Can't Read Through Him

[MoonandBack]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm in the early stages of a relationship, and have a couple things I'd like to get some opinions on. I've been seeing a really great guy for the past three months. We only became an "official pair" a month ago, though it was becoming apparent that a relationship was on the horizon prior to that moment.

 

I should mention that any prior relationship I've had, the partner was quite dynamic in their expression for how they felt, and needed constant reassurance about what the relationship was. This time, I found myself with someone much more low key in that regard- very much a mentality of "you and I both know what's going on, and I'm confident enough that I don't need to talk about it", which is fine with me. I'd rather be in a situation where we can just relax and allow the relationship to unfold as it's meant to unfold.

 

He pays attention- very action oriented, rather than trying to win me over with words. Another great thing!

I was invited to a Memorial Day picnic with some of his family.

We are planning a small trip together next month

He makes "we" based comments a lot- "We will need to try this restaurant" or "I will have to make that for you" etc

*all things that point in the right direction**

 

But sometimes he makes passing comments like- "I've corrupted you for your next boyfriend" or "You're gonna meet someone more attractive"

 

To me, that seems deep rooted in insecurity about why I'd be interested in him. That's what I take away from that. I've tried bringing it up, but he gets very nervous and awkward when I try to have an emotional moment. He will engage in conversation, but it's apparent that he just wants to answer my question and get back to being "chill". Actually, any time I make an attempt to have a real, deep moment, he kind of gets stiff, almost afraid to let himself let his guard down. I'm not the type to be over expressive and dramatic, but I have my moments where I want it to be okay to be vulnerable.

 

Does anyone have any imput on a comment like that? Again, the physical actions all point in the right direction, but his communication style confuses me. Thank you.

[Wiseman2]

It's very early, maybe a bit too early for trying to draw deep meaning out of this. "We will" doesn't mean anything because it is not in real-time or a real concrete plan. It sounds like he's thinking this relationship is in the moment.

He will engage in conversation, but it's apparent that he just wants to answer my question and get back to being "chill".

[tina-rocks]

I agree, it's early days for you both and you only became official a month ago. You are still getting to know each other and suggestions of we are a good sign of inclusion. I understand why you are a little concerned about him saying I've corrupted you for your next boyfriend, as it can easily be misinterpreted, but I think this was probably just a case of engaging mouth, before brain, so to speak. He probably thought he was having a laugh with you. His not wanting to address this, is probably because he realised he had said words that came out wrong. That or he doesn't see its a big deal.

 

Give yourselves more time to understand each other.

[DancingFool]

Could be insecurities, could be he is just joking around. What is obvious is that you don't know him enough to know which is which. So your relationship is still very new and also still cruising on the surface. A bit too early for deep emotional conversations, especially of the where is this going and how serious are you about me nature. His avoidance of that kind of talk is telling you that you are moving faster than he is.

 

Also, you need to be honest with yourself that you do need more verbal affirmation in the relationship for you to feel secure than what you are getting. So maybe if you approach it that way, you'll get what you need better. Something along the lines of I appreciate you planning x, but sometimes I really need to hear that you like with just words.

[Pixels]

Who knows... Maybe he's legitimately self-conscious about his looks?

 

Maybe he had bad previous relationship experiences (maybe even emotional abuse)?

 

Maybe he doesn't want to think about having a serious relationship with all the work and long-term commitment, and the expectation that the relationship has to undergo a particular set of phases and progress towards an ultimate goal, or else it should end?

 

I'd probably just keep it on your radar... No sense nagging him, and it's early so who knows. Just don't forget about it completely.

[realistic1817]

Hmm has he ever talked to you about his past relationships? It sounds like he has been hurt before and still has his guard up with you. The comment leads me to suspect he is conditioning himself for when you leave him. This way if you do leave him he will be more in control of his emotions by expecting it. A conversation is needed in the future. Do not push the subject for now, but just know there might be some type of emotional blockage/wall up on his end as a means to protect himself from being hurt.

[MoonandBack]

Hmm has he ever talked to you about his past relationships? It sounds like he has been hurt before and still has his guard up with you. The comment leads me to suspect he is conditioning himself for when you leave him. This way if you do leave him he will be more in control of his emotions by expecting it. A conversation is needed in the future. Do not push the subject for now, but just know there might be some type of emotional blockage/wall up on his end as a means to protect himself from being hurt.

 

 

He has mentioned that he is the type to get attached pretty easily, but also burned just as fast.

[Wiseman2]

This is a red flag to pay attention to. He may just want the infatuation high with all the quick romantic lines about how the honey "will" flow in the future, but he's warned you he's not in for any long haul.

He has mentioned that he is the type to get attached pretty easily, but also burned just as fast.

[lostandhurt]

Maybe he is trying not to make the same mistakes he has in the past with to deep of conversations.

 

Remember when you said you prefer to just let the relationship unfold as it is supposed to? How about giving him time to open up to you on his terms, not yours.

 

He is not the other guys you have dated so don't over analyze him to much to soon. Now in a few more months if he hasn't opened up and allowed himself to be vulnerable then there could be a problem if you really need your man to be like that. You could literally drive a nail through my hand and I can take it but certain emotional situations can drop me to my knees. No one is perfect, give him a chance to be who he is.

 

Lost

[MoonandBack]

This is a red flag to pay attention to. He may just want the infatuation high with all the quick romantic lines about how the honey "will" flow in the future, but he's warned you he's not in for any long haul.

 

Burned by people he attempted to date, I mean. Not burned out of them.

[Jibralta]

But sometimes he makes passing comments like- "I've corrupted you for your next boyfriend" or "You're gonna meet someone more attractive"

 

To me, that seems deep rooted in insecurity about why I'd be interested in him. That's what I take away from that. I've tried bringing it up, but he gets very nervous and awkward when I try to have an emotional moment. He will engage in conversation, but it's apparent that he just wants to answer my question and get back to being "chill". Actually, any time I make an attempt to have a real, deep moment, he kind of gets stiff, almost afraid to let himself let his guard down. I'm not the type to be over expressive and dramatic, but I have my moments where I want it to be okay to be vulnerable.

 

He may just be trying to gauge your overall attitude towards the relationship in a lighthearted way, hence his discomfort when you try to go deeper.

[notalady]

What kind of deep conversations are you trying to have?

 

Feels to me like he doesn't want to make an emotional connection, just a superficial one.

[MoonandBack]

What kind of deep conversations are you trying to have?

 

Feels to me like he doesn't want to make an emotional connection, just a superficial one.

 

 

Maybe I worded all of it wrong. The "deep connection" I was trying to have was a simple matter of wanting to know if we were on the same page with what we wanted to do.

[Wiseman2]

As you point out, constant "where are we" talks can be more draining than reassuring.

any prior relationship I've had, the partner was quite dynamic in their expression for how they felt, and needed constant reassurance about what the relationship was.

[catfeeder]

You don't need to bring it up. Next time he opens the door by making such a comment, don't blow it off. Ask him what he means. And listen.