cabin with the boys, and while I was gone, she went to the movies with a couple of our friends. One of her friends is a big smoker, and apparently they came back to the house and got so high the friend couldn't drive home, and her husband had to come and get her. That same evening, my wife told her friends (the wives of two of my best friends) whatever stories she believes about what I'm doing on the rare occasion I leave the house. Later that night, my wife was apparently so upset (or high) that she had to call the neighbor to come and sit with her, thinking that she was having a heart attack. When I came back with our sons, the s**t hit the fan, and the very ugly, nasty accusations started, worse than ever.

 

On Friday, to get out of the toxic environment, I had drinks with some friends I hadn't seen in a long while to celebrate one of their birthdays. The next day, I'm presented with "I know you were at a strip club all night", again in front of our oldest son. Thankfully I have my receipts and Uber times/routes, so I can actually prove where I was. But she's not hearing it.

 

To top it off, I tried contacting my friends (whose wives were over that night) via email, since I assume their wives had passed along the adulterous slurs. None of them will speak with me now. Two nights ago, my wife comes downstairs, in front of our sons, and says 'you need to take me to the hospital, I'm having a heart attack'. The boys immediately start to cry and shake, as my wife sits on the couch. I get the boys ready to go, and try to collect my wife, but she says 'I'm fine, it's just a panic attack'. Not taking no for an answer, I insist we go to the local clinic to get her checked out. She was VERY insistent that I not even go in the building with her, let alone to see the doctor.

 

To try and make a long story not so long, I'm at a total loss. I've lost my closest friends, my wife is accusing me of not just cheating, but hiring prostitutes and going to strip clubs, and my children are being terrified as mom is driven to the hospital. She's run background checks on me, taken the mail key and hidden it, and bought a gps tracker for my car. We have an appointment with a new counselor that she went to see while I was out of town, but from what she tells me, she's just giving the same story to the new doctor as she has our friends, so she's already laid the groundwork there.

 

I hear a lot about how when people accuse someone of cheating, it might be to cover their own infidelities, but I can't really see her doing that. But with the way things have changed, I'm not so sure anymore. I'm at the point where I'm not even sure this relationship is worth TRYING to save, and if it wasn't for my sons, I would have walked long ago. I would love to have my old wife back, even if we still have insecurities and trust to work on, but I don't know if she even exists anymore. She berates me verbally every hour or so, and I'm not allowed to speak.

 

As I type this, I guess I might be answering my own question, but I would greatly appreciate any advice anyone might have, whether they've been in a similar situation or not. Thanks so much!

Your wife needs to see a counselor on her own. She odvuiously has some real paranoia and anxiety issues she needs help with. It seems like a really hard situation to be in. But you also have to keep your own mental health a priority. And you also need to make sure you do whats right for your boys. They do not need to be a witness to any if this. Its not fair to them. Some decisions are hard to make but neccessary in every way. See if she will get the help she needs. If not do what you need to do for yourself and your boys.

[Wiseman2]

chrissyh23, this thread is almost 2 years old: 08-16-2016

[Anton026]

Thank you Chrissy. As things have moved forward from 2016, she was able to recognize (or at least said she did) that these issues were in her head, and not in the real world. As of January of this year, we are not only back in the crazy thick of things, but the children are starting to bear the brunt of these delusions.

 

Unfortunately, Wiseman, the problems are back in full force (see recent posts). I was hoping to elevate this thread and get some input from others again, as it was so beneficial back in 2016, for staying objective about things, and getting opinions from others who had suffered through the same situations.

 

The issue I'm in right now, is I and some others, believe this is a mental illness. But being the target of the aggression, any recommendations or plans of action I suggest are seen by her as conspiracy and treacherous. I have reached out to her personal therapist with my concerns, but keep getting the 'communication is important' line. While I agree, it is very difficult to communicate with someone who is in a delusional state.

 

She has filed for divorce, citing not just infidelity as the reason, but heroin and opiate addiction, hiring of prostitutes and strippers, sex parties, pornography addiction, and a secret family, just to name the top few. It is clear to me that she needs professional help beyond a personal therapist working on her communication issues, but I don't believe you can make someone get help who doesn't want it.

 

The worst part is that her relationship with our sons is in shambles. Our oldest, 10, refuses to speak with her, and has told me he doesn't feel safe around her. On an almost daily basis, she interrogates the children as to who is telling them horrible things about her, as that can be the only reason they would be pushing her away. She is completely convinced that I am bad mouthing her to them, and as she put it, 'running a mind-' on them.

 

Our oldest is now in therapy dealing with her previous actions while drunk, and now with her resurfaced delusions. I've pleaded with his therapist to write something to the court, or even just me personally, sharing what he is going through. Unfortunately, his legal advisors have told him that he should only get involved once it is in court. The downside to this is, in the next couple of weeks, a judge is going to rule on what the living situation should be for the boys between now and the court appearance. Realistically, this will probably mean a 50/50 split, and now my children are being left alone with someone I feel is truly mentally ill.

 

I know this thread is quite old by internet standards, but if there is anyone out there who can offer ANY practical advice as to HOW to help keep the children out of harms way (I'm pretty clear on what NEEDS to be done), I would greatly appreciate it. It seems that the system is set up only to intercede once something atrocious has happened...

[chrissyh23]

Thank you Chrissy. As things have moved forward from 2016, she was able to recognize (or at least said she did) that these issues were in her head, and not in the real world. As of January of this year, we are not only back in the crazy thick of things, but the children are starting to bear the brunt of these delusions.

 

Unfortunately, Wiseman, the problems are back in full force (see recent posts). I was hoping to elevate this thread and get some input from others again, as it was so beneficial back in 2016, for staying objective about things, and getting opinions from others who had suffered through the same situations.

 

The issue I'm in right now, is I and some others, believe this is a mental illness. But being the target of the aggression, any recommendations or plans of action I suggest are seen by her as conspiracy and treacherous. I have reached out to her personal therapist with my concerns, but keep getting the 'communication is important' line. While I agree, it is very difficult to communicate with someone who is in a delusional state.

 

She has filed for divorce, citing not just infidelity as the reason, but heroin and opiate addiction, hiring of prostitutes and strippers, sex parties, pornography addiction, and a secret family, just to name the top few. It is clear to me that she needs professional help beyond a personal therapist working on her communication issues, but I don't believe you can make someone get help who doesn't want it.

 

The worst part is that her relationship with our sons is in shambles. Our oldest, 10, refuses to speak with her, and has told me he doesn't feel safe around her. On an almost daily basis, she interrogates the children as to who is telling them horrible things about her, as that can be the only reason they would be pushing her away. She is completely convinced that I am bad mouthing her to them, and as she put it, 'running a mind-' on them.

 

Our oldest is now in therapy dealing with her previous actions while drunk, and now with her resurfaced delusions. I've pleaded with his therapist to write something to the court, or even just me personally, sharing what he is going through. Unfortunately, his legal advisors have told him that he should only get involved once it is in court. The downside to this is, in the next couple of weeks, a judge is going to rule on what the living situation should be for the boys between now and the court appearance. Realistically, this will probably mean a 50/50 split, and now my children are being left alone with someone I feel is truly mentally ill.

 

I know this thread is quite old by internet standards, but if there is anyone out there who can offer ANY practical advice as to HOW to help keep the children out of harms way (I'm pretty clear on what NEEDS to be done), I would greatly appreciate it. It seems that the system is set up only to intercede once something atrocious has happened...

You need to get as many witnesses as you can. If you have to have your sons therapist testify then do it. Have anyone that has seen her in her delusional state testify. Its nit going to be pretty but its for your boys sake. She needs to hit a wall and finally see she is not good for anyone right now including herself and the children.

Good luck and keep us posted.

[Anton026]

Thank you Chrissy. As things have moved forward from 2016, she was able to recognize (or at least said she did) that these issues were in her head, and not in the real world. As of January of this year, we are not only back in the crazy thick of things, but the children are starting to bear the brunt of these delusions.

 

Unfortunately, Wiseman, the problems are back in full force (see recent posts). I was hoping to elevate this thread and get some input from others again, as it was so beneficial back in 2016, for staying objective about things, and getting opinions from others who had suffered through the same situations.

 

The issue I'm in right now, is I and some others, believe this is a mental illness. But being the target of the aggression, any recommendations or plans of action I suggest are seen by her as conspiracy and treacherous. I have reached out to her personal therapist with my concerns, but keep getting the 'communication is important' line. While I agree, it is very difficult to communicate with someone who is in a delusional state.

 

She has filed for divorce, citing not just infidelity as the reason, but heroin and opiate addiction, hiring of prostitutes and strippers, sex parties, pornography addiction, and a secret family, just to name the top few. It is clear to me that she needs professional help beyond a personal therapist working on her communication issues, but I don't believe you can make someone get help who doesn't want it.

 

The worst part is that her relationship with our sons is in shambles. Our oldest, 10, refuses to speak with her, and has told me he doesn't feel safe around her. On an almost daily basis, she interrogates the children as to who is telling them horrible things about her, as that can be the only reason they would be pushing her away. She is completely convinced that I am bad mouthing her to them, and as she put it, 'running a mind-' on them.

 

Our oldest is now in therapy dealing with her previous actions while drunk, and now with her resurfaced delusions. I've pleaded with his therapist to write something to the court, or even just me personally, sharing what he is going through. Unfortunately, his legal advisors have told him that he should only get involved once it is in court. The downside to this is, in the next couple of weeks, a judge is going to rule on what the living situation should be for the boys between now and the court appearance. Realistically, this will probably mean a 50/50 split, and now my children are being left alone with someone I feel is truly mentally ill.

 

I know this thread is quite old by internet standards, but if there is anyone out there who can offer ANY practical advice as to HOW to help keep the children out of harms way (I'm pretty clear on what NEEDS to be done), I would greatly appreciate it. It seems that the system is set up only to intercede once something atrocious has happened...

[RainyCoast]

Anton, please take your story and your children to a social worker. Ask for a written assessment. Ask how you can have them advocate for the kids in court. All it takes where I live is a family crisis, but in some states such help is limited to low income families. Worst case scenario you'll have to pay for an assessment. Perhaps a surprise home visit is possible ( imagining a scenario of "I knew it!!! How dare you bring your h.o.e. to my house").