Is my boyfriend's porn addiction a deal breaker?

[idhac]

Not really sure where to start. I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 2 years, I'm 20 and he's 25. During the time that we've been together, he's opened up about his issues with porn and i've always struggled to deal with this. He says that he started watching porn at a very young age, and became very compulsive about it, watching it multiple times a day. He has been trying to quit watching porn for 18 months now, however never makes it very long (generally a week or so at a time before binging again and starting all over again) and I'll often get sent messages about how he's "relapsed again" and how it makes him feel.

 

Now I love my boyfriend, but i'm going to be honest: the fact that he's addicted to watching internet porn grosses me out. I understand that most guys watch it, but they don't choose to turn down actual sex in favour of watching it. My boyfriend wants to talk about his issues with porn a lot, and as he's supported me through some of my issues with depression and anxiety, i feel like i owe it to him to help him get through this. It just makes me feel really bad, and I find myself comparing myself to these perfect, artificial porn stars on screen. He knows it makes me feel bad, yet doesn't seem to every fully commit to quitting.

 

A few weeks ago, I was in a bad place and told him I needed time. This wasn't solely due to his porn use, we had other issues and my depression has been bad lately which can cause me to withdraw somewhat, however we met up yesterday and he admitted that his reaction to us taking a break was to drink and watch porn compulsively in an effort to "numb" himself. I've said we can try again, but with the condition that he has to treat his addiction as it is: an actual addiction, to be dealt with as seriously as a drug addiction or any other serious problem. If I'm willing to take medication and attend therapy for my mental health, why can't be do the same with his addiction? He's said he will, but at this point I don't know if i can be there to support him through this. I'm so sick of hearing about his porn use, and it affects literally every aspect of our relationship. He states that he knows porn isn't like real sex, and doesn't expect it to be, but honestly I find it hard to take his compliments seriously when I know for a fact he gets off on degrading videos of women on the internet. He's admitted that he didn't take the issue as seriously as he should have, and says he will change. I understand addiction, and know that this isn't his fault. But whilst I can be sympathetic to drug users and gamblers etc, I'm at the point where his addiction makes me feel sick. I don't want to leave him, but I also don't want to remain in a relationship clouded by pornography. I want him to be attracted to ME, he says he loves me and won't let this hurt me yet doesn't act like it.

 

I guess my question is, can I be there to support him rationally? Has anyone been in a similar situation and dealt with it successfully? I truly love my boyfriend, but at this point i think his porn use may be a deal breaker for me. Would it be unfair to tell him to sort it out before we try our relationship again? He's supported me through some of the roughest points of my life, but I don't know if i can do the same for him. This is also my first relationship so I don't have experience in what to expect, I guess.

 

Thank you in advance for any advice.

[reinventmyself]

It sounds like you are rationalizing and ought to overlook his addiction because you have anxiety and depression.

What a cycle of misery that must be and I can't help how much of your emotional well being is affected by maintaining a relationship with an addict.

 

I understand that most guys watch it, but they don't choose to turn down actual sex in favour of watching it

You didn't come right out and say so but by this statement one can assume that he'll favor porn over sex with you?

 

There is a difference between those that `like' to watch porn and those who `have to'

 

What exactly is he doing to help his addiction, other than talking about it. Is he getting any outside help?

Meanwhile it sounds like you are begin proactive with your issues.

 

It just sounds like a circular sadness with no ending, while you both tolerate and justify your shortcomings which in turn exacerbate each other.

 

To answer your question? How do you support him? Sounds like you have. Has it made any difference so far?

He needs to help himself. You can't fix him.

[Wiseman2]

Standing on the sidelines sexless is not helping him and it's destroying you. Unfortunately if you want to think of this as a "real addiction" then you will have to walk the walk and go no contact, no enabling (going sexless, "understanding", etc.).

 

This part would be a complete deal breaker 6566897] choose to turn down actual sex in favour of watching it.

[j.man]

How often do you two have sex?

[idhac]

Thank you for replying.

 

He has zero outside help, and stubbornly said for ages that treatment for pornography addiction doesn't exist. I believed that, but recently I've done my research and found out that its classed as a type of sex addiction, which can be treated with CBT, counselling etc. I've told him this and he says he'll "look into it" but I fear that his embarrassment over the issue will stop him actually doing anything.

 

I'd say if i were there and we were both feeling like sex, he'd choose sex over porn. But whenever I go away, or can't stay with him for whatever reason, he tends to relapse because of loneliness, which I know i'm not responsible for.. yet anxiety is a , and i tend to feel guilty over a lot of things out of my control. I think you're right though.. I'm rationalising. I guess I'm just scared that if I put my foot down, he won't be able to quit, and essentially will choose porn over me.

[idhac]

How often do you two have sex?

 

Recently, not often. Once every 2,3 weeks, maybe? It used to be more often, but these days its just trailed off

[Wiseman2]

He doesn't want to stop. So now in addition to no sex, no intimacy, you two are in a power struggle about whether it's a treatable addiction or not? Sorry there is a lot more wrong than excessive porn... that seems like the tip of the iceberg.

 

Focus on your own health and issues rather than getting obsessed with fixing him in order to distract yourself from some of your own real issues/challenges. Talk to your therapist about ending this.

He has zero outside help, and stubbornly said for ages that treatment for pornography addiction doesn't exist.

[Pixels]

Honestly, this doesn't sound like an addiction to me... Just a guy who feels ashamed about his personal pass-time... Of course, personal distress is a qualifier for diagnosis, because diagnostic guidelines have to be pretty black and white...

 

Once every 2-3 weeks is perfectly normal, if that's how the compatibility goes and you just aren't both in the mood or have the energy more often. Using porn multiple times a day is perfectly normal as well. Attempting to stop use without much success is perfectly normal, especially when it's guilt-based. Unless he has withdrawal symptoms when he's physically prevented (ie. On vacation with no physical access to it), I'm pretty tempted to say he's just conditioned himself to think something normal is a psychiatric disorder.

[Hermes]

Er, Op says:

 

"Once every 2,3 weeks, maybe"

[Pixels]

Thanks, I caught the mistake and corrected it. Still normal though, if that's just how it plays out. It's entirely different if he's actively putting off sex and rejecting her in favour of porn though.

 

Edit: re-reading it seems pretty clear it's causing problems in your relationship, and you're obviously not happy with it and he says he isn't either.

 

So yeah, if it's that big of a problem then he either gets help and you see it through without letting him make excuses, or you face that you're not happy with the relationship and just do right by yourself. Either way he wont change unless he actually wants to and starta taking responsibility for it.

[lostandhurt]

He needs to want to get help for himself, not because you have given him an ultimatum, other wise it will not be real or lasting.

 

To say someone is addicted needs to be done by a trained doctor/therapist. Here is the quick version of addiction, does he have these?

 

Addiction is characterized by:

a.Inability to consistently Abstain;

b.Impairment in Behavioral control;

c.Craving; or increased “hunger” for drugs or rewarding experiences;

d.Diminished recognition of significant problems with one’s behaviors and interpersonal relationships; and

e.A dysfunctional Emotional response.

 

Either way I think you cannot force him to quit and now the only thing keeping you there is your love for him and that will not last much longer. You have only been together 2 years and are still very young. I am sorry but he seems he has already chosen porn over you.

 

Lost

[BlarneyStone]

He needs to want to get help for himself, not because you have given him an ultimatum, other wise it will not be real or lasting.

 

To say someone is addicted needs to be done by a trained doctor/therapist. Here is the quick version of addiction, does he have these?

 

Addiction is characterized by:

a.Inability to consistently Abstain;

b.Impairment in Behavioral control;

c.Craving; or increased “hunger” for drugs or rewarding experiences;

d.Diminished recognition of significant problems with one’s behaviors and interpersonal relationships; and

e.A dysfunctional Emotional response.

 

Either way I think you cannot force him to quit and now the only thing keeping you there is your love for him and that will not last much longer. You have only been together 2 years and are still very young. I am sorry but he seems he has already chosen porn over you.

 

Lost

Came to post this. The only person who can help him is himself. The amount of sex the two of you have won't make any difference. He has to want to get better.

[Lucia Amman]

I've had similar problems with my ex partner and yes his porn behavior was part of the reason why I broke up with him. We were together for eight years and sometimes it was all good and nothing out of the ordinary but my ex was eventually way too affected by porn that having sex with him felt wrong. I can't go into details or explain it very properly for that matter. Porn affects people very differently and I wouldn't say my ex was addicted necessarily but it just affected him too much. He was seeking for more and more thrills, because normal porn wouldn't get him off anymore. I occasionally would bump into porn sites because he didn't properly turned off the computer (we shared and both used the main computer). The last time He hadn't even closed off the site, I just sat behind our computer, moved the mouse and saw a whole porn site in full glory. That was the moment I broke up with him. I had confronted him enough and asked him to change or be more careful for that matter. We have two young kids and I couldn't imagining them accidentally opening the computer and see all that stuff. I realize that it is now out of my hands more than ever since they see their dad in the weekends and I'm not there but now at least it wouldn't be 'my fault'. I realize you aren't facing any problems with kids hanging around your boyfriends computer/laptop or whatever. But if you ever consider having children in the future with this guy, I'm sorry to advice to think twice about that.

Besides my kids I also faced with the problem I sense you're feeling too: he is watching degrading porn and you are probably feel a bit dirty for having sex with someone who you also feel is 'gross' (your words). I can only speak for myself but I felt starting to feel less and less sexy and more and more gross because we had sex with each other while I knew what he was watching. In the end we hardly ever had sex and while he accused me of being a-sexual, cold and our relationship wasn't normal etc I was accusing him for being a pervert, porn-addicted and out of touch with reality for not realizing what normal is. Obviously there was no winning with both these accusations. It was only after I broke up, months later, that he briefly told me that I was right and he had searched for professional help for his porn-addiction (as he called it himself).

Any addiction just has such a huge impact on a romantic relationship. For me this definitely became a deal breaker for any future partner. I've dealt with it for far too long and it's just not worth it to be honest.

[Itchy]

People should just put a web filter on their PC's and be done with pornography.

[Lucia Amman]

People should just put a web filter on their PC's and be done with pornography.

 

Oh no! I LOVE pornography! but seeing this forum and how many people suffer from pornography wether it is an addiction or not, I understand your viewpoint. But just like not all smokers are addicted to their cigarets and not everyone who drinks beer is an alcoholic I think porn has its own time a place for most people too.

 

I think most people are not addicted to porn and use it in a healthy way. I only watch porn a few times a month, not at all excessively and when I've watched one movie I'm pretty much done with porn for at least 48hours. I can do without porn for weeks even months and be fine and not missing it at all. For me (and I guess a lot of people) it's just a way to pleasure myself or me and my partner (I love to watch it together).

 

It's when it becomes excessive and one uses porn as a frame for what it should look like in reality that it becomes out of hand.

[catfeeder]

Is my boyfriend's porn addiction a deal breaker?

 

I can only speak for myself, and my purpose in dating wouldn't be to find someone to rehab. It makes no sense to debate definitions of addiction or split hairs on whatever someone else views as normal. If something is problem for you, then it's a problem for you. You get to decide whether playing social worker with a BF is a productive use of your time.