What do you think this means?

[NYCKAT80]

I'd been dating my bf for 7 months and sadly, we moved in together two months ago. For the past 4 months he has this odd thing where he STARES and I mean STARES at women (about 25 years younger than him). It's like he goes into a trance and it's really, really upsetting. I have tried to have a million conversations about it with him and also to get him on ADD meds since he obvs has it. It got to the point that he just kept denying he did this and was trying to gaslight me (look it up, very interesting term). I couldn't stand going out with him for this reason. It was making me nuts to watch it. So, we decided to try counseling for the first time yesterday. He was insistent that I go with him (mainly because he and his personal therapist have decided that I'm delusional and making it up about his leering/staring problem). So, we go in yesterday and I already knew that at the end of the session I would break it off. He's going on and on telling the therapist all about how I see things that aren't happening and I'm suffering from "delusional jealousy." From the second he opened his mouth, it's like she wasn't buying him. So, towards the end of the session she says to him, "I notice that you have not made any eye contact with me during this session, why is that?"

 

So, my question to you is this, was she trying to imply he's lying or was she trying to say that perhaps he doesn't know where his eyes are going and he has some issue with that?

 

BTW, at the end of the session, I blindsided him and dumped him. No one should put up with crap.

[rosephase]

You dumped him. It doesn't matter any more who was right. No one can tell you what your therapist was implying.

 

Being told you are making things up when you clearly see them is a really rough thing to deal with. Stop worrying about him and work on healing for yourself.

[NYCKAT80]

Geez, it just happened yesterday and I was curious. Is that so bad?

[SherrySher]

Good on you for dumping him.This man is obviously attracted to younger women and instead of "being a man" and owning up to his bs..he throws you under the bus and blames you and even is as cheeky to make you out to be insane. What a horrible human being!! No woman should ever have to put up with that.

 

As for what the therapist was implying, there is no way to know for sure other then to ask her directly as it could be interpreted many ways.

[SherrySher]

I'll give it a guess though. Therapists obviously know a lot about human behavior. When it comes to lying, people usually don't make eye contact. It's a classic sign. She might have been letting him know that she knew he was being untruthful and was blaming all of this on you and she realized it.

I hope you stay away from this man. He obviously will never own up to his leering problem and he will continue to blame you for the issues. There is no winning with a person like that. He will think he is right no matter what you say.

Btw, 25 years younger?? He must be older..50's?? If that's the case...there is no chance of changing him at this stage.

[ParisPaulette]

She was calling him on his BS. And yes, everyone knows the difference between someone giving a pretty person an appreciative glance and what the cruder people in some of my circles call eye-blanking someone.

 

Also as someone with therapy training when someone goes on and on about how delusional their partner is, how much it's all their partner's imagination and yet won't look you in the eye or the partner or let anyone get a word in edgewise? Yeah, guy may as well as have been wearing a "guilty as charged" sign around his neck.

 

I'm glad you dumped him. It's just wrong to goggle at others to the point it makes people uncomfortable, doubly so if these were underaged women we're talking about.

 

Ten to one he dumps the therapist then complains about her being "crazy" and "delusional" too.

[SherrySher]

I hope he's close to his 50's and not younger, otherwise they will be underaged women and then it becomes disturbing. You did the right thing on getting away from him.

[Clinton]

I think it means you wasted the therapists time. Why go if you were just going to dump him regardless.

[Ms Darcy]

You went a little overboard with your ADD diagnosis. He's attracted to younger women and stares at them inappropriately.

[Tanzi]

It sounds as though the therapist didn't believe him ... but without being there and witnessing what went on in the session we can only speculate on what was going through her mind ... or why he was doing it. The main thing is, it was enough to make you feel uncomfortable and you have dealt with it.

[Wiseman2]

Have you moved out? It sounds like you hate the guy.

I already knew that at the end of the session I would break it off. He's going on and on telling the therapist all about how I see things that aren't happening and I'm suffering from "delusional jealousy." I blindsided him and dumped him.

[NYCKAT80]

I'll give it a guess though. Therapists obviously know a lot about human behavior. When it comes to lying, people usually don't make eye contact. It's a classic sign. She might have been letting him know that she knew he was being untruthful and was blaming all of this on you and she realized it.

I hope you stay away from this man. He obviously will never own up to his leering problem and he will continue to blame you for the issues. There is no winning with a person like that. He will think he is right no matter what you say.

Btw, 25 years younger?? He must be older..50's?? If that's the case...there is no chance of changing him at this stage.

 

ABSOLUTELY. I took it for three LOOOOONG months and was so sick of the constant, "I'm not doing anything." So, he lost me. I will NEVER, EVER look back because you know what? It was horrible to experience. I was sick all of the time and constantly second-guessing myself. Who needs that. I'm completely done with him. If you can't leave the house with your significant other, you have some REAL problems. Thank you for commenting and helping me get insight.

[NYCKAT80]

He has a therapist (she says I'm nuts because she can't IMAGINE he'd ever leer at women) who he speaks with on the phone (no face to face...). We just hired this one couples counselor who was a complete stranger to both of us.

 

I have zero problems with men looking at a woman who is attractive, I do it, too, but this guy? He was following with his whole head and also (I couldn't believe it) would carefully move himself so he could continue to stare. The weird thing? He's so handsome, he's dated plenty, so why the "I never saw a woman before" routine. It was just so over the top. Thanks for your input.

[NYCKAT80]

He *just* turned 50, but is really young-looking. I just don't get why he's moved in with and claims he's so in love with me, a 45-year old. As I said in the session, "Go! Go get who you want, it's so easy!"

[NYCKAT80]

We did not. He also has a TERRIBLE temper that has been threatening to me in the last week. So, it was the safest place for me to break up with him and for him to FULLY hear me out instead of being able to shut me up with bashing in a wall or something. He was insistent that we go.

[NYCKAT80]

You went a little overboard with your ADD diagnosis. He's attracted to younger women and stares at them inappropriately.

 

To be honest, the whole story isn't here. When I first started seeing this AND my new therapist, she was convinced that perhaps he had some kind of ADD or was on the spectrum, which is why he couldn't focus - ever. She said he was on the wrong meds and needed a psychiatrist. She felt that perhaps that would help him focus more. I agree with you, no meds would ever fix this, but she felt it would keep him more focused. Ridiculous.

[NYCKAT80]

He is staying somewhere else for the rest of the month so that I can stay here and find a new apartment. Hate? Not sure about that, but I would say that I absolutely have had enough of the humiliation, stomachaches and depression that this brought me. When I make up my mind, I'm done. There's no healing this for him and as long as he was denying it (for months on end) where was there to go. Good riddance!

[HeartGoesOn]

I will NEVER, EVER look back because you know what? It was horrible to experience. I was sick all of the time and constantly second-guessing myself. Who needs that. I'm completely done with him.

 

No offense, but it appears you're still "second guessing yourself", otherwise you wouldn't be questioning your actions, etc. I'm sure my reply won't score any brownie points, but I have a hunch you're leaving a door open.

 

Either way, I wish you well.

[NYCKAT80]

No offense, but it appears you're still "second guessing yourself", otherwise you wouldn't be questioning your actions, etc. I'm sure my reply won't score any brownie points, but I have a hunch you're leaving a door open.

 

Either way, I wish you well.

 

Ha! Nope. I've been tortured for 4 months about this; it was not an overnight decision. Plus, I have told friends and family that he has a very bad temper and I fear for myself around him. The only reason that I started this thread was because I was interested in what the therapist said. Why are ppl on this site so hostile? I wasn't expecting that.

[Clinton]

Ha! Nope. I've been tortured for 4 months about this; it was not an overnight decision. Plus, I have told friends and family that he has a very bad temper and I fear for myself around him. The only reason that I started this thread was because I was interested in what the therapist said. Why are ppl on this site so hostile? I wasn't expecting that.

 

We're not hostile. You just have a massive chip on your shoulder. And like a lot of people, only want to hear opinions that correspond to what you want to think about the situation.

 

You aren't here looking for opinions, you're here looking for people to validate your stance.

[NYCKAT80]

We're not hostile. You just have a massive chip on your shoulder. And like a lot of people, only want to hear opinions that correspond to what you want to think about the situation.

 

You aren't here looking for opinions, you're here looking for people to validate your stance.

 

People are here because they are hurting and need help. There is a kind and considerate way to answer everyone's questions. Being intentionally mean or using an unkind tone isn't necessary. There's enough terrible stuff happening in the outside world. It's funny, you can always tell the miserable people online. They take any opportunity to name-call. I have no chip on my shoulder, just wanted an answer to a simple question. So, buzz off.

[Clinton]

People are here because they are hurting and need help. There is a kind and considerate way to answer everyone's questions. Being intentionally mean or using an unkind tone isn't necessary. There's enough terrible stuff happening in the outside world. It's funny, you can always tell the miserable people online. They take any opportunity to name-call. I have no chip on my shoulder, just wanted an answer to a simple question. So, buzz off.

 

You got me. I'm miserable and unhappy in my life. Woe is me. Now that you point it out its so obvious. Why didn't I see it before. Thank you for your deep and meaningful insight.