7 months just dating

[Edgeofitall]

34F. Recently divorced. Almost zero dating experience. On a whim decided to try online dating. First meeting went well. We clicked. On our first meeting he asked when I was child free next, and we immediately fell into every night I was child free was spent with him. And that's what we have done for 7 months.

 

Since the beginning, all of his actions show he is interested in me. He calls, texts every day, he shows interest in my life. He fixes things in my house. He talks about future plans. I have met his friends and family, he has met my kids twice and made us dinner at his house.

 

2 months ago I was drunk and confessed that I had real feelings for him. That I was scared ,because when I first met him I wasn't really looking for anything. That I didn't want to get hurt and I didn't know if he real liked me. He said he did and was scared too. A few days later, sober, I brought it back up again but he didn't want to talk about it. I told him I really did mean what I said and asked him if what I said scared him and he said he didn't want to talk about it. I dropped it. Things never changed. His interest never changed.

 

This whole time he is still active online. His profile is public so I can see it without having a login. I deactivated my account immediately because I was tired of getting messages. He is a commitment phobe for sure. I know this based on how is now, and past relationships.

 

I don't know what I am looking for. I am constantly torn between enjoying the casualness of the realtionship, or wanting more. I am not really in a place where I am looking for more, but I really like him. But i also know that this relationship is not going to last forever. We lead very different lives. I enjoy his companionship, and I really like how our personalities mesh. And I am pretty sure that's what he likes too. The ease and comfort of what we have, without having to be in a relationship or commited.

 

But I feel like I deserve more. So when do you know casual isn't working for you anymore? When do you know it's time to say... hey we've been doing this whole thing long enough, are you in or out. He knows how I feel, and I think that if he doesn't feel the same and is stringing me along he is an ass. When do you know it's time to walk away?

[Clinton]

After 7 months, you should know if there's a future. It doesn't mean you get married tomorrow, but you should both be on the same page as to where it's going.

 

At this stage you should be able to talk about it. If he won't, well that says it all.

[irka000]

Well, if you don't know exactly what you want...then why would you expect him to know?

He is going along with what it is cause you were going along with what it is...actually from what you write seems like all is fine and you spend good amount of time together. He is involved in your life and vice versa. BUT I am surprised by HIM BEING ON LINE still. This is a huge red flag. I don't know if he cant be bother to get there and take the profile off or simply keeps his options open.

This would bugs me ...-big time-for sure. I would not sleep with a man who is still potentially searching for other women....big no.

After 7 months you should not be walking on egg shells with any man! Communication is the key....if he is still not in the mood to talk after a few attempts ...then I would take a HUGE step back. I will became less available. This will make him wonder and will therefore ask you: what is going on....this is your chance to talk.

I wish you best of luck

[greta96]

Don't count on him to stop stringing you along (if that's indeed what he's doing) because he won't, it is your job to protect yourself and do whatever is in your best interest.

7 months is more than enough for him to know whether he wants something more committed with you, or not. You sound a bit uncertain too ("I don't know what I am looking for. I am constantly torn between enjoying the casualness of the realtionship, or wanting more. I am not really in a place where I am looking for more"), although this may just be you being in denial about your feelings. From where I stand, you sound like you do want a committed relationship with him.

 

I'm afraid you will need to make a choice soon - continue wasting your time and letting your kids bond with this guy, or let him go so you can start meeting guys who want the same things you do. Him refusing to talk about the issue of commitment 7 months in is a huge red flag, and not a good sign. Also, it's time you raised your standards, you should never accept to date a man who, 7 months in, is still trolling dating sites. Why be one in the rotation, when you can be "the one" to someone else? I'm sure you deserve better than this!

 

What you need to do is sit him down once again and ask him point blank if he sees this going anywhere. You need to clearly tell him what your expectations are (but you need to be clear about them yourself first!), and that you no longer want to be in this limbo. He is either in or out, and if he wants out then you won't stop him. You need to be firm about what you want, and according to his answers, act in the way that you think is in your best interest.

[Wiseman2]

Causal is fine for your first foray back into dating. He is neither in nor out. If you enjoy this and don't want anything exclusive then carry on. If you are tired of it or him dating while sleeping with you, then time to say good bye.

we immediately fell into every night I was child free was spent with him. This whole time he is still active online. I am not really in a place where I am looking for more. When do you know it's time to say... hey we've been doing this whole thing long enough, are you in or out. When do you know it's time to walk away?

[irka000]

I could not put this any better than Greta just did ! Fantastic advice Greta!

[missmarple]

You know it's time to walk away when you tell someone you have feelings for him and he says he doesn't want to talk about it.

[DancingFool]

So 7 months in, you are committed to him while he is openly trolling dating sites. Do you really not see this as an issue, and potentially a health issue for you? You are sleeping with him yes? He is obviously not exclusive with you correct? Think about what he might share with you.

 

Look, forget the whole commitment phobe nonsense and understand this - a man who is actually into you will want to be exclusive and committed to you, bring it up himself unprompted and be clear on what your relationship boundaries are. If he is not doing that he is not that into you. That's really all you need to know. If you keep dating him despite lack of exclusivity, then you are in for some unpleasant surprises.

 

Also, be honest with yourself. You've developed attachment to him and feelings and you want that reciprocated. You see that it's not happening. Your solution is to dump his azz and find a man who will reciprocate. Making excuses that he is just scared or a commitment phobe or whatever is just you playing mind games with yourself and denying yourself a healthy relationship. You do deserve a healthy relationship. Be brave, you can't have what you want when you are stuck with someone who doesn't want what you want.

 

PS You will never ever scare someone who genuinely cares about you by telling them how you feel or what you want. It will only scare those who don't want what you want - which is a good thing because you shouldn't waste your life on them.