Should i 'leave her be'?

[jmann45]

So this new girl i met, we kicked it off on the first date. She texted me with emotions and lengthy ones at that. On the second date, i took her to another city about a 2-3 hour drive.. She agreed and started calling me as it got closer to the date. I planned on making a move on this date since it was obviously going somewhere.. Well, about 1.5-2 hours into the drive there, she started acting allitle different. allitle distant. it was subtle but noticeable. I noticed that she had been texting someone within that little time frame she started acting different. The date was very fun but she obviously kept her distant throughout the date. I got touchy here and there but she kept her boundaries from a kiss or holding hands. &i kept back too.

 

We had a ton of fun and laughs though because i guess we naturally click. On our drive back, i started asking her about her past relationships out of curiousity to the way she was acting. She brought up this guy who she was friends with benefits with for 8-10 months and it had just ended about 2 weeks ago because she had more feelings for him than he did for her, so she says she cut it off. She said that he still hits her up sometimes to ask her how shes doing and he had texted her that day too. She told me that its hard for her to not reply.. this obviously meant she wasnt over it. and i dont expect her to be over a 8 month relationship in 2 weeks with someone who she had feelings for the whole time. When i dropped her off, i just gave her a kiss on the cheek and said bye. She turned back and just smiled at me for a good 5 seconds (no clue what this meant).. Then she left.

 

Then, being the drake that i am, i texted her and gave her allitle advice on her situation telling her that some guys just dont realize that they're hurting you but hitting you back up over and over again, and sometimes you have to be the one to let go. and said goodbye to her. she texted back saying that she really needed someone to tell her that for the longest time.. and thanked me. today is the next day and my gut tells me to back off completely and see what happens. but another part of me is saying to keep trying. I dont know if i should dodge her or continue dating her. I dont know if she'll fall for me orr.. ?

[Wiseman2]

Excellent advice given that she texted her fwb while on a date with you! It sounds like she likes you but this dude is still in her life too much. Make sure you're not a rebound.

advice on her situation telling her that some guys just dont realize that they're hurting you but hitting you back up over and over again, and sometimes you have to be the one to let go.

[ParisPaulette]

Don't just let her be, run for the hills.

 

Red flag one, texting with massive emotions to someone she barely knew. Red flag two, going on a date with someone who then tells you they just broke up with someone else - in less than six months. Red flag three, being on a date with someone who then confides in you about this other person and how they hurt them, blah blah blah. Red flag four, texting someone they have feelings for while they're on a date with you. Red flags are screaming here, don't you see them?

 

Annnd it's just gone downhill from there. I'm sorry, by letting her talk about this other guy and "confide in you" and you "making her feel all better about it" you have (and I really hate this term, just despise it, but here it is) put yourself squarely in the not sexy, not romance department of friend zone.

 

You need to break off all contact. It is very clear she is not over the guy and is looking for buddies to vent about him to while being taken out on dates, but she is clearly not looking for romance from you. And you will not get it by letting her sob on your shoulder about some other guy. Sorry, but Hollywood lied to you about that. Nothing renders a person more sexless than letting your crush use you as a free therapist/safe friend to vent on about the person they really like.

 

Do the only thing possible, text her and say, "Look, I'm looking for romance, not someone to help over a breakup. Sorry, but thanks." Then you delete her number, block her so she can't reach you to keep going on about this other guy, and go back to the drawing board. And find someone who is REALLY ready to date.

 

As an old hand at the online dating thing, (too old actually come to think of it) I will tell you to save yourself some serious trouble and walk away from anyone who brings up an ex or the person they had feelings for that were not requited on a first date. Those people are looking for therapists/venting buddies and not romance. You want the woman who is excited just to be with you on a date. That's why she pulled back.

 

So yes, run for the hills.

[jmann45]

Don't just let her be, run for the hills.

 

Red flag one, texting with massive emotions to someone she barely knew. Red flag two, going on a date with someone who then tells you they just broke up with someone else - in less than six months. Red flag three, being on a date with someone who then confides in you about this other person and how they hurt them, blah blah blah. Red flag four, texting someone they have feelings for while they're on a date with you. Red flags are screaming here, don't you see them?

 

Annnd it's just gone downhill from there. I'm sorry, by letting her talk about this other guy and "confide in you" and you "making her feel all better about it" you have (and I really hate this term, just despise it, but here it is) put yourself squarely in the not sexy, not romance department of friend zone.

 

You need to break off all contact. It is very clear she is not over the guy and is looking for buddies to vent about him to while being taken out on dates, but she is clearly not looking for romance from you. And you will not get it by letting her sob on your shoulder about some other guy. Sorry, but Hollywood lied to you about that. Nothing renders a person more sexless than letting your crush use you as a free therapist/safe friend to vent on about the person they really like.

 

Do the only thing possible, text her and say, "Look, I'm looking for romance, not someone to help over a breakup. Sorry, but thanks." Then you delete her number, block her so she can't reach you to keep going on about this other guy, and go back to the drawing board. And find someone who is REALLY ready to date.

 

As an old hand at the online dating thing, (too old actually come to think of it) I will tell you to save yourself some serious trouble and walk away from anyone who brings up an ex or the person they had feelings for that were not requited on a first date. Those people are looking for therapists/venting buddies and not romance. You want the woman who is excited just to be with you on a date. That's why she pulled back.

 

So yes, run for the hills.

 

But i had asked her about her past relationships. she didnt just spit all this out of no where. I asked her because she had been acting that way the whole day. And her telling me about her ex was the answer to all my questions so im glad i asked her. I notice very little things and i noticed that she suddenly (at one point in the long drive) started acting allitle different. But from her perspective, im sure she was trying to act completely normal and trying to be a fun person around me. Its only because i noticed it tthe different acting is why i got the story about her ex out of her.

 

&to be completely honest with you, i sent that text out of the thought process that i was never going to talk to her again. it was in the intentions of being a good person and making her realize whats really going on.. and then leaving her to let her solve the rest herself.

[FlashEng1]

But i had asked her about her past relationships. she didnt just spit all this out of no where. I asked her because she had been acting that way the whole day. And her telling me about her ex was the answer to all my questions so im glad i asked her. I notice very little things and i noticed that she suddenly (at one point in the long drive) started acting allitle different. But from her perspective, im sure she was trying to act completely normal and trying to be a fun person around me. Its only because i noticed it tthe different acting is why i got the story about her ex out of her.

 

&to be completely honest with you, i sent that text out of the thought process that i was never going to talk to her again. it was in the intentions of being a good person and making her realize whats really going on.. and then leaving her to let her solve the rest herself.

 

Ahh but the red flags still remain. Whether you asked or not, she was still acting different and still texting him. You knew about it because you asked, but it still doesn't change anything. I too would move on to someone else. Anyone who knowingly goes on a date with me and spends their time and attention on someone else (texting/calling/facebooking), clearly aren't on the same level of interest as I am, regardless of excuse or reason.. I'd move on too.

[Ms Darcy]

Ahh but the red flags still remain. Whether you asked or not, she was still acting different and still texting him. You knew about it because you asked, but it still doesn't change anything. I too would move on to someone else. Anyone who knowingly goes on a date with me and spends their time and attention on someone else (texting/calling/facebooking), clearly aren't on the same level of interest as I am, regardless of excuse or reason.. I'd move on too.

 

Perfectly and succinctly said.

 

She's into that dude and you are a temporary distraction.

[jujusamples]

But i had asked her about her past relationships. she didnt just spit all this out of no where. I asked her because she had been acting that way the whole day. And her telling me about her ex was the answer to all my questions so im glad i asked her. I notice very little things and i noticed that she suddenly (at one point in the long drive) started acting allitle different. But from her perspective, im sure she was trying to act completely normal and trying to be a fun person around me. Its only because i noticed it tthe different acting is why i got the story about her ex out of her.

 

&to be completely honest with you, i sent that text out of the thought process that i was never going to talk to her again. it was in the intentions of being a good person and making her realize whats really going on.. and then leaving her to let her solve the rest herself.

 

I say don't waste your time on her anymore. That's why it's important to spend some time with the person of interest in person rather than just texts or talking on the phone. The reason is actions speaks louder than words. It's great that you are able to read her body language. It's important and it's the truth! If she's texting her FWB while on a date with you, it's a RED FLAG! It's still early, you should just move on, looks like this could be complicated and messy if you go any further.

[musicman777]

Then, being the drake that i am, i texted her and gave her allitle advice on her situation

 

]

 

You just pulled an ENA on a girl you dated?! LOL. If you gotta give ENA-style advice to a girl you are dating, she's not the one...

[SherrySher]

You're the rebound guy nothing good can come of this. She is not over this other guy and is not emotionally available for any one right now.

[Massari]

Is this the same girl who you wanted to kiss at the beach and be very romantic with?

 

Unfortunately everyone here is right and it is your choice to accept our advise ot not. She is not over this guy and you might be PLP (public leaning post) for her to lean on you and vent out.

You on the other hand have romantic feelings for her and when she can't reciprocate those feelings back that's when it will upset you.

Right now you don't have expectations from her but soon you will have if you get more serious with her and that's where you will get hurt because she is not where you are.

 

Just stop talking to her for now, let her come to you and if she asks why you're distance and bla bla be straight up honest with her and tell her she is not over this guy and you don't want to get hurt

[ParisPaulette]

Good that you've decided never to be in touch again, now keep to that even if she comes back around.

 

The red flags were her red flags I was listing, not yours. Your red flag will be if you continue to stay in contact with someone who you started playing therapist to.

 

The purpose of dating is to find out if a) you are compatible with someone b) what red flags might come up that would make this person not so appealing past the initial phase of getting to know each other and c) do they want the same things you do?

 

So on that date you found that there were red flags and she is not emotionally over the last guy she was with.

 

It's time to move on, she does not want a relationship, she's just trying to get over the last guy by dating new men. If you want only friends and want to be there to hear all about how terrible another man is then great, this is what you're looking for.

 

If it isn't my advice still stands. What looks great in the beginning isn't always that way, sort of like when you see a pretty shiny car at the dealership for a very good price, you get excited and go to buy it, but fortunately your buddy is with you who knows cars. And he tells you it looks great yes, but the engine is about to die and the brakes are shot and every major part inside that runs the car is damaged. At that point I hope you would walk away and realize a first impression of shiny goodness doesn't always mean it's good.

 

Same thing with new people you'll meet and date. Don't project "It was so good in the beginning," because that is only the beginning. A bit of texting and one date does not a future relationship make. You got to know her, she's into someone else still, that car is gonna need a whole new engine and brakes and to get it's parts replaced before it will really be able to get back on the road and drive anyone anywhere. Including you.

 

P.S. I'm predicting she contacts you again, not to talk about you and get to know you, but to want to now talk all about this other guy. She won't maybe say that at first, but you'll find he comes up over and over again, because now she has someone who isn't her friends who are sick of the guy and calling her on "We told you sleeping with him wasn't going to make him love you." And you will be a fool if you let her unless you can absolutely have no more feelings for than if your good friend Joe wanted to call up and complain about the girl who broke his heart.

[catfeeder]

Should i 'leave her be'?

 

Yep. She's still hung up on her FWB, and nobody can compete with that. I'd skip her.