karen6786 Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 My fiance and i live together. It seems like if i talk to him, it always winds up him getting mad at me. For example...last night i took a shower. I got out and simply asked him if he was going to take one, just letting him know i was out. Just trying to be considerate. He got angry and said ' well, i guess i am!' I told him i was sorry and i was only trying to be considerate. He never got back to normal with his behavior and just rolled over and went to sleep. I was hurt, tried to talk to him and he just said he was going in the other room to sleep. A couple days before, i wanted to take him out to eat to a nice dinner. The place has a wait and we went back to our car. I asked him where he wanted to go and he said arbys.. i told him that we go there all the time and i wanted to take him somewhere nice. He got mad and blew up at me. No amount of reasoning calmed him down. I tried to explain that he misunderstood me and that i was trying to do something special for him. He jyst contunued to be angry, called me crazy, yet again and we went home. This behavior happens all the time and when i get upset about the way he treats me, he turns it around to always be my fault. I love him, but i am tired, i feel lonely and uncared about. I feel like everything is my fault, but i know its not. I just need some words of wisdom or kind advice. Link to comment
musicman777 Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 It sounds to me like this guy has some anger management issues. He should be happy he has someone who loves him and agree to marry him, and this is how he behaves towards you? You know, engagement is another phase in the relationship to see if this person is compatible for marriage or not. Do you really want to marry a guy that makes you feel tired, lonely, and uncared for?... I wouldn't ignored any of this. Was this man always like this? Or was it after you lived together for a while and things? Because, over time he maybe showing you his true colors. It's easy to play nice to women early on and put on a happy face. But over time, the truth will come out of how peoples personalities really are. Regardless, I think he needs to get some professional counseling/therapy. In fact, I would insist on it; tell him you want him to work on his issues with anger or you are leaving him. If he doesn't agree, hit the road and ditch this guy. It will probably only get worse in marriage. Link to comment
SherrySher Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 I agree with Musicman. Don't proceed with the marriage unless he agrees to counseling. At the very least, ask him if something is wrong or if something is bothering him. It's possible that he could be dealing with personal issues. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 Stop over-pleasing him and answering to him as if you're his flunky. If he's pissed, stop the conversation and leave the room. Stop reasoning with an abuser. There never is a reason, the real reason is he wants to beat you down no matter what you say or do. Google: Red flags/sign of a verbally/emotionally abusive relationship.This behavior happens all the time and when i get upset about the way he treats me, he turns it around to always be my fault. I feel like everything is my fault, but i know its not. Link to comment
karen6786 Posted June 13, 2016 Author Share Posted June 13, 2016 After i posted this yesterday, we were sitting outside talking...i am always careful what i say, as not to set him off... He was telling me his stomach was borhering him. He had once mentioned that coffee creamer set his stomach off, and i knew he had eaten ice cream earlier, so i asked him if he ever thought about him being lactose intolerant...he said no, that he wasnt, so i just told him it was just something that came into my mind. Later that night it came out again. He said that i was out of line. That he knew his body, and he was not lactose intolerant and he was angry because he said i was being pushy... All i have to say is.....what the heck? And i question myself...am i a horrible person? But then i remember how hard i work to not start problems and i wonder if it is me or not. I just do not understand his need to act this way. I told him our relationship would be better if he would ease up a bit on me and he refuses to see he is doing anything wrong. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 Wow! This guy does not respect you. You don't have a relationship, if you're walking on eggshells all the time. Why the hell are you apologizing to someone who treats you like this? Remember, we teach others how to treat us, and you are demonstrating doormat behavior by allowing this guy to be disrespectful. I would save your money on the crappy fast food and get some counseling. The guy is emotionally abusive. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 After i posted this yesterday, we were sitting outside talking...i am always careful what i say, as not to set him off... He was telling me his stomach was borhering him. He had once mentioned that coffee creamer set his stomach off, and i knew he had eaten ice cream earlier, so i asked him if he ever thought about him being lactose intolerant...he said no, that he wasnt, so i just told him it was just something that came into my mind. Later that night it came out again. He said that i was out of line. That he knew his body, and he was not lactose intolerant and he was angry because he said i was being pushy... All i have to say is.....what the heck? And i question myself...am i a horrible person? But then i remember how hard i work to not start problems and i wonder if it is me or not. I just do not understand his need to act this way. I told him our relationship would be better if he would ease up a bit on me and he refuses to see he is doing anything wrong. OMG! This guy is a complete jerk! You are letting him walk all over you! Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 This is ridiculous, normal men are not like this, you know. What other men in your life behave like this, like you are just a stupid servant? Are you financially dependent on him or have nobody, no family, no friends, no car, no job, no money nowhere to live or stay? Why do you stay.... there must be a reason?.i am always careful what i say, as not to set him off Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 After i posted this yesterday, we were sitting outside talking...i am always careful what i say, as not to set him off... He was telling me his stomach was borhering him. He had once mentioned that coffee creamer set his stomach off, and i knew he had eaten ice cream earlier, so i asked him if he ever thought about him being lactose intolerant...he said no, that he wasnt, so i just told him it was just something that came into my mind. Later that night it came out again. He said that i was out of line. That he knew his body, and he was not lactose intolerant and he was angry because he said i was being pushy... All i have to say is.....what the heck? And i question myself...am i a horrible person? But then i remember how hard i work to not start problems and i wonder if it is me or not. I just do not understand his need to act this way. I told him our relationship would be better if he would ease up a bit on me and he refuses to see he is doing anything wrong. Have you ever just told him to stop his nonsense? Link to comment
karen6786 Posted June 13, 2016 Author Share Posted June 13, 2016 Yes, i have called him on this behavior and he just denies he is doing anything wrong. I have a child who is 7. He has health issues. I also have no family for supporr, i cant have a full time job because of my son...so ya, im kinda dependant. And the odd thing is, he is great to my son. Thats good, yet i dont understand why he treats me so poorly. He always says women are crazy. And he says ' all of them'. I pray about this alot, that it will get better. I just wish i could make him see how much i am hurting. Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 Karen. I feel for you, truly. But this cannot go on. It is abuse no matter how you look at it. Is this the life you want for yourself? He won't "see" anything, because it suits him to abuse and he does it because he can. He thinks you can't leave, and therefore he can treat you anyway he likes. You will end up having health issues yourself if this continues. Time to reach a decision. There's a book you can look up: "Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Randi Kreger Link to comment
karen6786 Posted June 13, 2016 Author Share Posted June 13, 2016 When i do call him on it, he says he is tired of it and threatens to leave. Or, i get the cold shoulder for several days. It sucks to deal with that too. Like today, i dont get a call on his lunch as i usually do. He wont respond to a text. It seems, sadly enough, that the only thing that i can do to make him come out of it is sex. Then i get treated great, until i say or do something wrong again. Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 Karen. Are you unable to see that this is abuse and you are being abused, and manipulated? The silent treatment is also a form of abuse. Difficult as it may seem to you now you will have no option but to seek a better life for yourself and your child. "he threatens to leave". Well that would be good news for you. Next time he says that just say: "the door is over there". Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 Yes, i have called him on this behavior and he just denies he is doing anything wrong. I have a child who is 7. He has health issues. I also have no family for supporr, i cant have a full time job because of my son...so ya, im kinda dependant. And the odd thing is, he is great to my son. Thats good, yet i dont understand why he treats me so poorly. He always says women are crazy. And he says ' all of them'. I pray about this alot, that it will get better. I just wish i could make him see how much i am hurting. See, the thing is you have zero control over changing him and what he has ingrained... it's the essence of him. The good news is, you have 100% control over you, what you do, how you react to his BS and how you can stop enabling him to treat you like he has been. That being said, since you are at a loss on how to change YOU, why not get yourself into some personal therapy so that you have someone who can help you to change the things you have control over and giving up on trying to change the things you have no control over? You are not trapped. Thinking they are trapped where they are is the dogma of all abused people, so it seems. Contact an abused woman's hotline (google for a number in your town/city) if you are unable to get therapy. They will guide you on ways out and to the social services that can facilitate your release from this prison you believe you find yourself in. Good luck. YOU have to do the work you need to do to fix this. There is no magic button to push or any dialogue that you can discuss with him that will get him to see how he hurts you or that he needs help himself to get him out of what he has been brainwashed to believe. Link to comment
karen6786 Posted June 13, 2016 Author Share Posted June 13, 2016 I will buy the book. Thank you, and i know i cant keep doing this....i just dont know how i will survive if i dont. I truly wish i could die on many days. But this cannot go on. It is abuse no matter how you look at it. Is this the life you want for yourself? He won't "see" anything, because it suits him to abuse and he does it because he can. He thinks you can't leave, and therefore he can treat you anyway he likes. You will end up having health issues yourself if this continues. Time to reach a decision. There's a book you can look up: "Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Randi Kreger Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 Karen. No one, but no one, is worth dying for, I assure you. You are getting good advice here, so take it. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 You are not doing your child any favors. Your child is absorbing this, and is seeing how to mistreat women. Terrible environment. You are not helpless! Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 When i do call him on it, he says he is tired of it and threatens to leave. Or, i get the cold shoulder for several days. It sucks to deal with that too. Like today, i dont get a call on his lunch as i usually do. He wont respond to a text. It seems, sadly enough, that the only thing that i can do to make him come out of it is sex. Then i get treated great, until i say or do something wrong again. You enable him by "rewarding" him for treating you with disrespect. Please stop being afraid he's going to leave you. Please stop having sex with him so that HE feels better and you get temporary reprieve from the abuse... doing what you're doing is training him to disrespect you because when he does, you reward him. Link to comment
karen6786 Posted June 13, 2016 Author Share Posted June 13, 2016 You are all so right. Its time for me to stand up for myself. I will let you all know how it goes. I really appreciate this. I can see that it is abuse and it needs to stop. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 You are all so right. Its time for me to stand up for myself. I will let you all know how it goes. I really appreciate this. I can see that it is abuse and it needs to stop. How do you plan on "getting it to stop?" If you think you can facilitate that without having to leave him or without him getting the professional help he so needs, then you're planning the wrong strategy, luv. Whatever you do, don't put yourself in any physical danger. Best to contact that abused woman's hotline before you plan a thing. Keep us updated on your well being. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 I agree with That. Simply standing up for yourself will not make a difference. This guy needs to acknowledge a problem and get help. You need to think in terms of a life change, as this guy will not change by you simply speaking up. Link to comment
karen6786 Posted June 13, 2016 Author Share Posted June 13, 2016 I will tell him i wont accept the behavior and that he needs to get help. And yes, if he theatens to leave, ill show him where the door is. Im not sure how i will eat and pay ny bills, but starving is better than this. Link to comment
gypsybird87 Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 Has he always treated you this way? If so I'd question why you got engaged and moved in together... If not, this sounds a lot like my ex-husband, who is a classic narcissist. He reached the 'devaluation' phase and began picking fights with me over the stupidest little things. It was NEVER his fault, always mine. I thought I was going crazy. Though I didn't know it, he was deeply in an affair and planning his exit from the marriage. You need to end this relationship immediately, but carefully. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 He will laugh at this and it will backfire. And you will probably stay because you need the financial support and even sadder...you think he will change.I will tell him i wont accept the behavior and that he needs to get help. Im not sure how i will eat and pay ny bills, but starving is better than this. Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 You'll survive Karen. No use trying to reason with this individual (and I am with Gypsy's post on this one). Also I get the impression he is trying to make life so difficult for you and so hoping that you will leave. Whose house/apartment is it? Link to comment
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