Still having a hard time wrapping my head around this

[Capttrae]

Ok I'm back in the boat now and it's been close to 14 days since my Ol lady went off the deep end on me couple weeks ago while I was home. Long story short she saw where an ex (the female I was with before we got together) liked a pic of my dog and one of me and her daughter (fiancé's daughter) then she stalked my ex's IG page and found where I had liked some pics of her son back in early mid 2015. I'm still just kind of in shock. If we were in our teens early 20's yea then I could maybe understand it bc I wouldn't expect much else from a kid. But I'm 38 and she's 41, seems like there should be something a little more mature in the mindset. Yes I'm b*+^*+** but still just don't make no sense.

[notalady]

What did your fiancé say to you in regards to this?

[Capttrae]

She acted like something home crazy. This is what she said that I copied from an earlier thread couple weeks ago.

! She looks at me and says are you talking to her?? "Her" being my ex gf, as in dang near 2 years ago ex. I tell her yes on occasion a quick hey how are you and ask if her son wants to go huntin or fishin while I'm home but, you already knew that. What happened was I posted a pic of Coal on IG and the ex liked it. I mean who would like a pic of Coal he a beautiful dog. After my fiancé got through lettin me know how she don't know what I'm doing while I'm in Al and how it looks to her that I'm down there doing my ex then coming up here and doing her.

 

My biggest thing is I'm having a hard time accepting that a 41 year old grown woman would act like that.

[adviceplease2]

My exgirlfriend is 37....just as irrational in the breakup. While id like to say its just maturity level...ive been leaning to saying its just women, they're irrational when they are emotional.

[notalady]

Sounds like she feels a bit insecure about you being away so much (as is the nature of your work) therefore feeling hyper-sensitive to any possible shady behaviour. Maybe it's irrational (if you've never done anything that led to the mistrust), but also understandable given she's about to commit to you for a life time, perhaps she's subconsciously anxious about the upcoming commitment and scared of making a huge mistake, therefore looking for all kinds of red flags that may or may not exist?

 

I assume you already explained there's nothing going on with the ex. I suggest letting her know that mutual trust is crucial to you in a relationship and (soon) marriage, ask her what do you need to do to reassure her and put the matter to rest. If she tells you what she wants, and you think it's doable (and doesn't cross your boundaries), then do it. I would also ask her about how she really feels about you being away a lot for work and about your upcoming marriage, tell her that it seems to you that she feels anxious about these things and you don't think it has anything to do with the ex (take the focus off the ex and focus on potentially getting to the root of the problem).

[Capttrae]

I know she feels insecure about it, I've tried to reassure her, all that good stuff. If I knew how to post a link to the other post that I posted a couple weeks ago I'd be happy to.

I'm just still trying to figure out why a grown woman would act like that.

[notalady]

Just saw your other thread. I guess it's maybe a good time to decide if this is a woman you want to marry. I see that she's never been comfortable with you being in contact with the ex (for her son). I think firstly her communication skill is poor and self-awareness is poor too. She doesn't seem to realise she's feeling insecure for no good reason and unable to communicate it appropriately. For example she could say "I know it's just my insecure feeling and I don't doubt you would never do anything to betray our relationship, but I've just been feeling anxious about you being away and I hope you can help me by doing [insert reasonable requests]", instead, she accuses you of doing your ex.

 

To be totally honest, I don't know how comfortable I would be with my partner who is always away for work and still talk to an ex, but then I simply wouldn't choose to continue dating if this is the case. I think this relationship has gone further than it should have considering she had an issue with this since the start and simply put up with it, not actually fully accepting it.

[East4]

I would not feel comfortable if my fiancé were doing activities with his ex's son. Unless the child is not his son. I think OP crosses boundaries there, and when there are FB likes and such added to regular outings with ex's kid, I can understand why OP's fiancé feels insecure. Men are rather quick to label women irrational, only because men do not understand no-men thinking. Women do think differently to men, but this does not make women crazy. This makes women different. And thank God.

 

In the same vein, I'm curious to see what OP's reaction would be if the roles were reversed, in the sense, long absences of his girl, and when she's back, she would go do things with the kid of an ex, and also likes his post on FB. Instead of labeling a woman crazy, OP can perhaps cut ALL contact with his ex, including the child, and think about ways to reassure his fiancé of his commitment to the relationship. Because I do not see that.

[Wiseman2]

She needs to stop creeping and obsessing. Everyone has a past and some divorces are amicable because of kids,etc.

she stalked my ex's IG page and found where I had liked some pics of her son.

[Capttrae]

In the same vein, I'm curious to see what OP's reaction would be if the roles were reversed, in the sense, long absences of his girl, and when she's back, she would go do things with the kid of an ex, and also likes his post on FB. Instead of labeling a woman crazy, OP can perhaps cut ALL contact with his ex, including the child, and think about ways to reassure his fiancé of his commitment to the relationship. Because I do not see that.

 

I can tell you what my reaction would be if she had an ex that had kids and she wanted to spend time w/ them doing female things. I'd think it was awesome for her to do that. Have absolutely zero problems with it what so ever. Matter fact there's a need for more ppl that would take up time w/ kids to show them right from wrong, help them learn something about things other than video games and social media. To take a couple hours when their ex is busy to spend a little time w/ the kids.

As for how I would feel about "likes" on FB and IG, that's the last thing I'd worry about. I've been jealous and insecure over women before, once I got past that stage in my mid 20's, as bad as it sounds, well they are just another female if it don't work out, I'll shrug my shoulders and move on down the line.

You don't seem to realize She's gone from

Me as much as I'm gone from her, I work 600 miles away for a month at a time.

I'm the only male figure in my ex gf's sons life that has any kind of walking around sense, her dad bless his heart is a great guy but lord he's out there, her brother lives out in California and tried to be trendy w/ his model wife, so he can't show his nephew how to do guy stuff or be a positive role model unless he's giving him pointers on hair styles and designer clothes or some such crap. The boys sperm doner "dad" in a very loose term, has had zero contact w/ him in 2 years, so that leaves me. I raised him for 3 years as my own son, still consider my own son and will continue to treat him that way. If she don't like it she's got one of two options like it or lump it.

[East4]

If she don't like it she's got one of two options like it or lump it.

 

This is very selfish and rude of you to say. The way a woman would read that is is that you are not giving a sh*t about her feelings. And to a woman the "he does not give a about my feelings"="he doesn't love me". This is the translation of your words by the Woman-Man dictionary.

 

It seems you have a strong "White knight" complex, meaning that for the sake of feeling like a savor to this kid, you are ready to hurt your fiancé and ultimately put in jeopardy your own happiness. Because I doubt that you will find any woman being comfortable with what you are doing with this role-model playing charade. Let me tell you-educating your ex's child is not your business. She had to be more careful in who she choses to father her children. If she chose unwisely-to bad for her, she has to suck it up and be the mother AND the father in that case. But not dump the father's responsibility on you, who is totally unrelated to this kid. Totally. But OK, You seem to adore playing the role of the Strong Good guy. Go ahead, play it, just to tell you that from an outside perspective it looks like a poor choice to lose a good woman for some role-playing. Believe me, if it was not you, your ex would find another guy to step up to this role. Once again, not your business. Your fiancé is totally justified to feel threatened by what you are doing with your ex, and instead of saying "like it or lump it", you young man better humble up and see things from your fiancé's perspective.

 

In a nutshell, your fiancé sees the interaction with your ex's kid as bridge between you and the ex, a bridge that for some reason you refuse to break. And her impression is solidified by your on-going contact with your ex. No woman in this world would feel comfortable with that. You do not believe me? I'm just going to remind you a thread of yours a few months ago that your fiancé every now and then feels unsure of your love for her. And rightfully so, because your actions point in this direction.

 

If you were to stay in contact with this boy, you should have tripled the amount of reassurance and attention to your fiancé to assuage her anxiety about your on-going relation with your ex, hidden behind the disguise of "being there for the kid". Did you put in the effort to re-assure your fiancé that she is the only woman for you? I bet you didn't, or it was insufficient. I guess you just dissed out your oh-so-tender "like it, or lump it". I'm pretty sure, she tried to lump it, because she loves you and doesn't want to lose you, but man, there are things that just get stuck in the throat. You know why? Because they are too huge to swallow. Your blunder is too huge to swallow and this is why your fiancé feels unloved.

 

Before you crtiticize your fiancé, better look at how unreasonable your own behavior is.

[Capttrae]

I've tried to make her feel loved as I know how, do things with her, things with her kids, all that good stuff tell her repealy. I stick by my attitude of she can like it or lump it, she has zero right to ask me to change to suit her needs, just like I have zero right to ask her to change to suit my needs. I take her as she is, she takes me as I am. It's very cut and dried.

As far as a "white knight complex" not even close lady, more like helpin a young man that I care a lot for down the right road.

As for hurtin my Ol lady no of course I don't want to wouldn't do it purposely for nothin. But after my last time home I've really come to reconsider things with her.

I already know that eventually my ex will find a good guy to start dating and my role in her sons life will diminish I'm fine w/ that, I hope she finds a great guy that treats them well and helps her son along, untill that point in time I aim to be there, if it costs me this relationship, it's going to suck but if that's the price I have to pay for doing what I belive is right then so be it. As for any other woman should me and the fiancé break up, well there won't be one for a while, if I want to get laid I'll just go to the bar say I just got home from a hitch and I'll have my pick.

I've tried looking at this from all points, mine, hers, outside, and I don't see anything wrong w/ my continuing relationship w/ the ex's son.

[Hermes]

For what it's worth, Cap, I think you are approaching this with a lot of common sense and a level-headed attitude.

[East4]

But after my last time home I've really come to reconsider things with her.

 

well, I'm not there to see how things really are, I'm only here on the forum and I do read people's posts a lot more than I write.

 

I remember your posts while I was browsing through the "Post here instead of contacting your ex" thread, you know this giant thread where people pour their hearts in relation to their ex-es.

 

For some reason your posts about your ex stuck with me for being real deep. Unusually sentimentally deep for a man (with all my due respect for all gentlemen). Man, you did have some pretty deep feelings for your ex. You realized she wasn't good for you, that things wouldn't work out between you, but man, were the feelings deep.

 

Then just a month or two later, I read some other thread of yours where you profess full bliss, roses and Champaign with your FIANCÉE. I remember thinking to myself: "Fiancée? Wasn't that rather quick?" Listen, you sure you love your fiancée for who she is, or wasn't she a rebound to sweeten the pain from your break up with your ex? Can I ask you how long after the break-up with your ex that you started things with your fiancée? Looking on the time line of your posts in the "poste here instead..." ad your thread where you mentioned your fiancée, there was not more than a few months. Am I right? Did you do a proper NC with your ex to help you get over the relationship, before you got in contact with her again?

 

Now, it might be that you still haven't let go completely of your ex and you are using the kid as an excuse to maintain some sort of relationship with her.

 

Be honest to your self. Look inside you and face the truth. It wouldn't be fair to heap blame on your fiancée, only because intuitively she might have felt that you are still attached to your ex. I'm not saying you are cheating, or anything, but it does seem that your ex had a profound impact on you and I'm not sure that you are indifferent to her.

 

The defensiveness and stubbornness of your justifying your right to be a father figure to your ex's son, is very indicative that you are still attached to your ex and her child, but mostly to your ex.

 

We do not need you to give answers to us here in the forum. But you do owe answers to yourself and your fiancée. It is not fair to her to be labeled as irrational and crazy if her gut feeling was right.

 

Ah, and last but not least, I hope that your are not using similar language with your fiancée, the sort of "like it, or lump it". It is plain rude.

[Capttrae]

well, I'm not there to see how things really are, I'm only here on the forum and I do read people's posts a lot more than I write.

 

I remember your posts while I was browsing through the "Post here instead of contacting your ex" thread, you know this giant thread where people pour their hearts in relation to their ex-es.

 

For some reason your posts about your ex stuck with me for being real deep. Unusually sentimentally deep for a man (with all my due respect for all gentlemen). Man, you did have some pretty deep feelings for your ex. You realized she wasn't good for you, that things wouldn't work out between you, but man, were the feelings deep.

 

Then just a month or two later, I read some other thread of yours where you profess full bliss, roses and Champaign with your FIANCÉE. I remember thinking to myself: "Fiancée? Wasn't that rather quick?" Listen, you sure you love your fiancée for who she is, or wasn't she a rebound to sweeten the pain from your break up with your ex? Can I ask you how long after the break-up with your ex that you started things with your fiancée? Looking on the time line of your posts in the "poste here instead..." ad your thread where you mentioned your fiancée, there was not more than a few months. Am I right? Did you do a proper NC with your ex to help you get over the relationship, before you got in contact with her again?

 

Now, it might be that you still haven't let go completely of your ex and you are using the kid as an excuse to maintain some sort of relationship with her.

 

Be honest to your self. Look inside you and face the truth. It wouldn't be fair to heap blame on your fiancée, only because intuitively she might have felt that you are still attached to your ex. I'm not saying you are cheating, or anything, but it does seem that your ex had a profound impact on you and I'm not sure that you are indifferent to her.

 

The defensiveness and stubbornness of your justifying your right to be a father figure to your ex's son, is very indicative that you are still attached to your ex and her child, but mostly to your ex.

 

We do not need you to give answers to us here in the forum. But you do owe answers to yourself and your fiancée. It is not fair to her to be labeled as irrational and crazy if her gut feeling was right.

 

Ah, and last but not least, I hope that your are not using similar language with your fiancée, the sort of "like it, or lump it". It is plain rude.

 

I like you or the way you post.

I have no problem answering questions on here, I mean hell we all pour our hearts out here to let every one dissect them.

There was about 5 months between my ex and my current, in between then there was a little 26 y/o that was fun to play with and we both knew it was a rebound for both of us.

When me and my current got together it was really good in most areas and still is good except in those same areas, and her insecurity. We dated for right at a year before I asked her to marry. So it wasn't an overnight type thing.

NC w/ my ex was right at a year as well, (seems like I do things in 1 year increments). Yes I've let my ex go, I've moved 3 states and 400 miles away and started a new life. I personally don't feel like I'm using her son as a way to stay connected to her I'm just doing what I feel is right by him and by me, I was/am a big part of his life and will continue to be.

As far as being defensive and stubborn that's just my natural personality, just how I am.

To me the way she's acting don't make sense I've never done anything to make her think I have or would cheat simply bc I wouldn't.

[Capttrae]

Just had a thought (scary I know) and it maybe now I'm also looking at every aspect of our relationship as well. But she's said before that she's trying to not be like her mom. Which means a total b to her dad. Time before last home she was a total b, then accused me of cheating. This time home well y'all know the story. So I'm wondering if the old sayin is true, the daughter is going to be just like her mom

[East4]

Oh, you are in search of the perfect woman. Let me know if you find her, a word of caution, it may take some time. ;-)

And you, do you think you are perfect, to expect perfection from her?

 

If you ask me, no you are not perfect. If you were already aware that your fiancee was insecure about your ex, why the hell you got all that FB liking crap? When you did that, did you think for a sec how your fiancee would feel. You had it done to you, you didn't like it when you were on the receiving end, but you are doing it to others. Far from perfection, captain.

 

If you want a relationship to last, you have to pick your batlles. The easiest thing is to put the blame on the other, break up and start a new with somebody else. Repeating the same mistakes. Every year with a new woman. Searching for perfection that doesn't exist. Is this how you see the course of your life? Waste of time, if you ask me.

 

Serious men negotiate. Negotiate what is important, compromise on the rest. If seeing your ex's kid is so important, ok stick to this goal while reassuring your fiancee that she is the one you love. Let your fiancee win on some of the negotiations, like the fb thing. No more likes, pokes and funny business on fb with your ex.

 

You can't have it all the way you like it in relationships. Negotiate only the important stuff, give in to your partners wishes, let them feel like they were heard and they also won something.

[notalady]

Cap, while I think it's admirable you want to keep in touch with your ex's kid and be in his life, your non-negotiate attitude is seriously problematic to a relationship. So if your fiancé agrees with you, great, if not, she can lump it? That shows a lot lack of care about her and maintain a good relationship. Honestly, is it completely unreasonable, incomprehensible for her to feel uncomfortable with the situation? I can see at least some people would feel this way.

 

If you're willing to stick to what you believe in (which she doesn't) and forgo your fiancé, I think you should probably do it, spare her and yourself the pain.

[notalady]

Serious men negotiate. Negotiate what is important, compromise on the rest. If seeing your ex's kid is so important, ok stick to this goal while reassuring your fiancee that she is the one you love. Let your fiancee win on some of the negotiations, like the fb thing. No more likes, pokes and funny business on fb with your ex.

 

You can't have it all the way you like it in relationships. Negotiate only the important stuff, give in to your partners wishes, let them feel like they were heard and they also won something.

 

Good words of wisdom here.

[Capttrae]

I completely agree very good words of wisdom. No I'm not looking for perfection there's no such thing we are all human. I'm far far far from perfect or anywhere near it, and I don't expect her to be perfect either that's way too much to ask.

All that FB liking stuff was she like a pic of my dog and a pic of me and fiancé's daughter and I had liked a pic of her son on her IG back in June of 2015, I mean come on that's almost a year ago. No comments, no poking, just likes nothing more. To me it just don't make sense to get jealous over that. Even before I was back in contact w/ my ex during our NC phase she was insecure, all the time asking if I was mad at her, if I still love her, and I never could figure out why.

I hate that me seeing the ex's son cause her grief but I can't and won't give him up again. He's as big a part of me as my own flesh and blood son and her kids are. To just reverse the situation if we were to break up I'd still be glad to take her son huntin and fishin whenever he wanted to go.

I have given in to her wishes, I've taken days off during the rut to spend time w/ her, taken days off during duck season to spend time w/ her and for me that's beyond huge!!!! I only get x amount of time to hunt and giving up some of that time to spend with her that means she's pretty damn special.

[East4]

I have given in to her wishes, I've taken days off during the rut to spend time w/ her, taken days off during duck season to spend time w/ her and for me that's beyond huge!!!! I only get x amount of time to hunt and giving up some of that time to spend with her that means she's pretty damn special.

 

Oh man, Ive been chocking with laughter, close to irreversible asphyxiation for the last 3/4 of an hour

this is the most genuine, the most masculine declaration of love i've ever heard in my life, hee-heee sacrificing a day of duck season, for love! This declaration of love reminds me a hilarious meme where a male horsesh**t fly is humping a female horsesh**t fly, while whispering to her ear: "Oh, Margaret, I love you more than sh*t!" ;-) Duck season and love, horsesh**t and love; Lord, only a male can put these two in one sentence, and somehow make it sound sweet.

 

Captain, did you ever tell your lady exactly what you just told us-duck season and your love. It is huge for you and someone from your buddies would fully understand the importance of such a compliment, but as I've said women are wired differently. You need to spell it out to her that what you did for her was huge, i bet my head your lady would be touched by your gesture. She may just need a little bit of explaining.

 

Any way, thanks for sharing that "duck season" declaration of love, just brilliant and very original!

[Ms Darcy]

My exgirlfriend is 37....just as irrational in the breakup. While id like to say its just maturity level...ive been leaning to saying its just women, they're irrational when they are emotional.

 

I think that's a very unfair and frankly sexist statement. Your ex is pregnant and hormonal and you barely knew each other when you got her pregnant ... it's not really fair to say women are irrational when they are emotional. Extremely dismissive.

[faraday]

Capttrae, as a single mother...I give kudos to you for loving that child as your own. It takes a good man with a big heart to do that.

 

I've never understood the drama of fb either.

 

Idk. This situation is hard. Your fiancé sounds immature...and unlikely to mature at this point. I think it's a situation where you have to accept that this is the way she is. She'll probably always be insecure and causing drama...and if you want to be with her, you'll have to figure out how to do better damage control.

 

When you work far from home, being with someone secure and independent makes the times apart so much easier. Something to consider.

[HeartGoesOn]

Sorry to go off topic Cap, but reading this thread made my day!