Boyfriend is a follower!

[EpicSumma05]

Last Sunday made 2 yrs of being in a relationship with my boyfriend. There's been so many ups and downs. Last year he wanted me to move in but we had argument, he made online dating profile so I didn't move in. We were able to talk out things throughly, so he deleted the account. I have an medical condition/surgeries (while in hospital he never came to visit).

 

 

Long story short his mom added me on Facebook I only met her like three times. First time out to dinner she stayed on her phone the whole time didn't even talk to me. Boyfriend actually kept me away from his family for the first year of the relationship. I reached out to his mom via Facebook it show she "read" my messages but no reply. Now here's the main reason of the break up, this past Saturday his sister had 15th birthday party. I didn't go simply because I don't know his family nor none of his friends, (never met any friends) not to mention how the mom can't even reply to a simple msg so to avoid the awkwardness I didn't go. We didn't talk all weekend till late Sunday night. He started saying how his cousins and friends were there with their girlfriends. Saying how they all live together.

 

 

 

I don't feel it's time to move in because first of all we don't spend much time now. (He pays rent at place him and his cousin shared but the cousin moved in with his girlfriend) meanwhile my boyfriend only goes there when we hangout otherwise he stay at his parents place. Honestly the place is a mess and I hate going over there. I say he need to clean up and he brush it off. So we only hangout like once a week or so. We don't spend that much time to the point it's like "omg I'm always there I should just move in." I'm sure this all came about because his friends and cousin live with their girlfriends. I told him he needs to be his owner leader and I ended it. Everything his cousin do, his cousin moved in with his girlfriend and bought a house he think we should do the same. Like the cousin is expecting a baby, now he keep saying we should have a baby, he even got job at the same job as his cousin.

 

 

I txt him saying we can talk in person but he said no thanks. I was willing to give it a trial basis but I'm not taking tremendous step moving in when I rarely see him as it is. Any advice on this situation?

[ParisPaulette]

My advice given the red flags you've encountered in two years is do not move this man into your place. He doesn't want to move in, because he wants a life with you. He wants to move in, because he's tired of paying rent and having to share his mess with other people. Oh and because "other people do it." Which may not even be true or maybe those couples are compatible and they clean the house together and share their lives and really want to get married OR maybe one of his friends is happy and the other one is wondering how on earth he/she is going to get rid of this other person that is now mooching off them and wrecking the place.

 

In others just because other people "do it" does not mean it's a solution to this guy's pay rent, share space with other people's problems, which is how he's approaching it.

 

That's not a recipe for anything but disaster. And the whole online profile thing? You should have dumped him way back when. Seriously, to me it just sounds like he is trying to bully you into letting him have free room and board while he continues to make a mess. You've seen how the guy lives. You already know you two are barely a couple as it is. You won't even go to his family and friends events and he's barely introduced you to anyone or even acted much like a boyfriend at all from what I can tell.

 

Moving in together isn't something people just "do." You do that as a couple when you're looking at long-term marriage and being together for the rest of your lives AND you know you're both compatible and won't end up with a legal mess where one of your refuses to move out and/or pay rent or clean up anything. And it damages the other one's credit and/or ability to ever get a decent rental again.

 

Does anything you've written about this man indicate to you that letting him move in with you is a great idea and suddenly magically all your problems with be solved? Because I'm not seeing it. I'm not even seeing why you didn't already realize this relationship as you describe it is a dead end the first year in, let alone two.

 

Letting him move in with the red flags you describe and your incompatabilities? A terrible idea, just really put this one down to "Let's not and say we didn't."

 

The only way I'd ever advise this one moving in with you is HE rents a place and puts HIS name on the lease and signs a contract with you that states the first time he skips the rent and expects you to pay it all or doesn't do his share of the housework you'll be gone, that your bank accounts remain separate property. Oh and that he steps up the plate and shows you he genuinely wants a life together as a partner, going out regularly AND introducing you to all of his friends and family instead of just a roommate. And you make him sign it and do all of that BEFORE you move in together.

 

And if he says no then there's your answer. And my guess is he will say no, because he's just looking for an easy solution, not a partner he can build a life together with from what you describe.

[Batya33]

I think you made a mistake not going to his sister's birthday. If you don't know anyone, then you do your best to look positive and approachable and if possible to introduce yourself to people and congratulate the birthday girl. I don't think moving in together is a good idea. I don't see why you are labeling him a "follower" just because he is inspired by his cousin -lots of people want to buy a house with a spouse or partner. You two do not sound like a good match and I think you have to think about how flexible you are and willing to compromise in a relationship.

As far as Facebook it's possible the mom got busy as far as responding and would be happy to speak with you in person.

[Wiseman2]

Your are too incompatible to move in together. You can't get along and already you have unnecessary friction with his mother/family. It won't end well. Delete his family from fb and do not message them through fb. There is absolutely no need or reason for you to be fb friends with his mother.

he made online dating profile so I didn't move in.mom added me on Facebook. I reached out to his mom via Facebook it show she "read" my messages but no reply.

[Knot2loud]

If you don't feel comfortable with moving in with him... then don't. Personally, I don't recommend it. Since he's just your boyfriend and you appear to have a lot of doubt about the relationship... I would also recommend you take a serious look on whether or not you should drop this guy and move on. He seems a bit wishy-washy.

[EpicSumma05]

He follows his cousin and friends EVERY lead. I didn't want to go to the party due to the awkwardness. I'm not going to change for anyone just because he want me to be like someone else's girlfriend. I'm not going to rush into moving in or having a baby just because his cousin did that. I can't imagine just walking up to people introducing myself and the mom can't even reply to a simple Facebook message but she replies to other people's post.

[Theniceone]

Now here's the main reason of the break up, this past Saturday his sister had 15th birthday party. I didn't go simply because I don't know his family nor none of his friends, (never met any friends) not to mention how the mom can't even reply to a simple msg so to avoid the awkwardness I didn't go. We didn't talk all weekend till late Sunday night. He started saying how his cousins and friends were there with their girlfriends. Saying how they all live together.

 

You should have gone in my opinion. This was your opportunity to meet his family and friends. Not knowing them was a poor excuse not to go. I do not think in this case it is about him being a follower, but him wishing you were there.

 

Now for him wanting to move and have a baby, you need to communicate. He may just expressing his future goals. Up yo you to express what yours are.

[Theniceone]

He follows his cousin and friends EVERY lead. I didn't want to go to the party due to the awkwardness. I'm not going to change for anyone just because he want me to be like someone else's girlfriend. I'm not going to rush into moving in or having a baby just because his cousin did that. I can't imagine just walking up to people introducing myself and the mom can't even reply to a simple Facebook message but she replies to other people's post.

 

It is not about doing like other people's girlfriends but about showing basic social skills. Please realize that her mom is not of the ''Facebook '' generation where communication over social media trumps everything. Show her that you care about her son enough to endure for a few minutes the ''ackwardness'' of meeting his family and friends for the first time... you never know you may have fun doing it. Never had to introduce yourself at school or at work?

 

EDIT: I realize you broke up with him, well keep the advice in mind for your next boyfriend.

[EpicSumma05]

@Wiseman2- he actually kept pressing the issue that I add his mom on Facebook. When I did she message saying Hi. I last sent the message at end of June it show she read it but no reply. Meanwhile she post on Facebook daily. And the sister sent me a friend request it's still pending. Last Sunday was the last time we seen each other and my head was hurting I wasn't feeling well and just wanted to go home and he got so upset with me and literally started crying because I didn't stay over. He doesn't even understand when I tell him I'm not feeling well.

[Wiseman2]

Ok, but why not unfriend them and reset your privacy settings. Why 'follow' him and do whatever he/his mother and family want? Think for yourself. Better yet break up because you clearly do not get along after this much time together.

he actually kept pressing the issue that I add his mom on Facebook.

[EpicSumma05]

It's over now. It's really obvious he's trying to keep up and follow his cousin's lead. It's so obvious because everything the cousin do he want to do the same thing. I'm not going to change nor try to keep up with anyone. And then he started saying how he want us to live together as his friends and cousin live with their girlfriends.

 

This is his exact text "I'm just at the point in my life I want to live with some one and start a family and eat dinner together every night cook with each other watch TV with each other."

 

Meanwhile this didn't occur till AFTER the party and the guys had their girlfriends then he suddenly come up with all this.

[Wiseman2]

Tell him to find someone to marry. Notice he said 'someone' nothing about you.

his exact text "I'm just at the point in my life I want to live with some one and start a family and eat dinner together every night cook with each other watch TV with each other."

[EpicSumma05]

Get this, he just text me and it seems he's rather confused. First he try to stress the issue of us not living together, now he's trying to argue over the fact I didn't come to the "party"

 

He text saying " The only reason I brought up my friends and family having there girlfriends there was because I told everyone that you were coming and then the days before the party we start arguing over nothing , and honestly I just felt dumb , like everyone else girlfriend wants to come to the party but mine don't, and everyone asking where my girlfriend is?"

 

Sound like he's confused. The party is over and done why even bring it up. As I said I didn't want to go and i didn't want to be some where not knowing anyone. The mother can't even hold an Facebook convo so I can only imagine in person. When I first met her we all went out to dinner and she stayed on her phone the entire time didn't even talk to me. Everything happens for a reason. It wasn't meant for me to be there because if it was I would have been there. No questions asked.

[Wiseman2]

He's not confused at all his family is very clannish and over-enmeshed and he's pressured and tells you so and keeps trying to explain, but you don't get it. They all do things in lock-step. If this doesn't suit you, move on. It will never ever change and he will find a girl who is more involved with his family.

I just felt dumb , like everyone else girlfriend wants to come to the party but mine don't, and everyone asking where my girlfriend is?"

[EpicSumma05]

I was dating him though not his family. He only want me to go because friends and family bring their girlfriends but when the friends and cousins were single he didn't invite me to nothing. As I said I never even met his friends. His mom doesn't reply to my msgs so that ship has sailed. I just didn't want to deal with the awkwardness. I'm done with him so he can find someone else to keep up with everyone else.

[Wiseman2]

In your mind, not his. You are never going to be compatible because of that differential in family involvement.

I was dating him though not his family.

[Batya33]

I was dating him though not his family. He only want me to go because friends and family bring their girlfriends but when the friends and cousins were single he didn't invite me to nothing. As I said I never even met his friends. His mom doesn't reply to my msgs so that ship has sailed. I just didn't want to deal with the awkwardness. I'm done with him so he can find someone else to keep up with everyone else.

 

If you want a healthy long term relationship you have to do a lot of stuff that is "awkward" and if you are serious with someone then you also need to be involved -at least on a civil/polite level -with his family. Obviously some people don't care about the family part but most do, in my experience and if that person does, then decide whether you're willing to compromise or move on. And especially if you have a child with someone you have to do your part to have the child involved with your partner's family (of course with exceptions -if it's unsafe, etc).

 

He may just want to keep up with someone else or he may -understandably -simply have similar goals/values to those other people. Many people want a long term partner, a family, to be family-oriented.

[HeartGoesOn]

There's been so many ups and downs. Last year he wanted me to move in but we had argument, he made online dating profile so I didn't move in. We were able to talk out things throughly, so he deleted the account. I have an medical condition/surgeries (while in hospital he never came to visit).

 

I would have sent him packing for the (above) reasons, alone.

[abitbroken]

Don't message anyone's mom on Facebook. Unfriend her and block her, and do the same for all his relatives.

[ParisPaulette]

So what exactly is it you want out of this? For your boyfriend to not be like how he is, who he is? And no, I wouldn't be cool with the mom of the guy I'm dating insisting I Facebook friend her then not even having the courtesy of replying to me either. It's called Basic Manners 101. But so is going to a function to get to know one's partner's family and friends, so on that no you should have gone. That you didn't and didn't want to is another red flag that this is the wrong relationship for you.

 

And a big problem here is he is totally looking for someone to simply step into a role. It's not that he's asking you these things, because he loves you and wants to marry you. It's because his cousin is doing it and his family now I'm sure is saying "Well, why are you not moved in and married yet?"

 

And if any man cried because I wasn't going to spend the night with him for whatever reason they'd be dumped on the spot. Seriously, WT? This isn't a man, this is a child.

 

Just run for the door and don't look back. Seriously OP, your gut is trying to tell you something, why aren't you listening to yourself? Is this an insecurity thing where you think, "Well, this is the best I can do and I really don't wanna with him, but I just don't think I'll ever find better." For the life of me I cannot fathom why you haven't woken up to the fact that in two years time you don't want to move in with this guy, don't want to be around his family, don't sound like you even like the guy, and yet you just won't pull the plug and move on.

[EpicSumma05]

UPDATE: He text me saying he felt embarrassed because everyone bought their girlfriends and kept asking where was his girlfriend. I think it's preposterous because I had an prior engagement and also everything just fell into place because I didn't want to go anyway to deal with his anti social mother. Long story short now he's saying he was only upset because of that and he want us to start spending more time together and want to give us one more shot. I honestly don't know what I want to do because I'm so confused right, he told me to have a good life and now he say he love me and he want to get back together.

[Batya33]

I would let him go because he needs someone who is far more flexible and tolerant than you are willing to be (really? a person is "anti-social" for not responding to a FB message?). I also would let him go because of what Heartgoeson wrote about his not acting in a committed/trustworthy way.

[EpicSumma05]

@Batya33- Seriously????? If someone can't respond to a simple fb message how would it be in person? Exactly no communication and just awkwardness. The cousins girlfriend even got a job with my boyfriend mom so therefore I don't know it's just something about the mom. even planning to throw the cousin girlfriend a baby shower so yeah definitely confused.

[Batya33]

@Batya33- Seriously????? If someone can't respond to a simple fb message how would it be in person? Exactly no communication and just awkwardness. The cousins girlfriend even got a job with my boyfriend mom so therefore I don't know it's just something about the mom. even planning to throw the cousin girlfriend a baby shower so yeah definitely confused.

 

I am amazed that you would evaluate someone's in-person social skills (i.e. the most important ones) based on whether that person responds to a message you send on FB (I have missed a number of messages on FB as have my friends, actually). Maybe she meant to respond when she saw you in person - so, in your opinion how skilled is it socially to refuse to go to a family event because you might feel "awkward"? I don't think whether someone responds to a message on FB from someone she barely knows means anything about social skills and to judge someone that harshly shows a bit lacking in the common sense department. I think you're too caught up in spinning the facts to justify your rigidity. Again -he's no prize if he cheated on you/tried to cheat so for that reason yes I'd leave.

[Wiseman2]

if you can't stand socializing with his family and he is very close to them it will never work. End it and you will be happier.

I didn't want to go anyway to deal with his anti social mother.