we dating but what are his intentions-mixed signals

[irka000]

It is me again...with the same man.

We spent a lovely Saturday afternoon exploring the city. He planned nicely and paid for everything. He told me he has birthday on Tuesday - so out of the blue. I asked if he want us to celebrate a bit. He said he is not big on bdays.....so after long hours out, we bought some take away and went to his place.It was my first visit at his place and ..I guess our 6 -7th date.

We kissed a lot and cuddle...when he wanted a bit more - I said that anything more is only for my boyfriend. He said -he respect that....we watched a movie and we kissed again. He started again and I said again the same. I said I would feel uncomfortable being intimate with him knowing he is still on dating website ....he said" I want to be with somebody..." I was a bit puzzled when he said..."somebody" ( I was thinking - so why don't you kiss with somebody...) than he awkwardly said "with you.." but this was soooo awkward....

then he said it is early on...I said I know but if it is not early for being intimate -shouldn't be early for talking about it and that I want a man to be sure about me ...no ambivalence.

He said being intimate (not all the way) is part of getting to know each other....and that our kisses are VERY intimate. So we are already being intimate.

 

We watched a movie and he asked me to sleep over (it was 1am), just to cuddle. I said -no-he said he understand if I don't feel comfortable...so he took me home.

 

My friend said I probably scared him off...cornered him ....cause looked like am desperate for relationship...do you agree???????

 

Is it better to sleep with him and than wondering what are his plans/ intentions?

I am confused ....cause he wants to be with somebody ...but not sure if that somebody is ME....poor guy had no choice but to say -with me ...after he saw my surprised face....

Then the bday bit ...he does not include me at all in any sort of celebration...even bday drink....

I texted him wishes -he thanked me.

 

I am gutted...........any advice?

[notalady]

I think you stood your ground pretty well, good on you. You stand by your personal values and boundaries (sex only when you know you're in a relationship with him).

 

I also think you need new friends.. Honestly, "scared him off"? If he's serious about you he wouldn't be scared off. And nothing desperate about having firm boundaries and being able to say no. Men will only respect you for it. If they run away because of it, they weren't into you to begin with.

 

Poor guy? What about poor you?! I would've been insulted by his statement and just leave after that. And never see him again.

 

That was very telling that he said he wanted to be with SOMEBODY. Note he didn't say he wanted a relationship, he didn't say he wanted to be in a relationship with you. I take his statement to mean he wants the companionship of someone, anyone. Which means he wants to have sex with and maybe hang out with a woman, but not necessarily you and not in a committed relationship.

[irka000]

Notalady....thank you so much!

 

I am beating myself up all weekend....my friend said I came up with all that too early on ...but when I supposed to say if we were both kissing and cuddling....after we actually did more??

then sleeping over is amazing thing but how I would feel in the morning? I bet he was too tired to drop me home rather than wanted to be close to me all night .....we were both shattered after all day...but I decided to go home. Didn't feel right ...since Saturday I didn't hear from him -except that he thanked me for birthday wishes....that's it. So we don't get any closer....am even thinking -if he will be really scared off - so be it ....BY the way..when he said about me sleeping over - he said again- it would be nice to have company ....and I said - I don't want to be a just company for anyone...

then he took it back.....he was very awkward with words ....

not sure what will happen now...if he wont contact me -that's fine -says it all

I do like him more and more but will not lower my standards to adjust to his...thank you so much Notalady- I thought I came across as desperate for relationship....for wanting him to commit etc

[notalady]

It may be bit early for the exclusivity talk for some, but if he wanted to take things to the next level, the talk needed to be had. It's great that you won't lower your standards in terms of when you would have sex with someone. Trust me, it wouldn't have felt good if you just went with it then feel uncertain as to what you are, then have him tell you he's not sure yet or that he just wanted company. In fact, it feels pretty crappy. So good on you that you stood your ground.

 

In all honesty though, I think he's revealed what he's really looking for, in action and words. So I wouldn't stay any longer, I'd move on. Him continuing to push for sex despite you said no and despite he claim he respect you, also did not speak well to his character.

[irka000]

If he will happen to ask me out again ....what do I do ?? I am still unclear about his intention...maybe he wants to take things slow ....maybe he felt cornered and felt pressured- that these things should come from him , rather then be "forced" to say them at wrong time for him....he also said that when he sees someone -he only see one person at time....that he is not 21- he is 38

do I meet him again? Do I kiss and cuddle and have same conversation all over again once we will start kisses etc???

I am sooo confused...............not sure how to take it from here

[notalady]

How is he wanting to take things if he wants to have sex? That's not taking things slow.

 

Also how is it forced? So if he asked you the same question, it's not "forced", if you ask him, it is? Any party can initiate the exclusivity talk, it doesn't have to be the guy.

 

His statement about age means nothing. Whatever it even means. Anyone at any age can want a serious relationship and conversely, can want something casual. I know men in their late 30s 40s not wanting anything serious and I know guys wanting to marry the love of their life at 21 (and did).

 

If you want to go on more dates with him to suss it out, that's fine, but have dates outside, not at anyone's home, so that he can't try the same trick again. Tell him you want to have more dates outside to get to know each other, and don't want to be in a situation where sex might happen until such a time that you both agree you want to be in a relationship, because as you've already said, you only have sex in a serious relationship.

 

But if he tried to convince you otherwise, or "subtly" try to get you to go to him place again, I would immediately cut him off. You've stated your boundaries multiple times, if he can't respect it, he's not worth dating.

[irka000]

That's an amazing advice Notalady ! Forever grateful!!!!!

[QueenOfDating]

Your communication is a problem. You both need to talk to each other in a way that you both understand each other. No guessing. If you are interested in him, then let him know. And ask if he is interested in you.

[greta96]

I second everything notalady said, she is right on.

Your friend is either not all that smart, or she doesn't have your best interest at heart, because the advice she/he gave you was absolute cr@p. Since when standing up for your beliefs and keeping firm, healthy boundaries mean you are desperate for a relationship? No, desperate would have been if you gave in and had sex with the guy, even if you thought it was too early and you were unsure about his intentions with you. Especially after the stupid thing he said to you about wanting to be with somebody (meaning, anybody who wanted to give him some sex). Now that would have been desperate and would have ended with you hurt.

 

Good for you for handling yourself the way you did, it was really the perfect way to go about the situation. I wish more people took your example!

Now don't second guess yourself for a second. The guy sounds very non-committal, and having sex with him now would be just a terrible idea. You didn't pressure him at all, you just stated what your standards were and if it wasn't too early for him to expect sex, then it surely wasn't too early for you to bring up the fact that you only have sex with your boyfriends.

 

I personally wouldn't go out with this guy anymore, but if you want to continue getting to know him, make sure you don't sleep with him until he shows you with actions (not words!) that he is very interested in a relationship with you. Until then, all dates need to be away from his or your place, and need to stay non sexual. And by the way, kissing is nowhere near as intimate as sex, it's pathetic that a 38 year old man would say such an idiotic thing just to pressure you into having sex.

 

I don't have a good feeling about this dude, but if you insist on seeing him, proceed with caution and don't lower your standards for him. Eyes and ears wide open, and watch the feet not the mouth.

[Elouise]

Bravo to you for not giving in. Thought I'd share my experience. My friends talked me out of breaking up with the guy I was dating multiple times, telling me the red flags I was picking up on were in my head and that he was a good guy and was into me. They said this because they were thrilled I'd found someone I liked and wanted to see me happy. Like yours he was a gentleman, kind, attentive, paid for everything, even drove across the city to pick me for our dates. He wanted to take things slow, however the taking it slow didn't apply to physical intimacy...my mistake for allowing it to go there. We had a six month exclusive relationship though he never once referred to me or introduced me as anything more than his friend. He was lonely and I was a placeholder for the woman he was really into. Hearing a man you have feelings for say "You're the type of woman I could fall in love with someday, but I don't have a time table on that" is gut-wrenching.

 

Hold your ground with him. Not sleeping with him is NOT a mistake. PS: Mine made minimal effort on my birthday...delivered flowers to my work himself but didn't stick around to say hi and didn't even suggest that we meet up that night. I also had to talk him into spending NYE with me. Had I not slept with him I like to believe I'd have been able to see things more clearly and would have remained open to finding someone who appreciates the woman I am.

[Wiseman2]

You told him you preferred to go slower, which is fine. Avoid netflix and chill dates at his place to avoid awkwardness if you don't want to be intimate. If you want to be exclusive and intimate, initiate that conversation.

It was my first visit at his place He said being intimate (not all the way) is part of getting to know each other....and that our kisses are VERY intimate. and he asked me to sleep over I said -no-so he took me home.Then the bday bit ...he does not include me at all in any sort of celebration.

[Ms Darcy]

Well, I am just going to go against the grain and say I don't really understand why you went over to this guy's apartment late at night and started making out with him in the first place. Of course you always have the right to say no. But we also have to exercise common sense.

 

He has made it clear that he thinks sex is part of getting to know someone. You said sex is for your bf. Those are two different values. So, no it doesn't make sense to me to see someone who might use sex as part of his decision-making process to be with you. That would really mess your head up. I'd advise you to stop going out with him.

 

I doubt you will though. You sound pretty eager to make him your bf.

[irka000]

Thank you all for your input- all much appreciated.

Notalady -thanks a million -again.

Elouise...thank you for sharing your story...I was once also seeing a man who behaved like a boyfriend but he wasn't ...I thought it is obvious. He didn't. That's why I promised myself to be more clear in the future so there is no confusion.( but here...still is )

Greta....thank you so much...I was hoping that you may share your opinion on my story....thank you.

If he will contact me again and asked me out, I will do what Notalady & Wiseman suggested - dates outside the house. I am willing to give it a go as I do like him and he is putting more effort into dates each time we see each other. He even bought me a tiny teddy bear as an apology for not escorting me to station at previous date.

Ms Darcy...I do see your point, we were out for all afternoon and he told me that there is the best take away chicken near his place. (and it was true)He did say that he really means just to eat in his place, cuddle and kisses. Nothing more. He said it himself. It was around 9pm and I was dying for this chicken ...and his kisses. Yes...but not more than that. I guess you right, I should have avoided his place. This way, we wouldn't have any issue today.

 

I really like the guy ...and I feel that he isn't just all about sex...but I do feel like he may felt pressured and because that didn't come naturally from him ( conversation about us/sex) - he is a bit put off ..or I killed momentum- the beginnings are so fragile! .....I know that men don't like to be pushed -they prefer if this comes from them-without a nudge ...I probably came across as someone who gives an ultimatum......

also- so far, he was sort of chasing for my time, I dare to say - it felt like he put me on pedestal (not on the highest level lol), making plans and dates in advance....However- I have a feeling that he will relax now, cause he knows I like him and I want relationship with him.... that he "got me"....

....whatever the outcome - I will be fine.

[missmarple]

His intention is to sleep with you and not much else.

[Wiseman2]

So what is your end game here? Are you not ready for intimacy or not? Does he know where you stand? Do you know where you want to go with this? Do you want to be sure you're exclusive? Do just want something to do?

I am willing to give it a go as I do like him and he is putting more effort into dates each time we see each other. we were out for all afternoon and he told me that there is the best take away chicken near his place. It was around 9pm and I was dying for this chicken ...and his kisses. Yes...but not more than that.

[reinventmyself]

I just wanted to jump in here and add - that I have been in your shoes and trying to decode the actions and subtle feedback as well as feeling conflicted and confused.

 

But . . On the other side, when a man is on the same page as you . . there isn't all this ambiguity and posturing. You just know.

You ask a question and get a clear response. He has enough interest that he clearly states his position. His actions support it as well.

 

Pretty sure you shared with him that you won't take it further as long as he's online shopping? But he's still shopping?

You have your answer.

 

It shouldn't be so difficult and when you feel like you are trying to sell him something more than once, that's your queue to bail.

 

This feels like a chess game. Move, counter move.

It seems you both have different agendas.

[Wiseman2]

Are you both dating others? Do you think he'll find someone on the dating sites who is the same speed as he is?

I said I would feel uncomfortable being intimate with him knowing he is still on dating website ....he said" I want to be with somebody..."

[reinventmyself]

I think the key here is to stop trying to figure out what HE wants.

 

It's time to put that focus on you and what you want and based on all the information he's provided after 7 dates, does this work for you?

You get to make a choice here. It's not all up to him getting to decide whether he takes this to the next level or not.

 

You keep giving him chances to do the right thing when in actuality it's your personal responsibility - based on the information at hand to take care of yourself.

[Ms Darcy]

I think you missed my point. I think you could have the bf label with him, have sex with him, and expect the relationship to last many months if not years.

 

I think he's saying he hasn't decided who he wants his gf to be and he'd like to have sex with you in addition to other things to figure it out.

 

Telling him "no" establishes your own boundary but doesn't recognize his. He has a boundary too and so the question is will someone give in to what the other person wants or will someone just end it?

[Wiseman2]

Agree...He's wining and dining hoping to get lucky someday and she seems to like the chicken place near him.

This feels like a chess game. Move, counter move.

It seems you both have different agendas.

[irka000]

Thank you All....

I really like him and like being intimate with him....but I don't want to sleep with him just yet....until I know -we are together. He was not insisting on going all the way....lets say he wanted to touched my skin ...and I agreed only to kissing and cuddling ...sure, he was hoping I will let go, but seemed ok with it.

I have no idea if it is too early for him to decide if he wants to be with me, he said he wants to be "with somebody " than he added "with you" but that was not very convincing.

I like him and would like this to give it a go....

when we are meeting - it is great, we have an amazing time (far better than on fist few meetings) than he barely communicate via texts during the week and am feeling confused.

Reinventmyslef (thank youuuuu )I did say that I would feel bad knowing that am being intimate with him and he is still on line....and that I want a man to be sure about me...I don't and wont convince a man ...shouldn't have to....he was listening. I don't know how many more dates does he need to be sure.... especially if we barely communicate during the week.

 

I was just hoping things will progress naturally...and I must say the dates are much better- he comes up with great ideas (except that chicken lol) how to spend time, he pays for the dates and ask me out in advance -confirming time and place as gentleman would. Almost by the book....that is why am willing to see him again to see ....I wont be intimate with him - I will stay away from take away chickens near his place lol

He normally asks me out on Wednesdays...if he wont ask me today - I will be very busy this weekend.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds a little bit like games. You mention "he was listening". What does that mean to you? That he is no longer on dating sites? Or has had the "exclusive" conversation?

 

How did he respond to this? did say that I would feel bad knowing that am being intimate with him and he is still on line.

[irka000]

He sort of said between lines that if he will be properly with somebody he will delete profile...I gathered it has to come from him ...he was not comfortable being told such thing...I said that I see that he is unsure and I want man to be sure about it...and that we will continue all this intimate stuff once he is sure....

we left it at that... he than said that "somebody" is me ..and that is early on and getting to know each other...

 

I have no idea where I stand with him now....if he will contact me again cause haven't heard from him since -except when he thanked me for bday wishes ...he wasn't big on communication between dates but always asked me out by Wednesday evening.

He is still on line...I wont mention again...not sure if I should tell him -if opportunity will allow...that I am happy to take it real slow but that includes being physical ....or should I just leave it....

we will see how this will go....I must say I feel a bit sad about his silence -this time.

[Wiseman2]

He's not the type to text all the time between dates and that has been from the beginning, so being upset over that is something to look at in terms of incompatibility. Also lack of being on the same page when it comes to exclusivity. And lack of being on the same page when it comes to intimacy. You frequently mention he plans and pays for nice dates. It's unfair to lead him on for that. If you are so upset and incompatible you may want to end it and find a guy who communicates at the level you want and is on the same page with regard to exclusivity and pace of intimacy.

He sort of said between lines. He is still online.

[irka000]

I think you have a great point Wiseman....I think it is time to face this fact. As I said - if he will ask me out again - I will see him and see if anything has still chance to develop...He had some time apart...maybe he gave some thoughts to what I said ....last time we were both aroused -soooo maybe was difficult to think straight. I did struggle

This meeting - if he will ask me out - will be very telling....

thank you for your feedback...appreciated as always