Accused of cheating (and worse) yet again; wife ends up in hospital

[Matt3939]

Keep us informed. It boggles my mind. Why on earth would somone stay if they really believed ( i think they absolutely do) what there accusing you of? That's what I couldnt understand. I asked once do you fantasies about me being with other woman? She said yes. I said why? She said cause you are desirable. I could be wrong but I think normal people think the opposite. She sounds manic bipolar. Good luck tonight sounds strange to have a 9pm appointment. Start taping her. She sounds like a normal person and a dr could see thru whatever she sais unlike what I was dealing with that knows what to say and can play them.

[Anton026]

I suppose my goal was to get all of us out of a toxic environment, but as you said, if I can't, then I can't. Totally in the dark here, not knowing if I should leave on my own, try to take the boys, stay to make sure they're ok, etc. Thanks for the feedback.

[Wiseman2]

Stay to make sure they are ok as unbearable as she is getting. How long has she been like this? In therapy mention this manic-like behavior and substance abuse.

I suppose my goal was to get all of us out of a toxic environment, but as you said, if I can't, then I can't. Totally in the dark here, not knowing if I should leave on my own, try to take the boys, stay to make sure they're ok, etc. Thanks for the feedback.

[Anton026]

Thanks for the help, Wiseman. That was my instinct too. As horrible as it is, it would be much worse to be away, worried about what MIGHT happen. At least when I'm here, I can run interference. And thankfully the boys love their 'daddy time'.

 

She's been fairly insecure from day one. I sympathized with her, as I used to be as well, and this situation is bringing about all my old, insecure behaviors as well. But she's been 'completely off the rails' since I approached her about the massive stash of spent pot cartridges in our closet.

 

The therapist I met with this morning suggested that we sign release forms so our 'new' counselor can get the notes and such from our previous therapist. Hopefully that will give her a decent background from a credible source, and we can get this process moving quicker than starting from the hole of "you're not going to conquer your sex addiction until you admit you have a problem."

[boltnrun]

A man I used to work with was awarded full custody of his pre-teen daughter.

 

His ex wife too would accuse him of all kinds of crazy things. She too saw "therapists" who assured her she was a victim and that HE was the problem.

 

So, he hired an attorney. The attorney helped him file for divorce and full custody of the child. Fortunately for him (and the daughter), his wife couldn't hold it together for the custody hearing. She repeated all of her accusations, including that she knew for a fact that he was working with the Secret Service to rob her of her child. (Why the agency who guards the president would be involved is a head-scratcher for sure, but she insisted it was true). The judge listened to her wacky accusations and awarded him custody on the spot, AND ordered that the wife attend intense psychotherapy.

 

Every few years she'd try to get custody back, but she didn't follow the court order for therapy and continued with her crazy accusations. None of her attempts ever worked, and he kept custody of the daughter.

 

So, I recommend you hire an attorney that specializes in divorces where one of the spouses has mental or psychological or substance abuse issues and see what he/she recommends.

[Anton026]

An update as I get ready for my 'sex addict' grilling tonight. Got the name and address of the therapist. She does indeed specialize in Sex and Pornography addition. Porn is something that my wife and I have had to talk about in therapy as well. She introduced it into our relationship early on ("I'd love to watch it with you"), and she isn't shy about admitting she watches it without me. But one of her claims has always been that I watch it EVERY day without her (not even remotely true). Every session we've had dealing with it, has ended with me saying 'if you don't want it in the bedroom, quite fine by me', and then about 2 months later, she's asking to bring it back into our sex lives. Like clockwork, about 6 months later, she accuses me of watching it every day, and 'tearing our marriage apart'. I've had this conversation so many times, I can recite it by heart. So here we go again.

 

The NEW wrinkle, is that she has apparently found a "Christian Counselor" for us, knowing that I'm agnostic at best, atheist at worst. Apologies to any deeply religious people on the thread; I hold no ill will and view religion as a whole as a great thing and a comfort for many. Just not my cuppa. My wife was raised Irish Catholic, is not practicing, and has only been in a church about 3 times since I've known her, for holidays and christenings. I'll be interested to see if this turns into her rediscovering religion, as I am apparently the devil incarnate. I assume the majority of the conversation will be about her issues with pornography, how I love it more than food, without getting around to the 'prostitutes and strip club' aspect of things.

 

Say a prayer for me please.

[Lisii]

I'm so sorry you and your kids are dealing with this.

 

I suffer from PTSD and thought I was successfully using exercise and meditation to "control" setbacks, Last year I didn't notice how bad my insecurities had become - I constantly thought my bf at the time was cheating on me (he is such a sincere guy! no way was he) I would stalk him on social media and ask him who he was with in meetings, what they would talk about and did, and I'd be incredibly upset if I wasn't included. I didn't for one minute think it was my issue. I honestly thought he and his female friends where trying to pull the wool over my eyes, it consumed me (I never ever accused him of cheating to his face, but in my mind I thought he was, I would struggle every time he had to do something without me - severe FOMO) -..

 

Finally he had enough, he informed me that due to my "self-esteem" issues I was no longer attractive to him and he couldn't be with me anymore... this cause me to have major mental breakdown.

I went to see my doctor who told me point blank that obviously my natural remedies were not helping my PTSD and that I should seriously consider alternative measures to control my anxieties and paranoia.

 

So I went on medication and have been seeing a counselor regularly.

 

In light, my medication is now working almost too well - I just don't give a hoot anymore.. I'm so chilled, I now find beauty and laughter in almost everything, so I may be annoying in a different way now - Tehe

 

Sorry to go on about myself, I completely agree (through my own experience) that the others are right. Your wife does need help, and you being a doormat to her outbursts isn't helping, Take a stand and take your kids and go somewhere safe. At least until she gets the help she needs.

 

Best of luck, it's a horrible thing to be going through, especially with young kidlets in tow.

 

.L

[Anton026]

So glad to hear you're doing so well, Lisii. Your PTSD symptoms sound spot on. She has also tried (or said she will try) yoga and meditation, first for her insecurities, then for her alcohol abuse, then for her pot usage. I even bought her a 6 month pass to the local hot yoga she went to with her brother when he was visiting. I think she went about 4 times on her own.

 

I just got a call from our GP saying she wants to meet with us both on Thursday. I've given her a heads-up via her assistant as to what is going on; hopefully she can either break through, or at least get her evaluated. The damage this has done already is staggering, and I have to take my share of the responsibility for letting it happen.

 

I was on anti-depressants after my aunt/cousin/grandfather and brother all passed within months of each other (the early days of Paxil), so I know the 'almost too well' aspect of things. Unfortunately, my 'don't give a hoot' was more of an antipathy about pretty much everything. Not sure if Paxil is the same for most, but not a pleasant experience. But better than the alternative. Again, glad to hear you're doing so well.

[Lisii]

Medication is a tricky one. Everyone is so different.. and of course alcohol and drug abusive can change the effectiveness.

 

I had depression when I spilt up with my husband and had tried different antidepressants resulting in me feeling zoned out or tunnel vision, so I gave up and started going to the gym and found that helped.

 

I am on 50mg of Sertraline HCI.. for the PTSD

 

Glad you have the doctors appointment sorted.. hope they can help. (and the church thing)

 

.L

[jujusamples]

Not sure how to get her to one (a psychiatrist), or how to get one involved. Suggestions?

 

You go to your family doctor or a walk in clinic, ask for a referral to a psychiatrist! there is a long wait for them so I would just go the emergency at the hospital and tell them your story. Ask for help, explain the whole situation and you are concern for your boys. They usually have resources at the hospitals, or at least send you in the right directions. Tell the triage at the emergency that you are going crazy about to loose it. That's the quickest way to see a psychiatrist. The I think the doctor there will know which direction to point you to, especially if there are kids in involved.

[youareworthy]

Dear Anton,

 

Disclaimer: I am not an attorney, though my divorce attorney suggested I had earned an honorary JD in Divorce Law because of all the crap I went though when I got divorced.

 

I am going to give you the general answer to the "How do I take the boys with me?" question.

 

1. If you are still married, and not separated or divorced, each of the two parents has a right to take your children anywhere. It is like having a joint bank account. Each of you could empty that account without the consent of the other. Kidnapping is not even on the table if you are still married and cohabiting. It is also not on the table if you leave your wife, taking the boys with you, and you retain an attorney and have that attorney contact her right after you leave, because there is no temporary custody agreement yet, so you are not in violation of that agreement by taking your boys, and some of your possessions, and leaving.

 

2. Once you are separated, there are three kinds of physical custody: sole physical custody (very rare), joint physical custody situation (the most common, it is approx 50/50 time with kids for each parent) or a primary custody for one parent and visitation for the other parent situation (this is the situation you will hopefully end up with). Once your custody is established (usually very quickly by means of a temporary custody order), you and she will each have certain hours or days with the kids.

 

If you have the children at times that technically belong to her scheduled time with them, and you either hide them in your area, or flee with them, or if you take them over state or national lines without her knowledge, whether it is your visitation time or not, you are risking kidnapping charges. Kidnapping is when you violate the terms of your custody and visitation agreement, and take the kids away from her during her time, or take them out of state without her knowledge. You MAY travel with your kids when it is your time with them, or on your scheduled vacation days in your custody agreement; however, most custody agreements have you contact the other parent before a trip to notify them how to reach the children by phone.

 

3. Whichever parent has the children the bulk of the time during the separation is the most likely to get permanent physical custody of the children. In custody matters, "possession is 9/10 of the law." It is critical that the healthier parent end up with the kids, so make very sure that you have primary physical custody of your boys from the point when you leave the home until you have a signed, court-approved custody and visitation agreement in place.

 

4. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES LEAVE THE FAMILY HOME TO SEPARATE FROM HER WITHOUT TAKING THE CHILDREN WITH YOU. There are two critical reasons:

a. If you leave the kids with her, she can easily argue in court that you have abandoned your children.

b. If you leave the kids with her, you will have destroyed any arguments you wish to put forth about the harm she brings to the kids. If they were safe enough around her for you to leave them with her, then you won't have a leg to stand on in trying to allege that she is not a fit custodial parent.

 

5. Of course, laws vary from state to state. But these are the basics. You can research separation and divorce laws for Washington State on the Web. Then hire yourself a divorce attorney as soon as possible!!!! DO NOT LEAVE YOUR MARRIAGE BEFORE YOU DO SOME RESEARCH ABOUT ALL THIS AND RETAIN A DIVORCE ATTORNEY! A hasty and or false step can cost you big time in losing the kids for her.

 

I will write again later. I am exhausted; am trying to hold off a foreclosure. I will keep praying for you, your sons and your wife.

 

Hang in there!

 

Youareworthy

[Anton026]

Thanks so much; that is getting printed out an put in my wallet. You hit it on the nose: I want to make sure I avoid a hasty and false step.

 

Quick update, since I am exhausted and feel like my brain is seeping out my ears: the 'therapy' session tonight was an absolute waste. My wife had primed the pump by saying that she found some adult movies on our private server, and that I must have a pornography addiction. No mention of the fact that the movies were in a folder with my wife's name on them, they were watched by her and I together, by her alone, and she had introduced them into our sex life. She just capped it off with another unfounded, sweeping accusation of "I KNOW he watches porn every day, for hours." I WISH I had that much time in a day...

 

So instead of talking about the mania, paranoia, rampant drug use, appalling and unfounded accusations of prostitutes, strip clubs, etc, I spent the night listening to the therapist talk about her views on sex addiction. The therapist I met with this morning warned me about this, by using the old "when you're a hammer, every problem is a nail" analogy.

 

On the bright(?) side, I let her have it in the parking lot. Told her she should be ashamed of herself for sitting there and talking about utter BS that she has not even MENTIONED to me in the past 6 weeks was the core of the problem. The only progress that was made was that I agreed to abstain from watching her films (gladly) to 'see if I can make it through' (jeez), but on the sole condition that she sober up. No alcohol, no pot, nothing. She's made that promise before; I give it about 8 days...

 

My thanks again to everyone for their support and advice, and sharing their similar stories; it has made a world of difference in my mental state, and allowed me to deal with this better than on my own.

 

YouAreWorthy, best of luck on the foreclosure. I'll send a prayer your way as well. Wish I had advice as concise as yours to give back to you.

[SherrySher]

You should note Anton, that depending on ill she is, (which only a psych can determine) she might actually believe her own delusions that you are a sex addict.

The things you are describing are of someone who is not sound of mind at all and you or someone else could sit her down and explain in great detail as to why you are not a sex addict and she won't hear a word. She really does need to be evaluated asap. I wish there were a way to force it.

If by chance she runs back to the hospital, go with her, and tell the doctor (not in front of her) that you are very worried about her mental health and to please have someone evaluate her...give the reasons you have stated here already. This will also help your case in terms of getting custody of the children.

I wish you the best of luck, and your children as well, I truly do.

[Matt3939]

Anton hang in there.

 

Where did u bring your children when you had this meeting? Is it a family member or friend? On your side that you can trust and go to for a bit of time?

 

I absolutely agree with the above she really does believe what she thinks. I know this is what happened to me. It's also the scariest part. Are you still sleeping with your wife? I stopped once I found out my ex was talking and going out with this guy. I didnt sleep with her after that all the way till I left been about a year.

 

Yes you did give her a talking to but this usually you can do till you are blue in the face. I think this needs action. I wouldn't be physical with this woman if I was scared for myself and my children. I'd get an attorney learn what your rights are and go from there. You have to do what's good for your kids and yourself you can't be fighting with your wife that's like counting sand.

[journeynow]

The only progress that was made was that I agreed to abstain from watching her films (gladly) to 'see if I can make it through' (jeez), but on the sole condition that she sober up. No alcohol, no pot, nothing.

 

This is quite the situation, Anton026, and I hope it all works out and she gets help. I wonder why you made the deal above? This could sound to her like you really want to keep watching the films, when you indicate here that you'd gladly abstain. The sobering up on her part is a far bigger issue, not one to bargain films for, but that you would leave her for. Maybe you are not ready for that, but like others have said, she may believe her paranoid thoughts and it may take you drawing the line AND acting on it by leaving. Youareworthy made good points, don't leave without the kids. Of course that gets tricky if they are in school and you don't have family nearby. I do think it very wise to speak to an attorney (or different attorneys to get more than one opinion) to see what your options are to find out how you need to protect yourself and your kids.

 

Also, be careful about things like " I let her have it in the parking lot." Anger is understood, but "letting someone have it" can come across as abusive.

[RainyCoast]

i think if you have another counseling session like that you need to flip the tables and swap the subject of your hallucinated addiction to her substance abuse, insecurities, paranoia, count how many times you've been to the ER for false heart attacks, recount the things she yelled and said in front of the children as well and ask that her psychosis be addressed.

 

call the gp and tell her all of this and ask for a referral to a psychiatrist.

 

snap a photo every time you find stash, a roach, a bong, a bottle, hash oil, anything to present to any therapist, lawyer, socail worker and doctor you'll see.

 

i'm a part-timer at the social services in a mental health program and i swear if you find a good social worker you can do pretty much anything, pack your kids and leave anytime and sometimes if fascilities allow for it be offered temporary housing IF you see a social worker whom you tell all this and ask help setting up a plan of action. they might also take steps to get her into treatment but the priority is you and the children. they have family crisis services and child crisis programs so if you see someone there there's the added benefit of not coming off as a lying addict but a concerned father. your case will be documented, you will likely be referred to lawyers, notaries and the lot and bring every document you get from them, (everything in writing basically, including the psych referral form, her entry when she's admitted to the ER , doctor's notes) and take them to your social worker to file in your folder. add photos, notes from counseling with name and number of your therapist and everything. you could also go see someone from child protective services (not call, go see them in person) and explain that you realize they might not be the best fit for your problem but that you would appreciate if they heard you out and directed you to whoever would be the right person for you. take whatever note they give you also. when you're actively seeking help in creating healthier circumstance for your children there isn't much one can dump on you to make you look like the bad guy. usually whoever you see will also make calls from their office and when you're sent somewhere by someone who has already heard you out and assessed your situation you're usually accepted with less scepticism.

 

and then anyone giving crap you just tell hold on, let me put my social worker on the line for you. a gaslighted counselor included.

 

i agree with the folks who said at least she's not the type who can act sophisticated and sane. her crazy is showing all over the place. she'll have no credibility wherever you end up for an assessment, much less in court hearings.

 

do you have an admittance form or doctors note or anything from the er? if not, call them with her info, time and date you've been there and ask for a copy.

 

 

p.s. i had c-ptsd until last year. never has it caused me anything like this remotely. while it's true the symptomatology can be highly individual, this isn't the clinical picture of a traumatized person, but psychosis- and i'd bet there will be a serious diagnosis sooner or later if she sees a shrink more than once and he catches on to the extent of her pathology.

[Anton026]

Anton hang in there.

 

Where did u bring your children when you had this meeting? Is it a family member or friend? On your side that you can trust and go to for a bit of time?

 

I absolutely agree with the above she really does believe what she thinks. I know this is what happened to me. It's also the scariest part. Are you still sleeping with your wife? I stopped once I found out my ex was talking and going out with this guy. I didnt sleep with her after that all the way till I left been about a year.

 

Yes you did give her a talking to but this usually you can do till you are blue in the face. I think this needs action. I wouldn't be physical with this woman if I was scared for myself and my children. I'd get an attorney learn what your rights are and go from there. You have to do what's good for your kids and yourself you can't be fighting with your wife that's like counting sand.

 

A good friend of my wife's watched the kids. I consider her a friend as well, but I'm fairly certain she's received my wife's version of the story. While she is a very sweet woman, and I trust the children with her for things like this, she also just finished up a divorce where her husband WAS doing a lot of what my wife is accusing me of, and worse. This was proven in court in a case separate from his divorce proceedings, where the police were involved in prostitution arrests. It was pretty horrible. So as I said, a sweet woman, but not someone I think would harbor me and the kids if she's believing I've done something her ex actually did. I'm fairly certain that their divorce is coloring a lot of what my wife is viewing as 'evidence'.

[Anton026]

This is quite the situation, Anton026, and I hope it all works out and she gets help. I wonder why you made the deal above? This could sound to her like you really want to keep watching the films, when you indicate here that you'd gladly abstain. The sobering up on her part is a far bigger issue, not one to bargain films for, but that you would leave her for. Maybe you are not ready for that, but like others have said, she may believe her paranoid thoughts and it may take you drawing the line AND acting on it by leaving. Youareworthy made good points, don't leave without the kids. Of course that gets tricky if they are in school and you don't have family nearby. I do think it very wise to speak to an attorney (or different attorneys to get more than one opinion) to see what your options are to find out how you need to protect yourself and your kids.

 

Also, be careful about things like " I let her have it in the parking lot." Anger is understood, but "letting someone have it" can come across as abusive.

 

Ooof. Thanks for pointing out my poor choice of words. By that, I meant that I told her, in no uncertain terms that I found what she was doing absolutely appalling and I wasn't going to allow it to be inflicted on me and my sons.

 

As for the 'deal', I probably didn't describe that correctly as well (my brain was more than a bit hectic last night). I was very vocal about the fact that this was a part of our sex life that my wife initiated, that has been repeatedly removed, only to be reinitiated by her, so my giving it up wasn't going to be an issue. My main focus was getting her to agree to, in front of a witness, to getting clean: no alcohol, no pot, no recreational drugs at all.

 

Pretty much every word of this was ignored, as I was told that regardless, it would be best for everyone for me to seek additional counseling by someone who specializes in sex addiction.

 

The real kicker to that is, I asked my urologist to have my testosterone tested a few months back, as my sex drive is quite lower than my wife's, and I thought that maybe one of these 'low-T' treatments you see advertised every 10 minutes might help things.

[Anton026]

 

and then anyone giving crap you just tell hold on, let me put my social worker on the line for you. a gaslighted counselor included.

 

do you have an admittance form or doctors note or anything from the er? if not, call them with her info, time and date you've been there and ask for a copy.

 

 

Thanks so much for this. It really helps to have a course of action, especially from someone with your background. Much appreciated.

[journeynow]

As for the 'deal', I probably didn't describe that correctly as well (my brain was more than a bit hectic last night). I was very vocal about the fact that this was a part of our sex life that my wife initiated, that has been repeatedly removed, only to be reinitiated by her, so my giving it up wasn't going to be an issue. My main focus was getting her to agree to, in front of a witness, to getting clean: no alcohol, no pot, no recreational drugs at all.

 

 

I understand, I figured that is what you meant. I'm just saying you have to be careful moving forward, don't give the impression you are displaying over the top behavior in any way (say, if someone overhears your wording it may come back to bite you, it could be used against you). She is so good at this and getting people on her side that you have to be careful. As for the deal, I understand that too, but it is more of the same, and she cannot meet you there, she seems to be stuck in her reality. Yes to pointing out it was her idea, repeatedly. And in front of a witness is fine, too, but I still think you should present it as an issue of you leaving, not of you giving up anything less. That way YOU are defining the limits, not her. (She's still able to make it about the movies, which focuses on your behavior or what she imagines is your behavior, whereas leaving is much more cut and dried.) The whole thing is worrisome, though, so please talk to an attorney or two or three so that your leaving with the kids is not used against you.

[Anton026]

Well said. I think that your advice about setting it up as an issue of leaving, and defining the limits myself is exactly what i need to do to take some control back. Thankfully I have meetings lined up with attorneys the first part of next week, and that will hopefully give some clarity to the legal side of how to best get the kids away from this.

[youareworthy]

Dear Anton,

 

Thank you for being so receptive to the input you are getting. It is making your situation so much easier for you, and less frustrating for us. Often on here we who have lived through these things give advice directly from the salt mines, but the original posters are not willing or able to act on the advice--or even to hear it.

 

You are doing very, very well with this. I know you feel like your brain is leaking out your ears, but please know that from the outside, we see you taking wise steps and doing excellent things.

 

Your family is in my thoughts and prayers.

 

Youareworthy

[Blue Ridge]

This is utterly heartbreaking to read. I have little advice that hasn't already been given, but I would be inclined to write something up, even just edit the posts you've made here, and send it to the "sex addiction" therapist. Even if you never go back to her, sounds like she could use the reality check. It may be taken as you continuing to "cover up your addiction," but at least you will have said your peace. Your wife is mentally ill, and it seems to be getting worse. Without medication, it will likely continue to, whether she smokes marijuana or not. Perhaps I watch too much Dateline, but I fear for your kids, and would try for full custody and only allow supervised visits. Even if she doesn't/wouldn't physically harm them, the emotional harm is real. Best wishes (and Go Hawks!).

[Wiseman2]

Of course. Because when you go to a foot doctor you talk about feet. Smart move to inform the gp of some of your observations regarding substance abuse and bizarre behavior.

 

You biggest asset/friend is sticking to the facts with no exaggeration, spin or agenda (like claiming you fear for the kids..this will sound like you are setting the table for divorce and a custody win)

 

Unfortunately it sounds like the parking lot deal won't stick. it's a lose-lose situation. She will hide the substances and you will be accused of 'porn addiction' regardless.

I spent the night listening to the therapist talk about her views on sex addiction.

[Blue Ridge]

 

You biggest asset/friend is sticking to the facts with no exaggeration, spin or agenda (like claiming you fear for the kids..this will sound like you are setting the table for divorce and a custody win)

 

Wiseman, I respect your opinion highly, so please take this as intended. Do you not fear for the kids? Her pattern of behavior is terrifying to me. A mother who has lost touch with reality, is abusing drugs and alcohol, and has paranoid delusions would seem to me to be a very real risk to the children. I'd reckon best case scenario, she never does anything violent but says things about their father that will affect them for years. Just the heart attack scare would have scarred me at that age.