Fiance left me; my (long) breakup story; could really use some help

[parrot]

Hello all,

 

This is my first time posting here, and I am really hoping that I can get some advice from others in similar situations. My fiance ended our relationship a little less than a month ago, and I am still in a very bad state. My insomnia is horrible, my appetite is nonexistent, anytime I do eat I get stomach aches/nausea and I have been crying on and off all day, every day. I did see a therapist for the first time in my life a couple of weeks ago (at my mother's insistence) but she looked at me strangely the entire time and seemed very uncomfortable with all of my crying. Her only advice to me was to try going for a walk. Not bad advice but not what I was hoping to hear from a professional. My confidence in professional therapy is shattered now although I recognize that I need SOMETHING as I have never experienced depression on this level before. I apologize in advance for how long and detailed this post might be.

 

Background – I am 32. I earned my graduate degree a few years ago and I work in the healthcare industry. I have a big family: parents who I adore, a twin sister who is married with 4 children (1 of them a newborn) and several other brothers and sisters. We are very close and get together regularly. Everyone lives within an hour of each other. Because I was single, I took on some traveling jobs after completing my Masters degree even though I planned to settle down close to my family at some point. I have a hard time being homesick but found it was healthy for me to push myself out of my comfort zone. Early last year, I reluctantly took a job in another state – in a VERY rural area (I’m used to big cities/neighborhoods) about a 10 hour drive from where my family lives. It was only for 13 weeks so I agreed to it. As soon as I got there I couldn’t wait to leave. The town I lived in was borederline creepy to me as were all the surrounding towns, and it was at least an hour drive to do any decent shopping, restaurants, etc.

 

A couple weeks into my stay there I met a great guy who is exactly 6 years younger than me. I was attracted to him but extremely hesitant about the age difference. He lived with his parents which I didn’t like, but I also understood how terrible the rental market was in the area and he seemed extremely mature in all areas of his life. He had saved enough money living at home that he would be able to buy a house without a mortgage, so there was a lot to be said for that. Also, I LOVED his parents. I sensed that his mother had a slightly unhealthy attachment to him from the beginning, but since it didn't seem to be the other way around and I really liked his mother, it didn’t bother me too much.

 

The weeks progressed and we fell madly in love. I extended my contract twice to give our relationship a chance. I never really made any friends as it was difficult in that town to begin with and I spent all my time with him, his parents, and his sister/BIL. We had everything in common, and everyone knew that we were a great match. We were outdoorsy together, went to church together, took weekend trips, etc. I was shocked that a guy in this very rural area with this age difference could end up being the one for me, but I was so happy to have found him. It was the relationship I'd always dreamed of. In August of last year, I quit the traveling gig and took a more permanent job with a school system that is up in June of this year.

 

We had discussed the idea of where to live a few times but never very seriously. I really didn’t like where we lived but I told him I that I loved him so much that I could probably make it work if I had to. He, on the other hand, made it clear that he was extremely hesitant to move closer to my family as the notion of moving away “scared” him. We discussed the possibility of moving to a city in between our families and even took some weekend trips to check them out. I could tell he wasn’t thrilled with the idea of moving but he left it open as a possibility. He never ruled it out, but I kind of knew in the back of my mind that it wasn't going to happen. This was our biggest difference; he is far less experienced than I and has never been away from home. I should also mention that his family owns about 70 acres of property that he has always wanted to build a house on. He mentioned this early on and I immediately shot it down as it was far too rural and different from what I envisioned for my life. He never pushed it on me. He explicitly said it was not a deal-breaker.

 

In December, he surprised me with a beautiful proposal. We had talked a lot about being married one day but we never specifically discussed getting engaged and I definitely never pushed him (we had been dating 9 months at this point). This was all, 150%, on him. I would have been fine with dating longer; I was surprised but thrilled. I took a vacation with his family to Cancun right afterwards - all expense paid by his parents (again, nothing I'd asked for!) It was all so perfect.

 

Fast forward to late February, and long story short I had agreed to the idea of building a house in the woods on his property. Pretty soon after though, I started to feel sad about how permanent that decision is and how homesick I would probably feel. I wanted a serious conversation about moving closer to my family or to a bigger city, even if we never did, so that I wouldn't resent him down the road. When I brought it up at this point, he said there was no way he could ever do that, under any circumstances. I was really hurt. A terrible week ensued of really emotional conversations and he nearly broke it off after a conversation with his mother. This was behind my back, but I’m pretty sure his mother was freaking out over the possibility of him leaving and was trying to convince him to end it. All his mother saw was his tears and she went into "mama bear" mode and got super protective of him, and assumed that I was hurting him somehow. Meanwhile, we were having adult conversations that were difficult at times and none of her business. Somehow we made it through that mess, with me saying that I couldn’t live without him and we could just stay near his family, as long as we could put the building on hold and rent somewhere else for a while. He agreed to the idea of moving out of his parents house right away to get some independence from them as I was worried about how strongly they could influence him. Still, everyone moved on from this and his mother continued to help with me wedding planning, even took me dress shopping and treated me like a future "daughter."

 

I went home right after Easter for spring break. My twin sister had a baby, a few days later my mother had a terrible accident and was in the hospital. It was a very emotional time for me and I was devastated to have to leave. I missed my finance but I did NOT want to go back. The day after I got home, he came over and I was expressing my feelings to him. We came around to the living situation again. I told him that since I knew I would always miss my family, I really wanted to love where I lived, and I asked him about the possibility of buying or renting a house in a town that we really liked about an hour away, where we’d be closer to other families and more things to do - for just a year or so, before building on his property. This was the town where we went to church, spent many evenings at dinner, and were planning our wedding there. We had walked through a house in this town with a realtor just a couple months earlier. Surprisingly, at this time, he said no. He really just wanted to build on the property. I told him that if I were to have children, I’d want to have an easier time making friends and building a network. I wanted to be surrounded by more people so that it would ease my homesickness. I asked him about all the other times he said he was open to it. He was quiet. I reminded him about how much I was giving him by being willing to live near his family, and was just asking him to compromise a little bit, for just a little while. But he said he couldn’t. I got really emotional and so did he. I couldn’t picture my life without him but he basically told me that he would rather be there without me than go somewhere else with me. This was all really shocking to me.

 

The next day he sent me a long text saying that he wasn’t ready for marriage and that he was sorry for misleading me. He basically ignored my texts for the rest of the night. I knew he was home and that his parents were probably talking to him about it. I was physically sick over this and didn’t sleep at all that night. By the next morning I was asking him to come help me as I was so upset I couldn’t get off the couch. He said he had to protect his feelings and couldn’t keep making himself feel worse about this. This was all SO unusual for him. I felt completely abandoned. No one else in his family was reaching out to me. I couldn’t eat or sleep or go to work. And I had absolutely nobody.

 

The next day was more of the same, no contact from him unless it was a cold response to something I asked him. I got a text message from the owner of the restaurant where the rehearsal dinner was being held (that my fiance's mother was paying for) wanting to discuss the "cancellation." Already?? I was unravelling fast. I asked him if we could just cancel the wedding and take time to talk this over but he made it clear that ending it was what he wanted to do. I was so confused. I felt like my whole world was falling apart. My thoughts were turning very dark, but due to my mother's hospitalization my parents were unable to come help me and neither could my siblings for various reasons. My best friend flew in late that night to help me because I think I was scaring her on the phone. I called my boss and said I didn’t know what was going to happen but I had to go home asap. There was no way I could stay in that town all alone and go through this myself. My friend had to pull me out of bed, literally put me in the shower, and pack up my belongings. The next day she helped me make the 11 hour drive to my family, where they were all gathered to meet me and embrace me.

 

It has been about 3 1/2 weeks now. In some ways I've gotten better but I'm still reeling from the shock of the entire situation. I can't believe that such a seemingly loving and secure relationship ended so horribly, with no word of comfort from him or anyone in his family. It would be one thing if I had cheated on him, lied to him.. but HE is the one who dropped the bomb on me, and then ended it without giving me a chance. I don't even fault him for realizing so late in the game that building on the land was a deal-breaker, I would have been willing to discuss it. I can't believe that my request for compromise turned his entire family against me. Honestly, I never EVER saw this coming. I never thought that he could be so cold and just leave me like that, knowing that I had virtually no other support system for hundreds of miles.

 

I'm worried about my ability to get over him because our relationship was so wonderful the entire time. I can look at the circumstances now and realize that it probably would have been a lonely marriage, that his mother was pretty controlling, that the homesickness would have eaten away at me. But it doesn't help my feelings toward HIM. I love him so much, I would still die for him right now if I had to. I almost feel bad for him because his immaturity and anxiety issues I'm sure played a role in this and neither of them are anything I would have ended it over.

 

If anyone has words of encouragement or advice, I could really use them. With every past breakup, even the really tough ones, I saw red flags in the relationship and knew what I wanted differently in a future partner. Not the case here. The ending was awful but the relationship itself was full of 100% happy memories. I am not remotely excited about being 32 and starting all over again. Before this relationship I was single for about 4 years and took time to discover myself, travel, enjoy being single. Now that I was so close to being married and discussing children with a man I truly loved, the prospect of being single all over again feels so horrible. I'm really worried about my ability to get through all of this in a healthy way.

 

Thank you to anyone who has read this far, it was really therapeutic in some ways to type it all out. Thank you for reading and advance for your help. (And just so everyone knows, there has been no contact since all of this happened and I don't plan to contact him although it is tempting. I know that no good can come from it.)

[n83]

Hi Parrot,

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. I am also 32 and going through a breakup after almost 6 years of living together. It sucks. There is no way around it. Our situations are similar in that no one really did anything "wrong" here (cheating or something like that) and the fact that there's still love there makes it worse. Again, I know this.

 

I think for starters, you need to get away from that therapist and find a new one. One that's actually helpful and knows what to say. You may also want to get over to your primary care and see if they can write you a script for something, even just temporarily, as it sounds like you are suffering from true depression and medications might help somewhat.

 

I honestly believe there are phases you need to go through. Right now you're in a depressed, deeply sad phase. Eventually, you need to move into the anger phase. And honestly, it sounds like there are grounds here for some anger. The anger will likely help to reduce the "in love" feelings you have for him, when you start to realize that the way he handled everything - especially your breakup - was less than acceptable.

 

Unfortunately these things take time. It may help if you write out and think about all the reasons this would NOT have worked. And take baby steps. One day at a time, one hour at a time. Watch stupid movies, take yourself out, eat ice cream, write your thoughts down. Whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. I promise it WILL get better, but you can't force yourself to feel better. It will happen naturally and organically over time.

[Realitynut]

I always WISHED I could get into the angry stage. Somehow I clung on to false hopes....and then came the deep depression. I found out my guy got a new woman the week before he proposed to me! Ain't that wonderful.

 

But unlike you, my relationship was NOT wonderful. Mostly because of me. But I also drove 4 hours to see him for 3 years.

 

I think, even tho your relationship was GREAT...it only lasted for a year...and that could have been the honeymoon phase. Proposing at 9 months, then later, him realizing he couldn't go thru with it.

 

The fact that he couldn't compromise, shows his immaturity.

 

When you get right down to it...you both had different life goals/values....of what life looked like in the future. Him...never moving. Build on HIS land. He'd dreamt of this for years.....and you were changing up HIS dreams and what he had always envisioned for his future.

 

You had always envisioned a city life...or at least closer to your parents.

 

He couldn't or wouldn't....change his mind, no matter how much he loved you. His security of HIS family, outweighed his wanting to please you.

 

I'm afraid you would have grown to resent him if you lived out in the boondocks....and he would have resented YOU...in forcing him to chose between you and his dream home, on his land.

 

And mama was supporting her son.

 

Find a new counselor. I sat with mine and cried for almost a YEAR. During the deepest part of the depression, she said...you need to get out and walk. She took me to a field out back....and walked with me.

 

This will take you quite a while to get over. I don't want to sugar coat it for you.

 

I'm very proud of you for going no contact with him. I never did that. I cried. I begged. I carried on. Enough that I DID get back with him 4 months later...but it ended 4 months later again...when he went BACK to the other woman.

 

At least he wasn't cheating on you....and for that you can have some comfort.

 

Just realize...he WAS too young. He wasn't experienced in Life, and the compromises one has to make sometimes when life throws you a curve ball. And he wasn't able to cope.

 

You are in the PRIME of your life. Hopefully your healing will happen soon....and your joy for life will return. Big, Big HUGS.

[candy0929]

im sorry you have to go through this. i truly feel you, darling.

im also 32 and got dumped by my ex of 2years after me asking him for a marrige.

it was heart breaking. my relationship with him was wonderful too while it lasted.

the bottom line was he could not stay with me becouse he had to move to another country with me due to my situation.

he said he needed his family and church people around and he wasnt sure im the one for his life.

ive never expected it was coming. it happend only 3weeks ago. i am still in pain and burst tears at times.

i know how painful what you are going through. all i can say is lets keep working on protecting our hearts.

when the two have different life values it is hard to expect to have a healthy relationship anyway.

like you said, it probably would be a bad marrige even if it worked out somehow.

thats how i comfort myself too. lets stay strong. everyone says we will meet better person.

lets believe their wisedom. big hugs!

[Billie28]

I was 36 when my fiancé ended our relationship , we were together almost 2 yrs and he ended it 6 months before the wedding. I already had paid for my dress and deposit on reception.

I too had been through break ups prior to him and I went to see a clinical psychologist for ten sessions and for the first time in my life.

I hated my psych for the first 3 sessions or so. I thought she was mean lol. But in hindsight she was brilliant!

I think there was a red flag with you and that was his mothers influence. My ex fiancé had a lovely mother who I got on great with, although interfering.

After our split she turned into the nastiest cow ever!

A year later my ex fiancé wanted to reconcile and guess what? I didn't!!

You may not think it now but I bet you will feel the same!

At the moment you are saying you would die for him yet a month ago you wouldn't live where he wanted. See how your emotions are playing with you?

Please go back to the therapist (assuming a clinical psychologist) for at least 3 more sessions.

If not happy with therapist then, find a new one.

Good luck!! You WILL be fine, you just need to get through this grieving process and come out smiling like I am!

[Silverbirch]

I'm so so sorry for what you are going through. So glad you have your family and your wonderful friend. Yes I agree, ditch that counsellor.

 

It must have been a terrible shock for you. Please take care of yourself. Physically and emotionally, I have been where you are. Early days were so bad. At 4 months past breakup, I finally improved quite suddenly I think. Never cried so much in my life.

 

My ex did come back, but I had moved on by then.

[parrot]

Thank you all for your words of encouragement. I'm not sure yet how to reply to you each individually or I would. I appreciate everyone taking their time to share their thoughts with me as it really helps to have an outsider's perspective.

 

One thing I wanted to point out is that I WAS willing to live on his property at some point. I knew that asking him for a major lifestyle change would not have working and I was willing to compromise pretty much everything - I just wanted to adjust to it first and live in an area where we could more easily make friends and be out from under mommy's wing for a little while. This town I was asking for was still very small, not a city by any means, and we both loved it. Like I said we had walked through a house that we seriously considered buying a couple months earlier. At this point I was just asking him to rent for a little bit there before building. I was shocked (still am) that it would have ended the relationship. If he had told me that building on the property was a deal-breaker, I WOULD have gone along with it (even if it was the wrong thing to do). I loved him so, so much and I had no desire to end it.

 

I agree that we were only together a little more than a year, so that's why I asked him about putting the wedding on hold and taking some time to figure this out. I can't understand why he had to just end it so abruptly and why nobody was nice to me about it. If we had been together a long time and just couldn't reach an understanding that would be different. I can't stop going around in my head all the Why's and wondering what I could have done differently. I'm jealous of whoever gets to build with him someday I feel like this is all my fault.

 

No contact is only easy because he is 700 miles away although sometimes I'd like to email him just to ask him some of these questions. Part of me is wondering if he is regretting this - if he is, he wouldn't contact me I'm sure since he knows I left and he probably assumes I hate him now (I don't). My fear of a negative response is what keeps me from reaching out, but there is a small part of me that always wonders if it would be a good thing. I guess that is natural?

[Billie28]

As a country girl who currently lives in a city suburb, my dream is to end up on acreage.

And I can completely understand the reverse too.

 

It was always a deal breaker as I read from your post , but you were ignoring it. He was never going to compromise. And he doesn't have to. Neither do you. You both can just part.

You thought you were compromising by suggesting a nearby town but that in his eyes was just a trial that wasn't suggesting commitment but more of a "if that goes well then it's a maybe"

He is doing the right thing here by both of you by parting ways.

He never left his home town or family and has never swayed on that.

You however did leave your home and family and moved to his area so he assumed you were up to living there.

You adopted his family and him while there but ultimately you know yourself that they just helped being there feel better.

 

It sounds more now like the communication between you was poor and that makes for a very rocky foundation.

 

I think if you had built a house with him, you would have ended up feeling very trapped and it would have ended anyway.

 

But as I said, one day you will be glad you didn't marry him.

 

Talk to your psych, he or she will clarify this I am certain.

[parrot]

Thanks for your input, Billie. It probably was a deal-breaker all along, but either he hid that from me or he didn't realize how strongly he felt about it until the very end. Like I said, we were actively looking at houses in this town not far away. We discussed living in town for a little while and were leaning more towards renting so we could be gradually building a house and take our time with it. At the very end it just seemed like he pulled the rug out from underneath me. If he had put it like this "I'm sorry I wasn't more up front with you about my desire to live on this property (or) I'm just realizing now how strongly I feel about it," my reply would have been "OK, let's take some time to discuss it." Instead he ended it with a text and wanted no further discussion on it. I guess THAT is a big part of what is screwing with my head.

 

I get that we have different backgrounds and wanted different things, but I didn't see a future with him on the property as doom and gloom. I was just under the impression that we could do something else for a little while. You're right that it's probably a good thing it didn't work out - my brain is slowly figuring that out, my heart just hasn't caught up yet.

[Billie28]

I know it's hard for you.

 

But, looking at properties isn't the same as buying or renting one.

The fact is you only looked.

While you were walking through it, you saw hope. But he was likely doing his best to pretend some mild interest while hoping you would hate it.

 

Don't dwell on these things. What you thought was a big deal wasn't for him.

 

Again, that boils down to poor communication.

So, with poor communication , the inability to reveal your true feelings to each other, the differing backgrounds, this relationship was never going to work.

 

So, all you can do now is move on. I agree that you should not contact him, because I am sure you will only receive the negative reply you fear. He may be younger in age , he may have ended things cowardly, however him ending it because of realistic reasons shows maturity.

 

Please tell me you have another therapist appointment, because you really will benefit from it. Everyone hates their therapist to begin with because generally to seek a therapist is looking for answers you want to hear as opposed to what you don't.

 

Some use a relationship forum instead, I have been blasted on here by some for my honest opinion and not offering sympathy.

I am not here to offer sympathy and ultimately prolong your grief, I am here to smack you in the face and help you get over it quicker.

[parrot]

Thank you again, Billie. I get plenty of sympathy from people around me and I came here for outsider's perspectives. That's exactly what I'm getting and I'm very grateful for that. Some things are hard to hear but I'm willing to listen to anyone and all kinds of advice to help get me through this thing.

 

I disagree with a couple points you made but that also doesn't mean you're wrong, it could be that I'm blinded by emotion right now. He and I always had such amazing communication, which is why we never really fought, and I have reasons to suspect that a big part of the breakup was his mother in his ear. He had really been more willing to try something different with me than what I've made it sound like, I guess. I think his parents were terrified of him ever leaving, of us having babies and then one day I might insist on moving away, etc. It's just hard for me to accept that any part of the breakup was mature. Either way, the red flags at the end indicate it probably could not have worked in the long run and like you said there is no point in dwelling on these things.

 

The thing I am really worried about is having trust issues moving forward. I was truly, in every sense of the word, blindsided. I could have anticipated some difficult conversations about location, but ending it? His whole family turning their backs on me so suddenly? I could never have seen that coming. How will I know now that someone isn't going to change the way they feel about me so suddenly. I already know that if I fall in love again I will be walking on eggshells to ask for compromises because I'll be worried that they will just pull away. I'm worried that this person didn't love me as much as he said he did the entire time - I mean really, if you are madly in love with a person and can't imagine your life without them (as he said), you really can't rent a house an hour away for a little while, to make that person happy, when they're already agreeing to live so far from home? I don't think he was intentionally lying to me about his feelings, I guess he just realized too late that he didn't love me enough. I don't think I could bear that ever happening again.

 

This psychologist was baaad. She really seemed to think that I was just some girl whose boyfriend broke up with her. She didn't address my eating or sleeping issues. I told her I am still needing help getting in the shower because I don't like being in room by myself. This has really affected me on a level I never realized was possible. I told the therapist I was thinking about contacting him (the desire was very strong a couple of weeks ago) and she shrugged and told me to do it if I wanted to. She really said nothing helpful. I contacted two other therapists last week who couldn't see me for about a month, and then I gave up. I will keep looking though. I know I really need some help.

[SooSad33]

((hugs)) I can imagine how awful you are feeling right now....

 

You are dealing with a 'loss'. it is normal to 'grieve'. So all of your anxiety & tears are normal and this will go on for months... Because, you've 'lost' a partner & relationship.

 

Moving away, scared him. And as I recall, before you came into his life, he had 'plan's to buy a home.. to his liking.

Sadly, by sounds of things.. you guys had this problem since the beginning and things were just never able to be worked out.

 

" I missed my finance but I did NOT want to go back."

Sounds like neither of you were strong enough to let go of your roots.

 

I will say. you can now chalk this up to an 'experience'. With your travelling and coming across this guy while doing so.

I have also been thru a few relationships & break ups and many have been VERY difficult to deal with for a while.

 

I do suggest you continue with therapy. If not this loser, try another one. They CAN help.

 

Otherwise, you have to let this all faze out in time. It all takes time.... time to work on accepting & healing.

As for your age? No worries... I am sure you WILL encounter another relationship again in your days.

 

I am mid 40's and have gone thru some over the time of 25 yrs.. ugh

 

I say.. Life is an experience and yes, we all get thrown some hard balls. Loss of a relationship is VERY hard to deal with.. but remember.. you were okay before him... you will be okay after him.

 

Take care.

[tina-rocks]

I am sooo! Sorry you have found yourself in this situation. I have read your post and it is very early days yet and your still obviously trying to figure out what happened and how and why. Closure is something I think it missing with your breakup, as there doesn't seem to be any clear indication, as to why you broke up and this is clearly having a detrimental affect on you.

 

As it's still early days and the wounds are still very raw, you might want to give a little breathing space for yourself and once the dust settles see if you can get a clearer idea of why your fiance ended your relationship, could help to give you closure.

 

Your probably in your mind, going over every conceivable thing, that might have triggered it off, but that is only causing you more pain and anxiety. Walking is good for blowing away the cobwebs and for allowing you to see things, with fresh eyes.

 

Perhaps a trip to the doctors for your anxiety, sometimes they can help, if you find your not coping. You need time, as it's still too fresh a wound. Keep talking on here and with friends and family and don't try to fight the pain. If you need to cry let yourself and if you need to scream, do it and if you want to just rant, I'm here. You will get through this hon.

[SooSad33]

As mentioned ^.. this is all still very raw for you... i can feel your emotions..

 

But, as I already stated.. you going thru this 'loss' grieving, etc.. I think, in time, as the smoke clears, you may just come to see more of the negatives involved in this situation.

 

Like.. jumping into the marriage idea too fast.. and yes, his odd mother, etc.

I know your brain is like a whirlwind at this time. But, always remember, to take care of YOU now.

 

Someday, HE may just realize what he's done and the damage he has caused you. Someone who loved him....

Give it time.

I am sure this has been a lesson to him as well.

 

And, agreed, go see your dr about something for your anxiety.. so you can settle a bit, get some needed rest & eat.

[Billie28]

Thank you again, Billie. I get plenty of sympathy from people around me and I came here for outsider's perspectives. That's exactly what I'm getting and I'm very grateful for that. Some things are hard to hear but I'm willing to listen to anyone and all kinds of advice to help get me through this thing.

 

I disagree with a couple points you made but that also doesn't mean you're wrong, it could be that I'm blinded by emotion right now. He and I always had such amazing communication, which is why we never really fought, and I have reasons to suspect that a big part of the breakup was his mother in his ear. He had really been more willing to try something different with me than what I've made it sound like, I guess. I think his parents were terrified of him ever leaving, of us having babies and then one day I might insist on moving away, etc. It's just hard for me to accept that any part of the breakup was mature. Either way, the red flags at the end indicate it probably could not have worked in the long run and like you said there is no point in dwelling on these things.

 

The thing I am really worried about is having trust issues moving forward. I was truly, in every sense of the word, blindsided. I could have anticipated some difficult conversations about location, but ending it? His whole family turning their backs on me so suddenly? I could never have seen that coming. How will I know now that someone isn't going to change the way they feel about me so suddenly. I already know that if I fall in love again I will be walking on eggshells to ask for compromises because I'll be worried that they will just pull away. I'm worried that this person didn't love me as much as he said he did the entire time - I mean really, if you are madly in love with a person and can't imagine your life without them (as he said), you really can't rent a house an hour away for a little while, to make that person happy, when they're already agreeing to live so far from home? I don't think he was intentionally lying to me about his feelings, I guess he just realized too late that he didn't love me enough. I don't think I could bear that ever happening again.

 

This psychologist was baaad. She really seemed to think that I was just some girl whose boyfriend broke up with her. She didn't address my eating or sleeping issues. I told her I am still needing help getting in the shower because I don't like being in room by myself. This has really affected me on a level I never realized was possible. I told the therapist I was thinking about contacting him (the desire was very strong a couple of weeks ago) and she shrugged and told me to do it if I wanted to. She really said nothing helpful. I contacted two other therapists last week who couldn't see me for about a month, and then I gave up. I will keep looking though. I know I really need some help.

 

Your amazing communication was about the things that didn't matter.

You were unable to communicate on the things that did. So, again, I assure you that the communication was poor.

 

His mother (similar to my ex fiancés mother) was NOT the cause of the break up. Like you I tried to convince myself of that. She was simply a catalyst speeding up the break up that was going to happen anyway.

 

He was never willing to compromise on living arrangements, he did try to some extent but yet again couldn't communicate that to you.

And realised it was not a compromise he was willing to make for ANYONE, not just you.

 

You have an unrealistic expectation of your therapist. You need to meet her half way and actually respond to her. She is ONLY a therapist, not a miracle worker.

Have you actually started going for daily walks?

What do you expect her to say to someone who claims they can't even shower themselves?

She is happy to deal with the contact or lack of with your ex next session.

I walked out of my first session angry! I went back only because I wanted to talk more with someone who I hadn't exhausted with my talk.

I didn't care that I was paying her, it was someone to listen to me.

You can't possibly get that help from a relationship forum.

As you said you have family to offer support, company, sympathy.

 

It's late here and I need to sleep, promise me to go back for at least 3 more sessions.

 

Trust me, I have been where you are right now. I did the what ifs, bargaining, crying, lack of sleep.

 

It's TEMPORARY , I promise you!!!!

 

If you really have trouble sleeping, try phenergen. It's an antihistamine only, I am from a medical background. It's not addictive. I took it before for antihistamine purposes but I slept like I have never slept before The side effect is that.

 

Talk tomorrow , feel free to pm me.

I can very much empathise. But I will be blunt!

 

 

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like you want to be with your family in your area/type of area and he wants to keep the umbilical cord attached in his area. Hopefully you pack up and move back to your family/area soon, so you can move on. Overall it sounds like he is somewhat immature, a mama's boy and his family calls the shots. This would be a nightmare had you gotten married.

My fiance ended our relationship a little less than a month ago. I met a great guy who is exactly 6 years younger than me. I sensed that his mother had a slightly unhealthy attachment to him from the beginning. the notion of moving away “scared” him. his family owns about 70 acres of property that he has always wanted to build a house on.

 

he nearly broke it off after a conversation with his mother. I’m pretty sure his mother was freaking out over the possibility of him leaving and was trying to convince him to end it.

 

The next day he sent me a long text saying that he wasn’t ready for marriage and that he was sorry for misleading me. He basically ignored my texts for the rest of the night. I knew he was home and that his parents were probably talking to him about it.

[parrot]

Thank you all SO MUCH for taking the time to share your thoughts with me. It really does help to know that I'm not alone.

 

Billie, thank you for continuing to respond to me even though I probably sound like I'm resisting a lot your perspective. I'm not, I'm just still trying to come to terms with this whole situation because I know I won't be able to move on until I actually "accept" it. I will continue to seek professional help, but not with this therapist. I told her about a few instances where I burst into tears due to certain triggers and she shrugged (she shrugged a lot) and said yes, there will be triggers. I asked flat out how to deal with them. She said what everyone else has said: "time." I asked her directly what to expect from future sessions and she said "really just talking it out and processing it." What do I expect from a therapist? Maybe I have an unrealistic idea since this was my first time, but I expect something more than what my family and friends can say to me. Everyone has told me it will take time and I understand that and it sucks and there is nothing I can do to speed it up. I was hoping an educated professional would give me some TOOLS to use, beyond just going for a walk. Yes, I take my dog for a walk every day. I try to read, I go to church. I keep myself busy whenever I can. These are things my family and friends have encouraged me to do and I'm doing them even though right now nothing feels like it's helping. I'm doing them anyway.

 

I guess I am venting some frustration right now because if a therapist is just going to tell me to take walks and eat ice cream then I'll keep my hard-earned money in my pocket. I do believe there is such a thing as a bad therapist or at least, a therapist that doesn't click with you. This lady maybe didn't specialize in whatever I need someone to specialize in. I don't expect a miracle worker but in the first session I at least want some indication, some confidence, that future sessions will yield some results. This woman didn't give me that. I do promise that I will keep on looking, though. And I don't mind anyone being blunt with me. I'm sure there are things I need to hear that my family/friends don't want to say to me.

[Realitynut]

I'm jealous of whoever gets to build with him someday :sad: I feel like this is all my fault.

 

Oh baby...I hear ya.

I know everyone says NOT to contact him. They scream that on here! lol But since you had NO communication from him since he texted you 'so long, can't do it'...I can see why you'd want to contact him. I did. Did it keep me hanging on? Well...the second time around, it didn't, but our breakup was because of a woman, not living arrangements. I was moving 4 hours away to be with him. Good thing he was so far away also...couldn't stalk as easily! lol

 

Anyway, my break up happened a long time ago, and am now going thru another.

 

I went to a counselor who...well...not my favorite, but she was cheap. I've never like any counselors. I just sat and cried usually. I remember she did give me one bit of advice that I did. I had let my house fall down around my ears. I didn't want to live there. I had all my things (furniture) still at his house. (long story). She said, just make up a 'safe' place at your home. One spot that is clean, that you can sit and read, and feel calm.

 

I was REALLY depressed. At least you get into the shower. At my worst, I didn't shower, didn't get dressed, didn't get out of bed, never answered the phone, suicidal....for 4 days.

 

But anyway, I think in reality you are doing great! I cried every day for almost 4 months. REALLY. So you see...look how good you are doing. I also made an appointment to go to a psychologist. Couldn't get in for months. He listened to me with his feet up on the desk, as he asked me a few questions.. When my ex husband was attacking me and forcing me to have sex with him against my will, he said "well, maybe he just wanted sex." He then said I had been dysfunctional since 7th grade. Didn't have time for me....and shoo'ed me out of his office! My counselor was so angry about that! So at least she stuck up for me!

 

AAARGH.

 

Anyway. I would contact him at some point, when you feel you are ready. It might set you back, be prepared. But I LIKED knowing what my ex was thinking. When I asked him, "do you love her", and he said "yes"....BIG MOVING ON TIME! Having them tell you point blank, (again) that they don't want you, might hurt...but really sets it in stone.

 

Or he might say he made a mistake, but like you said, thought you were too upset to talk to. Who knows? It's not going to hurt any WORSE, than you have already been hurt. And might even help you move on. I know people on here don't believe in 'closure' either. lol. But I do. Sometimes I have to hear it many times....I don't WANT YOU....before it sinks in!

 

Anyway, I just wanted to give you a big hug again this morning. You are a bright, successful, articulate woman. You are in your prime. You won't be sitting home eating icecream and walking your dog for long....

 

(don't you just hate people who 'shrug'....*shrugs*)

 

edit: oh yeah, and I felt like talking to my counselor was just like talking to my long time customers/family/friends. I don't know if she really helped that much, but at least she HAD to listen. By the time I got done crying, the session was over. I went almost a year. During that deepest depression, sometimes it was the only time I got out of the house. She would say, she was surprised I showed up. eh.

 

I would just straggle from the couch to computer and ena. Ena....is what's keeping me going now....You can always talk to us!

[Ms Darcy]

Looking at the comments, I think you wanted to live near your home and he wanted to live near his. Doesn't mean either of you were immature but just that it was a big sign of incompatibility. I think you tried to compromise on something where you didn't really want to compromise and you know in your heart you would have been unhappy.

 

I think you should try another therapist. Sometimes one doesn't work out and that's ok.

[Silverbirch]

I totally get where you are coming from re the house. I have lived on acreage, expected that was what Ai would end up buying, but when I really thought things out, I knew it would be do much more practical for me yo buy a house in the town so Im on the outer of the town. Not sure about the proximity of services to his parents property, but even in our town, for a while we have had no doctor. For a while there wa no chemist. For people in more isolated areas, it happens more often. If I had young children, I am sure that I would not want to take those risks.

 

Even though everything seemed perfect, it can take a long time to get to know a person. We can't be sure about any of this and his reasons. It's always possible you will hear from him again, but I would urge you to carefully think things through and go slow if you do. Big hug my dear.

[Silverbirch]

I've given it a bit more thought, and tell you what I think has very likely happened.

 

Even if 70 acres is not worked commercially, it is still a lot of work. In years gone by especially, and sometimes now in the present, at least one of the grown-up children wil. Stay on building a home of their own so they can help maintain the property, especially as the parents get older. Without this help, most people have to relinquish the property. For most people, growing up on such a property becomes a large part of who they are. Close friends family had to sell family property for financial reasons which had been in family for generations, and it devastated all of them.

 

His mother would likely see it that she accepted you, was good to you, and considers now that you were scheming to take him away from her.

 

In his situation, I don't think compromise for anyone will have a happy ending. He NEEDS to be with a woman who can embrace that life - that it's what she genuinely wants.

 

I hope this helps.

[parrot]

Thank you all again, so so much! Just want to say one more time, I totally understand the importance of the land. I had given up even discussing moving closer to my family. As homesick as I was, I wanted my OWN family, and if it meant living 10-12 hours away, I was prepared to do it.

 

Most people seem to be surprised that I expected any different from him. But all along he knew I was from a different background/lifestyle, and he knew all along that it would take some getting used to for me. He knew that I was OK with it as long as we were discussing all the options first. I/he/we really didn't have many friends and I was nervous about immediately living a 5 minute walk from his parents and not having a chance to meet new people. I have to say for myself, that asking to live in a place that was not his "favorite" choice for a short period of time so that I would become more comfortable with the area and possibly make some more friends, was not asking a lot, and yes, he did entertain the idea all along. That is part of what has left me reeling with shock. I WAS open to living on the property, I just wanted to postpone it (I think most people would also agree that it would have been healthy for him to live a short distance from parents for a little while?)

 

This is a man who professed to be madly in love with me, who asked me to marry him, who said numerous occasions he would do anything for me. Obviously, he doesn't really understand what that really means or he changed his mind. Because he would have been willing to make a temporary sacrifice for me if it meant keeping me, if he really meant all that he said.

 

Just a sad situation, and I can't make sense of it, so no use trying.

[Silverbirch]

So sorry Parrot

[parrot]

Thank you so much, Silverbirch. I can really sense your empathy and it is comforting. I appreciate your input and it gives me a lot to think about.

[Ms Darcy]

I think when you said you didn't want to come back, as you were homesick, there's where you were being the most honest with yourself.