Accused of cheating (and worse) yet again; wife ends up in hospital

[Wiseman2]

Absolutely..if she's using substances. However what I meant was the first step is to get the gp to address the drugs and behavior objectively without 'leading'.

 

This will then be the first documented by a doctor account of her mental state.That will be golden for him to proceed with protecting them.

 

At this point it's he said-she said and she will start dragging out records from this 'sex addiction' counselor that He is unfit, goes to hookers,etc.. Sadly it's not who's right...it's what you can prove.

Do you not fear for the kids? Her pattern of behavior is terrifying to me. A mother who has lost touch with reality, is abusing drugs and alcohol, and has paranoid delusions would seem to me to be a very real risk to the children.

[Anton026]

First, thanks to you both for the feedback. I hear what Wiseman is saying (I think) where it's more about SAYING "I fear for the kids" to the sex addiction counselor. Speak of what she's done, not what she might do. Or I could be off; I don't want to put words in anyone's mouth.

 

That being said, I definitely DO fear for the children. I had a horrible step father growing up, and I know firsthand that emotional abuse is just as bad, and sometimes worse, than physical abuse. Bruises heal in a week, tears in your soul take a bit longer.

 

An instance I have brought up to her when talking about this, is an instance she had with our oldest son, when she was high. We had friends over, and were sitting outside talking. I had put our son to be bed about 15 minutes beforehand, and as I tucked him in, he asked if I would read to him or 'get cozy in bed and watch cartoons' (his favorite weekend pastime). I said sure, and that I would be back in about 15 minutes. I was well done with the social aspect of the evening (I'm a bit of a recluse) and went down to say my goodnights, and let people know I was going to bed.

 

After about 20 minutes, my son comes downstairs to see what the holdup was. My wife jumps up, picks him up saying 'nope, huh-uh, back to bed'. He's trying to tell her that he wants to talk to me (I'm catching this out of the corner of my eye and see what's going on), and she runs up the stairs to his bedroom with him wiggling around in her arms, trying to get her to listen to him, and he/she bangs his head against the door in the process. Needless to say, I lost my s*&t, told her to get everyone out, and got our son settled. That was the main beginning of 'yes, I am afraid for my kids'. She can argue that it was an accident, as she didn't do it intentionally. But is was directly out of neglect and her substance abuse, and our son was very upset not because of dad being late for story time, but because of how his mother was acting. This should have been the deal breaker; the end of it all. But she promised to quit smoking, go to AA (she went once), and do what was necessary. And I was having visions of being told 'you're over reacting, kids bang into stuff all the time. It was an accident.'

 

Again, I brought this instance up last night at the counselor's. She started by mumbling 'how dare you bring that up?' and 'that was a complete accident'. The counselor stopped the conversation, read us the guidelines for breach of trust for when children are in danger, and concluded by saying 'I don't see that the children are in danger of imminent harm'... Now back to the porn addiction therapy...

[Wiseman2]

Exactly. This counselor is all about your supposed sex addiction. That's why some facts/documentation about her substance abuse/neglect is the best course of action for you/your kids.

 

You mention she's been to AA? Tell the doctor this.

The counselor stopped the conversation, read us the guidelines for breach of trust for when children are in danger, and concluded by saying 'I don't see that the children are in danger of imminent harm'... Now back to the porn addiction therapy...

[youareworthy]

The well was already poisoned with that therapist. But I am concerned for that therapist's other patients that she didn't pick up on your wife's reaction to this story, and see it as the red flag that it was, and that she can't see through your wife's "crazy."

 

I am also thinking "projection!" the whole time I read things you write. Is your wife the one with a porn addiction? I assume she is not hiring escorts since you and she both work from home and you know her whereabouts, but in my experience with substance abusers and people with mental illnesses, often they will accuse you of what they are actually doing.

 

She is the one with the porn films. She introduced, and reintroduced multiple times, porn use into your intimacy. She could even have visited strip clubs. That is what the wife of one of my friends was doing.

 

Just a thought. Perhaps a discreet peek at her phone or computer would show you a world of sexual addiction. Women can be sex and porn addicts, too!

 

Youareworthy

[Anton026]

I don't want to criticize the new therapist, but I believe the 'when you're a hammer...' analogy is apt. And she's very young; only a couple of years out of school, so I question the amount of 'expertise' we were given. On top of that, she is very open about her conservative Christian methodology on her website and handout. Again, not taking a shot at anyone's religion or belief structure, but if someone has the viewpoint that all "x" is harmful, and neither of the clients share that view, it's probably not a good fit. Everyone brings their own views to the table, no right or wrong, but if you don't have common ground on what the 'issue' is, you're not going to achieve much. And she made it very clear that she was not willing to see us as a couple; only my wife as an individual. So yay for that.

 

One other things that struck me as lopsided, was the insistence by the therapist that I unlock my work computer and phone, disabling the security measures so she could 'put her mind at ease'. The therapist I saw earlier that morning suggested the complete opposite, as she had cases where when one partner worked on undermining the other partner's social relationships, their work relationships soon followed. To me, that's another sign of some severe tunnel vision on the therapist's part.

[Anton026]

I hear what you're saying about the projection, but I don't believe she has a sex addiction problem either. I know she watches it occasionally on her own, occasionally with me, and I view it like any other sex aid: if you both are ok with it, more power to you. If one of you has a problem with it, then keep it out of the bedroom out of respect for your partner. It's just not something I put any amount of importance on. I'm sure there's plenty of sexual addicted women out there, and as I said, my wife's sex drive is greater than mine. But like I also said, my wife and I are together 99.2% of every day, and more often than not, she's asleep by 8:00pm. There would be no time for her to be addicted to going to sex clubs, or strip shows, or prostitutes with any habitual regularity. If giving yourself a little 'me' time, or having a glass of wine with dinner, helps you unwind, then great. If it causes you to feel insecure and lash out at your partner, or get falling down drunk, then there's an issue.

 

I doubt very much I'll be pushed for even a 'discreet peek', as you say. I believe everyone has there own personal space, and I can't justify feeding a suspicion by rummaging through her things, when I get upset for her doing the same. I feel like I have few legs of support in these confrontations, so I don't want to be kicking the ones I have out from under me. Whether she's addicted to porn or not, for me the real issue is whatever the hell is misfiring in her brain, and causing these paranoid delusions.

[youareworthy]

I agree with you about not taking a peek, then. You do want to operate on the highest moral ground possible, and preserve the few "legs" you have to stand on.

 

You sound very smart, and I think you are making wise judgments. Keep up the good work.

 

Youareworthy

[RainyCoast]

i haven't read everything so my appologies if it's been stated.-- but social services WOULD advise (and usually help a client set up) a counselor for the children. it's not because the husband would claim the mother is a monster.

 

it's because he is seeking help regarding a family crisis and even a brief description of what we've read on here would tell any social worker the children are under stress during life phases that are formative for their mental health, personality structuration, and affect their sense of self, the world, relating and their own power or powerlessness, and that how their crisis is handled now could very well determine their future.

 

i didn't stress for anton not to say "help me my wife is a monster and i need to get the kids away now" because he sounds..well..cultured and i thought it went without saying that he would present the story objectively and respectably. sorry if i wasn't clear about that.

 

also, it's common for clients to sound affected during a crisis. even a poor choice of words won't automatically deter a social worker from hearing them out and assessing the situation further. most people aren't just affected at crisis centres, they're hysterical. the employees know not to judge a person on grounds of temporary affect.

[Wiseman2]

I bet if you call Al-Anon for help (they support friends/families of drunks) they could tell you what's going on here.

 

As far the the Christian treatment for your alleged sex addiction. I disagree with the open devise thing, it sounds like phenomenally naive advice. Why? because your devises may be holier than the pope's, but then she'll just think you are hiding something another way or sneaking around somehow else.

 

Also if you go to a witch doctor to remove a curse, that's what they will do. They will not perform knee surgery instead, even if that's the real problem..

get falling down drunk, then there's an issue.

[Matt3939]

Anton like others have said you need to document all this stuff best you can. To show drs and more importantly the lawer. I didnt have to deal with the smoking and drinking with my situation almost made it more scary. I do however have alcoholic parents to this day and if she's this out of control believe me the kids see it. I hope you are are sober in this situation

Remember money doesnt lie. If you were seeing prostitutes there would be cash unaccounted for. This is he said she said you need proof. I was told constantly I had a lying porn problem and I needed therapy. I was so deep I loved her so much. Maybe i was wrong? I thought if I went it would apease her and stuff would get better. The dr said I quote " you can come back and vent but I wold only be taking your $$" it sounds like going backwards last night. If you can't get thru with that therapist you need to see another one that will listen to your concerns. Who cares if somone watches porn. It's a break of reality drinking and smoking and you are worried about your children.

[thornz]

Don't see the sex addiction therapist again as she sounds totally biased and her testimony will go against you in court.

 

Can you take your children to a domestic abuse refuge or shelter to get them away from your wife. Who knows what she might do. She sounds totally irrational and I fear for your children's safety.

[CSNY]

Honestly,

 

speaking from experience, if you were ever a hoebag (sorry, bad word I know), but I didn't know how else to describe. If you ever were, at one point in your life, combining that with the fact that she may have mental health issues, AND combining that with weed... And I'm not accusing you of ever being that !!!

 

But, if that at all comes into play... you're in for a rough life.

 

 

I know this is not popular, but what you do before you get married will affect your spouse, just as much as when you are married. Kind of a taboo subject...

 

 

that being said, if she does have mental health issues, nothing you can do but be there for her. Mental health is a physical illness, just like Diabetes, or Anorexia. It affects a physical part of the body, and hers is malfunctioning.

 

If it weren't for the weed, I could give you all kinds of advice on what to do for a loved one, with a mental health issue, but she is self medicating, to boot.

 

 

 

So you have drugs (number one), and an underlying mental condition. That's a tough one. That's a reaaaalllyyy tough one.

 

 

 

 

Basically, point blank, mental illness stems from real life situations, they just get blown out of proportion, and exaggerated. To the extreme. Combining any kind of medication, that is not real medication as in what is prescribed by a doctor.... it makes things 18,000 times more complicated.

[Matt3939]

if she does have mental health issues, nothing you can do but be there for her.

 

I donno if I agreen with that comment. There comes a point when you have to remove yourself out of the situation. For your own safety. Plus he has children. I'm sure he tried to be there for her if I remember he's been with her 10 years. Im sure he loves his wife and wishes she was back to normal and this was just a dream. It's sounds like she needs professional help not yoga. I went to the dr for lower side pain he said do yoga. I went to another dr I have a hernia. First dr checked missed it and blew it off. Meditation yoga running doesn't help this. Yes I understand if he was screwing around before if that's the case hell I'm throwing my hands up and I'll just read from now on. But anton has said nothing of that nature to suspect that.

[journeynow]

One other things that struck me as lopsided, was the insistence by the therapist that I unlock my work computer and phone, disabling the security measures so she could 'put her mind at ease'. The therapist I saw earlier that morning suggested the complete opposite, as she had cases where when one partner worked on undermining the other partner's social relationships, their work relationships soon followed.

I'm with the second therapist on this. Protect your work and your clients.

[Anton026]

CSNY, I hear what you're saying. One of the reasons I think I've been so tolerant of her insecurities is that I went through a lot of that in my 20s. With a open minded therapist, support from my family and great friends, I finally had a 'come to jesus moment' where I realized I had worth as a person, and if someone could not recognize it, it wasn't my responsibility to convince them of it. As I type this, I realize that somewhere along the way, I've forgotten this, constantly trying to prove my innocence to my spouse...

 

But as I was saying, I could sympathize. But I also have to agree with Matt. My brother suffered from a severe substance abuse problem, stole from our mother and our grandparents, in and out of jail, cooking meth back before most people knew what it was. We tried and tried to get him help, but as anyone in the situation will tell you, until it sounds like a cliche, they won't get better until they decide they want to get better. I'm seeing with whatever is going on with my wife is much the same. Unlike diabetes, the part of you that helps recognize that you have a problem is the area affected. If you are further hinder that decision making process with drugs and alcohol, you are probably never going to come around, no matter how long someone is there for you.

 

We did everything we could for my brother. Forced rehab (resented and blamed us), lockup at home (much the same), bargaining and deals (no deal ever stuck), etc. The only thing that really shook him to his core towards the end, was when he was faced with 20 years in the state penn, or giving up his names and contacts for a plea bargain. He chose the 2nd and paid for it with his life, before ever making it to court. I know completely that if he had lived long enough to cut a deal, it wouldn't have cured what was wrong with him, just delayed a return to behavior he saw as normal.

 

Matt is right: I love my wife, but this is not my wife. She is sick, but if she is incapable of seeing it and allowing others to help, instead of blaming everyone else, then there is nothing for anyone here. As many have pointed out, I have taken on doormat status, but on the flip side of that, hopefully I won't spend too many dark nights of the soul wondering if there was more I could have done.

 

On a side note, my apologies for rambling. I know I do that a lot, but this has been very cathartic, helping pull pieces like the above paragraphs together and remind of some of the work I've done in my own life, and the lessons I need to remember.

[youareworthy]

M y apologies for rambling. I know I do that a lot, but this has been very cathartic, helping pull pieces like the above paragraphs together and remind of some of the work I've done in my own life, and the lessons I need to remember.

 

Bless your heart, Anton! Of course you are allowed to ramble. Most of us have done that at one point on here.

 

We did everything we could for my brother. Forced rehab (resented and blamed us), lockup at home (much the same), bargaining and deals (no deal ever stuck), etc. The only thing that really shook him to his core towards the end, was when he was faced with 20 years in the state pen, or giving up his names and contacts for a plea bargain. He chose the 2nd and paid for it with his life, before ever making it to court.

 

I am so sad to hear about your brother. What a tragic life, with a terribly tragic end. And your whole family suffered so much along the way, and at the end. Makes me troubles seem light and momentary...

 

I realized I had worth as a person, and if someone could not recognize it, it wasn't my responsibility to convince them of it. As I type this, I realize that somewhere along the way, I've forgotten this, constantly trying to prove my innocence to my spouse...

 

It's great that you remembered that! That is precisely the attitude you need here. These issues are HER problems, and though they affect you and the kids enormously, YOU cannot fix them.

 

Hang in there. You are growing by leaps and bounds!

 

Youareworthy

[Matt3939]

I don't view this as drugs or alcohol. With those you eventually sober up. You know your actions cause the problem. It's cause effect. It's totally true with that problem you have to decide for yourself to stop. I drank in my early years that's something I do understand. Unfortunately there's that problem and the other she really believes he's cheating. That's not the same as drinking she has psycosis. I'm not religious but I wish my ex knew the truth. I wish there was a way to know but in reality there isnt cause they dont want to listen. I sat my ex down told her everything remotely sexual i have done since 22. Not hard to do i havent had many relationships most have been long. After that i never lived stuff down. She also took my user names added 6 letters divided by pi and all the sudden im posting prostitute reviews I became every matt on google. Its soooo hard to accept when you didn't do the things u r accused of specially if you know there just making a mistake about the current situation. Unfortunately you have to realize at the current time she isn't going to get better. My ex wanted to know why I wasn't getting in contact I told her multiple times (you scare me) I'm a guy I'm not small I'm rather large but that was the truth. Anton don't worry about people saying your a doormat. You tried your best you did everything you could remember that. It's helped me to think that way. I'd like a good outcome for you and your wife but she needs help from a professional at this time.

[Anton026]

Thanks Matt. I can own being a doormat; rolling over repeatedly on the actions is something I've done and I'll have to deal with the consequences. The part that really stings is being known as a 'sex addict', since I imagine that's what's driven my 'friends' away. And it's not because I miss them, but their kids and my boys are very close, like brothers and sisters. But no one in their right mind is going to let their kids hang out with someone who has that stigma. If it was just affecting me, I could handle it easily. But my boys feeling the fallout of that is unbelievably rough...

[youareworthy]

Anton,

 

This is one of those situations where you just take the high road. You know the truth about yourself. Eventually those "friends" will see your wife's illness; some of them will probably reevaluate what she's been saying about you. I think in not too long a time, some of your sons' playmates will be able to hang out with them again. The truth has a way of coming out; your wife's behavior is over the top, and those around her will see it.

 

She cannot hide crazy forever.

 

Be there for your sons. Play ball with them, take walks, go to the hardware store, play video games, whatever you all love to do together. Your presence, your extra time with them is the silver lining to their not being able to see those friends right now. Make golden memories with your guys.

 

Youareworthy

[Vanishing Girl]

I agree with everything youareworthy said....

And my 2 cents...it's not going to stop or change until you do something to create a rock bottom situation for her. You could wait for it to happen naturally, but your sons are going to suffer even more than they have.

 

Take it from someone who used to behave like your wife (and cheated which was my rock bottom)....draw your hard line in the sand and then if she goes through therapy, gets off pot (she has to , at least initially for a good length of time, in order to do the inner work needed for change) you can be there to love her and see her through. If you don't do that I think you're enabling her along with putting yourself and your sons in a harmful situation. Get yourself therapy too because you'll need it and the fact that you stay with her through this (with no improvement in her end) means there is something going on with you too.

 

You can do it!

[SherrySher]

I kind of have to agree with the above poster (Vanishing girl)..........you're a good guy Anton,no doubt about that, but why on earth stay this long with someone like her? You must have seen the signs way way earlier on..you must have had the fights and her broken promises and her broken words. All of her erratic behavior didn't just "spring up".

It will at some point be questioned to you...as in.."if you knew she had a problem, why did you stay?" "If you were so worried for your children's safety why take so long to do something about it?".... and speculations that you're doing this now only out of anger and spite.

I heard what you said previously..that it was partially a doormat personality..but you cannot do that kind of stuff with children, nor can you force them to take it cause you can't or don't know how to fix the situation, or her.

 

You wife sounds like a selfish person and someone who has created much of this situation. I am not excusing her at all! People who have mental illness's know when something is wrong..they know whether they should be responsible on seeking help or not and they know if they are doing things to make it worse, or not.

She purposely is acting like an ass and is getting herself more and more sick....that's not mental illness...that's pure selfishness. You don't behave this way as a Mother.

 

I hope you can do the work now to get your children away from her and yes, something in your post has really struck a chord with me when it comes to the children.

I am more than upset for them and upset that no one is protecting them from this lunatic.

 

I hope you find ways now to get them away from her..you've been given much wonderful advice here and I hope you find your way now. I know it won't be easy but I hope for strength for you and your children.

[CSNY]

if she does have mental health issues, nothing you can do but be there for her.

 

I donno if I agreen with that comment. There comes a point when you have to remove yourself out of the situation. For your own safety. Plus he has children. I'm sure he tried to be there for her if I remember he's been with her 10 years. Im sure he loves his wife and wishes she was back to normal and this was just a dream. It's sounds like she needs professional help not yoga. I went to the dr for lower side pain he said do yoga. I went to another dr I have a hernia. First dr checked missed it and blew it off. Meditation yoga running doesn't help this. Yes I understand if he was screwing around before if that's the case hell I'm throwing my hands up and I'll just read from now on. But anton has said nothing of that nature to suspect that.

 

Yes, I didn't mean to imply that,

 

 

if she's got drugs involved, and it is an abusive environment, something has to be done about the kids, but it is a medical issue. It is sooo difficult, to get mental health help, and treatment, and with kids involved....

 

 

I'm not sure what advice I can give, or offer. Because it's such a touchy subject, and it isn't like going to the doctor when you have a heart attack. (Though) it should be.

 

 

 

I want them both to get help, basically. If she loses her family, she will get lost in the shuffle and never get help at all.

 

 

 

I guess, all I can ask is that does she have any other family that can help her ? (It's still not going to be easy), and again. Adding the drugs on top of everything........

[CSNY]

CSNY, I hear what you're saying. One of the reasons I think I've been so tolerant of her insecurities is that I went through a lot of that in my 20s. With a open minded therapist, support from my family and great friends, I finally had a 'come to jesus moment' where I realized I had worth as a person, and if someone could not recognize it, it wasn't my responsibility to convince them of it. As I type this, I realize that somewhere along the way, I've forgotten this, constantly trying to prove my innocence to my spouse...

 

But as I was saying, I could sympathize. But I also have to agree with Matt. My brother suffered from a severe substance abuse problem, stole from our mother and our grandparents, in and out of jail, cooking meth back before most people knew what it was. We tried and tried to get him help, but as anyone in the situation will tell you, until it sounds like a cliche, they won't get better until they decide they want to get better. I'm seeing with whatever is going on with my wife is much the same. Unlike diabetes, the part of you that helps recognize that you have a problem is the area affected. If you are further hinder that decision making process with drugs and alcohol, you are probably never going to come around, no matter how long someone is there for you.

 

We did everything we could for my brother. Forced rehab (resented and blamed us), lockup at home (much the same), bargaining and deals (no deal ever stuck), etc. The only thing that really shook him to his core towards the end, was when he was faced with 20 years in the state penn, or giving up his names and contacts for a plea bargain. He chose the 2nd and paid for it with his life, before ever making it to court. I know completely that if he had lived long enough to cut a deal, it wouldn't have cured what was wrong with him, just delayed a return to behavior he saw as normal.

 

Matt is right: I love my wife, but this is not my wife. She is sick, but if she is incapable of seeing it and allowing others to help, instead of blaming everyone else, then there is nothing for anyone here. As many have pointed out, I have taken on doormat status, but on the flip side of that, hopefully I won't spend too many dark nights of the soul wondering if there was more I could have done.

 

On a side note, my apologies for rambling. I know I do that a lot, but this has been very cathartic, helping pull pieces like the above paragraphs together and remind of some of the work I've done in my own life, and the lessons I need to remember.

 

Ah yes,

 

 

so you do understand. Yeah, basically that's all that's happening to her, combined with the weed. Sorry, don't mean to make you feel any worse than you already did.

 

I also agree with the second therapist.

 

 

I'm in a situation, where my social media status is being destroyed. By "friends" of "ex's" (both in quotes),

which I won't get into.

 

 

But, they are legitimately sabotaging my social media.

 

 

Sooooo, yeah. Social media is a no go. Keep your accounts password protected, and probably password protected well.

[Matt3939]

Anton

With the doormat issue. I wouldn't say it's so much as you are a doormat. You just put up with things for so long cause you loved her and thought you could get thru this. Poster above brings up a good issue of why you dealt with it so long. It does look bad but i understand it too. It's obvious you finally met your breaking point. So now it's time to deal with the situation.

 

I'm sorry you lost some of your friends. My ex tried to limit mine. I'm not a very social person I have a very select few. She would tell me there no good ect. I found this funny cause I known them for 20+ years I'm not leaving them. It was a control issue. Once I officially moved out over a year ago. I broke all contact with her friends. Who knows what she told them about me I really could care less. Sounds like your wife telling that your a sex addict. She wants somone to believe her, this reinforces her delusions. If they were your friends though maybe you can talk to them? Good luck

[Quasi]

Unfortunately, I have more first-hand experience with this situation than I would like. My ex-wife went through a period of increasingly erratic behavior, with anxiety and paranoia, including accusations against me. The nature of her delusions was a bit different, but a lot of this sounds very familiar.

 

Here's the bottom-line: This is a medical issue, a mental health crisis. Talk therapy will not be helpful on it's own, and indeed counter-productive with the wrong counselor (as you are seeing!). She needs medical intervention, and she needs it ASAP. This type of process can degrade very quickly, and you could be soon looking at someone who becomes a danger to herself or others. Right now, it's crazy accusations (only words...), but it may well proceed into physical altercations or attempts at self-harm. The tipping point on this can come very suddenly, believe me.

 

You need to get ahead of things in a couple of ways here, don't be passive on this. This is an urgent crisis and your marriage, the health of your kids and her daycare kids, and even her life can be at stake! That's no exaggeration.

 

First, trying to talk her out of her delusions is pointless. You are wasting your breath and could even make the situation worse. Do not go to any further talk therapy appointments with her. It's part of her paranoid delusions that she will consider herself to be factually correct, justified in her beliefs, and mentally healthy. Counseling on your own for your stress and anxiety caused by the situation could be helpful.

 

Next, you need to do everything you can to get her medically evaluated. Get in to talk to your GP ASAP, and discuss your concerns. You can always pass information on to a medical professional. They may not be able to tell you much, due to privacy laws, if you are not listed on her forms. But they can always take your information and act on it based on their own judgement. Layout a summary of your concerns to the GP, and ask what steps you should take. If you can convince her to go with you to see the GP, that could also be useful. But you need to pass on the information about her behavior separately. Ultimately, a psychiatrist needs to evaluate her, but the odds of her agreeing to go see one at this point are very low without a third-party or some external factor pointing her that way (and even then).

 

You need to consult with an attorney and discuss the legal issues surrounding custody. You don't have to take any action that further damages your marriage, but you need to know the facts and your options.

 

You need to find some safe environment for the kids and have it lined up for an emergency. This friend of your wife may be an ok situation, but that fact that she tends to believe your wife's accusations doesn't sound good. Are there any other true friends that you trust? Any other reliable relatives?

 

Now, the marijuana use can't be helping. But it's probably not the root cause. There actually is a link between thyroid conditions and mental health issues, here's one example link: No where near everyone with thyroid problems develops mental health issues, but it is one possible contributing factor. Your/her GP should be made aware of this in case they aren't already. My wife had very mild hypothyroid, as well as a family history of it.

 

In my case, there were no prior warning signs, even in hindsight. She simply started to become more irrational and anxious. Initially, it was nothing that would be totally out of the ordinary for a person who was under stress or not feeling well. But it became more common and then ultimately lead to full on paranoid delusions. She had eventually had three separate breakdowns (psychotic breaks). Police were involved all three times, as well as ambulance transport followed by a hospital stay. Her third breakdown involved a very serious suicide attempt that could also have ended up killing other people. After that, she finally accepted her diagnosis (schizoaffective disorder) and has been 110% compliant with her medication and psychiatrist appointments ever since.

 

The fall-out from all this combined with some more mundane issues we had ended up killing our marriage. But she is a much healthier person now and in much better shape. She recognizes her past delusions for what they were now. It might not be too late for your marriage, if your wife gets treatment very soon and sticks with it. My ex basically went back to her "old-self" within a couple of weeks after getting proper treatment, and as long as she stays on that treatment.

 

Check out the for SZA as well as the Mayo clinic link above. There is a specific section with information about cannabis use and how it contributes to this disorder, as well as information about the link with thyroid conditions.