What does your ex owe you?

[ThatwasThen]

I got home and she was very frosty, she welled up and said that she couldn't get rid of "these thoughts" and "things from the past" in the back of her mind.

After trying to get her to elaborate without success for 10/15 mins i decided the best course of action was to leave and allow her to calm down.... that was the last time i layed eyes on her.

I wonder what she actually said to you in those 10/15 minutes that you felt wasn't enough?

[kickedin]

Well this is a good topic.... Since I feel like I am the dumper.......... I saw a text on her phone from her ex while we were in bed one night.... she wouldnt show me(mind you this was a HS relationship from 5 years ago he cheated on her etc so not a recent) we argued for a few mins and she left.... about 15 mins later i get a text saying " i will tell you the truth I texted him to see when his basketball game was because I wanted to take my nephew(he's 1) and His girlfriend will be there!" .....I did not answer ..... 20 mins later she texts "no answer?"

 

I did not know what to say because I felt like she crossed a huge boundary reaching out to the ex..... So I let it sit.... one day turns into 2 and a few more days into weeks.... here's why I did not answer her ... I didn't know what to say !! I felt hurt betrayed crapped on all of the above and she has a habit of trying to spin things out so it's not her fault.... I figured at some point she would call and apologize and say she was wrong to reach out to him and she doesn't wanna throw 2.5 years away over it.... THAT DAY NEVER HAPPENED...

 

Here I am 4 months later feeling like I got dumped........... It sucks

 

I fell like sometimes I should call and try to talk about it but at this point it's not worth it and I hear she's got a new bf.... so I would only be giving her the chance to relieve any guilt if I sent anything to her in a way " hey what you did was wrong and I can't believe you never bothered to fix this etc.."

 

That's my emotion speaking and I have learned not to make decisions based off emotions...

 

Where's my closure?

3 days before I get a Christmas card saying i was the best thing thats happened to her.... I laugh now and say thats how you treat something you thought was that special....

 

Sometimes its torture like i am in a panic all day about it

[agaboo]

I wonder what she actually said to you in those 10/15 minutes that you felt wasn't enough?

 

She didn't explain an awful lot, its what she didnt say that left many loose ends as far as i was concerned, and i was still reeling from the shock and adrenaline of the moment.

Plus 10/15 mins isnt paying full respect to the situation of the woman you were going to marry ditching you.

[Clinton]

She didn't explain an awful lot, its what she didnt say that left many loose ends as far as i was concerned, and i was still reeling from the shock and adrenaline of the moment.

Plus 10/15 mins isnt paying full respect to the situation of the woman you were going to marry ditching you.

 

According to your original thread, you were on the phone with her for two hours, but she didn't want to budge. That was after the original breakup. She didn't want to meet because nothing would change what had happened. At that stage still demanding to meet with her is a little bit over the top. I think she knows there's nothing more to say and doesn't want to be badgered anymore

[agaboo]

According to your original thread, you were on the phone with her for two hours, but she didn't want to budge. At that stage still demanding to meet with her is a little bit over the top. I think she knows there's nothing more to say and doesn't want to be badgered anymore

 

I was forced to accept a phonecall as she wouldn't meet up in person, and yes, of course i raised it, as i and many other people that are familiar with my situation couldn't really comprehend why going for a coffee and having a chat was such a massive issue, it was felt like it was the least she could do in the circumstances, and above all the correct way to handle it. The spoken word is only around 10%of how we communicate with eachother, the rest is body language and facial expressions etc, not being face to face robs you of this interaction.

Clinton, im sorry if having a different opinion than you offends you, its clearly rubbed you up the wrong way whenever anybody has dared to disagree.

[Clinton]

No offence taken by me. Its an online debate. As you said I don't know you so you can't really offend me.

 

All I can do is respond to what you type and you seem a little bit too fixated that you are owed this face to face meeting. Id suggest it's really holding you back and retarding you're healing. You cant force someone to meet you and explain. So why not just accept its done and work on healing

[reinventmyself]

I had someone I was dating for 6 mo's call me one night and cryptically say `I have something to tell you'. . `I am not feelin' it'

 

I didn't see it coming honestly and was dumbstruck. He kept asking me questions and trying to engage me in some way and I just wanted off the phone.

There isn't much that needed to be said after someone says' `I am not feelin' it'

That spoke volumes to me. I sat there silent. `ok'

He tried for several minutes to talk to me and with that I just said it's late and I needed to go.

 

Looking back at that moment and knowing him the way I do (we reconciled, stupid I know) was that conversation wasn't for my benefit, but solely for his.

He wanted to relieve his own discomfort and I didn't owe him that.

 

I am a firm believer that those closure convo's are for nothing.

All that matters is that 2 people couldn't make each other happy. End of story.

[Tanzi]

Well yes, technically you did say that in the summary but the rest of it kind of contradicts that point to my reading.

 

That's because I half agreed with you, I suppose. I feel that there is no harm in showing a little bit of respect during the initial breaking-up period. That's the only thing I would say one should owe (or rather show) the other ..... and that works ways, of course. Other than that I am all for cutting ties as soon as is possible. I don't contact ex's (dumpers or dumpees) and I don't particularly relish in them (dumpees) contacting me and I can be a bit frosty if the contact is prolonged. I certainly don't like justifying my movements which I found myself doing with a recent ex (albeit from a very short lived relationship) and I certainly didn't feel I owed it to him to keep on responding to him and repeating myself.

[agaboo]

No offence taken by me. Its an online debate. As you said I don't know you so you can't really offend me.

 

All I can do is respond to what you type and you seem a little bit too fixated that you are owed this face to face meeting. Id suggest it's really holding you back and retarding you're healing. You cant force someone to meet you and explain. So why not just accept its done and work on healing

 

Good to know....

This is the path ive taken now, my last contact with her was 8 days ago and it will be my last, as i said i explained to her i can't be "friendly and civil" with someone that i A. Care very much for still even though i probably shouldn't and B. Doesn't feel like i deserve to be spoken to in person about the matter.Which i feel is perfectly reasonable....... in the circumstances.......but have to be friendly and ask you how the family is if i see you out? No.. not for me...

Which leads me back to my earlier post, where i stated that a one size fits all policy with this kinda thing doesn't really translate into reality for alot of people's situations.

Sure, i agree that in some cases you'd be a fool to feel like you were owed anything, be that a face to face or whatever, but it all depends on how and why the relationship comes to an end.

However in others, i believe its something that should be done,and you can feel like its owed to you sometimes... sure there is always gonna be a part of you that goes with the faintest of hope of getting them back, because you love them, i know i would have... no matter how much you don't build your hopes up... and yes that can be seen as being cruel to be kind on the part of the dumper.. but maybe its all part of healing, sitting there and hearing it in the cold light of day and knowing that you have exhausted the last avenue of reconciliation, seeing the facial expressions and body language of the other person..

And if that makes the dumper a bit uncomfortable then tough sh1t... their decision has just altered the course of your life (if it was a serious relationship) so i dont for one second feel bad that its gonna make them squirm in their seat a bit and feel awkward for an hour.

[reinventmyself]

Good to know....

This is the path ive taken now, my last contact with her was 8 days ago and it will be my last, as i said i explained to her i can't be "friendly and civil" with someone that i A. Care very much for still even though i probably shouldn't and B. Doesn't feel like i deserve to be spoken to in person about the matter.Which i feel is perfectly reasonable....... in the circumstances.......but have to be friendly and ask you how the family is if i see you out? No.. not for me...

Which leads me back to my earlier post, where i stated that a one size fits all policy with this kinda thing doesn't really translate into reality for alot of people's situations.

Sure, i agree that in some cases you'd be a fool to feel like you were owed anything, be that a face to face or whatever, but it all depends on how and why the relationship comes to an end.

However in others, i believe its something that should be done,and you can feel like its owed to you sometimes... sure there is always gonna be a part of you that goes with the faintest of hope of getting them back, because you love them, i know i would have... no matter how much you don't build your hopes up... and yes that can be seen as being cruel to be kind on the part of the dumper.. but maybe its all part of healing, sitting there and hearing it in the cold light of day and knowing that you have exhausted the last avenue of reconciliation, seeing the facial expressions and body language of the other person..

And if that makes the dumper a bit uncomfortable then tough sh1t... their decision has just altered the course of your life (if it was a serious relationship) so i dont for one second feel bad that its gonna make them squirm in their seat a bit and feel awkward for an hour.

 

Your anger and pain comes screaming through your posts. Understandable and acknowledged. I am sorry you are going through this.

In time you may see it differently.

I have to say if I was on the other side of this anger I might avoid it as well.

 

Not to be cruel or insensitive.

It just feels so highly charged and thinking not much good will come of it.

 

Besides, I think she may have told you the reasons already, correct?

[agaboo]

Your anger and pain comes screaming through your posts. Understandable and acknowledged. I am sorry you are going through this.

In time you may see it differently.

I have to say if I was on the other side of this anger I might avoid it as well.

 

Not to be cruel or insensitive.

It just feels so highly charged and thinking not much good will come of it.

 

Besides, I think she may have told you the reasons already, correct?

I dont feel like i come across particularly angrily in the post? Its more a balanced argument for why stating you are never owed anything isnt necessarily true... sometimes i agree, sometimes not so much... in my particular set of circumstances i believe the former to be true.

[reinventmyself]

I dont feel like i come across particularly angrily in the post? Its more a balanced argument for why stating you are never owed anything isnt necessarily true... sometimes i agree, sometimes not so much... in my particular set of circumstances i believe the former to be true.

 

Did she already tell you why in previous conversations?

[agaboo]

In the phonecall which was a substitute for a meet up yeah, but that phonecall wouldn't have had to happen had she just done the right thing and gone for a coffee a week or so after the event and let me get some things off my mind in person.

 

Im still struggling to see the anger in my earlier post? The anger so bad you would avoid it apparently?

[reinventmyself]

In the phonecall which was a substitute for a meet up yeah, but that phonecall wouldn't have had to happen had she just done the right thing and gone for a coffee a week or so after the event and let me get some things off my mind in person.

 

Im still struggling to see the anger in my earlier post? The anger so bad you would avoid it apparently?

Yep.

 

" let me get some things off my mind in person."

 

I suppose it's ok to want things but it takes two willing people to make it happen.

Give yourself the gift of letting this go.

Saying your peace - to her face - will not change the outcome.

Insisting that you deserve this moment makes me uneasy. And I am not her.

[agaboo]

Wow... you must be easily spooked then!! I just feel its a respectful thing to agree to if someone asks for it.

[boltnrun]

Wow... you must be easily spooked then!! I just feel its a respectful thing to agree to if someone asks for it.

 

But your ex disagrees, apparently.

[agaboo]

But your ex disagrees, apparently.

 

10 out of 10... yup, hence why im posting on this thread, not entirely agreeing with its theme.

[saluk]

I think it's a question of whether the person who is breaking up with someone is considerate of their feelings, or not. There are absolutely ways that they can act that are not considerate and will be more upsetting to the person, but depending on the person, sometimes these rude actions can make the healing process easier. Other times they will make it worse. I think that dumpers should consider the other persons feelings, definitely. And there are breakup behaviors that are really unacceptable. Ghosting after a serious relationship for instance. But then, they are still going to break up, and you can only do so much to soften a blow - the healing has to come from within in the end. So I don't see it in the sense of what they owe exactly.

 

If we are talking past tense though, and someone is complaining that their ex mistreated them and should have been better... well, you don't want to be with someone who would treat you that way, now do you? The best you can do is be glad that the mistreatment that they can do to you from now on has (hopefully anyway) ended.

[reinventmyself]

Wow... you must be easily spooked then!!

 

I guess if you ask for it, fine. If it's not agreed upon and you insist then it's another story.

 

It comes across as being attached. If you have any strong feelings one way or another, you are still attached.

Maybe I am too prideful, but after the fact, I don't want to appear attached or angry. We are no longer a team.

My feelings are no longer their concern.

 

I also don't want to (after the fact) subject myself to once again being reminded of what they perceived to be my character flaws.

Aren't I hurting enough already? I am also pretty certain they arent too keen about repeating what's already been mentioned to my face.

 

The opportunity passed.

Be proud of the way you handled your part, no regrets and head high.

[YouCanDeleteThisAccount]

I feel an ex is free to do as they will. And then it's my right to choose to never forget how they left. I may forgive, but leave me cold and I wont forget. Leave me kindly and I'll be there in the future if you want to reach out.

[ThatwasThen]

Reinveting myself said: "Insisting that you deserve this moment makes me uneasy. And I am not her. "

Wow... you must be easily spooked then!! I just feel its a respectful thing to agree to if someone asks for it.

 

I'm thinking your ex feels the same way as myself and "reinventingmyself" regarding feeling unease with your insistency hence why she's not allowing what you request. I suggest that you get personal therapy to help you get your closure as you are apparently one of those I spoke of earlier that are unable to get closure from within and have trouble with self-soothing.

 

Love yourself enough to stop torturing yourself with this need to get closure from her.

[faraday]

When I was younger/inexperienced I felt that closure came from a partner. That they owed me an explanation. I wanted to know every reason why they didn't love me anymore. My righteous indignation was only fuelled by my pride.

 

As I've gotten older I've realized...I really don't care why. All I care about is knowing if they love and want to be with me. I specified to my fiancé, "if at any point in our dating, you realize I'm not future wife potential, end it immediately- no hard feelings...I don't want to waste my time with someone that is on the fence about me."

 

I don't care why...because if someone doesn't want to be with me, what does it matter? Am I going to change myself for the next guy? Maybe after going to all that trouble he will have preferred me the old way. I'd rather find someone that adores authentic me, then someone who will be with me as long as I'm the preferred version of myself.

 

I've been dumped many times. I've also dumped many partners. At the end...I've respected myself the most when I've walked away wishing them well, not begging for answers....and I've respected most the men who have hugged me goodbye and wished me the best when I've ended things. The guys who kept phoning me, texting me, begging me...those men...I pity. As I'm sure exes in my younger years pitied me.

 

 

Honestly...even getting a proper break up is them being kind...because some people just disappear, never to be seen or heard from again....and I think those are the most unkind break ups because it leaves their partner wondering if things have ended for quite a while after.

 

Take the high road. Because...no, an ex owes you absolutely nothing. Really...no one does. We just have to keep treating people with kindness, hoping they'll show it back to us. Nothing is owed to us for being born....nothing owed to us for loving someone else. What we get is the gift of life, and the gift of loving someone else.

[Clinton]

Agaboo, I get your frustration but at the end of the day, whether you agree with me or not about what your ex owes you, you're likely going to have to accept that you're not getting it, and stop holding on to that. It's really the only way to begin healing

[boltnrun]

OR, you can not accept it and hopefully no one else ends up like a friend of mine.

 

She "couldn't get over" being dumped and held on to her pain and outrage for years. So many years that she eventually had to be institutionalized and is now on disability, unable to work and spending her days stuffing herself with junk food and brooding over the past.

 

It makes me sad, because this woman was wonderful and would have made a great wife to someone...but she chose instead to fixate on what she felt was betrayal by the man she had thought she was going to marry.

 

I don't think many people go to that extreme, but I sure don't want to end up like that. Which is why when my ex dumped me I realized it didn't really matter why he didn't want to be with me anymore. He just didn't, and nothing either of us said was going to change that fact.

[reinventmyself]

OR, you can not accept it and hopefully no one else ends up like a friend of mine.

 

She "couldn't get over" being dumped and held on to her pain and outrage for years. So many years that she eventually had to be institutionalized and is now on disability, unable to work and spending her days stuffing herself with junk food and brooding over the past.

 

It makes me sad, because this woman was wonderful and would have made a great wife to someone...but she chose instead to fixate on what she felt was betrayal by the man she had thought she was going to marry.

 

I don't think many people go to that extreme, but I sure don't want to end up like that. Which is why when my ex dumped me I realized it didn't really matter why he didn't want to be with me anymore. He just didn't, and nothing either of us said was going to change that fact.

 

oooo. .that gave me chills.

My best friend is going down this road.

Fixated as if it was yesterday, 2 years after he left her.